SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Be prepared for the hysterical bonding as well. She may try to seduce this all away, and you’ll be tempted, but you need to keep your distance and keep with the 180. This can’t be rug swept away.

Very well done and good advice so far. Write down some notes. Some of my thoughts:

-you are not destroying her life, she did that on her own, 100% her fault. That’s just stupid WS thinking.

- you will need to heal. This will take years. You will need to seek all the help you can get including your family.

- keep talking to the OBS to know what’s going on.

- Move her out of your bedroom at a minimum. You need to detach so your decisions are not clouded by your love for her. You could consider asking her to move out for a while (others might disagree on this). She can move to her airbnb love nest for all you care, yeah ,you know about that too.

-where is your anger? She has hurt you, she has hurt your family, she has hurt your children. How dare she??? They will suffer from this no matter what.

- Don’t believe anything she says. She has lied to you right in your face. You have zero trust right now. Only believe what she does.

- keep talking to your lawyer. All I read so far from her is “me me me”

- stay strong and in command.

- Do not console her. If she starts feeling bad because of what she did to you and to your children, now we have something to work with. If it’s all about “me me me”, you don’t care.

Keep posting, you WILL get through this.

Expose her A to family ASAP. Have her served with D papers at work. This is not going "full mean" to use your expression, it's keeping the momentum going in your direction. You have to serve your own interests now, first and foremost. Your WW is thinking only of herself.

your doing really well. There has been a lot of tremendous advice given to help you get out of infidelity. Remember your goal, GET OUT OF INFIDELITY. Do what you need to do to accomplish this.

Whether you R or D. GET OUT OF INFIDELITY.Serving D papers immediately is a great step in taking control. It allows you time for your emotions to settle, and then you will be able to make the more correct final decisions with a level head.

Draw your line in the sand now.

Well done, Bahama

Assuming she wipes the liquid $&# from her eyes and realizes what she’s done, you’ll then be the person that won her back, through strength and intelligence.

In another way, though, you’ll be like the dog that caught car. Are you sure you really want it, or did you just want to make sure no one else could have it? In short, do you still want to be married to her?

You can want both things, for no one else to have her (especially POSOM), and for you to not have her any more either.

Bahama,

Listen to LtCdrLost. Exposure is not optional in this situation.

It is mandatory. You will not be totally in control of the situation until you expose. Your WW needs To experience consequences. Until you expose she is in the drivers seat. Exposure kills affairs. Having her served at work in my humble opinion would be icing on the cake. Been in your shoes, exposure worked for me. Three years in R. Had I not exposed and gone nuclear, I would be in D. Strength.

Good things to think about in there. Thank you for all the support again.

I exposed the A to both sets of parents and her sister whom she is very close. I know it could change in an instant, but all of them seemed to take my side in this (as any level headed person would!) and offered their support to us all. It felt good to get it out there ASAP as get those caring connections set-up.

While I didn't have the time to move all of her stuff out of our bedroom, I did move her special pillows, charging cords, and sleepware out of our bedroom and into the guest bedroom. I left a note on our front door that couldn't be missed stating I'd realized as I was going to bed she would be coming home form work and lying beside me in our bed and that she couldn't do that. Not now for sure. Especially since she hasn't clearly stated she's even ready to stop the A. I explained it was the marriage bed and she had violated the vows of our marriage and I had her stuff in the guest bedroom.

I never showed that I woke up but she moved her stuff back to our bed and slept there anyway. This morning I found a note to me on my bedside table that read "I thought you wanted to fix this marriage. This is not how it's done. I have worked my ass off for this family, and everything we have (bed included). If you don't want to sleep next to me you can sleep elsewhere. We still have two children to raise." Pure power move from her and I as the BS am not giving her that power even if I have to sleep next to her which I truly don't feel like right now.

I can see it clearer now. It is still all about "me, me, me, me..." with her. She still thinks this is my fault and it was justified. She equates being the bread winner for the family with giving her the right to do whatever she wants. She has no clue what she has done. The severity is lost on her. Who is this person?

Today is going to be hard core 180 day. Even if she wants to talk about the situation with me, I don't think I'm going to engage much.

This morning I found a note to me on my bedside table that read "I thought you wanted to fix this marriage".

Let's see, you've been fucking another man, lying to me about it, gaslighting me, sneaking around, making plans for more, even drafting a written "affair tree" as tool to figure out how to end the marriage. Now you're trying to push me into taking a proactive role into "fixing" the marriage?

By the way, in case it hasn't been mentioned here, do NOT agree to MC at this stage. Most here concur that MC at this phase is too early. Her moral compass is broken and fucked up. She cannot work on the marriage unless she first fixes herself.

