SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WW regularly tells me at the moment, particularly if I've been having a tough day, "You'll never leave me - I'm confident of that"...

I'm not sure if it's total ignorance on her part, or if she is so convinced she has/had free reign to shit on me from a big height, because I'm so blinded by love for her there would never be any serious consequence

This is why I posed the question in the first place. I counted eight members whose WS indicated their infidelity factored their BS's likeliness to reconcile.I also counted 5 others who's WS inferred their thoughts leaned towards the BS staying. These are damning revelations, in that it makes the infidelity more premeditated and calculating than it already was. This is merely a unscientific observation of course, but interesting nonetheless.

My WW regularly tells me at the moment, particularly if I've been having a tough day, "You'll never leave me - I'm confident of that"...

I'm not sure if it's total ignorance on her part, or if she is so convinced she has/had free reign to shit on me from a big height, because I'm so blinded by love for her there would never be any serious consequence

BCD1 - What's the status of your situation. Sounds like it's still happening?

I am in my late 60s. I have never cheated nor have I been an OW during my single days. Nor will I EVER be a cheater. It's not in my DNA.

But I also know that my current non cheating (8 years) DH would forgive me in an instant if I cheated. He had two wives before me that cheated that he forgave (stupid decisions on his part).

But even with that knowledge and lots of men who find me attractive even in my advanced age I have ZERO desire to cheat.

I know that my DH would reconcile if I cheated - but I will NEVER cheat on him because that's not who I am.

I never thought you would find out is a terrible statement BTW. It avoids the reasons why they allowed themselves permission to choose to have an A. It is irrelevant to the behavior being wrong in the first place. Sure I could steal if I don't get caught it doesn't make it right or make me a better person. I still did something out of character for me.

My H had the nerve to ask me how I would define the word integrity. I gave him "that look" and told him that he didn't want me to answer that right now (it was a few months post DDay). He told me to go ahead, and I said that integrity is the opppsite of what you have been doing. It is doing the right thing even when no one is looking.

My WH actually said he needed to make sure that I was what he wanted. Lolololol the idiot married me you would think that would count

Mine banked on me R'ing with him. He gave me False R and then when we separated he said he didn't think I would ever leave him

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:52 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

My FWH knew I would divorce him after the EA.. I told him point blank but I didn’t. He assumed I would and begged me to stay and broke it off immediately.

He also thought he would never get caught. I was involved in our DD sports and school. But I did notice he was off. And suddenly full of confidence even he had been laidoff 2 months prior.

Root ... don’t let BPD be your excuse!!!! You knew exactly what you were doing just like all the Waywards here. I understand mental health issues but you cannot hide behind them. Many Waywards here did stupid risky things during the affair.

Jorge glad you dumped her. I was dating my hs sweetheart in college and he cheated with a girl a grade younger from the same HS. I was embarrassed because everyone else knew including his parents. He went away to college while I was in town. After that I dropped him.. he begged me. I went back for a month and realized nope!! It’s a done deal and I was soooo glad. He would come back every couple of years telling me what a mistake he made.. I never responded. He was a control freak so I’m not sure if he’s kept tabs on me. I found him in my studio in grad school. It was very bizarre. It’s funny or odd that he showed up during my fWH affair. I often thought..did you put the ow up to this .. anyway glad you avoided that mess

Not sure what my WH thought about whether or not I’d reconcile with him. He did tell me he thought I wouldn’t ever find out and if I did, he thought I wouldn’t care. That’s a bunch of shit, isn’t it?!!

I seldom post about this because trigger city. It ends up ruining my night.

But my RA partner (an old, close relationship) would say, "My W can't find out." But I brought it up frequently, said I felt shitty, said I didn't understand why we would do something horrible like this. I was constantly in turmoil. And he would get irritated, angry. I was apparently bursting a fantasy bubble that he did NOT want bursted.

It is compartmentalizing. But no amount of truth talk will break the compartmentalizing they want to have. Why? Because it allows the unallowable. I lost a lot of respect for someone I had many fond memories and feelings for. He should have felt horrible, or at least felt horrible that he didn't feel horrible.

I hated the A. I hated every minute of it. I ended things and sought IC. I wanted out of the worst moral and ethical pain of my life; the shame was suffocating. He couldn't really understand, and I hated him for that. Still do.

W said on d-day, IIRC, that she always expected me to accept her back until the last few days (maybe hours) before she revealed her A.

When she did reveal it, she knew I might dump her.

I believe that in a large number of WSes, something snaps in their heads, and they stop thinking with normal rationality, though they don't realize it. It's not evil or stupid; it's an altered state of consciousness.

