SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Take your time deciding if you want R or D. If your WW is not be fully remorseful yet, answering your questions and seeing your pain might make her see the A in a different light. She’s being truthful, even though she knows you won’t like the answers—that’s a good sign. Has she read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? Not Just Friends?

If the DNA test shows your daughter isn’t yours and you opt for D, she’s likely to think she’s to blame, that her existence drove you away. Figure out how to help her with that. Counseling would probably be a good idea.

ok and I will get attacked for this but I don't give a shit.

She would have 'followed his lead' ? This is the argument we had on Ambivalent One's thread.

It does mean something even after one affair partner dies as to where things are. Yes, piece of human excrement is taking a dirt nap. She was a willing partner so to his W, your wife is a POS. But are you living a lie ?? Would she be with him ? because whether some pro-reconciliation people here will tell you that it doesn't matter, as they did on Ambivalent One's board and I thought that was just cruel. I will tell you that it does because you are living the life of plan B. Her answer to you laid it all out and screw anyone who denies this.

Can you live with that ?? Only you can decide.

That is the truth. Can you overcome this ? Will you overcome this ? And if you can't, good for you !!

Because you deserved better than her all along. She is damaged. She damaged herself.

It's all about what you want but do not feel that pressured.

Everybody on here is always going on about PLAN B!! PLAN C!!

I honestly don't believe that most waywards think in those terms. I was never Plan B for my wife. Plan A was simply being married to me and having sex with him. I believe that most affairs are like this. I am the father of her children. I am the breadwinner in our family (she currently works part time, full time Mom and then some). She was never going to leave me.

In these cases where the AP dies, it usually serves as a wake up call to the surviving AP where they have their own come to Jesus moment. They are forced to see just how wrong everything they've done is. They get therapy, improve their life, and improve their marriage. The WW in this situation, as well as AO's WW, kept their affairs hidden for nearly a decade. It's kind of a "Back to life, back to reality" type situation. The dream is over... time to wake up.

I don't really believe in Plan B in most cases. In this situation, I think that OP's WW should be considered Plan X. As in, X-wife. Of course he will always love his daughter, and that's great. But after what she pulled, I could never forgive that.

I go back and forth on this and my thoughts, while seemingly firm one moment swing right back like a pendulum the next.

I think Fenderguy wrote a good post about Plan B vs Plan A.

Does it matter that the OM died and she likely would have kept the A going if he hadn’t? I don’t know. The great majority of us her found out about our spouses - not that they had some major epiphany and woke up and confessed. They were caught. So what’s the difference whether she stopped because she was caught vs the OM died?

What you have is 8 years to go on since the A was over. You have future vision, a crystal ball. One key thing we are so worried about is trust and how do we know that he/she won’t do this again? You know. You have your answers. The “future” happened for you. So what kind of wife was she over the past 8 years? I think more than anything, the answer to that question will be most helpful.

Now whether you or the OM is the father is a whole different ballgame. I’m glad you’re doing a DNA test. It’s important to know. If she is yours, rejoice. If she isn’t, only you can decide what that means to you and your ability to stay married no matter how much your wife is a good candidate for R. No one will blame you for leaving. It’s such a personal situation. I just wish you strength no matter what happens.

Fender, Pan A and Plan B does matter. It reaches into the heart of the Wayward and many people can't accept being Plan B when they were supposed to be 'PLAN ONLY'

I agree that people wake up to the damage they have done but that doesn't always help the betrayed spouse.

In the end, they are left with a damaged partner and they have to consider this in the end

I'm glad you checked in. It sounds like she is trying to help you.

Despite the future vision, I would make IC for her a condition of R. It's the safest thing to do.

My reason for the comment about sign up date is that, for many, they sign up shortly after Dday. I don't think someone 0-2 years out can really speculate as to what anyone can or cannot do with respect to R.

I just want to apologize for my Plan X comment. That was insensitive at best, and a very mean, stupid thing to say at worst. I was getting worked up thinking about how I would react in the same situation. My oldest (DS) looks exactly like me. But my DD looks absolutely nothing like me, or even my WW or her brother, and I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind before.

Even if what she told is true she had taken you completely for granted during the affair and was completey at the mercy of the POS. She must have done a good job hiding it, for you to not notice anything like her being emotionaly distant. Do not get repeatedly victimized. You are the one who get affected that lead to you being less productive. direct your anger/frustration in a positive direction like improving your carreer. Treat this with less emotion like you treat a serious problem such as an illness. In addition to this forum, hope you are in contact with someone who is dear to you. For some physically talking to someone helps.

also i do not think asking for any more details help as it increse your pain.

