SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks, Wool94!

This is a tragedy.

You may love her, but she should face serious consequences--even if you opt for R.

You handled it like a pro.

See the lawyer asap.

Based on your comments, she knew that the drive still existed and where it was located. If so, this is inconsistent with regret or remorse.

There should be some consequences. If you decide to stay married, a post-nup (if allowed in your jurisdiction) that gives you a majority of property rights might be an idea. You need to show her that you respect yourself and are in-charge.

Sorry to hear about your situation 'dumbfounded74'.

If you choose to be benevolent and R with her, make sure she doesn't know that you're fully committed to R; everything should hinge on her behavior and commitment. Also, make sure she's the one that does ALL of the work. This is not your issue, it's hers. If she even hints at blaming you, like saying you weren't paying attention, etc., stop her. There is NEVER any valid excuse for cheating. Also, make her sign an iron-clad post-nuptial agreement in case you ever in the future decide to D her rear end for any reason. Take her name off of everything that you don't want to lose in a D proceeding. If anyone leaves, it's her. You keep possession of the home and children. Cleanse you home of anything related to her affair. Also, look out for you and your kids. You now know that your WW can't be trusted to make good decisions; don't forget it.

Stupid does not apply to situations like this.

The only advice I have is this. Do not reconcile if you aren't able to treat your daughter the same regardless of what a DNA test would say. No one would blame you for being "out" as her father after learning of this, but it either needs to be all out, or all in.

Please know that I don't think anyone here would think you're stupid. There are no easy or standard solutions to stuff like this. Life can be a real challenge sometimes.

Has your wife been a good wife all these years since it happened? Whenever an affair is long in the past I think it's important to consider that.

I know that conversation with your wife was extremely difficult.

You handled it extremely well. Proud of you!!!

You did GREAT

Just to translate a little cheaterspeak:

- He may have come onto her but it takes two to tango. She was flirting back. Guys don't take multiple efforts when shitting in their backyard like that (usually)

- She doesn't think that it's his, she knows. She saved pictures of him kissing her pregnant belly for Christ's Sake.

- It would still be going on if he didn't break it off or die.

------

Now to where you are. The name of the game for you is empowerment. Confrontation is GREAT way to start the empowerment train. Deciding on seperate bedrooms - GREAT! Your homework today is simple:

1. Contact one lawyer. Again, you're not getting divorced, you're filling out your internal knowledge set. Knowlege is power

2. EAT RIGHT. If you are not eating then go to the supermarket and buy some Muscle Milk or similar protein shake. Drink 100oz water a day. We have had more than one member of our community end up in the hospital due to poor nutrition during this time.

You did very well and I feel for you. It’s a very tough situation.

I hope you know that being a father is not just about DNA. It seems like you are a sensitive guy and know that love of a child and father goes beyond any genetics.

You and your W need to seek out individual therapists that Deal in infidelity. There is too much here that you cannot handle on your own.

People at this site can definitely help, but you need also to be working with professionals to find your way through this twisted situation.

And as BetrayednFl said, there will have to come a time that you tell your daughter. You will need support in doing that. It’s better to be honest with her and not let her find out 30 years down the road.

R or D will be up to you. Neither option is “stupid” as long as you don’t rugsweep Anything and do the hard work.

Take care and keep asking questions.

She said that she and I weren't having sex much at during that time. I snapped back with how I was at a rough point in my career then and I was dead tired every night.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is literally a tragedy as someone said. I just wanted to highlight this one statement and say something about it. If she starts this up again at any point I would make two points:

1. It is possible that you didn't have sex that much during this period because she was consciously or subconsciously trying to stay "faithful" to Dave. You are already taking the blame here because you were tired and stressed from work but that might not really explain it fully. If you think back you may remember avoidance behaviors from her. I know my WW did that. She'd go to bed early or pick a fight out of nowhere right at bed time. Things like that.

2. Talking about her "needs" like that is particularly upsetting. What is she? An animal that can't deal with her biological urges? Ridiculous.

