Hi dumbfounded
I only joined SI in June of last year so I don’t yet have the wisdom of so many of the seasoned posters and guides on here. So I tend not to offer recommendations or suggest courses of action. What I try instead to do, is just to share some of my experience, and hope that it helps a little.
The first thing I would like to share is that I would have wanted to do the DNA testing. I can share with you that, as a result of my experience of infidelity, 2 young girls have been brought into my life. One 18 years old, and one just 6. I have my own DD, who I love beyond comprehension. I love these two new precious souls just as much. These are not just flighty words of mine. My actions speak to this deep, deep love. I am certain that there are several of the SI team who would vouch for me in this regard. From getting to know you through your posting, I cannot believe that any DNA result will change your love for your DD. My reasons for dong the test would be 3 fold.
The first is to kill the uncertainty. In infidelity, uncertainly is a poison that kills. It kills slowly. The death is excruciating and slow, but the end result is the obliteration of all evidence of life in you. It kills relationships, it kills trust, it kills any spark of love, and in the end, it kills physically.
The next reason is a far more logical and rational. All of you, and especially your DD needs to know for practical health reasons.
The third reason is one I learnt the hard way. Your participating in covering this up, or even just failing to confirm the truth, is you’re playing the Wayward game. I allowed my WW to lure me over to the “dark side” by agreeing to cover up and lie to my DD and DS for almost a year. They felt the tension. No matter how hard we tried to hide it and no matter how we told ourselves that we were doing a good job of doing it, they felt and knew something was very seriously wrong. In ignorance, they conjured and speculated on every possible cause. Has terminal illness entered the home? Was it something that they were doing? Were mom and dad getting divorced? And without the certainty, we robbed them of any chance to process and deal with the reality. Mine were young at the time. Just 10 and 15, but when we finally agreed to tell them, all that was said is, “there is something that we need to tell you”, and DS immediately said, “you getting a divorce”. So much for our success in hiding it. Only you will know when the time is right to tell DD, but once she knows the truth, whatever it might be, you and her will be working on a strong foundation of truth. There is no other solid foundation. Your actions will reassure her of your unwavering love.
In terms of D or R, I am going to make no recommendation. In terms of when you might be ready to make the decision, I am going to make no recommendation. In retrospect, it was a deal breaker for me. There are some wonderful WWs over in the Wayward forum. I am cheering them on. They have transformed themselves into truly loving and honourable human beings who I am certain, will love with all their beings, love only one, and love faithfully for the rest of their lives. I am so hoping for successful R for them, and hoping that their BHs have the capacity for grace, but I feel a tinge of guilt in hoping that their BH will offer them the gift, as I know now, that it is a deal breaker for me, and I would not be able to give the gift.
I knew from DDay, where my head was. I had always known it. I threw her out on the day. But then, my inflated male ego convinced me that if I let my marriage fail, I would be a failure, and I don’t tolerate failure in myself. So, I gave XWW false hope, and subjected my family to almost a year of hell. For some time, I felt guilty for this. My view has shifted a little, and I realise that I now have a peace, in that I have the certainty that my decision was the right one, for all of us. Without that, there might have always been that poison of doubt.
The one thing that I would like to add though, is, while you might not be certain what your final decisions will be, you must not allow yourself to be in limbo. You must be in control and you must be working towards a direction. As one of the wise posters often shares, the good news is that, at least in the early days, probably for up to the first year, the path to either, runs parallel.
Then one final thing for now. For quite some time I regarded SI as fiercely pro R. I even stated it in some posts and was called out for it. Not long after I made those posts, another member started a thread bemoaning how SI was so pro D. Suppose it all comes down to one’s perception. I truly have no opinion on what decision you need to make. I was not the one your wife cheated on. I know nothing of your relationship or the strength of you love for her, or your moral programming. I won’t mind if you make on decisions one day and change it the next. Or even ten times in the day. I will try and support you through it all.
What I do know it that there is a whole section of the site dedicated to stories of successful R. I don’t know of anything that shares stories of successful D. So, I would like to share with you that there can be successful D. My story is one of those. There are many. I would be happy to share it if ever it would be helpful to you. I must caution that neither get you off this roller coaster very quickly, it is just that each of us must choose the path that takes us to our point of greatest healing.
I hope that somewhere in all of the above there is something that helps a bit.