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:24 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

My WH says he thought I would leave him as soon as I learned of any of it, but decided having a full blown physical affair was something he wanted anyways. In fact he uses his fear as an excuse for elevating his affair to the level he did and the frequency. As he claims he feared AP would tell me if he had broken it off, even though she never said anything even close to that. I believe he thought I’d never find out, though he claims he just hadn’t worked out how to end it. I had to catch him in the act for it to stop and nearly walked out that day. The fact I stayed surprises even me as I feel an affair of his nature and magnitude should have been an automatic dealbreaker.

I really feel like my WW just assumes that I'm here as a fallback, while she sees if she can reel in someone more exciting. Just found out about a third sexting incident that I hadn't found out about. She swears she thought I knew about it.

Anyway, according to her "I'm the best guy" she knows. I don't think she wants the "best guy". I think she wants a wild, fun guy but loves having me for security if that doesn't work out.

Having four kids in the mix really complicates my decision. If we get divorced, not only do I shatter their relative stability, I risk having her bring home all manner of detrimental influence.

My x husband didn’t think I’d leave him. His words “ I didn’t think you’d had a breaking point “

Current wayward spouse.. him and his married whore had been carring on the A for so long he didn’t think he’d get caught.

I replied earlier in this thread but had a little more to add.

I finally found out about the LTA 7 years after it was over. It was over because we moved 3 hours away where my WW set up a new field office and supervised all of the field staff in the north half of Alberta. We bought a ranch and developing that was my retirement project according to the plans and goals we had in place for years.

WW moved away from him (she had supervised him) without a backwards glance or cutting it off with him. She continued to have contact with him about work. He finally phoned after several months and asked if it was over. She told him it was.

After he found out they were done he worked on a couple of files of mine associated with the ranch and declined them. I appealed and got the full benefits for which I had applied. After DDay I went after the company for conflict of interest violations a couple of times but it went no where. I expect their lawyers said to admit nothing.

During the 4 years of adultery my WW had threatened her AP with what she would do to him if he ever leaked what they were doing. That's true love, right there. We can fuck but if you ever tell anyone we're fucking you'll be in big trouble.

WW was going to take it to the grave. I would never know. She knew I had said I would divorce but I would never find out. I think as the years past and I built a commercial ranch from the modest sized one we had while I was working professionally. We wouldn't need to reconcile because I would never know.

The thing is that could have been true. As time passed I think she felt there was even less chance of me finding out. It was her behavior that kept me digging. Had she changed her behaviour so there was closeness instead of distance, meeting my needs and love languages which I was transparent about she would have gotten away with it.

Considering my XWW had an Exit affair and has had zero remorse I think she was fully aware of what she was doing and enjoyed seeing me in pain. On Dday she rolled her eyes, laughed at me at my weakest point, and told me I was pathetic. I begged her to stay (pick me dance). She said “You need to change if I’m gonna give you another chance”. And proceeded to list out all the things I did wrong.

I look back at this event now (16 months later) and I’m so embarrassed with myself. I was so co-dependent on her. But we all make mistakes right? I now see my XWW was extremely toxic to me and my happiness in life. She disrespected me and continued to throw it in my face. I’m much stronger and wiser now. And I’m much happier than I’ve ever been.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 8:32 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

I read about my WH's infidelities in a journal he had from rehab. He wrote that he lied and never told me because if he had, he'd have lost the marriage. So he expected it to be over if I ever found out. But somehow it was worth doing anyway. We're both surprised that I'm still here. My RA shocked him to his core the most because he didn't think I could do that. Well, that makes two of us. I didn't think either of us could do that.

WH thought he was so smart, so good at everything in life, I would never know....out of state travel helped in this situation...

IF I did somehow find out, he believed that I was trapped...and would have to get over it....

he was wrong on all counts....

he was not so smart after all....

Sadly, he believes if he never admits anything, then I cant really know...wrong again.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:51 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

hikingout explained it really well. It wasn’t calculated like that. I just didn’t think about it because thinking about it would cause me to feel things I didn’t want to.

When my BH confronted me I totally expected him to divorce me. For the first year or so after DDay I just assumed he would. I was surprised and grateful that he didn’t. At this point I don’t think he will, but I wouldn’t be completely shocked if he did.

T/j

Hi MrsWalloped. Nice to see you and I hope you are well.

End t/j.

Root ... don’t let BPD be your excuse!!!! You knew exactly what you were doing just like all the Waywards here. I understand mental health issues but you cannot hide behind them. Many Waywards here did stupid risky things during the affair.

You're right. I was selfish and only cared about myself.

[This message edited by Root at 10:23 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

No matter how you slice it, I guess the attitude a WS has is ridiculously insulting:

"I never thought you'd find out" says they could do this to you behind your back and be ok with that.

"I knew you'd never divorce me" means the WS takes you for granted and really doesn't have respect because they don't believe you have boundaries.

"I was positive you would divorce me" says it was worth that gamble? Or it was an exit A?

There is NO WS thought pattern that does not totally hurt and insult the BS.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:22 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]