SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

dumbfounded, you havent posted in awhile. How are things travelling?How are you and the wife doing?Have you made any decisions yet?

Been reading here a lot and learning, but I haven't posted because there's not much new to report. Still so relieved that my daughter was conceived by me. W and I are still living together, she's keeping her promises, we're both in counseling. I still haven't made any final decisions. We're not as distant as we were when this first happened, but a very long way to go if we do reconcile.

bump

You're a stronger person than I am 'dumbfounded74'. I'd have dumped her immediately after learning all that she did. Making the right choices for yourself is never wrong. I wish the best for you.

The cheating is one thing. If you're willing, it can be worked through.

But conceiving a child she believed to not be yours, taking pictures of the OM holding her pregnant stomach, and then letting you blindly raise what she thought was another man's child for years... THAT is unforgivable. The fact that she is your child is great, and makes the whole situation much less messy. The fact that you would've raised and loved your DD all the same, no matter her true parentage, shows just what a class act you are. She doesn't deserve a good man like you. That level of deception is pure evil.

R if you wish, that is a viable option. But damn...

I agree with Fender and Dismayed

I agree with Fender and Dismayed

The most I could do is have a business relationship with your wife until your daughter was 18. Then I would divorce her.

In a way your wife had a business relationship with you to raise who she thought was another man's daughter.

The business relationship could include servicing but I would use a condom.

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:48 AM, March 31st (Saturday)]

Dumbfounded, what has happened in the past few weeks?

I agree with Michigan's last post and yes please update

I keep coming back to the discussion about the possibility of terminating your daughter's pregnancy. As I understand it, you've been married about 20 years, plus or minus. A son in college.

About 10 years in, plus or minus, your wife had a long-term A with another man. During that time, she was having sex with him most or all of the time. Because of the frequency of A sex, she got pregnant during that time and assumed it was his, but did not verify either way.

What she tells you now is that, upon learning she was pregnant, she would have either aborted or carried the baby to term, depending on what her AP wanted her to do. What this means is that she allowed another man to make one of two decisions for you: (a) you would raise another man's child, or (b) she would abort your child.

As luck would have it, neither of these were the case. But as I see it, she put those choices in the hands of another man. We sometimes see long-term A's described as a unilateral decision to create a one-way open marriage, but here it feels more like a unilateral decision to create a one-way divorce.

The relationship ended and she then decided to bury this, and her ex, visiting his grave from time to time for private mourning. The facts evoke that old bluegrass standard, "long black veil", but translated to our modern era.

How has the marriage been since then? Do you even know who you are married to? Does she even feel married to you? Or are you just a convenient place to raise children?

Dumbfounded, what has been happening?

Hey dumbfounded -

Care to give us an update?

Dumbfounded74 I just read your entire thread and I'm glad your is yours, you were very "lucky" considering the 8 to 1 sex ratio (they were f**king like rabbits right under your nose).

This was an LTA, she admitted that it would have continued indefinitely and that she pretty much did anything he wanted at the time (including aborting your DD), she was clearly in love with him, have you asked your WW:

1) Had OM ask her to leave you for him (keep in mind she thought DD was his), what would she had done ? keep in mind had OM not died he could have made that proposition to her 5 or more years later when her love for him would have been much stronger.

2) At any point during her A, did she ever love OM more than you ? the same as you ? if so, when ? at what point ?

3) I know she said their relationship didn't have a future but was that because he said so or she said so ? besides that, did they ever consider it at some point ?

4) Did you get sloppy seconds ? if so, how did she feel about that ? how could she look you in the face like nothing had happened.

5) She said when he ended it, "it shocked her back to reality" but she said she was mad about it, so she definitely really did not want it to end at the time.

6) Did she ever get tested for STD's during the A and if so, how many times ? if not, why wasn't she even concerned about that and risked your health ?

7) After all these months do you really think you r M can survive this knowing that had OM not died, your WW would probably be with him today or at least still banging him ?

Thank you for sharing your story ... I'm sorry for your pain and conflicting emotions you're processing ... her behavior was grossly inappropriate,deceitful and disrespectful as well as very selfish.

It's sounds like up until you found out about the PA you've been happy with your wife and that she's been a good mom - and for that you're a lucky man.

To make things more complicated, the woman you see today sounds like the best version of your wife.

