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She's still very foggy and EXTREMELY entitled.

No way is she R material.

I thought you wanted to fix this marriage. This is not how it's done. I have worked my ass off for this family, and everything we have (bed included). If you don't want to sleep next to me you can sleep elsewhere.

This is unbelievable. She has NO CLUE what she's done.

You remind her every second that SHE destroyed the marriage. It is entirely up to HER to fix it.

You handled the confrontation perfectly. Stay strong and angry. Hardcore 180 until she has had an adequate serving of humble pie. It may take some time to set in.

I would politely move her stuff out of the bedroom again. She lost her marital rights the moment she started fucking another man. Hell, she lost them the moment she started flirting with another man. Keep reminding her of that.

Form a circle of friends and family that will support you and keep them close.

Good luck, brother. You're doing great.

Here's a draft note for her. Maybe there's something here you can use:

It saddens me that you feel your career and financial contribution to the family entitles you to some sort of special consideration with respect to your behavior or our property.

Research shows that cheaters all share the same personality profile: selfish, deceitful, entitled, and lacking empathy for spouse. That’s not someone I want to share a bed with.

Since you violated our marriage vows it seems reasonable that you sleep elsewhere.

It’s true that the girls and I are financially dependent on you. Remember, it was by agreement (both you and I). It’s also true that by moving here I forfeited a satisfying job for occasional part time work (as a consequence of your and the girls’ schedules).

But I made that sacrifice because I loved you and I was committed to our family - and providing the best home care possible for our girls.

It’s true you worked your ass off for us - but I believe it is work that fulfills you – and it’s the role you volunteered to play in our family. And I was so proud of you.

I’m sorry you feel like you were going through life alone (doing all the work) and unappreciated.

Prior to your decision to pursue an inappropriate relationship we were very happy life partners. I was happy, our girls were happy, and you gave me every indication that you were happy.

I can’t fix a problem that I don’t know about.

You gave me reason to believe that I was the best possible life partner for you. You were never alone. For 15 years I loved you, trusted you 100%, had your back, kept the girls safe every day while you were building your career, and encouraged you in your personal goals (e.g., running = my mistake).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:21 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

Bahama, you're doing great! Keep it up!

For your privacy and security while sleeping, you could swap out the existing bedroom passage set with a keyed lock set using existing holes etc.

Another reason for the locked bedroom: I don't sleep with strangers - and I don't know you anymore.

Some other requirements you need to give her..

Std testing

She answers all of your questions with complete honesty.

She goes to IC to figure put why she did this.

She needs to be proactive in healing the damage she's done to you, herself,and the marriage.

Any friends who knew about the affair aren't friends of the marriage and she needs to go NC with them as well.

Bahama, just reading this thread for the first time today. I know how excruciating this is for you. Hang in there. You're doing great you're a rock star.

It's clear that your WW hasn't found remorse, or even regret really. It may come, but it really may not. Based on her reaction, I feel like this might have been an exit affair.

Continue to be strong and stay the course. We're here for you.

Sorry you’re here Bahama, you mentioned names in that letter, you may want to go clean that up buddy.

ETA

No you definitely need to do that!

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:44 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

Add also to your list:

Timeline to be verified with a polygraph

DNA testing your children (sorry)

Have the NC letter cc: the OBS

Have you talked with the OBS? Working together, it’s easier to enforce NC.

Your letter sounds so mature, and she’s a spoiled teen. She reminds me a lot of my XWW. A lot. I hope that you meant what you said in your letter. It is better to be D than with a remorseless WW.

Bahama, edit out names and emails from your last post ASAP!

Update - Don't worry, man. Mods took care of that for you.

[This message edited by Jduff at 4:11 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:11 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Bahama, check your PM!

To check private messages go to your profile page and click on it in the upper right.

Go delete the names from that letter. You outed her on the internet. Not good no matter what you ultimately decide to do with your marriage.

