SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

also I'd take the laptop to a tech to have any remote access like teamviewer disabled, so he can't get in and delete stuff if it's turned on. Make sure the files aren't stored on the cloud, since that's automatic access from whichever device he has.

Edit to add, you can get an inexpensive external hard drive, and copy the files over to that, then lock that away where he can never find it.

[This message edited by k8la at 4:26 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

Edit to add, you can get an inexpensive external hard drive, and copy the files over to that, then lock that away where he can never find it.

This, but also there are online servers that you can pay for where you can create an account then upload whatever files you want to save. I'm not sure if I can mention them by name here, but a quick Google search of "online file storage" should give you quite a few options.

And I agree, make sure to back up all of that info somewhere, then take it to a shop where they can disable any sort of remote access to the laptop, that way he can't delete things. If you find a shop, you might be able to pay them to set up a storage account for you so you don't have to figure out how to do it - just tell them which files you need saved, and they can give you options (online file storage, or transferring things to an external drive). IMO, best to do both, that way you have the back ups in two different places in case he finds out about one and tries to destroy it.

Not that the evidence actually matters in a divorce case, but I know that each time I found evidence over the years, it would somehow conveniently end up disappearing, which then made his gaslighting of me even worse, because I couldn't go back to look at the proof. That's when I started taking pictures of it and emailing it to myself, as well as texting it to myself.

I am 7 months out from separation, and I still sometimes go back and look at the evidence to remind myself that I'm not crazy.

So sorry you are having to deal with all of this!

If the only reason you're waiting to confront him (while allowing him to enjoy his holiday romp with his girlfriend) then would it be possible to call him on a video call such as FaceTime or similar?

It's your decision of course but it sure would be better to end his holiday cheating plans now if possible.

@odonna, yes I have worked out what to say and prepared myself for the different responses that he will say. Thanks for the tech advice, I will look into online storage since there is no easy access to a bestbuy near me for the external hard drive.

What do I do right after the talk? If he say I will end the relationship how would I make sure he does? Do I take his phone and have him text her that moment? Should I take his phone away for the night? I don’t plan to have him stay that night in the same place I am in.

You should plug a USB Flash Drive into the laptop and then download the the videos to the Flash Drive.

ETA: Better yet, use 2 flash drives and keep in separate locations.

[This message edited by 40YOSL at 5:52 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

Hi Devestated2018:

Well, some of the things others routinely ask and need is complete transparency with phone and devices. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. There is no need for secrets in your M. The name and address of the AP. A No Contact letter written to the AP that you read and approve. A complete and detailed timeline of the A with dates, places, and all of the details you require. A list of monies spent on his AP and gifts purchased for her. This includes hotel and restaurant spending. This is family funds diverted from you and your child. He needs to get into IC to address his brokenness and how he could betray you so horribly. He needs to start the work to prove he can be a trustworthy partner.

Since you are living with his parents, they are going to be impacted greatly by this. If it were me I would require him to confess what he did to his parents, face to face. If he balks at confessing to his parents, you could always make some popcorn and invite his parents to have a video night. That might be persuasive.

Look, a truly remorseful spouse will have empathy for your pain and all of the destruction his A has caused you. Very few WS are remorseful upon confrontation. It is a long journey to get there even if you decide that you want to try and recover your M. This could very well be a dealbreaker for you, and with good reason. Be prepared for blameshifting. It is a common tactic by a WS to try and blame you for his cheating. He felt neglected, unloved or disconnected, blah, blah, blah. The bottom line is nothing you did or didn’t do forced him to cheat. It’s bullshit. You are responsible for 50% of the status of your M, just as he is, but you have 0% blame for his decision to cheat. He had a lot of legitimate options to address any marital issues. I fail to see how going on a sex holiday with his AP solves any marital issues.

You are going to be on an emotional rollercoaster. Please get into a good IC who deals with infidelity. Your WH should get into IC as well. Do not do MC. You don’t have a marital problem. Your WH has a cheating problem. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:08 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

You said his mother is wonderful. Why not just go tell her? She's going to find out anyway and right now, she might be able to help you.

I'm not sure I understand why you're waiting to confront him. If it were me, I'd be all about making this the WORST vacation he ever had. Hell, I'd have his mother on conference call when I busted his ass. Why let him enjoy another two evenings of fun and illicit romance? And where's the money coming from? He's got reservations at an expensive restaurant? Who's paying for that? Who paid for this trip. You're living with his folks, so I'm thinking you two aren't made of money, right?

Nope. I think if it were me, I'd be on the phone already.

((hugs)) You'll get through this. Believe me, we've all been there, and it's hard. No lie. But you'll be okay. Believe it.

You can email the files if you zip them first. If you're not sure how, just punch into your browser "how to zip files".

I hear you on confronting him now but I feel like I need him to look into my eyes and see the pain he has caused and would also help me figure out if he has any remorse or regret.

The rationalizations are typically too strong for the cheater to care about your pain. It's not like he didn't KNOW this was going to hurt you if you found out... but he did it anyway.

The immediate reaction of the WS can look a whole lot like "remorse or regret" but those things take TIME. It takes a clear head and some introspection on the part of the cheater. What you'll see might look like the real deal, but those snot bubbles and tears are almost always self-pity and fear.

I think there's a downside to letting him have his fun at your expense at this point. Sometimes we find we torture ourselves over not taking action fast enough. Worse, you might be missing the jarring effects of a "shock and awe" opportunity.

so what was the whole idea of this extra weekend for wine, romance and sex?

was this kind of like a bachelor's party for cheaters? one last happy ending time before he's back to the M?

blow up everything. you've suffered enough and he's treating you, your children and his own parents as complete fools. you're the loving, adoring family, all together awaiting his loving return.

i don't get it. he's sexing it up and you're suffering in closed rooms with pillows over your mouth?

you know what you need to know. Immediate consequences. 180, division of assets and hard core. You deserve better than this

The photos and videos are too large to email

Get a thumb drive tomorrow and copy everything to it before you hide the laptop.

