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I Can Relate :
BS Questions for WS's - Part 13

Topic is Sleeping.
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 10:35 PM on Friday, February 28th, 2020

WW had several long distance EA’s over a 1 year period 9/18-8/19. In June 2019 she met a guy at a bar and had a 2 month PA.

After Dday I got the time line and they were physically together 5 times. I went through our text conversations and noticed that every time right after she was with him she would text me and say “I can’t wait to see you, I need you, l need sex”, etc.

Our sex life has always been great, she assures me the affair was an escape not about sex she said she would feel guilty and want to make an immediate connection with me. Sex was just the price of admission to the A. Would like some insight.

[This message edited by Tanner at 6:24 AM, February 29th (Saturday)]

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 724   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8517261
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AintGonnaLose ( member #72530) posted at 8:21 AM on Saturday, February 29th, 2020

WS’s— did you find that you had become entitled and unfairly negative towards your BS as a result of the infidelity, maybe developing disdain or contempt towards them? Any rewriting of marital history to go along with it? How long did it take you to see that? Were you ever able to pinpoint specific ways? What made you realize it, and how did you react when your BS tried to point it out?

I’m interested in hearing from men and women if anyone has the time.

[This message edited by AintGonnaLose at 2:22 AM, February 29th (Saturday)]

BW 39
WH 45
D-day 1/20/2017
6-7 years of emotional disloyalty, 3 years of SA online behavior and A seeking. So far we suck at R.

—I consider it a challenge before the whole human race

posts: 70   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2020
id 8517433
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MrCleanSlate ( member #71893) posted at 4:45 PM on Monday, March 2nd, 2020

Tanner,

Sex was just the price of admission to the A. Would like some insight.

In my case I was looking for the attention, the ego stroking and being made to feel wanted. Sex was a cost of admission for me as well, but I won't deny that I pursued it too.

I was diagnosed with depression after my A. So that may have played a part in my looking for the lift I got from the A. Much like you I have a special needs son who takes a lot out of us. That and daily life getting in the way and BW and I forgot to look after ourselves and our M.

MY AP made me feel special, granted she bullshit me as much as i did her and I willingly lapped up all the compliments, etc. That was the drug I craved.

I should have opened up to my BW, but sadly I didn't and went off and had an A. It took a lot of soul searching to understand my whys.

WH 52,my BW is 51
1 year PA, D-Day Oct 2015
Admitted all, but there is no 'clean slate'. In R and working it everyday
“To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day

posts: 667   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8518232
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Slowly_Breaking ( new member #28149) posted at 6:01 PM on Monday, March 2nd, 2020

Waywards, why the anger?

My wife had an exit affair. I’ve not asked her to pick me. I’ve been focusing on my healing. I’m trying to get our affairs settled. She’s moved out but still needs to come get the remainder of her things.

She’s been emailing me about a rather small matter, but all she does is spew venom at me, and has become SO FIXATED on this item. Blames me for it being an issue, demands I deal with it.

Why is there so much hostility? I’ve literally left her to have her space and recently, she’s just gone off the rails with hostility.

Once her things are gone we won’t have to talk about anything until Divorce. And I’m looking forward to it because I just need the space from her and her anger.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010
id 8518262
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Awan ( member #72656) posted at 7:43 AM on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2020

WS, when your BW found out and you decided to leave your OW, strictly NC after DDay and stay with your BW is it out of fear or love? Can you really erase OW from your life completely?

I can only imagine if I really love a person and we had a relationship and suddenly it has come to an end abruptly I would be missing that person at least.

My WH told me he doesn't miss his OW or even thinking about her at all since now he knows truly how much I love him and 2 weeks prior to DDay he felt like I become the wife he's been missing for so long (a pathetic excuse I know) but I find it hard to believe.

