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I'm going to get a DNA test for DD just to be absolutely sure. I'm not proud of it, but I found myself staring at her today, to see if I could detect any features of the OM in her.

dumbfounded74

Don’t apologize for that. People act like it’s unsophisticated and primitive for a man to care if a child is biologically his or not. After all the kid needs a dad and there you are. What’s the problem?

But let the woman not be the biological mother (mix up at the hospital) and all hell breaks out. It makes national news and the hospital is sued for millions. Why? The parents went into the hospital wanting a kid and walked out with one. What’s the problem? How petty to care if the kid is biologically yours or not.

EDIT: I'm making the point that a man wanting to know that a child is biologically his is just a valid as a woman wanting to know that a child she brought home from the hospital is biologically hers.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:52 AM, February 4th (Sunday)]

In all earnestness, you should ask her how was she able to look in the mirror for the past eight years.

It's clear that she's an individual who's completely broken and one who definately needs intense IC.

WW as typical of cheaters told her version of the story. It is possible WW fully paln the pregnancy with the intention of moving with the dead pos. The pos true to his self gave her false hope and when push come to shove he dropped her citing his new found religion.

Even if you R you need to arrange things so that your interets are 100% taken care of. WW is not remorseful, she is upset and sad that what she thoght her well excuted plan has crashed

[This message edited by goalong at 8:23 PM, February 3rd (Saturday)]

Michigan, every parent has the right to his or her biological offspring. That's why the hospital is sued. That's why all hell breaks loose. It's a no-brainer.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:31 PM, February 3rd (Saturday)]

I agree, goalong.

He should look out for his interest with a solid post-nup. That's the least she can do.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:37 PM, February 3rd (Saturday)]

This story is so sad. All of this mind guessing as to what his wife did or didn’t do.

There is a much bigger issue here. There is a precious little girl who is going to be hurt beyond belief on day.

This will ruin her relationship with her mother. She will question her father’s love.

Please know your precious daughter is in my prayers.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 11:31 AM, February 4th (Sunday)]

Michigan, every parent has the right to his or her biological offspring.

MidnightRun

Very true and every parent has the right to know IF the kid is their biological offspring. OP felt guilty about DNA testing his daughter. He should not.

In this type of situation some people expect the man to suck it up for the kid. You're a bad person for even getting the test. Just because the man can eat a $hit sandwich and make everyone’s life easier doesn’t mean that he should be expected to. If he does raise a child as his own then he is a very very good man.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:59 AM, February 4th (Sunday)]

Tell me the truth, Jen. Did you conceive Amanda by me or him." She took a deep breath and said she was pretty sure it was him. She said that she and I weren't having sex much at during that time.

dumbfounded74

There is a decade between your son and your daughter. Is there a reason for that gap? If you weren’t having sex much at the time is it possible that your wife came on strong with you after she found out she was pregnant?

You are doing well, I know it does not feel like it.

Did you ask the attorney if our wife can take away your rights since you are not the biological father.

Work on you and get to a place where you can make a decision from strength.

What a hearthless wife. Not only has she ruined the BH life, but also destroyed the life from her daughter. The girl will have to take this burden her whole life. what was she thinking, that this never would come to surface?

It's exceptionally hard to see the person you thought they were and then find out who they really are or a part you'd nerver have suspected.

This affair didn't just happen.

To spend that much time and effort together took a lot of planning and deceit. Don't be surprised if her pregnancy with other man was planned out.

From your posts she planned and carried out a whole other

Iife.

If other man hadn't died what would have happened?

[This message edited by Marz at 3:34 PM, February 4th (Sunday)]

I know all affairs involve lies, but wow. These were biggies. To actually carry a baby that she believed to be OM's (whether this turns out to be the truth or not, it's what your wife believed/believes) and to take a picture of OM kissing her pregnant tummy..then KEEP that picture for years..all the while letting you (and your daughter) believe you were the biological father.. just Wow. This level of lying is off the scales for me. dumbfounded you are handling yourself amazingly well in the circumstances. You sound like such a good man. I wish you well, whatever path you eventually choose to take regarding your marriage.

Michigan, you are a great poster.

Dumbfounded, your situation is one of the worst ones I have seen on this board.

Don’t forgive too easily.