I said you must have loved him then. She said no, she cared for him but it wasn't love.

dumbfounded74

The emails were passionate love letters between this guy and my wife.

Some were shot before she conceived, others while she was pregnant. In one he was kissing her baby bump.

dumbfounded74

I have similar letters between me and my wife. I also have similar photos when my wife was carrying my child. I guess that doesn’t prove that my wife loved me?

Having another man’s child is the most caring gift a woman can give a man. They were celebrating that she was pregnant with his child in the kissing photo. I don’t know how old your daughter was when Dave died but was he invited to events in your daughter’s life like her birthday?

How was your wife feeling when you were all excited taking your daughter home from the hospital? How did she feel when your parents were introduced to their new grandchild?

You don’t keep letters and photos of things you’re ashamed of. You keep photos of your vacation because you want to relive the experience. You keep photos of your kid’s first day of school because it was an important event in your life and theirs.

One thing that is consistent through this entire thing is that your wife went with the flow and did what was fun and best for her without considering anyone else. She did that until this very day and is still doing it. She wants to stay with you as if nothing happened.

If you want to R that’s great. You’re NOT stupid, but do it with your eyes open. Your wife is polishing a huge turd. Remove the polish and just admit that it’s a huge turd. Then you can rebuild your marriage.

As far as my daughter goes, I'm "all in", xhz700. I could never love her any less, no matter what a paternity test might show. She'll always be my little girl, no matter what.

Cincykid, you asked if my wife been a good wife all these years. Yes, I couldn't have complained. She was never cold or sarcastic or dismissive, and we always had fun together doing things we liked. Maybe that's not a good thing, I don't know. Maybe she does love me, but it could also mean it's very easy for her to put up a good front. There's a lot to work out.

Sharkman, you make good points. No matter what she might say, what I read and saw on those vids speak for themselves I won't forget that. As for me, I'm trying to stay hydrated and healthy. About the only time I drink alcohol is when I'm under a lot of stress, and last night would have been a great time to get drunk, but I resisted, and didn't have one drink. I don't want to start in the coming days, either, so I'm going to be extra careful about that and the rest of my health.

Thanks ot everyone else for the compliments on how I handled it. I did my best.

have you had her agree to write a timeline of the A?

Did she ever go to IC to see why she could do this to you? How would she feel about raising your son from another woman? she had her fun. When do you get your fun?

When you talk to the attorney have him write a separation agreement that could be used as a foundation for D. favorable to you.

She loved him. she is lying to you. she kept the information. It was her shrine to him. Has she been tested for stds?

have you had her call the OM's widow to tell her about the affair and her husband's child? get a DNA first. How could she keep this from you? She is a great liar and actress. She is cold hearted.

or has she told her parents?

when she finishes the timeline have her pay for a polygraph.

how many other times has she cheated in your relationship? Does she agree that this is her fault?

protect yourself and your kids.

Most people could not keep living with all these lies?

Has she ever told you the truth?

Amazing move not drinking last night!!!

I promise that when this is all "over" that there will be plenty of time to sit back and reward yourself with whatever you want to drink.

You're going to feel pretty low the next few days. No way around that. Look around you though... there are 50,000+ members here who are a testament that one can get through this.

Like you, I wouldn't feel any differently about either of my children if it turned out I wasn't their biological father. My love for them would never change. But man, for her to do that to you, that's LOW. It's bad enough to cheat on your spouse and lie for years. But to lead you to believe that she is your daughter when she in fact isn't (biologically, of course)... there's a special place in hell for people that do that kind of shit.

R if you want, but really ask yourself if it's worth it to be with somebody who would do that to you. Man... what a horrible person. I forgave my wife for her 2 month A... I couldn't forgive her lying about my children's parentage. She'd be out on her ass!

Unfortunately, someday your daughter will have to know. What if she needs something like a kidney, and then you're not a match because you're not her biological father? Like me, I know you'd rip your kidney right out of your body and slam it on the table for your children. This information will also be devastating to her, even though she'll still love you just the same as well.

dumbfounded,

Wow. What a terrible experience you're having to endure. I think you handled it excellently.