ME: BW(30), WH(30) NO KIDS

Together for 12yrs, married for 5yrs

DDay#1 01.19.20 PA OW1 (A start 05.19)
DDay#2 TT 02.18.20 EA OW2 (A start 03/18 lasted a year)
DDay #3 03.13.20 (broke NC w/ OW1 6 days after DDay#1, 1x PA)

Status: Separated

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Indonesia
id 8518551
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MrCleanSlate ( member #71893) posted at 10:20 PM on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2020

Awan,

This is an ongoing issue with all BS and WS.

In my case I broke up with my AP before D-Day, so I had no 'break-up grief'.

I realized that I was using my AP. I didn't really care about her. Looking back I know that I never did. I used her for the selfish ego stroking that I was looking for at the time.

In some really twisted way I started the A to get some marriage counselling - because I was too afraid to talk to my wife about my and our problems. That is a much longer story than I will get into here. The point though is that sometimes it isn't about love or sex. Sometimes it is about taking and being selfish.

WH 52,my BW is 51
1 year PA, D-Day Oct 2015
Admitted all, but there is no 'clean slate'. In R and working it everyday
“To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day

posts: 667   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8518797
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Awan ( member #72656) posted at 1:13 AM on Wednesday, March 4th, 2020

Awan,

This is an ongoing issue with all BS and WS.

In my case I broke up with my AP before D-Day, so I had no 'break-up grief'.

I realized that I was using my AP. I didn't really care about her. Looking back I know that I never did. I used her for the selfish ego stroking that I was looking for at the time.

In some really twisted way I started the A to get some marriage counselling - because I was too afraid to talk to my wife about my and our problems. That is a much longer story than I will get into here. The point though is that sometimes it isn't about love or sex. Sometimes it is about taking and being selfish.

So many times I wonder if my WH broke it off with his OW before DDay will things be better for us now?

The thing is I still firmly believe had I not caught him he will continue the A regardless what he said about him wanting to end the A early this year. I just don't see the evidences backing up his statement.

I know my H is a text book NARC but My God he has no conscious at all and now that everything is revealed I can see it so clearly.

ME: BW(30), WH(30) NO KIDS

Together for 12yrs, married for 5yrs

DDay#1 01.19.20 PA OW1 (A start 05.19)
DDay#2 TT 02.18.20 EA OW2 (A start 03/18 lasted a year)
DDay #3 03.13.20 (broke NC w/ OW1 6 days after DDay#1, 1x PA)

Status: Separated

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Indonesia
id 8518855
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 5:35 PM on Wednesday, March 4th, 2020

Waywards, why the anger?

My wife had an exit affair. I’ve not asked her to pick me. I’ve been focusing on my healing

.Well, you answered your own question. You didn't play the pick-me dance, beg for a second chance, and display how crushed you were to lose her. Instead of the high of two men vying for her, she now has to hope that her other option works out, or she'll be discarded and alone. In typical wayward fashion, she's making this your fault, because "if you'd appreciated what you had, the A wouldn't have been necessary."

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2038   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8519132
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Nolife ( member #72136) posted at 8:04 PM on Wednesday, March 4th, 2020

Have you ever been in the position of a ONS I mean you’re climbing on top And decide at the last minute This is a mistake and you don’t want it. Maybe anytime time before or during? You’re not attracted to him and her and you’re starting to feeling guilt and shame and if so how did you get through it? Did you think of having your wife instead of them? Did you do the deed? Did you try and lose it? Did you get through it but thinking ugly thoughts about your wife? Just Curious if this happens.

posts: 69   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2019   ·   location: Florida
id 8520146
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Slowly_Breaking ( new member #28149) posted at 8:58 PM on Thursday, March 5th, 2020

Waywards,

My wife has been very angry and hostile recently. After I caught her, she basically left and never came back, had a place a few weeks later.

I was met with mostly silence. I did the 180 for my healing, she never really reached out. When we had to speak about matters relating to the house and finances, it’s been hostile

Recently, shortly after a hostile outburst, she’s mentioned that she wants to talk. Her tone in her recent communication is different, not compassionate but not hostile either

What am I to expect? I suspect she’s going to try to alleviate some her her guilt, and I’m not interested in that.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010
id 8520562
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brokenInDenver ( member #71262) posted at 12:27 AM on Friday, March 6th, 2020

Why did she cheat on me with someone who was such a bad fit for her?