I can’t begin to tell you the pain I’m experiencing right now after finding out I’m the product of my mom’s affair 45 years. I honestly don’t think it would be nearly as bad if I had been told at a much younger age. I am so angry at my mom. At first it was directed towards my “dad” cause he treated me horribly. But during therapy I came to realize he’s just as much a victim in this as me. I can’t imagine how my “dad” felt everyday looking at me and me being a reminder of his wife’s affair. They didn’t deal with the affair so she got away with it. My mom is my mom by blood - because of this situation she will NEVER EVER play a mother role in my or my children’s life. She’s as good as dead to me!

Man I have to ask, and I apologize if this has been asked, but did you ask her does she still visit his grave today? Also, when was tge last time she visited? I would want to know. If she visits now it would impact any reconciliation.

I don't blame you for a minute about looking at your daughter to see if you can see the OM in her. I would think it was abnormal if you didn't. You don't think of her any less as your daughter, but with the current information you were given, that is absolutely normal and you are not crazy for doing it. And doing a DNA test on your daughter makes perfect sense too. I think you are handling this as well as one possibly could. I know you probably don't feel like it but those of us who have been on these forums for awhile read a lot and you have been handling this nothing short of amazing.

I would just echo what the previous posters have said regarding looking into your rights with an attorney regarding all aspects of divorce: custody, financial etc. Looking into an attorney does not mean you are divorcing your wife, what it does is arm you with information and helps keep emotions in check.

You do not need to worry about deciding on R or D anytime soon. As long as she is no longer involved in infidelity then you have time. You will change your mind between R and D probably hourly at the beginning and that is normal. I made a lot of mistakes early on because I didn't find this site until about 3 months past Dday. About the only thing my H and I instinctively did right was sending out NC letters, and transparency items and blocking their numbers. I offered R on dday if he was willing to put in the hard work. I had NO idea how the rollercoaster worked. I was in shock and couldn't imagine being divorced. I want you to know, that changed pretty quickly. His actions have been rock solid and he has been doing absolutely everything right, and yet once the shock wore off, there were days I wanted to D because I was so angry and hurt and he didn't deserve me. I also didn't go and talk to a lawyer. I didn't even think about that on Dday. Farthest thing from my mind. And I didn't go to counseling for the first few months because I was so overwhelmed and in shock I didn't want to talk to anyone. ANYONE......then the shock wore off and the counselor had to kick me out of his office every week or I would have never left. I could have stayed in there all day. But that only was the case when I was emotionally ready to start talking about it.

So, I will probably get heckled for one of my thoughts, but that is ok. It's just something I have thought about in past when reading people's stories about finding out years after the fact.

One of the interesting things about your post is that you have 8 years of post A behavior to consider.

What I mean by that is a few things:

How has she behaved since OM died? Has she written you a timeline and has she been affair free for the past 8 years? The only silver lining that I see is that if she has been affair free for the past 8 years, that is a good start and you have 8 years of post A behavior at your disposal.

On my Dday, I had to start at day one hoping and praying that my H would be able to live the remainder of his life without being involved in anymore affairs. It was terrifying because I didn't know if he had it in him. I had to set my boundaries and then watch his actions and pray he would do the hard work to be a safe partner. In some ways, I would have liked to have had the A be a few years down the road where I could see that he was able to go 3 years without an affair so I could put a little more faith that he was capable of doing it.

My point being, if she has been faithful the past 8 years since the affair, I would put that on the positive column (there are so few things to put on the positive column on Dday so at least that would be one). The rest of us who found out on dday wouldn't be able to add that to our column.

Every WS deserves divorce. So whether it was 8 years of hiding the affair and letting you think your daughter was biologically yours, or in my case my H having sex with 4 OW plus other indiscretions, I have a hard time saying which one is more deserving of divorce. They are both really deserving of divorce. The choice of whether or not you will divorce is up to you. Is this a deal breaker or if she does the hard work for the rest of your marriage, is she worthy of redemption?

You will get all different answers of what you should do. Half will say R and half will say D. The choice is yours. You had zero say in her unilateral decision but you have a choice in what you decide.

