SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As for the last eight years, I would have said they were fine. We were affectinate, got along well, both have a sense of humor, same politics, same values (I THOUGHT we had the same values). I really did feel close to her. We were friends before we were lovers, then we got engaged, etc.

dumbfounded74

I think that your wife has you in the friend and family file. She may love you very much but it’s as a father or brother. She’s like your teenage daughter that wants to date a bad boy you don’t approve of. She doesn’t want to give up living at home so she sneaks out of her bedroom window. She loves her dad but takes him for granted because she knows that he loves her so much that he will never kick her out.

She has several reasons to walk over hot coals to stay with you. She was never going to leave you and wanted you to provide her with boring husband things. She’s getting older and those things are even more important.

She wants a friend and companion to grow old with. Plus if you forgive her how can anyone else criticize her? For example: “Your dad forgave me, why can’t you?” You’re like the only priest that can give her absolution.

You are doing great for what you've gone through.

I would recommend the paternity test - you'll always be asking yourself the question.

Just remember, you don't need to make any decisions quickly. Your WW is not in the affair because OM is dead, so there's no need for strong tactics.

What you are seeing from your WW is likely regret - at getting found out - and not remorse. To really tell if the WS is remorseful takes time - is she still understanding of your insecurity (access to the phone, etc.), your anger, your distance from her weeks and months, and yes - years from now. It is easy for the WS to be caring for a few weeks; it's when the weeks turn into months that the true motivations show.

I would strongly recommend IC for both of you. For you to process this trauma, and it is a trauma, and to help you figure out what you want for the future - marriage, D, whatever.

For her, she needs to answer the questions of why she chose to do this and why she covered it up. Right now, she can't answer that. Until she does, and makes changes to herself to insure it doesn't happen again, she can't be a safe partner. (NB: lack of sex, attention, etc. is NOT a reason)

Take your time (right now you are in shock), let the feelings process, get knowledge (it's power (paternity, divorce)) and then make a decision.

Until then, do as you said you were doing: One day at a time.

Keep coming back. We've (collectively) been through this and are here for you.

If you do decide on a paternity test. PleaS take her to the doctor. You can say flu test. Or something vs her Dad swabbing her mouth.

Once you get results, you and a therapist can navigate the course of action. I am willing to bet her pediatrician has heard this before.

This is going to be tough to navigate. Does your daughter even understand how babies are made?

My wife told him the baby she was carrying was his.

In one (photo) he was kissing her baby bump.

Did you conceive Amanda by me or him." She took a deep breath and said she was pretty sure it was him.

dumbfounded74

One thing that struck me as odd is that she’s so certain who the bio father is. Her story would be much more sympathetic if she didn’t know who the father was and hoped it was you.

She was celebrating who the father was and bonding with him (i.e. "In one (photo) he was kissing her baby bump").

Frequency of sex decreased as the years went by but we still had sex once a week or so. When the A started, it was way down, I admit that, to maybe twice once a month.

dumbfounded74

My wife is an obstetrician/gynecologist. She told me that a young couple with proven fertility using no birth control would have gotten pregnant before a decade was up.

In order for your wife to be certain of who the father was she had to be very aware of her cycle. It could have been random that you didn’t have sex with her anywhere near ovulation. That’s why she was sure who the father was.

Or it could have been planned. Your wife could have gone off the pill and used another birth control method when having sex with you (for example: spermicide with a diaphragm or cervical cap).

My wife tells me that ovulation kits were available 9 years ago. She could have even used an ovulation kit to know exactly when to have sex with the OM.

EDIT: I just thought of something. How long was the affair? The frequency of having sex with your wife may have tapered off but the OM was picking up the slack.

Why didn’t your wife get pregnant with the OM sooner? Let’s say that your wife was having sex with someone once a week with no birth control. She doesn’t get pregnant in a decade and then does? Did she use birth control after your daughter was born?

Ask for permission to see her prescription records. If she was on the pill she may use the excuse of using it to regulate her cycle. If that’s true then why didn’t she tell you?

[This message edited by Michigan at 9:46 AM, February 6th (Tuesday)]

I know I sound like a broken record, but you are never going to get over this level of betrayal.

T/j (sorry)

I know I sound like a broken record, but you are never going to get over this level of betrayal.

Yes, you do. You have no idea what he can and cannot do. Given your recent join date, you are likely projecting and it's not helpful.

End t/j.

The good news is, you do not have to decide right away if you want to reconcile. It is perfectly okay to watch and see how your BS conducts herself.

Will she answer all of your questions for as long as you need?

Will she take a polygraph if you want?

Will she go to counseling and find out why she was able to betray you and your kids?

Will she be transparent?

Will she do whatever it takes?

And will she do whatever it takes, knowing you may decide in a year or two or five or ten that the affair really was a deal breaker for you?

If she cannot do all of that, she's not R material.

And then, even if she does, it's still up to you. No one has to offer R to a cheater. But put the onus on her to earn even consider of R.

Take care, this is really hard.

I'm a betrayed husband who decided to stay with my WW out of fear of the unknown. My world was turned upside down and I just wanted my life back again. I convinced myself that I could stuff her cheating into the back of my mind and let time heal my wound. I had no support because I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I started counseling but never even told my therapist - that was the depth of my shame for my wife's disgusting behavior and my decision to cut off my own balls and tolerate what she did.

None of the online resources were available back when my wife cheated. With no one to turn to and no way to educate myself on infidelity and healing, I made a series of horribly stupid decisions. You are older than I was and much more mature and I think your initial reactions - including seeking help here - have been solid. I urge you to keep your own personal healing your number one priority. Your marriage is not important if you are going to rugsweep this and live unhappily ever after with your WW. In addition, you cannot be the dad you want to be if you are trying to hide the anger and contempt you feel for WW. You must see all of her behavior for what it is and make decisions based on that reality & not the desperation to "get back to normal" that you feel right now.

