SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice that would be helpful for you, but I just wanted to add my voice to the others in saying how much my heart goes out to you as you go through this nightmare.

Reconcile or divorce - that's a call only you can make, but I agree that either choice should only come after you've had time to reflect, gather information (a lawyer, etc) and get just a little bit of distance from this.

I will just say - don't let her convince you to rugsweep it just because OM isn't living anymore, and don't let her control how this goes down from here on out. She's had ALL the control for the past 8 years, and that has to end now. The decisions are yours to make now, not hers, no matter how much she cries over how bad she feels at being outed as a liar and a cheater.

She betrayed you, a woman who was apparently her friend (OM's wife) AND her daughter, too. She lied to everyone, and was quite content to have happily lived out her little drama and then let it be buried with OM. I wish you all the strength in the world, and best of luck to you.

If you'd like, it is possible to see when the files were last accessed. I could help you with that if you feel it's at all helpful.

You did really well. That was a really good confrontation. I commend you for keeping it together. You are now in a position of strength, which is exactly where you need to be. Mind you, I doubt that you actually FEEL like you're strong. I expect that your emotions are all over the place and you feel like you're barely hanging on by your fingernails. That's normal. Absolutely normal. You're going to feel like this for a long time, no matter if you reconcile your marriage or not.

Again. Keep this site as a safe place for you until and unless your WW can show you, through her actions over a long course of time, that she can be a safe partner for you.

I would like to suggest that you google the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." There is also a free PDF file that you can download, but I personally like having the book in my hands to go through. While it is an excellent primer meant for your WW, you should read it as well. It will tell you that everything that you're going through right now, is absolutely normal. Your feelings, your emotions, your thoughts of being crazy, your disorientation all normal. It will give you an idea of what the next several months + are going to look like. And also what a remorseful WW looks like vice a regretful one. The first is all about doing whatever it takes to help heal the betrayed partner. The last is all about how horrible it is that the wayward got caught and now has to face the music.

I know that it doesn't feel like it, but you are doing very well. See that lawyer and find out what divorce would look like for you. Gather the information that you need to make an informed decision, but don't feel that you HAVE to make a decision right this very instant. You have time. No matter what you do, it will take time. The only decision that you absolutely should make, is that you will not live in infidelity. Once that decision is made, all other decisions can flow from there.

Keep posting for support, too.

I am so glad you recognize your daughter is still your daughter regardless of paternity. What a lucky girl to have you as her father.

Reconciliation is definitely possible with a spouse who is ready to work hard and do “the work”.

It’s the doing the work that shows IF she is even a candidate for R (reconciliation) or not. Words are cheap. Watch her actions.

The basics include: complete transparency of everything. Passwords, GPS locations, handing over her phone on a whim, getting rid of friends who are toxic to the marriage. Individual counseling for her to discover why she chose to use infidelity as a coping strategy for her issues. She needs to NEVER try and put any of the blame on you or try and rugsweep the situation. she should tell the her parents etc. Owning what she has done is a huge step in recovery. If she is not willing to do any of the basics above take it as a red flag.

My H had sex with 4 other women (OW) and I stayed. But I only stayed because over the last 3 years he has done “the work” and it was been hands down the hardest three years of our 24 year marriage. But every single day he does the work to prove to me that he was worth the effort to stay.

Please know in advance that some days you will desperately want to stay and other days you will be just as desperate to divorce. That is what is called the roller coaster. From minute to minute during the early days you will be changing your mind. That is normal. On this website they say it takes 2-5 years to work through this and start to feel a little portion of your old self. You will get through this but it is imperative to know there are no shortcuts through this hell.

Mind movies and PTSD and triggers are all normal. Please find yourself a counselor who is trained in infidelity. That resource will be invaluable. You will experience all the stages of grief and they won’t be linear. It’s all part of the roller coaster.

Right now lay down the terms of what you expect in your marriage. Reconciliation (should you choose to offer it) is a GIFT and it comes at a terrible price to The betrayed spouse (BS). IF your wife truly wants the marriage to work she will do everything you ask. Again if she doesn’t that is a GIANT red flag. My dday was Oct 2014 and every minute since then my H has spent proving to me he is safe. Even 3 years out if I ask for his phone he hands it right over without hesitation. He calls me if he is running late and will FaceTime me to prove he is where he says he is. He Is humble and understands his actions have cost him my trust and He knows it will taken years before it comes back and it will never come will never be blind trust again.

But I can tell you I am happy I stayed. My husband has told our oldest 3 kids and we will tell the younger ones in time. But even now when he does everything that he should do I struggle and cry etc. it’s part of the grieving process. I was so happily married prior to dday. I would have never thought this was possible. What you will learn over time is that infidelity is a coping strategy. You will naturally feel like it is a reflection that you weren’t enough but it isn’t about you. It’s about your wife being broken and coping with attention from this man. —it will be imperative for her to write a timeline and make sure there have not been more than one A. My H initially lied and said nothing physical happened When I discovered his sexting emails. However later that night “nothing physical” was later confessed to “I had sex with four other women.” So make sure there are no other A’s in the past.