I don't think you're stupid to want to try and reconcile. But really consider what you're trying to work with. This person with whom you gave over such a sacred trust betrayed you in, honestly, one of the most insidious ways I've ever read of since I've been here on SI. Having someone else's love child and then subsequently lying to you for the next 8 years?

Take some time to really contemplate that. Could you ever trust her again? Of course she loved him. Why would she hold on to so many mementos if she didn't at least care greatly for him?

The advice you've received thus far has been fantastic. No one will judge you either way if you reconciled or divorced.

But she needs a ton of therapy to figure out how she could continually lie and betray you for so many years.

Therapy would do you a lot of good to untangle that web of lies.

Good luck. We've got your back. Again, you're handling this remarkably well. No one can prepare themselves for the nuclear bomb that is betrayal. And your experience ranks up there with the biggest bombs.

Strength to you, bro.

I think the tough part for me would be seeing those pictures of him holding your daughter (and she is your daughter) and him kissing her stomach, since it means your WW let him sort of play the daddy role as if she were happy he was the sperm donor. That would be tough for me to take.

I would try to reconcile however, if for no other reason that she seems to be a good wife now and I wouldn't want to give up seeing my daughter 50% of the time without at least trying. I have no idea whether I would make it long term though.

I would definitely recommend counseling, both individual and marital, with the goal being on your part to reconcile. One caveat: If she ever again said anything implying that it was in any way my fault, like she did during the confrontation, that would be it for me.

So sorry you have to go through this.

I’m following your post so closely. My experience is what your daughter will experience at some point in her life. I will tell you this, serious thought into if I was biologically related didn’t happen till I was about 40. I’m now 45. The wondering eventually turned into compulsive obsession of finding out for sure. After I performed the DNA test and got the test results back it helped me move forward in the process. It finished another paragraph in this chapter of my life. I moved onto the next paragraph. Now that my “dad” has acknowledged I am not his, another paragraph has been completed. With each step I am healing. This has not been planned out. I go to a therapist every Thursday. I talk she listens. Each week I am empowered to make the next decision, take the next step forward. Since therapy I have not fallen backwards. Every week, for 3 weeks now I have moved forward at a steady but slow pace. This will not be fixed overnight. I strongly recommend you seek out therapy immediately. It’s expensive but so worth it. I definitely would not be making the progress I’m making if it wasn’t for my therapy.

You are certain that your love for your child will never ever change and I’m overjoyed to here that! Since I’m speaking from experience, I strongly recommend you find an accredited DNA lab and have the test done. She is saying she believes it’s his but isn’t 100% sure. It will complete a step in revealing the whole truth and leave no doubt. From there you can move on to the next step ...

Your WW knowing precisely where the drive was when you exposed her, to me shows that she was a lot more vested in the OM than she is letting on or telling you. I mean she let the OM impregnate her, rub and kiss her belly, hold & cuddle their baby. He was acting like & she was treating him like the proud expectant dad to be.

Absolutely 100% you are her father period. You raised her you taught her right from wrong & god from bad. But maybe the only reason you were able to nurture & raise her is because the OM died. Its a valid point.

I do wonder and it may be a good question to set your WW down and ask her. Where would we be right now in our lives & as a family if the OM was still alive?

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 3:57 PM, February 2nd (Friday)]

The OM broke it off and had a religious awakening right before he died. That doesn't mean that it would have stayed broken off if he had lived. The fact that she kept the drive says a lot. I believe that she did love him, and when he died, she stayed because she also loved you. The drive probably came out of the vase occasionally when she was missing him, and feeling nostalgic.

I would get your daughter tested asap. Maybe she is yours. Life would be much simpler if that were the case. If not, I would definitely prepare for the day that she decides to do Ancestry DNA, or another test like that, because they're so common now, and inexpensive, you wouldn't want a nasty surprise out of the blue if she's in college and does it for a project or something.

What a terrible situation to be in. I am so sorry.