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SCP, only ask the questions you want to ask for now. No need to go into details if you don't think you can handle it.

However, you should get a written timeline from her, to see how/when this betrayal started. At least have some information, so that you can make an informed decision, be it R or D.

If you are leaning towards D, then, a PG version of the timeline would at least give you an idea of how long it went on for. If you decide to R, then one with all the minutiae of the A can be written, put into an envelope, for you to read when you are ready.

Whichever path you take, I wish you a safe journey through the hell you are going through.

Let’s be clear on something - you have NOT been emasculated.

Your masculinity is NOT determined or validated by your wife nor any other woman - period.

Your masculinity is NOT determined by your wife’s loathesome behavior.

You and you alone are the ONLY one who determines what sense of masculinity you desire to live.

^ THIS. Couldn't have said it better myself. I was somehow able to understand this early on, even immediately after DD. It helped me a lot, even when I was (and still am) tormented by those godawful "mind movies."

Her AP might have been better, he might have been worse -- in the end, whether you choose to R or not, it DOES NOT MATTER. Only the future matters. Only moving forward. Whatever that means for you and your WW.

I think you're making the right choices so far SCP. Taking time so you can think away from the perpetrator is a good move and a physical LTA was a deal-breaker for me too. See a couple different lawyers for free consultations so you can get some idea of what divorce would look like for you. Again, take care of yourself.

did you ever consult an attorney about moving out and the effects it can have on you legally ?

You were advised to do this and before you knew it, you left the house

My wife came to my brothers house last night unexpectedly. She begged me to come home.

She offered to give me the house and our 20 acres of land that abuts a state forest outside of any divorce agreement if I would come home and try to make our marriage work.

The house and land are worth at least one million dollars without the land being subdivided. If and when our little town allows it to be subdivided it will be worth much more.

My wife is bribing me to move back to our house with a minimum bid of one million dollars.

We talked about some of the details of her affair. I think she was being honest.

She said it was two years. They met at his house 3-5 times per week and had some kind of sexual contact most of those times. I asked her if sex with him was better. She said it was different because as we got older we only made love rather than fucked and made love. She said their sex was all fucking and no love making. She said it was the same as when we used to fuck when we were younger.

I asked her if she did every sex act possible and she said yes.

I asked if his dick was bigger. She said both were vabout the same. I felt pretty stupid after I asked this question but it was on my mind previously so I asked it.

I asked if she had orgasms most of the time and she said yes which means he was giving her oral. She confirmed this.

So she had a full sex life with another man for two years.

She said she did have romantic feelings for him on and off but never loved him. She said she never once thought about leaving me for him and always wanted to grow old with me. Also, he had no intention of leaving his wife and three kids. They agreed the affair was only a lunch time affair. They never communicated outside of work. They never communicated on any electronic device so they could not get caught.

She said she did it for thrills and she thinks she was having a mid life crisis.

She told me she would take as many polygraphs as necessary to make sure I believe her story.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 1:48 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)]

I wouldn't go home. I'd give her a list of requirements needed for you to consider attempting reconciliation. You don't have to live with her for her to start working on herself.

Western

I have not consulted an attorney.

Hellfire

What kind of requirements should I consider giving her before I come home ?

If you were thinking about going home and working on the marriage I would do it ASAP.

Please note that this is coming from being in a protracted divorce and the advice is practical and void of emotion.

I would get the paper work drawn up and signed now. If things go wrong you are in a better financial position. She also would now have reason to do the hard work of healing the marriage. If you are not able to reconcile you are in a better financial position.

Both of you read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". Good example of what is needed to try to reconcile.

SCP I read your post of your most recent conversation with your WW and I flinched at each one. I can only imagine the searing pain you must have felt hearing your wife admit the details of her infidelity.

There are others who are wiser than me who will probably offer you sounder advice but if I were to offer any advice it would be to not allow her to bribe you to move back home until you are ready. You moved away for good reasons. Stick with your original decision.

I truly do wish you the strength you need to get through this ordeal that has been thrust upon you and the peace that healing will bring.

Well like many of us here I did the math... 4 times a week for 2 years = 400.

"Husband please come home and work on our marriage. We just have to get over the fact I fucked this other guy 400 times."

That's quite an ask.

Did she even apologize?

She said it was two years. They met at his house 3-5 times per week and had some kind of sexual contact most of those times. I asked her if sex with him was better. She said it was different because as we got older we only made love rather than fucked and made love. She said their sex was all fucking and no love making. She said it was the same as when we used to fuck when we were younger.

I asked her if she did every sex act possible and she said yes.

I asked if his dick was bigger. She said both were vabout the same. I felt pretty stupid after I asked this question but it was on my mind previously so I asked it.

I asked if she had orgasms most of the time and she said yes which means he was giving her oral. She confirmed this.

So she had a full sex life with another man for two years.

She said she did have romantic feelings for him on and off but never loved him. She said she never once thought about leaving me for him and always wanted to grow old with me. Also, he had no intention of leaving his wife and three kids. They agreed the affair was only a lunch time affair. They never communicated outside of work. They never communicated on any electronic device so they could not get caught.

Your WW has a tempting offer, tell her to put it in writing with a postnup and then you will consider it, yes no assurances to see how much she really wants it.

I agree the sex with OM was not necessarily better but probably felt that way because of the thrill/excitement and secrecy involved. Romantic feelings mean she loved him to some degree, maybe not enough to leave you for him but yes feelings of love were involved, especially when the A lasted 2 years with no end in sight, did she reveal how they were caught and who caught them ? She obviously was not contemplating stopping the A and it took her being caught and dumped by OM for her to confess and want to become a faithful W again, is she willing to apologize to ALL family and children because of her HUGE betrayal ? tell her to give you a written timeline of the A, is this the first time she cheated ? Ask her if OM had told her to leave you for him after being caught and run into the sunset what would she have done ? would she have consider it ? ask her what they talked about you during her A, is she willing to take a polygraph ?