Keep posting and hug that daughter of yours for all of us!

Hope

I'm so sorry this happened.

I'm going to be the lone dissenter here. I think you should divorce your WW. There is no way you are going to get over this. Getting pregnant during an affair and then having your husband raise another man's child, to me, is the height of evil and selfishness.

Please don't try to defend your WW on this. She was more than happy to allow you to keep living a lie for the rest of your life, and to foot the bill for a child that was not yours. What kind of sick human being does that?

I think you are a good man for taking the responsibility to love and care for this girl. She is you daughter and you are her dad...but at some point she is going to know something isn't right.

I think the two of you need to sit her down and tell her straight up what happened, and that you will need her to submit to a DNA test. If you don't, and she finds out she's someone else's daughter later on, God help you.

I was wondering something. Were you trying to get pregnant with your daughter or was it a surprise? I'm just thinking, did she actually plan to get pregnant from the other guy?

Impressed with how you’re dealing with your current situation. Just going to leave you with a quote.

“I always find myself wondering how someone who embarks on an affair has "low-self-esteem". I think saying it is a cop-out, and that the problem really is the opposite. I mean, you may have wanted more validation. But the real problem is that you FELT ENTITLED to go do what you did--step outside your marriage--to get that validation. You felt deep down that you personally deserved to have MORE than you really did deserve to have--OM as well as your marriage to get your ego kibbles, the hell with your husband and the vows you took and his feelings.“

I don’t think reconciliation is stupid. I don’t think divorce is stupid.

You need to be authentic to yourself and your priorities. If it’s been a Dad everyday....this may be your 80% reason to reconcile. You have been happy in your marriage. There is another 15%. Financial another 5%.

Don’t make promises of reconciling. You need all of your facts.

As a woman, and a BS. I don’t like her reaction. She was defensive and has never worked through her justification. She blames you. I don’t know how she has managed to allow herself to keep the true knowledge of your daughter to herself.

I want you to read Ambivalent One’s thread. Look for the confrontation with his wife. Evaluate the difference. His wife is and has remorse. She worked through her affair issues.

Your wife never has. This bothers me.

either choice should only come after you've had time to reflect, gather information (a lawyer, etc) and get just a little bit of distance from this...

...and you have a chance to heal some...

Since WW pretty much admits the DD is the dead OM child, what are the implications of that if there is a divorce (not likely from the way OP is leaning I think).

Although he raised her for 8 years, she is not his biological child and would he need to adopt her? Does he have de facto parental rights? Could WW pack it up and move to Kansas or France without any input form OP?

Your feelings will change over and over for awhile.

Take as much time as you need before doing anything.

It might be a great idea to get away by yourself for a vacation, etc to help clear your mind.

Upfront you never get the full picture. The reality is your life has changed and will never be quite the same no matter what.

The gift of infidelity never completely goes away.

Sorry for you.

Good luck

[This message edited by Marz at 7:30 PM, February 2nd (Friday)]

I said you must have loved him then. She said no, she cared for him but it wasn't love.

You don't let a man get you pregnant and just "care for him".

All cheaters lie, hide and deny.

She's trying to minimize.

Sorry man but you need the full truth. I think you know it though.

Big hugs to you. I am really sorry this is happening to you.

Get some distance from this before you make any major decisions.

It may not matter to you but I think by how you mentioned it, that it might - GET A PATERNITY TEST. That doesn't mean you don't love the child you've raised and that you don't continue raising it but I think you need to get a Paternity test for clarity. If only to HELP YOU DECIDE what you need to do in regards to your marriage and how to work with your family. There are many other reasons why a paternity test would make sense here but there is no need to get into that now.

Contront her on your terms and when you are ready. Make sure you take your evidence and place it somewhere, where it cannot be tampered with or destroyed.

Talk to a lawyer and start seeking counseling. Even if you don't confront her for days or weeks.

she let the OM impregnate her, rub and kiss her belly, hold & cuddle their baby. He was acting like & she was treating him like the proud expectant dad to be.

Having another man’s child is the most caring gift a woman can give a man. They were celebrating that she was pregnant with his child in the kissing photo.

You don’t keep letters and photos of things you’re ashamed of. You keep photos of your vacation because you want to relive the experience. You keep photos of your kid’s first day of school because it was an important event in your life and theirs.

She loved him. she is lying to you. she kept the information. It was her shrine to him.

Read these posts a few times and internalize them. They are the truth.

Please, resist the knee jerk urge to R right away. Get some distance. Do not let her manipulate you with tears and sex.

What she did is disgusting. This is not something that some IC, a little hot yoga, and a Flinstones chewable is going to fix.

