Re: The pain would be the same. Fuck. That. Shit.
Thank you and thank god for saying that. I really thought I was losing my mind but then the entire world is upside down to me right now so I walk around thinking, "Wow, how have I gotten almost everything wrong? I must really be effed up that I don't see it that way." It has really messed with my mind and I'm honestly dumbstruck anyone believes that crap.
I equate it to the death question - "would you rather die quietly in your sleep or tortured slowly while being restrained, fingers cut off one at a time, then your toes, feet, hands, arms, legs before you were finally and mercifully killed....while your children watched?" Seriously, I see it that black and white. Hmmmm, let me think about that one for a minute because the choice is a tough one.
I get it...people are gonna hurt when asked for a divorce because we just do. Some will take it better than others, some will deal with the children well and, if able to remain civil, cooperative and supportive for the children, life lessons can be taught in dealing with and overcoming adversity. It doesn't have to be a total war zone and trauma room.
Don't for a second think in the case of "to affair or not affair" that the ends justify the means if both roads lead to pain, some suffering and eventual D. What a load of wayward crap if I've read, heard or seen any before.
Thank you, Womenz. I needed to know I wasn't the crazy one.
On to other thoughts...
Scooby, I'm high-fiving you right now for your solo trip. It's where I want to get but my first foray into solo travel didn't end up so well. I was just miserable and I was in the Costa del Sol of Spain! Far too soon for me, I had crap for weather, I was a wreck still, really, so I was a #solotravelerfail, sorry to say. I hope to start enjoying the experience you had and will promise to plan a new trip soon.
Random 3am mind-f$%k thoughts...
Have now been telling family, friends, co-workers the state of my M and the path I'm on. Shock doesn't begin to describe the reaction from most people, mostly I think because we are so far away and people are unaware of the situation. Yesterday was speaking to a friend on the phone. They are a couples friend of ours back in the US and I was speaking to the wife. She was shocked, sad and her husband could hear so asked what's going on and she tells him, while on the phone with me. He takes phone from her and is equally shocked, hears me out for a while, getting more shocked, even though I keep it simple - "A with neighbor...dealbreaker for me, etc."
He spends the next 5-10 minutes telling me how in his conversations with WH, WH was obviously smitten with me. He would convey how proud he was of me, loved my strength, my intelligence, my ability to thrive as a mother, employee, blah blah blah. Friend said it was constant with WH to the point guys would literally say, "we know, we know, you love Speedbump!" So he was just shocked. But not as shocked as I was and am.
I would have killed to know WH ever spoke of me like that, ever really thought of me in those ways, and was able to convey such love for me to others. Why not to me? Why did I always feel a bit unsteady in his love for me? Not really good enough? Not comfortable asking for the affection I craved? Why would I hold on to every little, yet few and far between, displays of affection from him and silently wish for more, yet never feel comfortable asking for it? Why couldn't he say those things to me?
I believe in leading by example so I was always generous to him about my feelings for him - loved his work, was proud of his abilities, totally trusted is decision-making for all things related to construction, etc, in our home life. Told him often how handsome I found him, lucky he was my guy, etc...all things that kind of make me uneasy now, under the circumstances. And yet, even when I left the opportunity open, he never took the chance to even say, "likewise, hon."
I know. I know. It's me and my broken self to fix. It's not about him and I know this. But still I just wish, just once...
[This message edited by SpeedBump at 4:04 AM, August 19th (Monday)]