SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

agree with hikingout, my WW never thought she would get caught.

bdc said:

My WW regularly tells me at the moment, particularly if I've been having a tough day, "You'll never leave me - I'm confident of that"...

I'm not sure if it's total ignorance on her part, or if she is so convinced she has/had free reign to shit on me from a big height, because I'm so blinded by love for her there would never be any serious consequence

Gently, it appears that she is right. You know that she's still in the A. She has lied, minimized and gaslighted you ever since D-day. She's not transparent with you, and OM left his wife and moved very close to you.

So....you tell me...is she right that you'll never leave her?

My WW came to me one evening after having travelled and stayed overnight with a COW she supervised. She said this COW's wife had left him because she caught him committing adultery with a woman one time. She then asked me what I would do and I said divorce. She thought that was pretty harsh for just one time. I said that's what I would do and left it there.

Turns out she had already been cheating with him before his BW left him. It wasn't just one time. It was multitudes over 4 years all over the province on overnight trips for work, interesting public locations and in his empty house 5 minutes for work for nooners and quickies after work on her way home to me.

I don't know what she thought. She was very careful about not getting caught. She told her AP not to phone her on her cell because that's how his wife had caught him. She intended to take it to her grave and enjoy the life I had mostly made happen for us through my planning for the rest of her life. I found out 7 years after the LTA was over. It seems to me that she thought if she just hung in there I'd get it out of my system and life could just go on. But I don't know that.

She dragged her feet about moving out. We are now separated and I've filed for D.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 6:53 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

While waywards slowly inch towards the line that should not be crossed, do they consciously or subconsciously count on BS reconciling with them, and therefor, more inclined to choose having an affair?

I think they're MORE inclined to believe that their BS will never find out so it won't be an issue for them.

My WW thought she would not get caught. When I did catch her she thought for sure it was over. So far it's not over but that option isn't off the table.

My WH did everything in his power to not get caught. It was such a fluke when he did. He knew I would I divorce. I think he thought he had control of the situation. It is a shock to both of us that I am still here.

My H said the same thing Ridingitout told me. He just thought that I would never find out. He "knew" (as did I) that I would leave. I surprised both of us by not leaving.

My WH thought he was leaving, then decided to end his A and work on the marriage. He never planned on me finding out.

He was suprised I stayed. That makes 2 of us....

[This message edited by doigoordoistay at 10:05 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

My W EA/PA was short in duration and 3 years past before I figured it out.

We've talked a lot about it. She believed she would not get caught. The 3 years gave her a heck of a long time time to create lies she told herself and somehow she convinced herself that I would never leave her and I had or would likely cheat on her in the future. I have to admit I was struggling with our M when Dday hit. It was a very real possibility.

On Dday I told her I wanted a D. She was shocked that I would "leave her and my kids." She had played it out in her head so many times the way she wanted ti to go she started to believe that was what would happen. She couldn't believe me at first. I remember looking at her and said, "Are you fucking crazy? Do you know me at all?" Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, KWIM ?

I never thought you would find out is a terrible statement BTW. It avoids the reasons why they allowed themselves permission to choose to have an A. It is irrelevant to the behavior being wrong in the first place. Sure I could steal if I don't get caught it doesn't make it right or make me a better person. I still did something out of character for me.

Sorry had a mini-trigger there.

XWH: “well you were never going to find out so it wasn’t hurting you.”

Me: “but I did find out. Did you really think I’d accept this?”

XWH: “I know you. You’d do anything for me and the kids. You don’t want to break up our family.”

Me: “I’m not the one who broke up our family. That was all you.”

I never thought you would find out is a terrible statement BTW. It avoids the reasons why they allowed themselves permission to choose to have an A. It is irrelevant to the behavior being wrong in the first place. Sure I could steal if I don't get caught it doesn't make it right or make me a better person. I still did something out of character for me.

I agree, it is a horrible thing to say. And, I think it would be even worse in your situation where she didn't tell you for 3 years. How did you find out btw?

But, the question really is at the root of "what were you thinking going into the affair, and did you weigh these consequences"

My answer is no, I didn't weigh anything. And, it's sounding like to me that's the root of most waywards story. If I had really felt the gravity of what I was going to lose, what this was going to do, I would have reconsidered my actions and would not gone through with any of it.

What allows us to move forward with everything on the line is not thinking about that at all. Dismissive thinking of they won't ever know about it, and then adding a layer of denial and lies to one's self. Jorge's question sounded very logical and rational and it's the opposite of where you are when you enter an affair, and as the affair progresses it's even worse because there has been even more layers of lies and denial internally. Pushing down any thought or feeling that makes your little fantasy world less fantastical.