Possible that she saved the stuff with the thought that some day when her daughter was older she would tell her the truth about her father & share some of the less racy stuff.

And I don't know about everywhere, but here if a woman is married & has a baby the baby is her husband's legal child. That's why I have the last name I do. My mother checked with a lawyer to see what I should be named. That's what she told me when I asked her about my parentage when I was about 24. She didn't know I knew her husband wasn't my father (she divorced some time after my birth).

I found out by hearing a conversation between my mom & older sister when they thought I was asleep. I was about 10. Nobody mentioned a damn thing to me until I asked. If she is not biologically yours, she should be told the truth when old enough. Everyone should be respected enough to be told the truth about their ancestry.

I would definitely prepare for the day that she decides to do Ancestry DNA, or another test like that, because they're so common now, and inexpensive.

Mharris

The above is correct. One day your daughter will find out.

A friend of mine is in his 60’s and always knew he was adopted. He recently submitted his DNA to Ancestry to find out his ethnicity. He also found his bio mom. It turns out that his mom had an affair while her husband was away in the Korean War. She went on to have five kids with her husband. Her husband who had passed away and her other kids didn’t know about my friend.

I also know of someone whose grandfather was an Italian POW in England in WW II. They did the ancestry DNA too and found out that they have a cousin In England that looks like their grandfather.

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:36 AM, February 3rd (Saturday)]

Still processing things. Everyone on here is right when they say it's a roller coaster. I feel ten different ways every minute. This site is great though. I'm reading and learning a lot here, and it feels good to hear from others who have gone through it, although as has been said,it's a club nobody wants to be in.

I saw a lawyer yesterday. He said I had a good case if I wanted to file for divorce. I know how to proceed if I decide to do so. As for DD, he said that in this state, I'm the legal father if I was married to W when D was born and I signed the birth certificate, which I did. He said it would take a paternity challenge from another party to put my parental rights in any jeopardy.

WW and I have talked a little today, but mostly I've kept to myself. She's still very remorseful, or seems so. I can't trust anything though at this early date. She says things like, "Just please tell me what you want me to do. I'll do it. I want to stay together and be with you the rest of my life, I love you" etc. I don't know. I told her transparency from now on is essential or there's no chance. I told her if I asked to see her phone or anything else I don't want an argument. She agreed. She's saying all the right things, but I realize that what she actually does from this day forward is all that counts. She agreed to counseling as well. I'm also going myself because I don't want to get stuck hard in this emotional turmoil I'm in now.

I've asked her what she was thinking through all this, how she justified each thing as it happened. She said she didn't have answers that would make any sense. She said OM showed her all this attention, listened to her, made her feel special and basically decided things in the relationship, what they would do or where they would go and everything, and she just got "caught up" in the romance and let it all happen. I said, "But you weren't some young teenage girl. You were a woman in her thirties with a son and a husband. You always acted like an adult in every other area of your life, why not this." She admitted that was true. I told her she was going to have to come up with better answers, and if couseling could help her face and admit why and take responsibility, was she willing, and she said yes.

She's been trying to be solicitous to me and asking what I'm thinking or feeling, but I'm just not ready to respond to anything like that. Before I forget, thanks to Skan for the book recommendation, and to hopeforthefuture94, your story gives me some hope that things might work out. I just don't know yet. Thanks to everyone else as well for the support, advice and info. It all helps me to see things a little clearer, as painful as it is.

I'm going to get a DNA test for DD just to be absolutely sure. I'm not proud of it, but I found myself staring at her today, to see if I could detect any features of the OM in her. But she looks so much like her mom I couldn't see anything, and besides, I don't like finding myself doing that. Our older son is a dead ringer for me, or I'd be suspicious there too. I hate what this is making me feel.

And yes, our daughter will have to be told someday. As someone said, If she ever had a medical condition,it'd be necessary information, plus she has a right to know. And our older son will find out at some point too. Christ, what a goddamn mess.

Again, I'm very thankful for everyone here. I'll keep you updated.

When was the last time she visited her shrine of him?

How could she lie to you for so long?

She loved the OM, she could not love you and treat you like this.

Has she been tested for stds? Has she read how to help your spouse heal from your affair?

She is still protecting the OM, ahead of you.

She did this because she wanted to and loved the OM. She is protecting his memory.

When is she going to tell his widow about his child? Will she sign the separation agreement now with favorable conditions to you?

So sorry.

Another nasty scenario to avoid is the possibility of unknowingly getting into a relationship with a 1st cousin or half sibling when she's older.

I made sure my kids were aware of my situation. Internet snooping allowed me to find lots of people too close to share parenthood with.

harrybrown, No, just no to telling the OBS about the child. The next person on the list to tell should be DD when she's old enough. Letting anyone else know before then is too much of a risk to her finding out from the outside. Yes, to telling the OBS about the affair.

((hugs)) I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Take care of yourself.