Good job on the letter, also demand she gets tested for STDs ASAP and show you the results, you need to contact OBS immediately to know what AP is saying, to know if AP is in R or wants D to be with your WW (unlikely but possible). Your WW is incredibly entitled and selfish, you have certainly "destroyed" her fantasy and rightly so, now you see the effects of EXPOSURE, she's hearing it from everyone that what she did was VERY WRONG and that nobody supports CHEATING, don't let her intimidate you about it, it's not your job to hide her A, she CHOSE to cheat, if she doesn't find the support of her family, she's going to try to get it from her friends, go ahead and EXPOSE to ALL her closest friends and ask them if they knew about it, if they say yes tell them you're disappointed, if they say no, tell them you're going to need their support and to please give you both the necessary space to go through this difficult situation.

Now let's focus on her reaction so far, she's in no position to demand ANYTHING from you, today sit her down when she comes from work, tell her to write the NC FOREVER letter to AP, right there in front of you, it should be short, make sure it reads that any contact attempt by AP will get reported to you immediately, demand she also sends it by text (in front of you) so that AP gets it faster, ask her if she's talked to AP and what they talked about since the confrontation, tell her she needs to block him in front of you, and that breaking NC means you will file for D automatically, no ifs buts or ands (you have to mean it).

You're doing good, do NOT let her control the situation, she's losing control as you expose to more people, she should be begging on her knees for a second chance, if not, just file and have her served without warning, D takes a long time and can be stopped if she gets her head out of her ass and eventually shows true remorse, at that point you may offer her the gift of R, or NOT ! if you do have her sign a postnup in your favor in case she cheats again, either way you get out of infidelity.

Please delete the personal info from your last post.

And I reiterate what others said about STD testing for both of you before any sex.

Thank you moderators for removing the personal info.

Ok. Back to our regularly scheduled program.

Bahama, your note was great (privacy issues aside).

But I want to say something to you now.... you’ve made your requests. Don’t keep restating them to her. Show strength in not responding or engaging with her on anything if she has not proven the steps you have made a requirement have been completed.

Let her know that you can in no way be in a relationship with someone who is pining for a life with someone else. Make it clear she is free to go and be with him if he’s the love of her life, and you will start the work alone to heal from the love of your life essentially shooting you thru the heart.

If you project 1-2-5-10 years down the road, the only way to find a loving relationship again with this woman is if she has truly done the work to repair what she has damaged so greatly.

- That means she will want to never see the POSOM again. -

- That she will want to do everything in her power to help you heal,

- that she will give heartfelt apologies of course to you, but also to the family members her actions have also hurt.

- That she will get herself into IC because she wants to figure out how she could do this to the family she loves and

- she provides you with transparency because it’s so important for her to make her husband who she loves to feel safe in the M.

So you’ve told her what you need and you’ve given her a good article about what every WS should know. Now is the time to let her figure out what she wants from life, who she truly loves and is important to her, and finally what she’s willing to do.

She can’t do them just because u or her parents tell her to, or just because she thinks it’s right or because she figures setting for you is better than being alone. She has to do them because it’s what she truly WANTS. Plain and simple.

Don’t wait for her to decide. You can’t control this. Read and implement the 180 and start moving on with your life as if it will not have her involved as anything more than a coparent. Focus on the girls.

I hope she realizes what she’s done and whom she has hurt.

But it’s only if she does the above things and those listed in your note by her own free will that you will be able to reconcile. You forcing her to do them will not work. It’s frustrating but true.

But if she does collapse under the realization and knowledge that she’s hurt so badly the man she loves, gets her act together, and does the long hard work needed, a man can find love again for a WW because of the pride he has in how much she has changed, how much she has shown remorse, and how much she has tried to uplift the husband she injured.

I wish you good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:45 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

You're getting good advice, read them again, however I just want to emphasize the fact that when you two got married, the vows didn't allow for her to be pining away and take her sweet time to get over her boyfriend, just tell her she's got 30 seconds to start writing that NC Letter tonight right in front of you and send it to OM, if she refuses to do it, hand her the card to your D attorney and let her know that from that point going forward to just communicate about the children and file for D the next day and have her served at work for maximum impact, your exposure has turned her "romantic and beautiful A" into something dirty and frown upon by everyone, she's lost control and she hates it.