Her behavior with the OM was absolutely despicable but it was also a long time ago. You'll probably never be able to understand the 'why' or willingness to betray you by having another man's child.

Nor can I conclusively explain how she could recover from that situation and become the 'perfect' (nobody is perfect) wife & mom going forward.

However, maybe her grieving process (which culminated in no longer visiting his grave and no longer looking at the videos) included re-examining her core values vs her bad behavior - and 'who' she wants to be going forward. Maybe she fixed herself. And maybe she kept the videos etc because deep down she wanted to be held accountable someday (e.g., broke and confessed immediately like she knew it was coming someday).

Anyway, you have a tough decision to make and it's totally personal to you. Stay in touch and know you're not alone.

T/j Buster123 were these questions pertinent to your situation. I was trying to find your story and could not locate it. Have you posted it?

I think some of them are pertinent to Dumbfounded's situation but he never answered. It's not Buster's fault. He may be blunt but I had these questions in my mind from the beginning of the thread but knew the guy was in such pain that I decided to leave his thread in limbo since I figured he would never return to answer them.

I do wonder how he is doing though. I hope all is well with him.

His wife clearly does not deserve him or his forgiveness but that is his decision to make

@Ripped62

No, it's not pertinent to my story and I still have not posted my story, but a summary of my story is that my wife of 25 years was starting what would eventually become an EA with an ex boyfriend that lives in another country, we owned a small business and work together, they were sending messages via WhatsApp for about 6 months, I found out back in Feb of this year when my wife was showing me something on her phone and one of the messages popped up, I immediately recognized the name, she tried to play dumb but at that point I knew something was going on, we were at a restaurant, when we got home I demanded to see the phone and she was reluctant to give it to me, I know her password so I just grabbed it and locked my self in the bathroom to look at the messages, after a couple of hours of reading I saw how the messages increased from 1 every month to twice a month to once a week in the last month, by that point the intentions of the exBf were clear to me, no ILY's were ever exchanged.

I confronted her on the spot, she said she was just talking to an old friend to catch up on mutual friends from high school (I told her yes but you did it behind my back) I demanded NC immediately FOREVER, the next day I found the OBS had a LinkedIN account and I sent her an email to contact me.

About 3 days later I got a phone call at night and I recognzed the area code, it was the OBS, she wanted more details about what was happening and I told her the nature of OM's advances to my W, she was on speaker and he was right beside her, he tried to deny everything and I offer to send her the messages, she asked what phone number they were from and I told her, moreover I just put my W on speakerphone to out him on the spot and confirm it, He then changed his tune and started crying to his wife and beg for forgiveness, OBS told me that she's heard enough and to handle my wife and she was going to handle OM, I agreed and that was it.

My wife was very remorseful and admitted she should have stopped his advances but she thought since he was in another country nothing was going to develop from it, she admitted she liked the attention but never had any feelings for him, didn't know what an EA was, after a few weeks I started to look at this types of forums, read many of the threads and found out that I was lucky to have caught this at its infancy, I downloaded "Not Just Friends" for my wife, she read it, NC was implemented from the get go and so far she has never broken it, We talked for hours for days about their conversations, my W learned a lesson, I told her I would never tolerate anything like this again and that she needs to let me know if OM or anybody else tries to contact her in the future. Tbh, out relationship has taken a turn for the better, our sex frequency increased dramatically (not that it was bad) and we're happier than ever.

Somehow I developed an interest with infidelity forums and decided to participate and help others, after my experience I'm convinced that WS need to act swiftly and put their foot down from the beginning with NC Forever and ultimatums.

Sorry for the temporary thread hijack.

dumbfounded,

If you wish to give an update please feel free to do so. We are concerned about you. How are your children doing.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 6:06 PM, August 10th (Friday)]

Birth control for women doesn't just fall out of the sky. Odds are your wife has only been to a few OBYs (or whomever she saw for her yearlys) over that period of time (maybe one). If the thought of whether your wife being on birth control during the time between your son and daughter is bothering you ask her to request a copy of her medical records be mailed to her then you open and review them. She can also sign a paper allowing you to access them directly. They will list the medications they prescribe for her. All this assumes you live in the U.S.

I'm betting she is telling the truth, I can't see why she would decide to go on it without telling you. Most forms of birth control (all maybe??) also dramatically decrease or stop monthly periods. So if you don't remember that hassle suddenly disappearing assume she is telling the truth.