SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is all on your timeline. No one else's. You need to be calling all the shots.

You take as much time as you want/need. Do what you want need. No one else matters at this time.

It's good you have support. Most don't know much about dealing with infidelity. Read up!!!!!!

Have you got access to her emails? Her phone? If she’s got a google account it tracks her location from her phone. Ask her to give you immediate access. Then check her google account for locations. You can do thag on a PC if you have her google account and password. You need to move fast. She will lie and lie and lie until you show her proof. This may have been going non for more than 2 years.

And one other thing. Steel yourself about the sex details. She’ll probably minimise initially. Then you rightly won’t believe she’s telling you the truth. She may trickle truth you which is like being tortured slowly. Tell her you will contact the bastard’s wife and seek information from her. The sex part will emasculate you. It will torture you but if you need the full truth remember that you’ll have mind movies for the rest of your life.

I’m sorry you’re here. We are here to help you. Keep posting and if you need further advice about ways to uncover the full truth we can provide that for you. Ask her also to take a polygraph and carry the threat through. Some say “yes” initially and then have second thoughts when they get there. We call it the car park confession. And then tell you everything.

Lastly, seek professional help. She needs to get into individual counselling as you do to cope with the shock and for her to understand the whys. You don’t have to make a decision about your future yet. See if Reconciliation works. Wait for a few months. Especially if you still had feelings for her.

I wish you strength. You’ll get through this.

[This message edited by Mene at 1:03 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

I agree she should be begging for forgiveness but she is not. She has mostly been quiet.

It is because her other life was exposed. It sounds like her other man dumped her (NC letter). She is in mourning for him.

Not a good position for you to be in. Sorry man

You need some time to decide what you want.

Don't rush into anything at this time.

It will take a period of time but you'll know which path to take

I think it would be good for you to live with your brother for a bit but I would talk to a lawyer first. You should see one anyway.

Ya before you go anywhere I'd recommend talking to a lawyer first. Leaving the marital home for an extended period of time can really bite you in the ass legally. I know you say it's not what you prefer but you should really reconsider asking your wife to leave. Her behavior around you at this point sounds detrimental to you.

And I hate to pile on but like others say you need to consider that this might not be her first affair. It sounds like you didn't suspect a thing and have been married over 30 years. Not trying to freak you out even more, but you need to be mentally prepared that things could be much worse than you currently know. Maybe she could be in shock, but to me it sounds like she's upset she got caught and her affair is over. It's possible as much as you're focused on her, she's not giving you much thought at all.

There are plenty of things you need to know but if you throw questions at your wife left and right she's not going to answer them. Why should she? In a situation like yours I recommend filing for divorce. It doesn't mean you have to go through with it, divorces take time, but you need your wife to realize how badly this is affecting you. Right now I'm sure all she's worried about is herself. You can mope around and interrogate her till you're blue in the face, but when she sees divorce papers in her face then her reaction will tell you plenty about how much she values your marriage.

Also I know you're going through an emotional roller coaster. And as for the humiliation, there's not much we can tell you. Eventually you'll realize her affair(s?) most likely had nothing to do with you. There was something broken in her. You have nothing to be humiliated about, as you didn't do anything wrong. Same as a victim of a violent crime. Now I know reading that probably doesn't help, but once the shock wears off and your emotions become easier to control things are going to come into perspective. It might take awhile but it will happen.

You might also want to consider seeing a therapist for yourself. And don't think about marriage counseling right now or bring it up with your wife. That's not even on the horizon for now.

[This message edited by JS84 at 3:09 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

Hi, I can totally relate - I was in the same boat. It’s a rock and a hard place - you want to know if the sex was terrible (and he has a wiener like your finger ha ha) but don’t want to know anything else. I havnt read all the replies so I might be repeating but my advice is one step at a time - if you can’t handle more than you dealing with right now than don’t and you might find that after enough time (like me) the details fade away.

Go slowly, you going through hell and that’s enough for now

I agree with talking to a lawyer first. But since child custody is not a consideration you should be fine to move out.

Also, I’m not sure what you are saying to each other, if anything, but if it were me, id say something simple like:

“It’s clear to me you are mourning your relationship with this other man. I will not be with a partner that pines away for someone else. I am a good person who deserves to be loved, cherished and made to feel safe in his relationship. If that’s not something you can see yourself doing now or in the future, then it’s better that we end this M and move on.

I suggest you work through your issues in therapy and figure out what you want in life. When you do and you think I’m a part of it, let me know. If I’m still available I’ll listen to what you have to say”

Then move on. Read THE 180 found here in the healing library and implement it.

There’s nothing you can do or say to make her want to work with you on R and your M. You can’t control that so stop trying.

Work to find your happiness without her. If she wants to come with you on that journey she’ll let you know. In the meantime, focus on you.