You want to review your phone records too. That will give you an idea of how long he's been communicating with her.

It's painful, but you should read through other stories here to get an idea of the lies he will tell.

Do not get into a pick me dance, if he says he isn't sure of what he wants to do, tell him he has to leave immediately and figure it out elsewhere. Unfortunately, if he immediately says he'll break it off, that will be a lie too. He's not going to come back from a romantic extended holiday and break it off. He will be regretful that you found out but not remorseful.

Her has destroyed your marriage. If he wants a new one with you and his child, he has to do the work or get out.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 10:02 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

Thanks everyone, I will be taking the day tomorrow getting either the external hard drive or thumb drives to back the 25GB folder where it’s all stored. Also going to gather some accounts and prepare for me and my sons finances.

Read the 180 and it sounds like what I have been doing but got scorned by it. I trusted him and was never intrusive with his phones and accounts. It almost sound like I would be letting him get away with it easily which I have done in the past with other small stuff. I feel like was not asking enough questions.

The fact that you live with his parents bothers me. Parents nearly always end up supporting their cheating child. I hope that you will not be manipulated into believing him and forgiving him. I also hope that they all don't turn this around on you and try to focus on your shortcomings which lead to the affair (which is a nonsense of course).

The videos/pics are leverage which should never be relinquished as it might help you a lot later if things go south.

Watch his actions closely after confrontation. If he does some of the following then reconciliation is possible:

1.Offer full transparency on all electronic devices, online accounts including passwords.

2.Seeks out Individual counseling.

3.Reads some books on affairs and the damage they do.

4.Posts his story on a website like this and open himself up to some self-improvement/well earned 2x4s.

5.Dumps his side piece immediately and issues a no contact letter.

6.Is forthcoming with all information about her and the affair.

7.Is supportive and understanding of your feelings and requests.

Don't be too quick to point out what he should be doing, let him research it and come up with the answer. If he plays the victim then you should be concerned. If he is really difficult you should probably look for alternative living arrangements to escape the madness.

You 2 have been together for 20 yrs and now have a 7 mo. old? And he travels for work and you guys live at home with his parents?

Just trying to get the situation straight as far as where you might be at... first of all, taking care of a new baby is right there such a hard thing, so do what you need to do to take care of you and that baby.

We have all been there, trust us. I so wish I had found SI at the very beginning before I confronted, I did SO many things wrong when I first confronted my WS back then.

We also know you are freaking out in your head and also feel like "if you can talk some sense" into him that he will listen to you. Sad to say it just does not work that way. They are too deep into the A at this point and too deep into their own selfish thoughts.... he feels he has gotten away with it this long and probably feels he can keep doing it. Most normally do.

Planning is very important for you. Planning to get more evidence, planning to find a place to put it if need be, planning to figure out finances, etc...

You had mentioned he takes care of all the finances, do you have access to any or all of them? I would be taking my time to look into everything, I would be pulling his credit record and your credit record... to see if there are any other credit cards outstanding in his name, I would make records of all of your tax returns, get any and all paperwork, make copies of all bills.

This may over whelm you, it does for most of us. But just going up to someone and saying "STOP doing what your doing" is not a plan. There are so many other layers to this duplicity and you need to work to uncover your own life. And where you stand. And know you have a rite to this information as well as he does.

Take your time. I know you want to scream and yell at him and its like an explosion inside your body. But I would work really hard to take my time and get more information.

Then also find out if you can get your own IC, someone who is on your side and can listen to you and help you thru this time period.

His parents will be hurt and I am prepared if they do take his side but they have strong moral beliefs. They would be crushed by the shame he has brought to the family. Thanks for the tips on what to look for in his reactions.

I started a list last night what to get done today in preparation of his return tomorrow. I just finished going through all the accounts (his and mine) and printed things for record keeping. Then I started going through more of the photos to look for more clues of what accounts he has that I don’t know of like Instagram/Venmo/etc. Some of the photos was basically his plans to make reservations at hotels and restaurants. Some are past dates and I actually found some for upcoming dates which I will leverage in asking when was the next “meeting” and see if he coughs up to it. But again as I went through more photos and I broke down again and couldn’t take it so I had to log off. I don’t know if I can hold it together for the entire conversation, I am afraid I will breakdown and get nothing achieved.

Planning to go grab the external drive or flash usb today. I want to get it done early in case it takes time.

Devastated2018,

My heart truly hurts for you. But I have to agree with others who advise you not to wait. Let him know right now that you know exactly what's going on. Tell his parents. Tell everyone. Consult an attorney TODAY. You can usually get the 1st consultation for free.

He needs hard consequences right now. Every moment that you wait only allows his entitlement to grow. Shock and awe will help kill the fantasy.

You've gotten awesome advice thus far. It's a real shit sandwich, infidelity. I wish you luck in whatever you choose. HUGS.

If you decide to offer reconciliation and he wants that then I would add another condition. See if you can come up with the amount of money that he has spent on the OW for this trip and the others you know about and tell him he has to figure out a way to pay that back to the family. He has to work a second job, work overtime, sell something of his, give up a membership to something, etc. He has to do something to pay you back financially for what he has done here. Half of what he spent on this Affair was your money. I'd tell him you want that back and he has to find a way to get that back without taking it from something that is yours.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 8:58 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

He just changed the password to our account because I no longer can get in. So I think he suspects that I know but haven’t said anything.

He may get email alerts when you log in to your joint accounts.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:14 AM, July 5th (Friday)]