3-5 times a week... Say it's an average of 4 x 52 weeks x 2 years. That's over 400 separate "sessions"... And it only ended because they were caught. Sir, I wish you all the best in refusing to eat the shit sandwich you've been served. Whatever you choose to do, get out of her infidelity.

They have a VERY active sex life!!! During your WW's A, did she ever deny you sex? Did you at some days get sloppy seconds? It will take a strong person to get over this betrayal. I wish you luck!

She offered to give me the house and our 20 acres of land that abuts a state forest outside of any divorce agreement if I would come home and try to make our marriage work.

If she isn't willing to put it into writing it is a non-offer.

See an attorney like yesterday. Ask him if there are ways to do so legally. Ask him to draw up a formal separation agreement

I think you shouldn't stop as the above as a list of demands. She clearly is getting desperate and that will only get worse the more days you stay away.

FWIW- You are too early in this to make any rational decisions. I'd give the NC more time. One day and she reaches out to you ? Give her time to let her shock wear off and see where her real motivations lie. Anyone can "pretend" for awhile. Keeping that up for a long time is hard to do without slipping up here and there.

You asked questions. She answered. Keep asking questions you want answers to. Make no decisions yet, but research each of them to figure out what they would look like.

As others have mentioned, that's a whole lot of sex. I think she is minimizing when she tries to chalk up to a "mid-life crisis."

That is a second, private marriage, conducted unilaterally outside of your marriage. It is quite likely you got sloppy seconds, and/or she decided not to have sex with you in order to save her sexual desire for the POSOM. Clearly she put more energy and brio into sex with him than with you. It only ended because it was discovered. Otherwise, it would likely still be ongoing.

It is likely you could wrestle your whole life with feelings of sexual humiliation and emasculation -- the sense of being her sexual Plan B.

Many men would choose to D under those facts. I would, without hesitation. That would be a rational decision.I think it's relevant that this offer is only coming after she lost her job, her "first choice" lover, and her kids hate her. At this point, you are all she has. Is she begging you to return because she genuinely wants you, or simply because she has no alternative?

If, despite the awful facts, you are even remotely considering her offer, be sure and check with your lawyer ASAP about a post-nuptial agreement. In some states, these are enforceable. In other states not. If a post-nup is not enforceable in your state, then her offer is meaningless.

I'd suggest both of you get tested for STD's.

I'd suggest also you reach out to the BOW to see if she can confirm that your WW and the POSOM are NC.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:59 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)]

One time or one thousand. For some here it is a deal breaker. Others heal from infidelity. I do not have a scale for betrayal. After a 30 plus year marriage the choice is yours.

If you are contemplating pursuing reconciliation I feel you should protect yourself.

Please see an attorney to draw up the paperwork as soon as feasible. If such an agreement is not legal in your jurisdiction then find out what divorce would look like for you. You should take steps to protect yourself during any type of prolonged separation so that assets cannot be disposed of or credit misused.

I see no reason to give resources in reward of her infidelity if you do not have to.

If you are done, divorce is a natural consequence of adultery.

Please protect yourself if you are contemplating reconciliation. You do not know if she is capable of transforming herself into a safe spouse that is worthy of your love, helping you heal, and rebuilding the marriage.

The choice to pursue reconciliation or not is yours. Some are successful at it while others are not.

We will be with you on your journey out of infidelity.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 2:43 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)]

SCP

Sounds like she’s being honest. Is willing to answer all your questions.

My thought is, if it were me, I’d tell her to have a lawyer write up a contract on the house and land and when she has it, and it doesn’t preclude D, that you’ll come home and see where things go.

While I know that life, as time goes on, changes the thrilling to the mundane, you might point out to her that the choice she made to spice up her existence was the worst possible decision she could make if she didn’t want to hurt the person she loved and destroy her marriage.

Tell me SCP, did she ever ask you to drive to her work parking lot, park in the back corner, and offer to give you a blowjob or fuck your brains out? If you want high stakes thrills, why not ask to do it with the man you love. You never had the chance to say NO!

And if you did say no, then she could have told you that it was a deal breaker for her, that she needed it, and if you weren’t willing she’d find it elsewhere.

She never allowed you to make the decision yourself, she made it for you and benefitted the OM instead of the man she claims to love.

I think that’s the hardest part for me. Tough to get past.

So at this point I probably would take her up on her offer if she’s serious. Ask her how she sees it working. Tell her she doesn’t get sight of you at home until you see the paperwork.

Then, once it’s done, go home and see if you can make things work. And WORK is what it will take, from both of you. Hard work. Tell her if she’s not up for that, then she might as well just get the complete divorce written up. Because a betrayal like hers will take years to rebuild from. And it won’t be like it was before. It will be different. Parts better, parts worse.

But if you love her, and she’s willing to submit to your demands, then why not at least give it a try. You can always D later.

I’ve sent you a PM with some helpful requirements for attempting R. Hopefully you can find them.

I wish you luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:50 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)]

She is in panic mode. She doesn't know what she wants but she has a lot of things to change before she is a good partner. She can't change from her affair to your loving wife in a matter of days or weeks.

Ask her why she wants to save the marriage? Don't accept "I love you" and answer.

Take time. She needs to win you back. Prove that after fucking another dude for 2 years she is worth staying married to.

Don't agree to anything yet. Talk to your brother, talk to your lawyer.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 3:00 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)]