Good luck.

First, sorry you're here. Second, you need to get tested for STDs, as does your wayward wife (WW), since cheaters rarely, if ever, use condoms. Oh, they may say they do, but when you find out the truth, you'll see that they didn't. So she's opened herself up to whatever the other man (OM) is afflicted with. Especially if this isn't her first rodeo. You yourself stated that she never had time for an affair (A), yet here you are. Since you didn't notice anything out of the ordinary, who knows how long she has been doing this over the past 30 years?

As for the details, the other thing you'll read about quite often here is that wayward spouses (WS) will do things for their affair partner (AP) that they would never do for their betrayed spouse (BS). This includes things like oral, anal, threesomes, etc. The thought is that it adds to the excitement because of the illicit nature of these taboo acts in some marriages. Other times, the WS will give up the sex to either keep the A going, or to continue to get the emotional "kibbles" flowing.

Some BSes need to know all of the details, since how can you really forgive someone if you don't know all of what they did? Others don't want to know any of the details. Only you can decide what level of detail you require.

I agree she should be begging for forgiveness but she is not. She has mostly been quiet.

Marz stated it before--she has just been hit over the head with a strong dose of reality. Her fantasy bubble has just been blown to smithereens.

Right now, her quietness, her coldness, and her grief are 100% about her. SHE lost HER job. HER affair was exposed. HER affair partner sent her a no contact letter....so the other man is out of HER life. Her, her, her, and nothing else really matters right now. Unfortunately, you are still very low on her priority scale. It rubs all the more salt into the wound.

You are going to hear this ad nauseum, but you need to put the focus on you. You, and ONLY you, are going to get yourself to a better mental place. Even if you are not ready to see a lawyer about all that will be involved if you eventually divorced, at least confirm that there is no legal/financial penalty if you were to leave the marital home for a period of time. If you wish to go to your brothers to help clear your head, and get some support, that sounds like a fantastic idea. Believe me, if your wife comes back down to reality, and wants to try to save her marriage, then she will be EXTREMELY patient with your wants and needs....which you are fully entitled to.

So:

--Go to your brothers

--Get some space between you and your wife

--Focus on some of your short term wants

--Take time to ask yourself what you REALLY want as you move forward

--Speak a lawyer(s) to learn your rights

--Know that this pain does subside

Treat staying at your brothers as a visit to process the pain. You do not need to give up access or the ability to domicile at your home in case you separate.

SweetCreamPie,

Welcome to SI.

There are a couple of books I recommend for you and your wayward spouse (WS):

1) How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald

2) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Your WS should start with How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It is a short read. It will take 45 to 60 minutes to complete. It provides a road map out of infidelity. It costs $10. You should read it as well.

The 15 points from Linda MacDonald's book that are a minimum for a wayward spouse to be doing in order to help you heal:

Successful Rebuilders:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth

I would suggest you compare your wayward spouse's actions to this list to determine if they can successfully turn their life around and heal the marriage.

I would then discuss the details you need to know after she has read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

The second book Not Just Friends she can read later.

You should give yourself time to process the trauma before you decide to reconcile or divorce. The paths of reconciliation and divorce may run parallel for sometime. Your situation is yours so I recommend no time table at this point. Some people recommend 6 months to get out of the initial shock. You do as you wish. If this is a deal breaker you can always divorce now, then, or sometime in the future. Infidelity is often fatal to marriages but it does not have to be. Many members here have created great relationships after the original marriage was destroyed.

I know you are hurting and your emotions are raw, do not try to make since of their wayward behavior. It is asinine and illogical. It will make no sense and unless you have that warped perspective there is no way to reconcile the stupidity and risk taking. They get to own it. The consequences are theirs.

Post often and make use of the resources on this site. We are here to support you as you get through this crisis and out of infidelity.

Your WW is deep in the A fog, she's NOT remorseful, she's sorry for herself that she got caught, exactly how were they caught ? and by whom ? (you may ask your friends who work there) she NEEDS to be completely honest for you to even consider R, has she apologized to your family and children ? if not, DEMAND she does it in front of you, right now she's mourning the loss of her boyfriend, in order for her A fog to lift she needs to HATE the A and not remember it as "something beautiful and romantic", yes your WW is in love with OM, she had 2 year LTA and developed feelings for him, before you go stay a few days with your brother get a couple VARs (Voice Activated Recorder) and some velcro and place one in her car under the seat and one in your bedroom (he/she may try to break NC), then go stay with him for support and when you comeback to the house kick her out for a few days.

DEMAND she gets tested for STDs and pregnancy today, DEMAND full access to her phone and ALL electronic devices and passwords, DEMAND she takes a polygraph to find out if she's had other As during your M. Even though she received and NC letter, DEMAND she sends one to OM(approved by you) no sweet good byes and to the point: NC FOREVER, find out who else knew and/or enabled the A, if one of her friends or family knew but kept quiet about it then they're not friends of the M and they also have to go (another consequence of her HUGE betrayal).

