SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has she cried or shown any emotions about the affair, about getting caught at work and fired? What has she said to you about the affair?

She has not cried.

She apologized for hurting me and getting fired.

She avoids the topic as much as possible.

I haven't brought it up too much because the topics I want to address are sexual issues but I am too humiliated to actually talk about them. If I can't figure out a way to address or accept the sexual topics we will get divorced.

I thought she would bring up the obvious issues from the affair but she hasn't.

If you want the truth you'll have to tell her what you want. She's not going to volunteer anything.

While you're away think about what you want/need.

Write it down. Timeline, etc.

At this time you don't know if she would even be available for R even if you offer it.

I suspect some space, distance and time away from her will clear that up.

Make sure you don't fo the needy, clingy behavior some fall into. No contact means no contact.

You should by sll means secure your finances immediately.

You don't know what she could do. You never thought she'd cheat either. But she did. Do not take any chances!!!!

I have already thought about her cleaning out all the bank accounts. I don't think she will do it unless she runs out of money which I will not let happen.

I would meet with a lawyer and get your financial ducks in a row. Some lawyers will give you a free 1 hour consult. Many advise taking out half the money in your accounts and putting it into your own name so that she can't touch it...I'd get legal advice on that too.

Knowledge is power, you will be able to make a much better decision about staying together if you know where that puts you financially. Use this time away to get your duck in a row so you feel safe getting a divorce if it comes to that.

I'm a little shocked that she isn't knocking herself out trying to "win you back"... which makes me worry about her staying at the house with access to everything.

Marz I don't think I could take her name off all the retirement accounts especially the insurance policies.

If she wants to steal all the money in the checking, savings and money market she can do it if it keeps her hands off the retirement accounts.

If she is not genuinely remorseful and sincerely empathetic to the pain she caused you, she will not likely be very cooperative in providing you the information and details you need.

She is consumed with herself, as she has been for the last at least two years, and you are likely regretful collateral damage. Having an opportunity to get away in a calm and comforting environment is the best medicine right now.

If she is not filled with remorse, contrition, and commitment to 100% honesty and transparency, you will be better offer out of her infidelity than consumed by the toxic environment an remorsefulness cheater will create.

A little thread jack here, but this is the most triggering screen name ever

Marz I don't think I could take her name off all the retirement accounts especially the insurance policies.

If she wants to steal all the money in the checking, savings and money market she can do it if it keeps her hands off the retirement accounts.

That's correct but you can lock them in with a separation agreement.

I'd see an attorney and at least get a consultation.

Better safe than sorry. Knowledge will also help with your anxiety

The thing that makes me crazy is I had no idea she was having an affair. Also, she was a pretty good wife the last two years actually there was no difference versus all the other years.

She always kissed me every morning. She told me she loved me many times per week. We had sex a couple of times per week and both seemed to enjoy it.

She loved Sunday morning sex. I sleep in a different room because I have sleep APNEA and use a machine. She sneaks in every Sunday morning and is very affectionate then we have sex every Sunday morning. We also have sex at least one other night per week.

She was probably having sex with me once in a while on the same days she had sex with him. She certainly told me she loved me on the days she had sex with him. These are the types of questions I want to ask her but am too humiliated.

I also want to ask the comparison questions but am too humiliated. How do you ask your wife of thirty plus years what sex was like with another man vs me ?

I feel like I haven't known her for years.

The easiest solution is simply divorce and walk away without figuring everything out over a long period of time. I doubt I can come back after a two year affair.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 5:05 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

You need to know these detales only if you going to R. It seems right now she is not showing any worries whether you are going to end the marriage. If you file she may come to her senses. Many times it happen. for e.g. Read yankee99's post

ditto on the screen name ....😕

I guarantee you that her A had very little to do with sex or the lack of affection you gave her and everything to do with her enjoying attention / compliments / and the ego boost her AP gave her.

Zamboni and waited

What do you mean about my screen name ?

Go along

It might be worth getting a divorce just so I don't have to ask my wife of 30plus years what sex was like with another man.

I have no idea why my wife is not showing more distress. Like I said she was a good wife and didn't change her behavior at all over the time of her affair. Maybe she is still in the fog. Maybe she wants a divorce but I doubt it because she had no complaints before or during the affair. Maybe she thinks I won't divorce her. I don't know.

I have read the term cake eater. Maybe she was a cake eater. Maybe she is in shock.

It is also nice being out in the boonies because everything is much cheaper.

I am just glad I am at my brothers house where the loudest things are pine tree needles falling to the ground.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 5:24 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

SweetCreamPie,

My wife had a LTA like yours. You’ll never get the full truth about the sexual stuff. She’ll trickle truth initially. I’m with you in the humiliation part too, man. We all are. There’s no easy way. She’ll never tell you whether he was bigger or went on longer. Even if he was or did. This doesn’t matter if it were true because if she’s remorseful she will view the OP as a piece of shit eventually. She will eventually come to her senses that he didn’t respect her as a married woman and mother. Which man has an affair with a married woman? The man has no morals to have an affair with a married woman and on that account alone he has nothing on you. He’s a gutless swine immoral individual. No honour, no respect. Bastard of a human and not worth your time. I got what I believe was everything and interrogated my wife for weeks. Her story stacked up. As far as timelines and most of the details (how many times they had sex etc and where - I confirmed with google maps and aligned with her account). We are in R for a few months. I have younger kids (school age) so not in your situation where I could leave the home or city for a few months to sort out my head. What I suggest is you need individual counselling to help you process this. She urgently needs counselling to work out why she allowed this to happen. Forget marriage counselling until she gets her “whys”. Keep posting. We are here to help.

[This message edited by Mene at 5:33 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

She probably compartmentalized the affair. It was her secret other life. You nor anyone else was supposed to find out. Unless she thought they had a long term plan to be together which ended when her other man dumped her. At this time you only know the "tip of the iceberg".

The thing is a good wife doesn't destroy her family and marriage for a married coworker. Be aware of that fact.

Marz

But she was a good wife in the way she treated me and our family.....I noticed no difference in her over her affair time period.

I don't know if it is possible to love someone you spend only 5 hours per week with during lunch. I don't know how to make sense of this.

I think she may have enjoyed being desired by two different men at one time. I wonder how prevalent that is for an affair motive. It must be a powerful emotional experience to be desired by two men during the same time period or even on the same day.

Re: your screen name...

Creampie. Means sex was finished and no condom was used.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 6:06 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

I didn't know that cream pie had a sexual connotation. Sorry.

I meant my favorite kind of pie

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 6:08 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

Marz

Yes. I think it was her secret "other life" that was more sexual than our married life.

We still had good sex twice a week but it wasn't as good as it was years ago. I doubt it is possible to keep sex as exciting over a 30plus year period.

I think she was living a secret life to get exciting sex and to feel desired by two men at once. She may have developed feelings for him but I would be surprised if she loved him if she did not communicate with him at night or the weekends.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 6:16 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

Thank you, Golden ... I was struggling trying to explain that tactfully!

Your WW sounds ambivalent .... I think the distance apart and NC is your best bet.

Don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology ... you may not get one. The closest thing I got to an apology was “I know I haven’t been a great husband.”

No contact and 180.