SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am having a very hard time with the sexual details of wife's affair and am too afraid to bring up the topic with her. It is so painful and humiliating to ask my wife about her sexlife with another man after thirty plus years of marriage I just don't do it then I get very resentful and distant.

I need advice on how to manage this whole topic. I don't even know how to start the conversation and I can't get past the humiliation of asking her questions about her sexlife with another man.

Why am I humiliated ? I didn't do anything wrong. She is the one who should be humiliated.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 4:42 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

You’ve been emasculated by your wife’s actions. It’s normal to feel humiliated by having to talk about this with her.

It’s interesting that some BS don’t want to know all the details but others need to know every last one.

How has your communication been with her since DDAY? Is she remorseful? Will she understand your need to know? Better yet, Is SHE humiliated?

No matter how you go about it, it won’t be pleasant. If asking her straight up doesn’t work for you, Consider writing down a list of questions and having her write her answers down at her leisure. Read it and then discuss when you feel comfortable.

Keep doing that until you are satisfied you have the complete truth. This could take days weeks or months. Whatever works for you.

I have no idea if she is remorseful. She was fired from her job two weeks ago for having an affair with a married man at work. They were both fired.

I can barely speak to her because I am so humiliated and hurt.

I just keep thinking of them having sex and want to know all the details but she avoids the conversations.

I am too humiliated to write a list of questions because I couldn't sit there and listen to the answers.

The humiliation is overwhelming.

Back off and take some time to think. I suspect you knew nothing until two weeks ago. Which means you're still in shock.

It might be good for you to visit family friends. Get some time away from all this chaos.

It maybe a good idea to inform the other mans wife if you haven't. It might get you a clearer picture of what happened that you won't get from your wife.

Cheaters are notorious liars.

Take care of yourself first.

You are correct. The affair was all on her not you.

If she isn’t willing to tell you ANYTHING and everything you want to know then she isn’t remorseful. If she isn’t begging you for forgiveness and ripping her heart out of her chest with her emotions laid bare in front of you then she isn’t remorseful.

I honestly think it’s pointless to have that conversation with her unless she is doing those things. A remorseful wayward is is crushed by the betrayal of their partner. If you aren’t seeing that from her yet then continue to keep your distance physically and emotionally.

Take care of yourself above all things right now. Excercise, eat right, hydrate, and talk to friends and family about what has happened.

She should be coming to YOU asking YOU what you need from her. Until you see that, don’t even bother. Recovery from these things is a LONG road. This will require an incredible amount of patience. The people here can walk you through it.

Keep posting you'll need as much support as you can get.

How did you find out?

I'm sorry you're here, but you're in the right place. Please have a look at the healing library (see the yellow box above). Look at that stuff. It's a good place to start.

For now though, focus on your own health. Try and eat and hydrate.

I would see your doctor for STD testing and maybe something to help with sleep.

Others will be along to help. Don't tell your WW about this site, keep it for you.

She is not begging for forgiveness. She was caught so I am not even sure she wanted to stop.

I asked her if she loved him and she gave an equivocal answer. I asked if she preferred sex with him and she gave an equivocal answer.

I almost don't know her anymore. She is very cold right now.

I am considering moving to my brothers house to get away from her.

Be carefull leaving your home. She should leave not you. You didn't cause this.

How long was the affair? I'm assuming they were caught at work?

I would rather go to my brothers than have her leave. I could use the friendship right now and he lives on an excellent fishing lake. I would love to wake up each morning and go fishing for an hour before work.

She is not begging for forgiveness. She was caught so I am not even sure she wanted to stop.

I asked her if she loved him and she gave an equivocal answer. I asked if she preferred sex with him and she gave an equivocal answer.

I almost don't know her anymore. She is very cold right now.

I am considering moving to my brothers house to get away from her.

No remourse maybe some regret at getting caught.

Don't offer Reconcilliation or jump into marriage counciling upfront.

Get strong you'll need it.

I would rather go to my brothers than have her leave. I could use the friendship right now and he lives on an excellent fishing lake. I would love to wake up each morning and go fishing for an hour before work.

Some time away and support maybe what you need at this time.

Does your brother know?

It is hard but you need answers. You deserve answers. A d she needs to answer them. You need to time to think. Tell her to leave to her parents or a sibling for a while. Demand no contact with the POS. Then prepare your questions. Go see a lawyer as well. I would suggest you file. See if she wants to save your marriage.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 12:28 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

Yes, they were caught at work. They didnt break any official rules but the owner didn't want married people having affairs working for him after they were caught.

She said the affair lasted two years and was mostly sex but she would not answer clearly if she loved him so that could be a lie.

I don't think she is communicating with her AP anymore because she got a no contact letter from him saying he was going to work on his marriage.

She said the affair lasted two years and was mostly sex but she would not answer clearly if she loved him so that could be a lie.

Sorry but that was an answer

Yes. My brother knows. We are very close. He said I could come and stay forever. His kids are out of the house and his wife passed from breast cancer.

Sounds like his wife might know but in these cases it would be important that she does.

Just because they were caught doesn't mean it will just end or stop.

2 years is a long term affair. If they have any contact at all it will continue.

Did your wife confess to you?