I always advocate divorce for BH's because I've seen too many failed reconciliations that have only brought more pain to BH. He then decides to try to live with it or finally divorce. I see reconciliation as simply delaying or eliminating a man's recovery. That said I support any decision that a BH makes about reconciliation. I will always warn a BH that if it's the mind-movies and the very thought of his wife fucking another man that is killing him - he's going to regret not divorcing her ASAP and starting a new life. But the choice is always up to them.

In your case I see no possible way you will ever be able to find peace and true forgiveness for what your wife has done. She actively planned to silently cuckold you and have another man's child. Of course you have been that child's daddy and will always love her as you do now, but she is a constant reminder of what your wife did. Not that you will ever blame the child, but the fact that she will trigger your memory of WW's horrible betrayal cannot be denied. The other major issue that you have that few other BH's have to deal with is actually seeing her frolicking with OM. Him kissing her pregnant belly. There is zero chance - I repeat ZERO CHANCE - that you will ever get those images out of your mind. The mind-movies of her with him will fester and eat a hole in your very soul if you stay with her. Your ego and self-esteem will soon be non-existent leaving you an empty shell of a man. Divorce will bring you a sense of balance by refusing to tolerate the depth of your wife's depravity. You will continue to be a great dad to your daughter because that's who you are. You do not have to live with her mother to be there for her. When she is old enough to be told the truth she will both understand why you left and admire you even more for the life you gave her.

So, while you are on the roller-coaster you must guard against that part of denial that is going to whisper in your ear "this really isn't so bad" and force yourself to be real. This devastation is only going to sink deeper if you avoid the ugly truths and compartmentalize your feelings.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 1:26 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

Your wife had sex with another man and happily carried his baby to term and celebrated with him as if they were a family. She lied to you for EIGHT YEARS. Someone else said it earlier that she kept those wonderful memories hidden away to relive over and over again because sadly for her, her soulmate passed away and she never got the chance to leave you for him. Because mark my words, she planned all this and would be with him now except for his desire to end it. HIS desire, not hers. She doesn't love you dude, Sorry, but no way in Hell can one do this to a person they love.

Respect yourself and file for divorce

Dumbfounded... you should seek out AmbivalentOne

Your stories are similar

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=614285

T/j (sorry)

Yes, you do. You have no idea what he can and cannot do. Given your recent join date, you are likely projecting and it's not helpful.

End t/j

I am not projecting. I stand by what I said. I am all for doing whatever one can to save a marriage, but in my opinion OP would only be delaying the inevitable by trying to salvage this.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 2:19 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

I'd keep the kids, and dump her.

I'm no saint, but I would literally rather kill myself than carry another man's baby to term while the person I supposedly love/ my husband thinks it's his. I can't think of anything more heinous and cruel.

Your wife is either stupid or evil. She is 100% one of these, but perhaps both. I is unimaginable to toy with these types of relationships and emotions like this. To create a lie so big that you let the floor drop out from under someone and everything they know to be true. Affairs and bad enough, but when it comes to parenting and your children, some things are sacred and not fuck-with-able. You know? Cheat on your husband if you need to, but for fucks sake, do not lie to him about who his own children are or are not for almost a decade. That is so vile.

I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.

She lied to you.

She lied to her own children.

Keep the kids, get rid of the wife.

I agree with you, Smile. Affairs are wrong and selfish, but to deceive a spouse in this way and not tell is just plain evil. I’m one that strongly feels, if you’re going to cheat, get out first. It’s the worst thing you can do to a good spouse.

Folks!!

He said he may be interested in R. It's a viable option, as is D. Can we support him while he comes to grips with that without telling him what do to? He is only DAYS into this. It takes time.

You're doing great. It's your decision and, as I said before, you don't actually have to make a decision until you are good and ready.

[This message edited by sudra at 5:00 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

Despite all attempts at secrecy, affairs like this do not happen in a complete vacuum. perhaps in a week or two, when your household is a little calmer, you could discreetly contact people in your family, her family, or your social circles to seek additional information about this situation. You never know who may have something to share with you. Good Luck.

d74,

Give yourself the benefit of time. You have time to work through this. Time right now is your greatest asset. You have high emotions and some information. Time will influence both of those.

I have a suggestion for your consideration. The lowest hanging fruit available to you is to do the in home collection of DNA for one of the paternity kits sold in the drug store. Your wife agreed to this. I don't think you have to make a big production of it with your child. Do her swab at the time she brushes her teeth. Get that piece in play for your daughter's future

. That is going to be the most important consideration coming out of the DNA results. I expect I will get a decent dose of 2x4s by saying that at this point it is more important than the A, R or D.

Yes, the test results will affect you and your future. No one, and that includes you at this point, knows what your reaction will be to that news. And like all of this sh*t, your reaction is going to change over time. What will not change, I believe, is the love you have for your daughter. I believe your love will strengthen no matter what the results are. Dads that are dads (not just a placeholder figure) provide for and protect their children. I believe that to be hardwired. IMO the outcome is going to trigger a protective instinct in you for her.

I like to say plan strategically, act tactically. Getting the paternity test done is tactical, and prudent. It is unknown at this point what role the results will play in your ultimate goal. It may be the only thing right now that need not be driven by emotion. Other than care and concern for your daughter.

All A's are cruel and callous. Your DD is an innocent. She will need a safe, sane, sober, loving dad. And that is not dependent on the results of the paternity test.

Just a note regarding DNA tests - can’t eat, brush your teeth or drink for 1/2 hr before test. Results can be compromised.

BTW, there's a thread in I Can Relate for those who found out years later that might be helpful to you.

None of this bothered her in the slightest until you found out. For eight years.