The guy my WW cheated on me with seem like her opposite. Admittedly the guy has an amazing job and he can be really witty/funny but he's not attractive, he's overweight, shorter than she, balding, smokes (which my wife abhors), belongs to 'the other' political party (not going there), is of a different religious affiliation, likes to gamble (another thing the wife hates) and she says the only meaningful conversations they had were about work. OK so... wtf?

Did any of you cheat on your BS with someone you wouldn't ordinarily even want to date? If so... can you help me understand why? Sincerely appreciate any/all help.

BS (me) early 50s. WW late 40s. Two step-kids, no children of our own. Still married

posts: 132   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Colorado
id 8520655
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Walkingthewire ( member #69084) posted at 8:48 PM on Saturday, March 7th, 2020

I came to ask the same question as Nolife.

I always wonder if he thought about me when the act was going on. But I've never had the lady balls to bluntly ask questions like that.

Married 15 years
BS (me) 36
WH 36
11 year old boy
7 year old girl (Idiopathic Pulmonary Hemosiderosis)
A Sept 2018 (while he was overseas)
D-Day Dec 9 2018
Working towards R

posts: 390   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8521293
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Nolife ( member #72136) posted at 6:49 PM on Sunday, March 8th, 2020

OK the therapist says that his story on his ONS don’t make sense. What she says is he’s filled in things and in his mind he believes them to be true since the one night stand took place 39 years ago now and he told me May 2019.

So she says for my brain to be able to have full acceptance to stop my triggers and my dreams he has to come to terms and we have to try to find The truth so that my brain will be in an acceptance.

He agrees that the story he told makes absolutely no sense and he don’t know how to read the truth from his memories because he says why would I say something if it’s not the truth. So he’s battling that question.

Has any other wayword spouse Dealt with anything like this?

So The story goes like this his.

We were separated we got back together from his first infidelity at the fifth year of our marriage a lot about what took place on first infidelity it wasn’t to the point of sex but he didn’t tell me for 40 years the truth About what he was doing with his hands under the covers and keep saying he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

That infidelity caused us to break up at the second year after the first infidelity of our marriage during that time is when a social friend of mine told him a lie about something I said. She invited him and his frind back to her condo with her and her female friend supposedly bar had called last call. His Friend fell asleep in the car waiting on her female friend to show up. She showed up briefly said he was asleep in the car and she was going home. he said she left he got up to leave and that’s when she kissed him and lead him to the bedroom she took her dress off and then she kissed him again. He got on and prematured ejaculated he tried to continue and she asked him angrily if he wanted to stop because there was nothing to work with.

He said he rolled off he told her( he wasn’t ready for this). While he was putting on his pants . Said all he could feel was guilt and shame during the whole sexual act and even worse now. Said all I could think about was this was wrong he didn’t love her he had no feelings for and he just thought about me and what he had done.

He said that he remembers her telling him

“ that she said he didn’t have to tell me she said it, but I was wrong about him”.

That he thought she was trying to make him feel better. That don’t make no sense according to therapist.

Said he asked Where the bathroom was to clean up. He said he just wanted to get outta of there.

He said he went out side And friend was gone. So He went to The door ring the bell she came to the door he told her his friend is gone wanted to know if he could use the phone. She said she would give him a ride she close the door left him standing outside. She went and got dressed came out told him that she had to hurry up because she had to get her daughters to church. she had told him she had two daughters 16 and eight and he said at that point he started thinking about holy crap I hope those children were not in the house he said he felt like shit. He said the ride back to where his motorcycle was at his friends house was a long ride they did not talk he told her where to take him he had her take him to two streets from his friends house and let him out and he act like he was walking up to the house as she drove off then he went and got on his motorcycle from there and he said he went to Sambo’s restaurant looking for me in road by my house before heading home. He got home got in the shower he said he couldn’t wash off what he had done said he felt disgusting and filthy.

