SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BS here. First post here and thankful already for this site. I'm only 24-hours in from my discovery of some hard evidence of betrayal although I've had a gut feeling my WS might have been up to something. Looking back over the last 3-months it's become clear how powerful denial can be in clouding our judgement.

I'd noticed the signs of a possible A but never had anything concrete to bring up with my WS. I noticed that she texted the AP frequently but always deleted the texts and call records. I'd know that she was talking to the AP at 3:00 on Thursday, but then when I looked at her call records the call was deleted. I was also suspicious about the increasing frequency that she would train with the AP. What use to be a once or twice a week meet up to train turned into 3-5 times a week. What use to take 2-hours to travel and run an hour (reasonable for us) was suddenly taking 3+ hours because they began adding "lunch" afterwards. I use to be invited to train with them and that has mostly stopped. Lots of little red flags kept building.

Interestingly, the AP's BS was on a race trip and after the event confronted my WS to ask if "there was anything she needed to know about between her WS and my BS?" Both my WS and her AP denied anything was going on and I and the other BS believed them.

Two nights ago I again noticed some semi-secretive texting going on with my WS and my gut feelings started up again. While my WS was at work yesterday, I looked at her tablet and again found all text messages to the AP erased. I got a little more curious and opened up her email and found an account that I was unaware she had. I opened the inbox and it was empty. I opened the sent box and that is when I made my discovery. There were three emails sent by her AP using this alias email account under my WS's name. Two were texts where she was venting about how unhappy she was with my behavior to the AP. The third was a photo of a "decision tree" that had been sketched out on paper and was being held by the AP. The drawing was labeled "The Affair" and went through the thought process of where they were taking it. It started with are we going to leave our spouses and become a couple and then yes/no'd down to end it with various options to what degree. This last photo email was dated less than 2-weeks ago from today.

My WS and AP are SITD that I know about them. I feel destroyed and overwhelmed by emotion and pain. We are all friends. I didn't sleep last night more than about a :45 doze on the couch downstairs. I couldn't lie next to her with these thoughts and pain about what to do. My appetite is gone.

I wanted to give my D-Day some time, at least a few days to let me process the feelings and plan what to do, but I'm a wreck and I know it's going to show. Last night we had a meaningful discussion about our family and relationship but I didn't confront her about the affair. I guess I was trying to get a read on her and did feel this overwhelming urge to let my love for her be known.

There are so many complications and possible outcomes to my eventual confrontation that I'm terrified. I love my WS and don't want to lose her. I'm hopeful that we can make it through this.

[This message edited by Bahama at 9:09 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

Get proof before confronting.

Have hard evidence. Otherwise she will deny and you will have no hard evidence.

Do not admit where you obtained the evidence from. Be vague if asked.

Find a good counselor to support you during this highly emotional roller coaster ride you are on. It can save your sanity.

I would inform the other betrayed spouse right before any confrontation. Without any warning or your wife and her AP will conspire against you. Evidence is a must. As you've seen cheaters lie, hide and deny!!!!!

[This message edited by Marz at 3:08 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]

Do not do the "pick me dance" or try nicing her back. That will just make you look weak and unnattractive, lowering your status while making her AP look even better.

Do not offer Reconcilliation upfront or jump into marriage counciling. Let your head lead the way and try to keep your heart out of it. It will betray you in these situations.

Thank you for the quick replies and advice. I've been reading all the library info and it has helped tremendously.

This is so strange to me because I'm in pain and am the one who's been betrayed, yet my concern for the eventual confrontation is for how it will upset her.

I plan to take my time, plan this out and make sure my head is straight before I confront.

Copy the decision tree. I think that's proof enough.

Inability to sleep is normal. Inability to act 'normal' with your WS is normal. Being overwhelmed with emotions - anger, grief, fear, shame - is normal.

If your W shows any desire to R, I suggest giving her a printed copy of https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp?

Keep SI to yourself for now - just tell her you found it on the web.

If R is on the table, think about your requirements for R. NC is a basic requirement as is 'no more lies.' You can't R unless both of you are honest with each other and, above all, with yourselves.

Drink water. Eat of possible. Sleep - doze - when possible. Move your body as much as possible. Don;t hesitate to seek IC or meds if you think they may help.

Know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your W is cheating because of her own issues, not because of any issue with you or your M. This is all on her.

Also, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can survive and thrive, with or without your W.

I'm sorry you qualify for membership here. Since you do, I'm glad you found us.

