SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Western, you asked whether it was better to have found the drive or not. Maybe it's because I'm still in a lot of pain, but part of me wishes I would have never found it. Not now, not 20 years from now. I might feel different if I'd sensed something wrong, or she'd been cold toward me, etc. but I really thought we were happy. I could have continued that way till the day I died, but again, I might feel differently later.

I still don't understand her hiding it there to begin with. If I'd done such a thing, and I really felt an urge to save something from it, I wouldn't have taken a chance on hiding it anywhere in the house, let alone in some cabinet that anyone could have found at some point. I'd have put it in a saftey deposit box or some place a lot less reckless than where it was.

DF, would she forgive you if the roles were reversed ?

I am not leading to anything here as your situation is a horrible one and you are handling it well.

I think one of the best things she has said is that she understands you not forgiving her. It sounds as though she's starting to understand the gravity of what she has done.

Not rushing you here but what are your thoughts regarding on how you are going to 'think this through' ? Do you have a plan for either way of the paternity test ? yes the child will always be yours regardless but what are your dealbreakers just in case it is not already there ?

It wayward logic. The way she believed, better yet

she convinced herself that she was never going to

get caught. She convinced herself that you would

never find it.

How would she hide a safe deposit box? Even if WW

took care of the bills eventually there would be

the day you would open the bank statement and ask

WW why the box?

Hide it at her parents house? Not safer there.

I am glad that you are getting the paternity test

done. Fingers crossed for the results.

I still don't understand her hiding it there to begin with. If I'd done such a thing, and I really felt an urge to save something from it, I wouldn't have taken a chance on hiding it anywhere in the house, let alone in some cabinet that anyone could have found at some point. I'd have put it in a saftey deposit box or some place a lot less reckless than where it was.

Wayward behavior is not necessarily smart behavior.

She kept it to keep the memories alive. Have you asked how how often she views them?

Western, if I don't decide to divorce anytime soon, the dealbreakers for me will be things like lack of transparency (my access to her phone, etc. at any time) and reneging on agreements to go to counseling and to continue as long as it takes. As to paternity, I'm mentally preparing myself for the result that I'm not the father. If it turns out otherwise, that will be great, but I'm not pinning any future plans on that.

As for her forgiving me for the same thing, I actually think she might. She's always been very tolerant of human failings in everyone she knows (I guess she knew her own shortcomings all too well to be judgmental) and if I'd gotten someone pregnant, I think she'd be concerned about the baby and perhaps welcome him or her to our family if that had been an option. Of course, I'll never know for sure, that's the tough part.

Marz, she said she viewed them quite a bit in the months after he died. She said she hadn't touched the drive in recent years. There's some small evidence for that. The drive had a thin coating of dust on it when it fell from the vase.

There are a hundred things in the past I'll never know for sure, but what is she going to do in the future, that's what I'm going to have to monitor closely if I don't D.

Your wife says she is not the woman she was then. What does that mean?

Take your time and think this through.

Perhaps a vacation away with friends or family would be good.

Did anyone know about the affair? It seems like they were pretty bold with it. I doubt it was a secret to everyone.

Does your WW know you are posting here?

...and if I'd gotten someone pregnant, I think she'd be concerned about the baby and perhaps welcome him or her to our family if that had been an option.

Can she explain why she didn't give you the option?

I wanted to check on you. Your family has been in my prayers.

Thanks, Iwantmyglasses. I appreciate it. Just been taking things day by day. We're still living together, haven't made any final decisions. We're both getting counseling. Again, not sure what I'll end up doing.

Did you get the DNA test results?

hope she is being helpful.

There is no rush for decision making. It is wise of you to proceed with caution and careful thought process in this circumstance. Especially since it directly effects your daughter. (And your other child) I commend you for this. It shows so much strength in you.

You will be able to look back on this and feel pride for the way you are handling this.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 7:52 AM, February 22nd (Thursday)]

dumbfounded74 - if you find your ww is truly a changed woman, what will be reaction?

How has things transpired Dumbfounded? How did the DNA results go? How are you and the wife?

Sorry I haven't posted for a while,but at least the last couple weeks have been the best for me since I found out. I've had DNA tests from two separate labs, and both show a 99% probability that DD is mine. I was as prepared as I could be for the opposite result, so you can imagine how happy I am. W is certainly relieved, and she seems genuinely happy herself.

I couldn't help asking her again why she was so sure the baby was conceived by OM. I told her not to mince words, just tell me. She said that during the window she must have conceived, the number of times she had intercourse with him vs me had to be about eight to one. Once is all it takes though, and I'm glad it was me.

Having said the above, at times I feel like I'm leaning more toward divorce than ever. I can't help thinking about the fact that both he and she THOUGHT it was his baby and she was so happy about it. Also, since she was so passive regarding whatever OM wanted, she might have terminated the pregnancy if he'd insisted. My own child could have easily been aborted.

And then there's something someone here said, I believe Michigan, that I keep thinking about. Why didn't she get pregnant between the time our older son was born and our daughter? Our plan was to let nature take its course until we had two or maybe three kids. Was she on birth control until she started seeing OM, and then got off of it? If so, it didn't work, I snuck in there, thank god. I've confronted her about that and she insisted she didn't use any birth control until after our daughter was born (I knew she was on birth control after DD was born. We had agreed that two kids was right for us).

She's doing everything right so far and hasn't refused anything I've asked of her in regard to tranparency or anything else. She really wants to reconcile. Sometimes, I do to. Other times, I start ruminating on it all and I just don't know if I can forgive. I know damn well I can never forget. We're both in counseling. I still haven't made any final decision.

Just wow!

Your past posts about continuing to love your daughter with all your heart even though she may not have been biologically yours were about as honorable and courageous a thing anyone will ever read on this board.

The fact that this is a non-issue for you now is ... well ... let's just say I couldn't be happier for you.

Wishing you the very best

[This message edited by HardenedGuy at 4:57 PM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

That is fantastic news! I am am glad the “universe” was looking out for you.

As to divorce or reconciliation—that is a decision that can take as much time as you need. It may be months—years—before you know what is right for you.

My heart goes out to you man. Whatever you decide i will pray for you.

Why didn't she get pregnant between the time our older son was born and our daughter?

That's the part she'll never tell you.

It sounds like from your posts she planned on the child being his.

It was probably a surprise that it wasnt.