Fast forward! When he said he had an affair I told him I couldn’t handle the fact of him ejaculating in another woman I didn’t know if I could handle it. Then the story began at first he lost his hard while he was doing the trickle truth for nine months then told me a about premature ejaculation. That I can beleive Because if he hasn’t had sex in a while it happens.

So he Trying to hide the fact that he ejaculated because he was afraid that I would leave him. So two weeks later he said she come up to him and ask him if he was OK with everything and that she don’t want no strings attached. Therapist says that don’t make no sense. Then he said when he was outside leaving the bar that same night she come back up to him and asked if he wanted to come back. Therapist says that don’t make no sense either.

Therapist said women do not come back affair a one night stand with there’s no physical attraction to her and a man has had premature ejaculation and could get it up a second time and after they have told you they’re not ready for this. Especially if it wouldn’t come up again after the first premature ejaculation. She said they definitely are not going to worry about your state of mind to weeks later and ask you to come back and try again.

Bs to Ws what’s your thoughts have you Dealt with this and how do you figure out what’s the truth? Did he make up things as he went? He having a hard time understanding why he think there real and why would he create all these lies. He says he remembers the act like it was yesterday he remembers her asking him if he wanted to stop because he knew she had not reached orgasm because it was just a few strokes. He said he remembers that she was not tight he said the saying little women big hole big women little hole fit the bill. Why would he remember things like that? How do I help him too? We need to get passed this. He did have a third infidelity at the 7th year but came clean. Married 45 year’s!

[This message edited by Nolife at 4:34 PM, March 9th (Monday)]

posts: 69   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2019   ·   location: Florida
id 8521465
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ladyphoenix ( member #72766) posted at 3:23 PM on Monday, March 9th, 2020

I find this thread very helpful.

I’m wondering where I can find parts 1-12?

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8521677
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 3:34 PM on Friday, March 13th, 2020

Our sex life has always been great, she assures me the affair was an escape not about sex she said she would feel guilty and want to make an immediate connection with me. Sex was just the price of admission to the A. Would like some insight.

I would say that I was less interested in the sex aspects and more interested in the attention. I was in a very bad place - depressed, exhausted, empty nest, mid-life, you name it. I didn't have the coping skills needed to deal with it - I escaped my life instead of managing it. Living in a fantasy world was much easier. It was self medicating and avoidance. Ignoring my reality, and kind of reverting back to my irresponsible youth.

I had a great sex life with my husband, always have. I wasn't seeking sex, I was seeking an escape. I wasn't even escaping him or our marriage, I was escaping me.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5921   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8523038
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, March 13th, 2020

WS’s— did you find that you had become entitled and unfairly negative towards your BS as a result of the infidelity, maybe developing disdain or contempt towards them? Any rewriting of marital history to go along with it? How long did it take you to see that? Were you ever able to pinpoint specific ways? What made you realize it, and how did you react when your BS tried to point it out?

I’m interested in hearing from men and women if anyone has the time.

I think most waywards do this unless they are super good compartmentalizers. It's difficult to do something wrong without justifying it.

Prior to the affair, I had reached a point of physical and emotional exhaustion. I didn't have boundaries to say "no" to things, and I was always hustling and overdoing to feel worthy of my family's love.

I twisted it around in my mind. I felt like H had too many expectations, that he wanted an employee/assistant rather than a wife. I felt unseen. I blamed him for all that. The reality is that I was the one who had these expectations on myself in order to see myself as the perfect wife and mom. I never said no or placed boundaries on my time because I was conflict avoidant, people pleasing, and didn't feel like I was worthy enough to say no. I had grown to resent it, but it was an atmosphere I created. When I had the affair, H was an easy scape goat rather than taking responsibility for my own life, my own actions, and my own happiness.

