SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have no idea what I will do.

I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow.

I have still been fishing twice a day which is fantastic.

It will be hard to stay married to a woman who had sex with another man hundreds of times and it will be hard to walk away from a 30plus year marriage which was quite happy even during her affair.

It will be hard to stay married to a woman who had sex with another man hundreds of times and it will be hard to walk away from a 30plus year marriage which was quite happy even during her affair.

Did you really know who you were married to for over 30 yrs? This is who she is from the beginning. You are/were in love to someone you didn't really know.

One of the reason she used to justify her affair is the "thrill". I understand if it's once, twice or even a handful of times. But 3-5 times a week for two years is not for thrills! This is an escape from reality.

Dear SCP,

If you are considering staying with your wife, I would recommend the following.

1.) Send a powerful no-contact letter/email to the OM, and you and your wife endorse it.

2.) Inform the OMW

Best,

Bigheart

I hope the fishing is superb!

One comment I wish to make is that you need to protect yourself in all facets of your life and care for yourself from an emotional, physical, spiritual and financial standpoint.

There is a shit sandwich nobody has referenced and should be avoided if possible.

If you can avoid having to give up significant marital assets or pay alimony or maintenance to a wayward spouse then please do so. I feel you should protect yourself.

Paying a significant amount of money or making payments to a wayward spouse because of their adultery is very painful.

It is horrible to have to make monthly alimony or maintenance payments to a spouse you have divorced because of their adultery.

This is something else you should research and evaluate when deciding what you wish to do in response to the betrayal of your wife.

Don’t forget STD testing.

And it might not be her first affair.

I asked for sexual details when I discovered the emotional affair my boyfriend had was actually physical. I wish I didn't know what I know now. I think it would be easier for me to move on if I hadn't met her and didn't have to visualize specific things. Some people heal from hearing-- I think it made things worse for me.

Do fly-fishing.

There is nothing fly-fishing can’t cure.

SCP – Don’t focus on how often. Technically once is enough. Schwarzenegger is quoted as having said:

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

Something comparable applies to you: You would feel equally bad if they had sex 18 times as if they had sex 36 times.

The length of the affair is IMHO a more significant factor but once again – they compartmentalize. That’s also why the marriage might have felt OK – In her mind the infidelity had nothing to do with the marriage.

Once again:

A couple of questions:

Was OM also fired?

What was their work-relationship?

I’m asking because it might be relevant to the legality of her losing her job. If you decide to reconcile that could be relevant for financial reasons. If you decide to divorce that could be relevant for financial reasons and your possible financial commitments to her.

Bigger

They were coworkers in departments that had nothing to do with each other.

He was fired.

We don't fly fish now but we will at some time at a different location.

Sky

I asked general questions and they don't bother me too much.

What kinds of questions haunt you ?

There is only one that haunts me a little bit - she had orgasm every time which isn't surprising.

Hotdog

You don't know what you are talking about. You are just making shit up.

Lol!

Good luck to you sir! Hopefully it all works out for you at the end.

SCP,

It is good that you are seeing a lawyer, and I hope you get the information that you need tomorrow.

If you are still feeling torn and undecided, then give yourself more time to mull things over. You are away from your wife, you are with your brother, you are enjoying the fishing. Why not give yourself some time to let things turn over in your mind? It sounds like you are in a great place to talk with your brother, or lose yourself in the fishing, while things fall into place in your mind.

Seriously, unless you suddenly have some kind of epiphany, give yourself some time to deal with things at a slower pace.

As for knowing who we are married to, I think all of us in these forums could ask ourselves the same question and struggle to answer it with 100% certainty. We thought we did, and then they showed a side of themselves that we had never seen before. Maybe they had never seen it before either. And then, there it was. Until that happens, how can anyone know it is there? And what if it developed over time? The truth is, we tend to trust people until they show us we shouldn't.

Take care, SCP. You are a good man.

SCP, I am a long time reader and first time poster. I am saddened by your situation. I am a behavior analyst by profession and my story is not disimiler to yours, although mine occurred many years ago.

I get a sense that you are private person and a man of few words. Like many of us who have gone through this hell and kept on going we feel your pain. I have a few questions for you if you don't mind answering.

How did the workplace find out about the affair? How did the conversation begin the day your wife was fired and she came home to tell you the reason. What has your wife's demeanor been from day one through coming to see you? Finally I find it odd that she mentioned during your last conversation that your wife offered up the marital home as opposed to asking for forgiveness and / or councelling etc.