Have her read "Joseph's Letter" from the Healing Library. And also "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Among other things, you will see that in both cases, one of the strong recommends is that, as an initial matter, she create a detailed written timeline of the A, including pillow talk and all the "dirty details". At some point, if you decide to give R a try, you'll find you want to know all of that stuff.

Also to that same end, she is likely to go on a deleting spree in terms of texts, messages, etc. This is the wrong thing for her to do. If you are communicating with her at all, you might mention that she ought not do this.

The reason for the detailed full disclosure is one of intimacy. She has shared a chunk of her intimacy with another man, but within the context of your marriage. She has created an intimacy hole in your marriage. Another man owns a piece of the intimacy fabric that should be yours. In a way, she was more intimate with him than with you. After all, she was sneaking and lying to you to see him. He knew the truth about her.

One thing many BH's find is that, before R can even begin to work, they need to recover ownership of that part of her life by becoming intimate in terms of knowledge of everything she did with him, right down to their pillow talk joking about how crappy their respective spouses were. This means seeing all of the nasty texts and messages and such.

Again, you may decide that R is not for you. Right now she is still in infidelity, so your path is still out of the marriage. You may find the A to be a dealbreaker. I'm just giving early suggestions in case you decide to offer R to see if it works.

Ultimately, R only works if she carries the weight and does the work. If you do the work for her, you will only build even more anger and resentment than you already have.

"If you don't want to sleep next to me you can sleep elsewhere. We still have two children to raise."

WW, you are the one who has chosen to sleep with another man. You can lie in that bed. Were you thinking about our two children when you had his dick inside of you? Are you ready to explain to them how it feels to enjoy another man's dick?

"I have worked my ass off for this family"

Except for the piece of ass you decided to give to POSOM.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:57 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

Just wow.

Have a feeling that she’s reacting to you exposing A to family. I want you to remember this incident and remind her, because she will realize she messed up and will apologize and rewrite history.

180

Exposure may work but there's no guarantee. Her reaction is not uncommon. You destroyed her fantasy. So she will be pissed.

she does sound very entitled. Not a good sign upfront. Only time will tell.

Check in with OM's wife. If OM dumps your wife that will help if not you maybe in for more turmoil.

The good thing is you have taken a strong approach which was you only good path.

Stay strong. You've done your best in a bad situation.

Good luck to you

I thought you wanted to fix this marriage. This is not how it's done.

It's not up to her. She destroyed it not you.

Bahama

You are Doing very well so I don’t have a lot of advice for you.

I just recommend that since she appears to not care about how she has hurt you or at the very least is working out whether or not she has a future with the AP that you assume you are moving forward without her. That is all you can do until a Remorseful spouse shows up in front of you.

So only talk about the kids and paying the bills.

Keep it simple. Tell her “it’s clear you have no idea how you have hurt me so, and it’s also clear you don’t appear to care. If you want this Marriage you need to research how to repair it after your affair. In the meantime I won’t be waiting around for you holding my breath waiting for you to decide what you want. I am not second choice to anyone and won’t live a life in a marriage where I’m not my partners one and only. I’ve said all I have to say. I’m devastated and will be working to rebuild my life. If you chose to join my on that path, that is up to you.”

Until she breaks down begging you truly have nothing to work with. I’m sorry.

Please rely on family and friends to help you thru this. You’d be there for them.

Sending thoughts of strength to you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:46 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

Start thinking ahead.

If she refuses to go total no contact. You will need to make a decision. If not she will take control.

Don't make ultimatums you won't back up.

If this is the course she chooses filing D will be your only good option. It takes awhile and you can slow it or stop it if she comes around. If not you will be choosing to live in infidelity. Not a good place for you to be.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:10 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

Wow, just as everyone else has said, you were amazing!

I thought you wanted to fix this marriage. This is not how it's done.

I don't know how you are keeping your cool. Kudos to you. I'd have been on fire if I had read that.

It's up to her to fix the marriage now. It's up to you to get out of infidelity.

You can't fix what you didn't break.

Your emotions will change from minute to minute, but you have a very level head.

Do whatever you need to do for your children and yourself.

Don't worry about the marriage. Unfortunately, it's dead. She killed it.

We're 100% behind you!

Your exposure did nothing to damage the marriage. Her affair did.

Just keep that in mind going forward. All cheaters think it's your job to help hide their affair. Nope, it sure Isn't. She made a very willing and conscious choice. That was all on her.

The truth fixes a lot of things.