OTH remorse typically does not come automatically after Dday, it takes months if not years but NC FOREVER, full transparency and honesty are paramount for a successful R to even have a chance, but no matter what you do you cannot R with an unremorseful WW who's not willing to do the heavy lifting to restore the M SHE DESTROYED by committing the ultimate betrayal, she would need to get intensive IC to find out why and how she gave herself permission to give her body to OM, develop feelings for him, to consider a life with him and betray you, her children, your family, her family, her "friend" (OBS), etc., she needs to fix herself (you can't do it for her).

Well done so far.

I would like to make a couple of suggestions:

Maybe the most common mistake men make in your situation is to lean back and wait for your wife to lead the way. You have outlined what you need from her, but in the strongest words I suggest you don’t wait around for her actions. You need to keep momentum and keep on working at getting out of infidelity. If she follows then great, but if she doesn’t then your actions will either increase the pressure on her to act or aid you in getting out of infidelity.

Some of the things you should be doing:

An inventory of assets, accounts, debt, pensions, savings, major possessions. Getting tax returns for the last 5 years. Checking value of your home. Get you vehicles appraised (or simply KBB). This is all stuff that you would need to do when and/or if you talk to an attorney.

Research divorce law. Try to get a realistic picture on what to expect. You can also research MC’s with an emphasis on those that have dealt with infidelity. Don’t hesitate to phone and ask. I guess we will all agree that it’s too early for any benefit from MC, but it’s OK to start searching.

Research attorneys in your area. Find someone that has a good reputation in dealing with divorce. Ask around. Got divorced friends? Ask about their experiences.

Doing this doesn’t mean you will divorce, but it will give you a clearer picture of your options and help you take the right path if her actions (or inactions) force you down the D-path.

Cut all drama. OK – I get it with your last letter, but things like removing her favorite pillow and leaving notes… man… that’s so high-school. If you don’t want her to sleep next to you then tell her so verbally and directly:

“Wife. I don’t want to share a bed with you. I don’t think either of us can sleep properly near each other right now. Would you mind sleeping in the home office / alternating nights / stay with your mom…” whatever. You can’t force her to sleep elsewhere and IMHO a turf-battle over the master-bedroom is childish right now. If the bottom line is that you sleep in the home-office, then fine – go buy a good mattress and make the most of it. Its only temporary anyways.

Be clear and vocal about the affair:

Make it clear to her that she’s free to go be with OM, only not as your wife. Point out that he’s free to be with her, and maybe she should try to understand why he hasn’t left his wife and signed a lease with WW…

If asked, then confirm to friends and others that your wife is having an affair. Be clear on who the OM is: “WW is having an affair with John, the guy she trains with. I’m not sure if our marriage will survive this. It won’t if she insists on seeing John. By the way – he’s married too. I would appreciate any help you can offer to help me see if there is any hope for the marriage”.

If your WW goes into a funk over your exposure: “WW – I’m doing you a big favor. Now everyone knows you don’t have to hide the affair. You can go and take OM around all your events and openly be with him or any other man you want. But not as my wife. THAT is the only stipulation. This is your big opportunity to get away from me and this marriage. If you remain here, then it’s only because YOU want to and choose to do so.”

Other than that, try to keep discussions to a minimum. You have set your requirements and what you need now is a clear verbal commitment from your wife, followed by actions. If she starts telling you that she had to have the affair because of… ANY REASON:

“I had to cheat because you have BO/cold/distant…. whatever”

Your stock reply:

“I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage, then this is something we would have to deal with. Maybe in MC. But since you are committed to your affair there is no need to go there”

I pulled out a paper copy of the affair decision tree and handed it to her.

You should have hand written a new limb onto the decision tree ---> "Spouses find out, divorce us".

An affair decision tree, Jesus.

You've received excellent advice in this thread, and your actions have been better than most betrayed spouses who post at SI.

With your daughters now 4/8, I'd recommend you dust off your career and restart it. The power dynamic in your marriage isn't working. It can of course work for SAHDs, but it isn't for you. Furthermore your self-worth has taken a hit, working can help that, and help to get your mind off of your marriage.

Keep looking out for yourself and your daughters, your wife has no problem taking care of herself. Stay strong, courage.