BTW, you'll get lots of advice. Some will push one solution of another. Some will aim at helping you find your way through this horror show. I recommend placing more weight on the latter.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:26 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]

Bahama, I am so sorry to see you here. I read your story and felt intensely sad that the trust you and the OBS place in your wife and her AP is being so brutally abused. To me that the OM is in your social circle let alone a friend is the deepest betrayal.

Gently, I wanted to point out that using a decision tree seems an incredibly cold-blooded way of processing the destruction of two families. This, coupled with the knowledge that your wife feels critical of your behaviour to the OM, makes me think you may already have lost your wife. She and the OM come across as callous; clearly they expect to "win" at any cost including your and the OBS.

I can tell you are a decent guy from your concern for your wife's feelings but please find your anger at the massive disrespect and dishonesty you are being shown. Use the anger to drive you to prompt action to protect yourself and your girls. My experience is that you can't avoid the emotional hell but you can take some heat out of it by taking back some control.

I wish you good luck and I will thinking of you.

[This message edited by hansvoleman at 4:18 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]

Gather your evidence. Copy it. When ready and don’t wait too long, expose this affair. Has it gone PA. Looks certain. When you are ready tell the OBS. She has a right to know. This is a double betrayal. From what you’ve disclosed, the AP is a friend. Piece of shit. It also looks likely your wife and him are planning their fantasy future relationship. She’s checked out from your relationship and looking to the future. R is going to be hard if that is what YOU WANT (you call the shots from now on) but you won’t be able to do that until you expose the affair. First thing first, she must stop training and seeeing him. Immediately. Complete NC. But more of that later and her willingness to want your marriage. I’m sorry you’re here. There are good people here who will advise you. You will get through this.

Bearing in mind that your WW is writing out "decision trees" to decide whether or not to dissolve your family dynamic, I think you'd be wise to see an attorney as soon as possible. You've got kids to think of, and depending on where you live, adultery can still be grounds for divorce with sizable effects on settlement. It's so hard to be practical when we're blindsided with the worst betrayal we can imagine. But getting seeing an attorney can also help you plan your confrontation. Knowledge is power.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but my advice is to be prepared and get your ducks in a row so you know where you stand. Do get STD testing as well.

ETA: I think it's an amazing amount of chutzpah on your WW's part to think that she can cheat and then it's HER call, like you don't also have a say in what options are realistically available in the "decision tree". You don't have to stand around waiting for her to choose. You've got choices too.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:08 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]

Hide a digital VAR in your WW's car to get proof.

Also a real time GPS on WW's car to find out if she

is not where she is supposed to be.

Why do you want to make things work with someone who is willing to betray your trust and sacrifice the security and trust of her children for sex? Think about that a bit.

You don’t need to decide now. In the shock of discovery it’s so hard to comprehend the pain mixed in with the love.

Go to your bank. Get a full understanding of your finances. Split your finances as much as possible. Contact a lawyer and understand your rights and obligations.

Prepare for the day of confrontation, I think you have enough proof but you could gather some more:

1)Get a VAR and GPS and put it in her car, if you can afford a PI to take pictures and video of them together, it would be money well spent, especially if you live in an at fault state. It's important to have the VAR in place before confrontation, as soon as you do, she will most likely contact OM to get their stories straight to minimize the A.

2)EXPOSE the A with OBS immediately after confrontation, (don't warn your WW about this), typically OM will throw your WW under the bus to save his own M , nothing kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE with OBS and with all family and close friends, yes another consequence of her huge betrayal, she needs to apologize to them as well.

3) Do not offer R immediately, she needs to show true remorse and offer full transparency with FULL on demand access to all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER and not delete texts anymore.

4)Demand NC FOREVER with OM and any friend or relative who knew of/enabled the A, they're not friends of the M and have to go too.

5)Go to the bank the next day and take half of the money and put it in a bank account on your name only.

6) Do NOT do the "Pick Me Dance", it never works, you can't nice her back, you need to start detaching, man up, fear will make you look very weak, be decisive and take control, you can't control her, you can only control yourself.

7)Do NOT take any blame for her A, problems in the M you own 50/50, her A is 100% her fault, she willingly made a CONSCIOUS DECISION to betrayed you, don't believe the "I made a mistake" response, a mistake is when you unwillingly take the wrong exit on a highway or make a wrong turn, again she made hundreds of decisions to betray you and her children every single day of the A.

8)If she refuses to end the A and or contact with OM, file for D and have her served without warning, D takes a long time and can be stopped before it's final, if she shows true remorse (not just regret of getting caught).

Keep posting, this is a crucial time, the collective wisdom of SI could help you navigate this awful situation, we've seen it play out thousands of times, every case is different by cheaters typically follow a similar script.