There were three emails sent by her AP using this alias email account under my WS's name. Two were texts where she was venting about how unhappy she was with my behavior to the AP. The third was a photo of a "decision tree" that had been sketched out on paper and was being held by the AP. The drawing was labeled "The Affair" and went through the thought process of where they were taking it. It started with are we going to leave our spouses and become a couple and then yes/no'd down to end it with various options to what degree. This last photo email was dated less than 2-weeks ago from today.

Ask her how does this equate to her wanting to fix the marriage? Ask her how sleeping with another man, telling that man how unhappy you are in our marriage (not telling me but another man). Then ask her:

1. Have you ended the affair?

2. Have you gone no contact?

3. Are you prepared to quit training with this POS forever?

4. What are you prepared to do to try and save this marriage?

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Her sense of entitlement is off the charts.

One thing I wanted to mention. I saw yesterday that you weren't sure about exposure, because you believe it puts pressure on the WS to end the affair. First that's not why people are encouraging you to expose. Second, you need to tell her immediately, she needs to decide if she's going to end the affair and go completely NC RIGHT NOW, or you're done. You're her husband. Dont disrespect yourself by waiting for your wife to decide between you and this POS. Give her 5 seconds to answer.

I also saw people mentioning Joeseph's letter. Make sure anything you give her has nothing about SI in it. This is your safe place. Do not lead your unremorseful WS to SI. Clear your history when you leave this site.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:11 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

She woke up as I was getting my youngest ready for preschool and was hot. She immediately asked why I was telling everyone about what she did and is going on. She asked why I was trying to destroy her (WTF?!!!). She accused me of trying to ostracize her from her family. Our child was there and I calmly told her that now is not the time to talk and I will absolutely not speak to her in front of our daughter like this. She kept trying and I repeated my dismissal so she left me alone to get her off to school. I had already typed up my thoughts that I wanted to share with her on my computer. I told her I was taking our daughter to school and then was planning to go for a short walk to decompress some emotion. I told her I wanted her to read the letter I had typed up on the computer. This is what it said...

"WS,

This is what I must get from you if we have any chance to begin to recover.

A letter written by you to [name removed] terminating the affair and explaining that you want absolutely no contact with him ever again. No fluffy “I’m sorry and I’ll miss you crap”, just to the point that you are committing to trying to fix your family and you can’t do that with him ever in the picture again. I need to read this letter before you send it and also watch you send it.

I need a timeline of the affair written out. I want to know when this started and how. I want to know how many times you’ve had sex with him at his condo, etc. The more details I have about your secret activities the better. I have to know this stuff. It can’t be kept secret from me.

I need you to delete AP from your life. Remove from all phones, tablets, and computers. All contact list entries for him should be deleted. You also need to delete your Whatsapp that you’ve been using to secretly talk with him. Your [personal info removed] email should be closed.

Like I explained yesterday, I need access to your phone, etc anytime I want. I need to know all passwords to anything that is locked. I want access anytime I want. You should expect me to be checking in and up on you more often. I may just drop by to make sure you are where you told me you’d be. I have ZERO trust in you at this time. How could I? I just found out that you’ve been lying and deceiving me by having an affair with another man. A man who was also my friend. This was a double betrayal.

I thing given the situation that the above would seem more than reasonable to any other person.

Right now you seem to be in some sort of “me, me, me” state where you think you are the victim. No matter what problems you perceived in our marriage, having a emotional and physical affair behind my back is NEVER acceptable. It is 100% on you. Period. I’m angry right now that you two would destroy two beautiful families like this.

I valued what we had. It’s gone now and I’m grieving. It will never be the same between us again. The memories of what I discovered, the things I saw, the things I read, what I know now is seared onto my soul forever about you. This can’t just be swept under the rug and we move on. It may take years for me to recover if I ever can.

I don’t want to rush immediately to divorce from you. I don’t want our home to be broken one. I love our girls with all my heart and I know you do too. I know right now you are still in this affair fantasy land and feeling like I drove you to do this. I didn’t. You did this to yourself. I can’t promise that our marriage isn’t over. I’m not sure what I want right now with any clarity. I hope it will come with time. All I know is that I absolutely need the above demands met immediately or I am going to explore the divorce option without delay. This isn’t what I immediately want, but I can’t stay and continue to be hurt by you if you aren’t done and can’t prove it to me. That you can’t show any remorse or responsibility for this is killing me. I hope you can start to realize the damage you’ve done and that you will eventually want to fix it.

BS"

I just returned home and she is gone. I believe she read the letter. I also had a copy/paste (no SI connection) of the "What Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know" article from the library pulled up. It looks like she read most of it as well based on the position of the pages.

Now, just waiting and prepared to express my anger and be 180.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:40 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]