I don't think my h was able to point it out exactly at first, because he really had no idea. It took about six months probably after the A was over to start seeing some of that and accepting it. The IC actually made me stop doing anything for anyone else, and then adding back. That was a very difficult thing for me to do, because I really did associate that was what I was loved for. And, to come home to a husband who I had cheated on and tell him that's what I needed to do...that was beyond uncomfortable. But, we worked it out. We hired some help, and I used the extra time to work on myself. I saw for the first time through that I was loved for me and that killed me that I had the keys all along.

As far as not being seen, I realized next that I had been a perfectionist all my life and again it was a way of feeling worthy in front of others. It was rooted in shame. I had to go and figure out the origins of that shame and resolve those things. I learned that because of it, I was never really being fully authentic in going along with everything and being people pleasing. So, it wasn't my husband didn't want to "see" me, I wasn't showing him who I was. I would say that whole process took somewhere close to the full first year.

Waywards often have some deep seated issues that are hidden from their view. The first step is for them to see it (Getting to their whys) and then the next is for them to start changing those patterns of behaviors. It takes a long time, longer than I would have ever imagined. But, doing so has changed a lot of my skills in both coping and in being a partner in a relationship. Hope your WS finds their path too.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5921   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8523053
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 4:01 PM on Friday, March 13th, 2020

Why did she cheat on me with someone who was such a bad fit for her?

The guy my WW cheated on me with seem like her opposite. Admittedly the guy has an amazing job and he can be really witty/funny but he's not attractive, he's overweight, shorter than she, balding, smokes (which my wife abhors), belongs to 'the other' political party (not going there), is of a different religious affiliation, likes to gamble (another thing the wife hates) and she says the only meaningful conversations they had were about work. OK so... wtf?

Did any of you cheat on your BS with someone you wouldn't ordinarily even want to date? If so... can you help me understand why? Sincerely appreciate any/all help.

Yep, I did this for sure. The person I chose wasn't appropriate at all.

I think it's sometimes more about proximity and opportunity when an affair starts, for one thing. Getting too close to someone or enjoying their attention too much.

But, the weird thing is you begin to rely on that. You aren't really interested in the person themselves, you are interested in how they are making you feel. Then, somewhere in all that because of how that is feeling you begin just projecting things on that person that aren't really there. Very hard to understand, I realize. But for me it was never, oh I saw this person and just couldn't control myself. It was more I was in a really bad space, didn't take responsibility to get myself out, and started relying on this person to make me feel good. That's a dangerous downhill situation.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5921   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8523067
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 12:43 AM on Wednesday, March 18th, 2020

I had a great sex life with my husband, always have. I wasn't seeking sex, I was seeking an escape. I wasn't even escaping him or our marriage, I was escaping me.

Hikingout.

Thanks for the reply, you are valuable contributor here and was hoping you would answer my question. A lot of what you say here and on other posts match up with what W says about her infidelity. Thanks again very helpful.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 724   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8524437
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Slowly_Breaking ( new member #28149) posted at 6:19 PM on Tuesday, March 24th, 2020

Waywards,

Why would you be NC with your BS? We’ve separated and we were on decent terms after we had the talk (about how it was my fault she cheated, but she takes responsibility for not telling me she wanted to separate and cheated instead)

She messaged over a week ago after we had to speak about something. Radio silence. She knows she has hurt me in the worst way. She knows I’m in isolation for COVID yet she hasn’t reached out to me.

I know it’s for the beat, but man, what’s going through the mind of a WS in NC?

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010
id 8526013
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 8:03 PM on Tuesday, March 24th, 2020

Slowly breathing,

I am not sure if you will get any responses from a WS in NC with their spouse. In the time I have been here, typically you only find WS who participate because they want to R. The ones who don't never really stay. Few outliers to that but I can't think of any that are in NC who aren't falling over themselves wishing they weren't and trying.

So, I can only say as a wayward, some of us get stuck. Some stuck in their own shame, some stuck in their own selfish narrative, and some it's a bit of both. One thing for sure is most of the time the stuff WS is doing has little to do with their BS but the stories they tell themselves about the situation to make themselves feel better. I am not sure that helps or not.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5921   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8526036
Topic is Sleeping.
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