^^^^^

Listen to Buster.

[This message edited by Bahama at 8:14 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

Buster and others.

As I plan my initial confrontation about the A, I do feel very compelled to notify the OBS. I think it HAS to be done. If she knew about them and I didn't I would absolutely want to find out from her. As much pain as I have right now, I already know it's for the best down the road compared to not knowing. I hate the idea of the OBS never knowing, or even worse, finding out later and knowing that I could have told her. Her shithead husband needs to face the consequences too.

As I already mentioned, the OBS already has had her suspicions and did a "light" confrontation without evidence to my wife the end of last year. We all laughed it off as silly and I even backed-up my wife that nothing was happening.

Buster, you suggested also notifying friends and family as a means of pressure to end the contact? What is your thinking there on time frame? That seems harsh unless it's necessary to get my WS to go NC post-confrontation. It seems that this could really sabotage any chances of reconciliation later on.

Also, is it wrong to use the threat of exposing the A to friends and family if she doesn't go NC and work on us? Or should I just hold that card and do it when it feels right related to her behavior and the progression of the situation?

When you say you moved closer to family, is that your family or her family or both? Just asking because you will need support and after you confront, best advice is usually to out the affair to family and friends - affairs tend to die a quick death when exposed to the light of day.

[This message edited by Bahama at 8:15 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

Bahama, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can offer some advice re your beautiful girls. My boys were under five when my WH decided to have an affair. I’m the aftermath he ran to his AP and then to his parents where he remains. My children were understandably devastated. I have since read that the worst families for these type of affairs to happen in are stable, secure loving ones as it pulls the rug out from underneath them (the way you describe your family reminds me very much of my own). The advice I can give you is be absolutely honest with them in an age appropriate way. I say this as a professional with years working with children. Honesty will help them to understand that it is not their fault. I expressed my feelings in front of my children, I talked to them about theirs and I allowed them their voice. I spoke about it in terms of ‘daddy breaking very important promises that he’d made to mummy’. They are now happy healthy and adjusted. Both still willing to talk about their feelings. My WH and I work together to ensure they feel secure and safe despite everything, which at times has not been easy. They never met the AP as I managed to show him how damaging that could be for children. Again I’m so sorry about the pain you’re going through.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 5:00 AM, February 24th (Sunday)]

Bahama,

After reading your posts, I get concerned about where the confrontation is heading. For example:

I love my WS and don't want to lose her

This is very very normal at your stage. But, your number 1 goal is not to keep her, your number 1 goal is to get out of infidelity. You can do this either through R or D, but for R to happen, you will need to have a remorseful wife which will do anything to save the marriage. You don’t know how she will react yet.

Always keep in mind that you’re 50% responsible of your marriage but she’s 100% responsible for her wayward behavior. She took that decision to cheat, to hurt you and to hurt your 2 daughters. It’s all on her.p, there are no excuses!

What you are reading in her emails is just weak justification for her wayward behavior.

Before you confront:

- Talk to a lawyer!

- start the 180. You need to detach so that you can take better decisions for YOU and your daughters.

- find your anger. Her actions will hurt you tremendously. Not only that, but despite your best efforts, she will hurt your children, for selfish reasons.

- talk to the OBS, coordinate if she’s willing.

- take 1/2 of the money in joint accounts

When you confront, you:

- stay calm but firm

- don’t reveal your sources of information

- don’t accept any blame shifting

- tell her that she’s free to date anyone she wants, but not as your wife.

- explains that her behavior hurt both you and your children, and this will hurt you 3 for years to cone.

- explain to her that you are talking to a laywer to best determine how to proect yourself and your daughters from her destructive behavior.

After the confrontation you:

- detach

- don’t cook, do laundry etc for her. Sleep in a separate room.

- take care of yourself, you have to be strong to take care of your children.

- go have fun with your daughters, without her.

From today, you’re walking away from infidelity. Whether she follows you or not is up to her.

All of us here on SI stand behind you, stay strong!

It sounds like you have enough evidence. Don't look for excuses to delay this. The longer their affair continues the more entrenched it will become and harder to break.

If you want a VAR Sony makes a good one, you can get Velcro to attach it under her car seat. Read up on how to use them first. Get good batteries!!!!!

Expose should be done all at once without any warning. They will get together and conspire against you if you don't. Make sure his wife knows right before or right after you confront. Do not skip this step. You need an ally!!!!

Keep your evidence in a safe place, preferably two safe places.

Fear is a liar and will keep you bound. The ones who get strong quick come out of these situations best.