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Just because you can't access the joint account online doesn't mean you can't go into a bank with your ID. Clear out half of the $$ in the joint account now, just in case something happens and you need to get yourself and your baby out of there.

Does he treat you like you are not his equal? Although infidelity is now the biggest issue in your M, you might give some thought to this. You need to understand what is broken in him that he could betray you this way. If he looks down on you in any way, that is something to look hard at, as R could only happen if he fixes that.

[This message edited by Odonna at 2:15 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

What (HHADL) said. You need money here. Get it done. Were you working before the baby? Stay strong dude. I hope you have friends and family nearby.

I am so pissed off for you I wish I could call this douchepickle myself. What an ass! Of course he didn't have much to say, Waywards all think they are oh so smart and will be the one to get away with it. Then they get caught and the words aren't there because they never entertain the thought of being outed. Typical.

Do not beat yourself up for getting emotional. This is just the beginning and there is much to go through. Your emotions are going to be near impossible to put a lid on. Having a young infant at home your hormones are likely still over the place as well.

That he is already changing passwords is not good. BLOW HIM UP! Tell his family despite you not wanting to. I understand you not wanting to make his parents aware that their son is a lying cheating POS but he is a grown man. The fault is not theirs and they may well rally around you. You are part of their family and are the mother of their grandchildren. Out his ass to whomever you want. Build your support team now.

It's just beyond despicable that he left his wife with an infant to take some dumb whore away on a trip. I can't imagine how you are holding it together. If he has a shred of remorse that jerk will be on the next available flight home.

Be warned, he will lie. He will downplay everything. Proof or not. They lie. They lie even when presented with cold hard facts. I may have missed it in this thread but do you know who the OW is?

Is the account he changed the password on a joint account? If so I don't believe that's legal. You have a right to access everything financial. Half of all of it is yours. He can try and shift and hide things but a good attorney will be able to find it all.

Strength to you girl!

They lie even when presented with cold hard facts.

That's the bottom line truth.

Blow that s*** up.

He scheduled a 8pm flight tonight which will means he should be back around midnight.

@ odonna - I don’t think he looked down on me. I think he just took advantage of how trusting I was and he’s usually not this careless with things. There were files where he was diligent enough to zip and password protect. He just missed about 35GB of it and I think since they were so recent he was rushing to be with her that he just thought he can do it when he gets back.

Which makes things hard for rebuilding trust because he is good covering his tracks and I bet after this experience he would never make the same mistakes again. He diligently clears his cookies every time and he diligently looks at everything almost everyday. He can find things are off very quickly which is why he probably saw the last time our account was logged into and recalls that it was not him. Probably because at that time he knew he was sleeping with her so it couldn’t have been him that logged in. Knowing that the account had some suspicious charges he quickly changed the password. He probably thought maybe I logged in but didn’t bother to scroll down to see past charges.

Good luck. Have someone watch the baby when you confront. You need to try to remain as focused as possible.

Do not let him manipulate you or take control of the conversation. At least you have come here before confronting which is great. You are being helped on how to prepare. I wish I had found SI before confronting it would have saved me from making a lot of foolish mistakes.

Best of luck tonight. Stand your ground! Make your wishes and intentions VERY clear. If you break down, take a break to compose yourself and breathe.

Lock the laptop up somewhere so he cannot get to it. There may be records of other infidelities in there that you do not want deleted. If you are to have a chance at R there can be no more deceit. At some point when he gives YOU the pws and YOU unlock the files and investigate anything you want, THEN and ONlY then he gets the laptop back. It would be best to get it out of the house and stored with a friend.

While you are out get a VAR to record him when he gets home. Figure out where he is going to sleep tonight too.

[This message edited by Odonna at 3:42 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Get to his parents first. He may gaslight you a d contact them painting you out to be crazy and jealous and fabricating an affair.

Protect yourself here. He is now the enemy. He will do whatever it takes to make YOU look bad.

Post here when’re you can update us. Saying prayers for you. We ALL know how hard this is.

Silences are uncomfortable, but as much as possible, try to let HIM do the talking. He can't be sure about how much you know, so don't tip your hand. Also, he needs to tell you everything there is to know about the OW. If she's married, exposing the affair to her husband will put another set of eyes on them. We don't discuss it or ask for permission, we just DO it.

((big hugs)) You're gonna get through this.

Tell his parents ASAP. Go on the offense.

Read and practice the 180. He has lost you and it’s all on him. Find out who the OW is. Expose, expose, expose.

Good luck.

If you have access to your cell phone account look for a number popping up repeatedly. It will stand out. If he has a FB put that number in the search bar, you may pull up her profile.

You are going to be really emotional during the confrontation. If possible create a list of things you want to address and try to record on your phone (in your pocket). It’s common to forget things when in a highly charged situation.

(((Devastated)))

Don't blame yourself for not being able to hold in it. Focus on the information gathering and backup.

Now that he's been exposed, tell his parents. Just tell them that you will need some privacy when he returns because you discovered that he was not working but in FL having a romantic weekend with another woman. Do not go more detail than necessary, just say that he confirmed it and it will be up to him to answer their questions.

If you have a "smart TV", have a video on a thumb drive that you can play in full screen any time he tries to minimize or twist the facts. And do record the discussion with him.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 7:41 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Your NUMBER ONE priority right now is to get control of the financials. You need to secure money so that you have options. If he is in control of financials, and considering you live with his family, then he can apply a lot of pressure on you. Take his power away and give yourself a way out if you need it.

You should make an appointment with a counselor for yourself. You need to get this all out face-to-face with someone, it's just too big a thing to internalize. If a counselor is not an option then a trusted friend. It's really important that you take care of yourself emotionally.

He took a military style / anal approach to preserving secrecy. I am sure he is devastated that his operation has been blown because he went to such lengths to protect it. He obviously planned this out OR has developed this covert style over time.

Sometimes people fall in love with someone else and find themselves in an affair. The self-porn collection he has amassed indicates this this is not a chance love affair but more of a married man / porn star double life which has been planned. It might be his first affair (might not) but is probably the result of secret double life fantasy he has nurtured for some time.

If he wants to change and reconcile then he needs help. It is not your job to help him. Your job is to surround yourself with people you trust and get support from them or a counselor.

[This message edited by Smillie at 8:03 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

I can’t do the discussion on the porch as we don’t have one. My inlaws are watching my little one and he is asleep so can’t really make much of a scene. So unfortunately the situation is just not ideal for it

You must be watching the clock in such trepidation. I am so sorry. Everyone here is trying to give you all our best advice - because we have been where you are — and forgetting that right now you just need a hug more than anything:

((((((((Devastated2018))))))))

Just catching up on today's posts from you!

The best advice about face to face confrontation on dday that I can give you is this ....try your very best to remain calm and dignified when in his presence. Ask your questions calmly so that he may answer without you freaking out. Somehow -someway ...I was able to do this so I could get as much information as possible while I was in this "so called" calm state. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do!!! But in some way - I think instinct kicked in and I was able to get as much information as possible by composing my anger and sadness.

I did end up dropping to my knees and howled in hysteria when my mind and body had had enough. I could only take so much in that initial confrontation. You, most likely, won't get all the information from this one conversation. Just be prepared that you may lose your shit at some point...

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 9:22 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

I would absolutely tell your in-laws before he comes home. He is going to spin a story that he’s been concocting on the flight back. This will give you the chance to simply lay out the facts.