It's a separate issue as to what you bet the reaction would be. For me, this was pushed aside, it was all handled. After the A, and before confessing, I knew pretty clearly what was going to bother my husband the most. I imagine that many waywards still think on DDAY that they will be forgiven as they haven't faced up to anything real yet. There was about a 8-9 week gap before I told so I think my expectations were more realistic than someone suddenly caught because I had already processed a lot of my denial and story telling with my IC. I am a little surprised after 3 years someone wouldn't have gotten to that point of knowing the marriage could be over. Though, I suppose by then the A is long over for them and they feel so much has happened since then that they imagine you feel as strongly as they do about keeping it intact? I don't know, but I can see why this triggered you, I am sorry that it has.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:55 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

I think a lot of people convince themselves that the other party is so loving or devoted that they can talk their way out of it if caught.

When I first found out, I told my wife we were done and I wanted a divorce. I told her I would write up an agreement which would be fair and more than generous to her and better than she would ever get in court. I also said that if she didn't sign it immediately and fight me, I would make sure we would lose everything and I didn't care if I wound up living in a box on the street. I later found out she called up her niece crying saying that she couldn't believe I wanted a divorce. Needless to say we worked it out and are still together. But I think that is why today she still is afraid I am going to walk out on her.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 1:28 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

t/j

@ hiking out. technology makes it easier to cheat, but it also makes easier to get caught.

I had found enough to be worried. I confronted and she slowly confessed to a ONS. Later I found it had been a mostly online EA and PA (ONS). After the ONS it fizzled out. When she met him in person the fantasy was shattered. He was nothing like he was online in person. Or so she said.

No worries about the triggers. I am masterful at recovering from them by now.

End t/j

Knowing my husband's personality and based on our conversations, I really don't think he spent much time worrying about the consequences. Oddly, he did have difficulty with lying, and he confessed (to a whitewashed EA) rather than continue lying.

Two weeks later I found evidence that it was a PA. The next night, after I hadn't kicked him out, he confessed that he just had put a house around the block under contract. He thought we would be over when I found out. He was very relieved when we weren't.

I'm always looking down the road, calculating the risks, predicting the future. He's my opposite in this regard. In general, we complement each other, but when it comes to infidelity, argh.

Yeah, my FWH didn't think he was going to be found out, so it wasn't really an issue. He was sure I would divorce him if I did find out, but it wasn't a risk because I wasn't going to find out. And, I didn't find out about the LTA until 6 years after it had ended.

He was actually quite shocked, and grateful, that I was even giving him a chance at reconciliation.

My husband was caught within 18 hours. I'm sure his pride blinded him in that moment, thinking he could keep his secret - it would have killed him emotionally to keep it though, no doubt.

He's been shocked that I've stayed. He was fully expecting me to take the kids and leave. He's still having nightmares about me leaving. We're only 2 months in our healing, but I have no intention of leaving.

I really don't think my Ex was thinking at the time of the affair that she would be caught. She is not stupid, so on some level she must have thought about the ramifications though. Especially if I ever found out all of the details which I did.

I think after she was caught she didn't know exactly what to think. We had a long history so she probably thought that would help her case, but I was so unpredictable to the point of just not coming home for a few days without calling so she had no clue if I left for a few days or for good.

The day I think it really hit her was when I canceled a trip really of a lifetime for our 25th. Bali, first class air, hotels on stilts right on the water. The whole deal. Both her and our MC begged me to use this as a point to reconnect. Screw that. Why would I reward her for what she did? I took the opportunity to salvage a little money in deposits I got back. But to her that was the real turning point that nothing going forward was going to be the same.

We buried everything for 5 years, so I think she thought she might have been out of the woods, but when I asked for a separation, kind of out of the blue to her, I think what she was expecting deep down from day one happened. She told me she was always waiting for the shoe to drop.

But even right up until we signed the papers, I think she really thought it somehow would be ok.

I never thought you would find out is a terrible statement BTW.

Interestingly, I got the opposite of that. My wife told me she was surprised I didn't find out sooner and I was an idiot for not knowing, because I had access to her social media and everything. In my mind I processed that as I was an idiot for trusting her, which I guess is true. I never saw anything in her social media that explicitly pointed to an affair until D-Day itself, though. And at that point, it was undeniable.

It really goes to show the respect she has for me, too, which is to say, little to none. :(

I was scared she was going to divorce me, and did not assume that she would stay. I didn't weigh the consequences and there was no logical or rational thought. I allowed my brain to check out. I am humbled and thankful she is still here trying, and my heart aches at her struggle. We are still early in R and I'm not sure what will happen, but I'm not trying to control the outcome anymore.

She has lost respect in me. Originally, I had wanted to end the A and tell my BS in my own time to try and salvage our relationship but I was too cowardly to end it as I feared the AP would tell my BS. She had to catch me, creating a further rift and mental movie to overcome in R.

I agree with hikingout on the compartmentalization; the logic is flawed at best, and based on the false premises and lies we tell ourselves to rationalize. Compartments are only created when there is a fundamental incompatibility between them. I'm sickened by the lies I told her in pushing everything to the back of the compartment.

[This message edited by 18lights at 5:22 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]