[This message edited by goalong at 8:16 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

Most of us have never faced anything like you have. Our experiences are bad enough, and all cheaters have a pattern, but all cheaters are different. Written down in cold terms, your WW seems like a major pos, but you know her better than anyone, so you must be the judge.

I want to tell you, that despite some of the anger and projection you see here, that we all have your back. And that you are dealing with this very well. Keep it up. Keep your head straight. Lean on us as needed. But most of all, honor yourself and your needs. Sooner or later, you will know what you need and what to do.

dumbfounded74, just know that your WW giving you a timeline, answering your questions as truthful as she can, giving you as much detail of the A that you need, does not in ANY way obligate you to consider R. Instead, it gives you something that was withheld from you 8 years ago - the right to tell your WW "HELL NO!" to her participating in the affair. You were not allowed to opt out of being a cuckold. Your were not allowed to have a say in whether you agree to share your WW with the POSOM.

But you do now.

Even though this happened 8 years ago, you now get to make an informed decision as to whether you want to spend your remaining years with someone who served you such a massive shit sandwich, OR go find someone who would never dream of ever doing that to you. Right now, if you chose to move forward without your WW, no one could ever blame you for doing so. This is what many of us who are saying you should consider D are trying to tell you, that it is ok if you cannot handle her level of betrayal. It is ok to seek what you think you deserve. It is your turn to be selfish, not only for you but for your kids as well.

I am going to say this again. I absolutely am heartbroken for your family. Your daughter. You. Your other child. And yes even your wife. Her relationship with her children is ruined.

I am praying so freveretly for you. Please God give this poor man strength. Allow him to lean on you. Place your hands upon him. Let him feel your love flowing through his soul.

I don’t know what path you will take. Whichever it is. I know you and your family need prayers.

Dumbfounded, it is good that you are having

the paternity test done.

What is even better is that you do not

have to decide whether divorce or recovery

is the best choice for now.

You see it takes the BS six months for the

BS brain to process what you have learned of

your WW's affair.

Take these six months to let your brain settle

and calm down so you will then be able to

think things through with a clear head.

Remember six months is a very short time

from a life time.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 9:09 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

The OM dumped her before he died - to reconcile with his faith. I think it's safe to say, if he were still alive, OP's WW would t be with OM today.

She admitted that she wanted to remember the good parts of their relationship. I asked if she ever visited his grave and she said yes, a couple times soon after he died, but not since.

She kept a flash drive hidden away because she thinks there were good parts of their "relationship." Parts worth remembering. What a peach. For me, even without the cuck/OM baby aspect, this would be a complete dealbreaker. I would ask her how she would feel if the tables were turned. But waywards do not think and feel like normal people. So that would be a fruitless endeavor.

She insists she's not the woman she was then,

You mean she is not a lying cheater that hides things from you...like the biological fatherhood of her daughter, or a flash drive full of cherished memories? This is the "changed" version of her? No. Not buying it. This is the "caught" version of her.

she'll agree to anything I want, post nup, DNA test, telling our daughter, counseling, everything.

Yea, yea. Most cheaters say some version of this after the gig is up and the orgasms are over.

Since you are leaning toward D here is something to think about. Her current attitude could work to your advantage. Perhaps you can get her to agree a post-nup that would give you a better deal than a straight up divorce. Maybe play the long game and divorce a little later once everything is signed. Anyway just an idea to run by your lawyer.

She said when he broke it off, it "shocked me back into reality."

The problem I have with this statement is the fact that she kept the pics to remind her of the good times. How were there good times to be remembered if she was shocked back into reality, into realising the enormity of her betrayal. How do you remember any of the betrayal as good times if you grasp that?

She insists she's not the woman she was then

Yet up until a few days ago, in all these eight years, she never told you that she doesn't think you are the biological father of your daughter. And she kept the pics to remember the good times. For eight years. Where was her disgust at what she had done? Surely if you were disgusted with yourself, remorseful, you'd throw away the love letters and the pic of the OM kissing your pregnant tummy?

She was prepared for you to live a life of ignorance forever. If she is 'not the woman she was before' then the 'before' can only be the few days since your discovery of all this because up until that point, she was a woman who had fond memories and keepsakes of her affair and was allowing you believe you were the biological father of another man's biological child.

