1) For those of you who found "happiness" in your lives during the affair. How did that reconcile with the fact you were destroying lives? I can't get over how the affair made my WW happy (I know it was an escape, a recreation of her past, etc), too me this translates to "destroying lives made her happy".
I did not find happiness in my life during the A because I was not looking or wanting happiness. I was wanting revenge for 47 years of pain. I was looking for a way to unleash the anger that over the years had turned into pure rage.
Destroying my BH, myself and my M in no way made me happy. I was, for so long, so full of all the ugliness from the self- hate, contempt, loathing and the rage that I didn't know the definition of the word "happy."
Trying to figure out how I had gotten to the point of being able to intentionally cause pain to my BH and destruction of my M, well it was my rock bottom. I can not tell you how much I hated what I had allowed myself to become and really scared of the person I was for those 2 months. In order to reconcile the fact that I caused such destruction, I set out to face my demons and fix my shit. I was done with being weak and broken.
2) If the DDay outcome was different would your reaction and feelings post dday (including today differ?) For example, part of the reason for my WW's affair was revenge, she wanted too hurt as she thought I had an affair as well.
So I wonder, would the remorse, regret, emotional turmoil, shame and guilt been there on D-Day had I turned to her and said "You got your revenge for my affair, it did happen"?
When I set my mind on something, like the goal of fixing my broken self, nothing was going to stop me. Whether my BH decided to D or R, I was going to do the work to heal. I used the shame, guilt and remorse that I felt to propel me to become the person that not only my BH deserved but the person that I truly had always wanted to be.
So in that sense, my reactions and feelings post D-day would not have changed. I would have faced my demons and healed myself no matter what.
After saying that, please remember, I had already ended the A, I figured my BH would divorce me and I was still full of rage. So I am going to be completely honest with you. You may not like what I am going to say because my BH didn't when we had a similar discussion.
My reactions would have be different if my BH had reacted differently than he did. If he would have tried to throw me out, I would have refused to leave.
If he had exposed the A to family and friends, I would have seen it as an act of war and my rage filled self would have retaliated and we would probably be D.
If he had filed for D and had me served immediately, I would have signed and we would be D right now.
I know how my answers to your questions are going to sound to a BS. I was a monster and I know it. I intentionally set out to inflict as much pain on my BH as I could. I was like Carrie at the prom. The guilt, shame and remorse that I felt on D-day were selfishly more for myself than my BH. I had no empathy for him, hell, I didn't even have too much sympathy for what he was feeling. At the time, I believed that he deserved everything he got because of his behavior pre-A.
I do want you to know that true remorse hit me shortly after D-day. I got the help I needed. I not only faced my demons, I kicked their ass and was finally able to heal all the broken parts of me. I continue to help heal my BH and work on myself. We are a team in our M and my BH considers us reconciled. So anything is possible.