You need all the details, you need to know what you exactly what you're forgiving if you decide to stay give her the gift of R, DEMAND she writes a timeline of the A, how it started, how did she allow it, did she ever talk about leaving you for OM, was he ever in your home, did she have sex with him then you (sloppy seconds), how could she lie to your face and family with a straight face for that long, did she ever consider ending the A, did they almost get caught previously, etc.

She needs to go to IC to find out why she gave permission to CHEAT, tell her to read "Not Just Friends" and "How to Help your spouse heal from yuor affair", if you if she refuses to any of the above then file for D without warning, you can stop it at anytime if she comes around and starts complying with your demands to become a safe partner, it normally takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity (if you're able to recover from it) and she needs to do the heavy lifting, if you decide to R, DEMAND she signs a postnup with an infidelity clause in your favor, if she cheats again you file for D and she leaves the M broke or at least you keep the house and the lion's share of assets and no alimony for her.

Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time and you need to have the collective wisdom of SI with thousands of cases like yours, cheaters follow a typical script.

I moved out of the house this morning. I am now at my brothers house on a beautiful fishing lake in deeply rural America. It already feels better to be away from her. I am more relaxed.

My brother said I can stay forever which is tempting since it is so beautiful out here. The only down side is that I am 60 miles from work but I could probably get a new job out here. Having a free and beautiful place to live makes divorce more acceptable.

I told my WW I need one month of NC with her to figure out what I want. She agreed.

I told my kids and they were shocked. They called their mom and were furious with her.

We are going fishing at dusk tonight.

Thanksgiving has already been moved to my brothers house rather than our house.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 2:28 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

Has anyone ever gotten all the details they need from their WS after an affair that is at least two years long ?

( it seems unlikely I would get all the details over a period that long )

For all I know it could have been much longer.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 2:51 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

At some point I think you should call the OBS and get some of the details from her. You might not be prepared for sexual details but certain things like... Were they saying I love you, where they planning on leaving their marriage? Where they bad mouthing their husbands/wives? Where they exchanging gifts? Spending money on hotels... Things that might help you to make your decision on if you want to divorce or reconcile.

I think it's great that you told the kids. My guess it that your WW is still in the affair fog. She believe the affair in on hold and will start up again when the OM is free.

Does she believe you would ever divorce her? Does she think this is something that will just blow over? How did she react to you telling the kids? Is she looking for a new job? How long to you think she will be out of work? Do you know exactly how they were caught?

I'm glad you are getting the peace of mind relaxing at the cottage, fishing and having your brother around. My only concern is that she could clean out the house and accounts while you are gone.

SCP —

I am glad that you currently have some peace being at your brother’s house. But you are likely in shock right now, so be prepared for a lot of other emotions to start overwhelming you — like anger, sadness, etc. I think the distance from your WW is a great idea. It gives you some time to think about how you want to proceed.

My WH had a three year LTA. I know how devastating and painful this is. It’s awful and life-changing. It’s impossible to know all of the details ... at best maybe you can get a timeframe but you will never really know the extent of it. I doubt your WW would even be forthcoming about it anyway.

Marz and Ripped gave you some great advice ... I suggest you screen shot it and refer to it later. I am sure your brain feels like mashed potoates and it’s probably impossible to process much of anything.

Take care of yourself. I am glad you have some family there to lean on and help you. Don’t isolate yourself.

told my WW I need one month of NC with her to figure out what I want. She agreed.

I told my kids and they were shocked. They called their mom and were furious with her.

Nice job. You moved fast and are taking control.

I would contact the other mans spouse as well

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/simplified-180.asp

Read up it's what you need right now.

FreeMe-

You ask some good questions.

I don't know if she thinks I will actually divorce her. She knows I am a cheapskate and will not want to split my assets.

I will divorce her. I already know i can divorce her and live a decent life especially if I live at my brothers for years to come.

I have already thought about her cleaning out all the bank accounts. I don't think she will do it unless she runs out of money which I will not let happen.

We are not rich now but we will be very comfortable upon retirement because we have been saving like pack rats for more than 30 years. We have two life insurance policies each of which could support a retirement for both of us if they are not cancelled. Additionally we have IRA like accounts, ect and a union plumbers pension. I just have to make sure she doesn't cancel the insurance policies or trigger penalties on the IRA like accounts. I will gladly give her half my paycheck for another ten years as long as she doesn't cancel the insurance policies or trigger penalties on all retirement accounts.

She was a customer service manager at a large company. She can always get new job but it won't pay as well probably. She was making as much as I was for the last ten years.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 3:47 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]