My heart bleeds for you and your daughter. You are both the innocent victims here.

edited to add: That's not to say that you can't reconcile from this if that is what you want - but it's going to be hard and she's got a lot of work to do on herself. Maybe in these last few days she finally is beginning to grasp the enormity of what she did.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 3:04 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

Also:

She insisted it wasn't planned, but once she was pregnant, she couldn't terminate herself. She said she told him hoping he would insist that she get an abortion.

That sounds a little fudgy... in your original post when you read the letters between OM and your wife you state you read..

My wife told him the baby she was carrying was his, but that she wasn't going to get an abortion. He said basically it was her decision.

which sounds more like she told him she wasn't aborting - not like she was hoping he'd tell her to. She didn't say 'I'm pregnant' and wait for his reaction. She told him. Which doesn't sound so passive to me.

Hi dumbfounded

Sorry, I dont have any suggestions or wise words or sensible analysis on yours or any of the other posters inputs. It is just that I have today, dug myself out of the second dark hole, 2nd dip on our favourite ( ) roller coaster as it were, in just 1 week. Now I am feeling so much better that I have this energy that I need to burn off so am doing a bit of SI posting.

I have just stopped by to try and support. Maybe I can share that these last 2 roller coaster dips have been pretty severe. Possibly even as deep as the ones in the first 6 months, but the good news? The recovery is so much faster. You get to see the sunlight so quickly again, it is almost as if you have just blinked.

I need to acknowledge that I have the tiniest advantage in this. I have this rather special, and ever so caring person, who takes extra care and shows even more, through, practical love as she lifts me out of the pit.

Am hoping that by sharing this I might be able to give you some possible vision of the future to work towards.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 7:00 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

Ohforanewme can you share your survival? I need it I feel as if I’m dying. This thread is awful and makes me so sad and I don’t mean to hijack. I am praying for this man. I am a few months post DDay and it seems partner planned to leave in January for months. He’s gone, to much younger woman after 14 years. He has been very nasty. I feel I have no future and am having very dark thoughts.

I don't know if I can forgive this, even if she'd never do it again, and of course I have no way of knowing that either.I just feel so tired and weary. If it weren't for the kids I'd like to lie down and not wake up.

That's the biggest question mark in my opinion. "If" you can get over this. I don't know your WW, but from past stories over the time that I have been here, I can say that she has the potential to be a good candidate for future fidelity. I base this primarily on pre A and post A fidelity. Aside from the affair, if she has been a good wife is only for you to decide.

But, an affair is huge to forgive. An affair that was not confessed, but found by their partner is possibly even harder to forgive. An affair with a possible child outside the marriage is something that is EXTEMELY INDIVIDUAL in the level of acceptance....because many simply can not work past this. And then, a person who HID the possible identity all these years later, after being a 'better person', brings your level of pain to an unimaginable high. Hence, what you quoted above.

This is entirely your call. You have a partner that wants to reconcile, and is willing to take all steps necessary(finally), but is it too late for you? The problem is, even if you choose to reconcile right now, with the best intentions, you may find 2, 3, or x years down the road that you simply can not overcome this. If D is your choice, I don't believe that one person would object strongly to that. You do what you need to do.

But my last suggestion: if you do attempt to reconcile, follow through on all of your WW's suggestions....including the post nup. It needs to be ironclad. But I would find it extremely unfair that your WW could 'give up' on reconciliation at any time, and reap the full benefits from what you believed was an exclusive partnership. You won't leave her destitute, but you will definitely leave yourself the finances to rebuild....if necessary.

Hi HeatherM

I am going to have to tell you what some of the wisest on SI said to me when I was already a year out an still struggling and what they have said to dumbfounded here in his thread.

T I M E.

I hated it when they said it to me and I am certain that you will now.

What I can share is that I don't think that you are in nearly as a depressed place as I got to at 3 months out and then again at a year.

What turns this around? Realising just how deep the hole you are in is, and then looking at where you need to get to, recognising what you can and what you cannot control, using those constraints to plot a course of action that will get you to that destination and then taking the action steps that you have laid out.

An important realisation is that your objective must not be R or D. It has to be getting out of infidelity. For R, there is so much that is outside of your control and you need to recognise this reality in that action plan that you put in place.

For me the turnaround from the continuous spiral down came the instant that I took control of my relationship destiny.

Hope this helps. My original thread is just a page or 2 in after some folk asked for an update.

It might give you some insights. It might also depress you to see just how long this damn thing takes.