As many of the veterans have mentioned, you and your wife are still in a state of shock . I was fortunate as you are that I had a brother to share my pain with. Hell all of us share your pain and will continue to do so. Choose advice that fits your situation and disregard the rest. This group of people comes from years of experience and thoughts come from their collective hearts and minds.

Peace

I am sorry for a thread jack. Sometimes it is good to back away and focus on things that are truly important. Please provide an update regarding your fishing trip i.e. lure, bait, or fly, spiecies of fish, numbers caught, big one, and the giant one that got away. Please feel free to exaggerate!

A fly rod, line, fly, and perhaps a fish. I can see the mist rising from the water....Nice!

I think I may wet a fly this weekend.

SCP: I know that they had sex twice at night after drinking (booze induced at least) and then twice again in the morning once they were sober. And then went to work together. I know that she doesn't do any grooming downstairs because I asked if he went down on her and he told me no and why. I know he did not orgasm and that it supposedly only happened once. I also know he's a liar and cannot be trusted so this, I should add, is his side of the story. I wish I didn't know what I know, and I'm terrified even more of what I DON'T know.

Hi everyone

It has been a couple of days.

I saw a lawyer.

I am tending toward divorce.

Wife is still begging me to come home sooner or later.

Last night she dropped of a bunch of home cooked meals.

I told her I want the suggested 90 days before I decide anything.

I have been fishing twice a day every day with my brother. This really helps.

Ripped62

I mostly fish for bass, walleye and perch but I will also take pan fish, northern pike and Muskie. I throw back the panfish, northern pike and Muskie. I love the taste of walleye so that is the goal.

As for lures I pretty much stopped using lures except a simple koppers perch lure for northern pike. I borrow bigger lures from my brother for Muskie. I don't fish Muskie often.

I don't do much fly fishing locally. We do it a few times a year on the channels and sand bars around here. I am not a professional fly man.

I go to Canada and fly fish once a year in the huge rivers. Every year I have to be taught how to cast and manage the pole. Fly fishing in Canada is such a treat because of the beauty of the mountains and amazing rivers which we don't have in my area or in most places in the United States.

I have been fishing twice a day every day with my brother. This really helps.

It is great to hear this. Please continue to stay exactly where you are. I believe it is doing you a lot of good, regardless of which way you choose to go in the end. It is vital that you have a place and a space to unwind and deal with this at a pace of your choosing.

Wife is still begging me to come home sooner or later.

Last night she dropped of a bunch of home cooked meals.

It is entirely up to you, but I think your best option would be to ask your wife to respect your need for your own space, and to stop contacting you. Protect your healing and thinking space.

I understand her desire to keep interrupting your thinking time, because she knows what you are likely to be thinking. What she cannot see is that she is damaging her cause by constantly putting herself in your face, because the reason both of you are at this point in your lives is because she selfishly put her wants before yours.

It is now time for you to make your emotional and mental health and well-being your number one priority. So please, SCP, tell your wife to cease and desist, continue your fishing and unwinding, and eventually you will know in your gut when you are ready to make your decision. It may be that you already know what that is likely to be, but why rush it?

I hope you have a good weekend, and enjoy your fishing, SCP.

Thank you for the fishing report. I am headed out shortly. Enjoy the serenity of your trip. Walleye are superb.

A wayward wife (mine) I knew wanted to go fishing. I told her we were not fishing for crab or catfish and I had no need for stink bait. She shouted a few expletives and told me to f*** myself....I did get to fish in peace and had a great time without her.

I hope you did not mind my attempt to add levity to a very difficult time in our lives.

I am glad you are at a place where you do not have the constant stress from her being with you all the time.

Enjoy the peace and fishing. May you catch a nice muskie or walleye.

Best wishes and good luck.

Thank you for checking in. Sharing your story helps others in ways you'll never know.

It was a wise move to insist on your 90 days alone.

The decision to D or R is yours and yours alone.

I am going threw same thing 34 year marriage kid are gone had pefect family and marriage until the last 3 months she goes with a customer from her company and than starts going to his house thanks god for the I-phone was able to locate address than she was busted I am very sad because the way it ended but I will move forward now and find another women to love this is how you must deal with this because the way I see it there sick in there minds