Right now, it's way too soon to even worry about it. Just focus on the basics: eat, get your rest and get medication if needed, get exercise, and just take this whole S***fest one minute at a time and give yourself grace when you feel like you didn't handle something "the right way". Give that notion up immediately. This will bring out a bat shit crazy side of you that you had no idea existed. Please remember that is normal. Half of the time I don't recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror. I had no idea I had such a sailors mouth. The old me would have horrified, but it is what it is. This rollercoaster is no joke. And you will be on it for years. YEARS. Just know that in advance. Whether you D or R, you will be on the rollercoaster until you have properly gone through all the stages of grief. So buckle up, hang on for dear life and keep posting.

Hope

Getting ready to leave for work this morning, first time since Dday. I think I'm relatively stable right now, just want to get throught this day, and the next, and on and on.

Michigan and others, you're right, I shouldn't feel bad about staring at DD and DNA testing. I guess I just don't want to start losing the love or the bond I have with DD. It's not because I'm a saint or anything like that. But I came from a broken home myself with all kinds of complications. I had a great stepmother who put up with a lot from my father. She was the only person in my life who gave me love, guidance, discipline when I needed it. I would have been in bad shape if I'd counted only the bio parents I had. She was in a position to leave if she wanted but she didn't. That doesn't mean I have to stay in this situation of course (my stepmother wasn't a betrayed spouse as far as I know), but I don't want to do decide anything too quickly.

You also make a good point, Michigan, about the gap between our kids. I guess I was too overwhelmed to think about that. When we married, W and I decided on two, maybe three kids at the outside, and to let nature take it's course as to when they'd arrive. Early on we screwed like rabbits as I guess a lot of couples do. She became pregnant with our son the first year. Frequency of sex decreased as the years went by but we still had sex once a week or so. When the A started, it was way down, I admit that, to maybe twice once a month, but I was stressed and tired as I said before. Now I'm wondering, did she use birth control after our first son, stop when she had the A, and then resume afterward. God, anything is possible when you think about it. And WilliamM, visiting his grave, I never thought about that either. We're going to talk more tonight, and that's when I'm asking for a timeline. I basically stayed to myself on Sunday, I just needed the time alone.

Hopeforthefuture94, thanks for all the support and insight. It really helps. Yes, she deserves divorce if anyone does, I know. As for the last eight years, I would have said they were fine. We were affectinate, got along well, both have a sense of humor, same politics, same values (I THOUGHT we had the same values). I really did feel close to her. We were friends before we were lovers, then we got engaged, etc. I'm trying to think back to the time she had the affair, what was different between us during that time.

Gotta get going or I"ll be late. Thanks everyone, and I'll keep posting.

[This message edited by dumbfounded74 at 8:19 AM, February 5th (Monday)]

Just be careful of focusing on what you did wrong 8 years ago (during the affair). I can guarantee you that you will find yourself dissecting the time you forgot to do the dishes. Forgot to cut the grass. Took forever to finish a project around the house. NON of that matters, remember that. She’s the one that had the affair. She’s not the victim.

When you confront, do not accept “I don’t know”. That is a cop out. There’s a reason for her actions. If you want to R, get to the bottom of it.

When the A started, it (sex) was way down, I admit that, to maybe twice once a month, but I was stressed and tired as I said before.

dumbfounded74

You seem to fault yourself for the decrease in sex implying that it may have been a factor in your wife having an affair. It’s kind of a chicken or the egg thing. A woman having an exciting affair with someone she loves (or thinks she loves) decreases her desire to have sex with her husband. Some women even feel that they’re being unfaithful to their OM when they have sex with their husband.

She said OM showed her all this attention, listened to her, made her feel special.

dumbfounded74

Some people don’t realize that they’re in a “bad marriage” until the affair starts. A husband can’t win an attention contest with a new guy that wants to get in his wife’s pants. The OM is new and very motivated. The husband doesn’t even know that there is a competition. So it isn’t fair for the husband to blame themselves for not giving enough attention. This is especially true if the wife never complained.

People in an affair rationalize their affair in several ways. One is to vilify their spouse. The spouse often states that they were picked on for small things and couldn’t do anything right. It doesn’t sound as if your wife did that.

Another way is what I think your wife did. They convince themselves that they are soul mates. That makes the affair classy instead sorted. They are star crossed lovers. If only they have met each other earlier. The reason that they don’t run away with each other is because they are very good people and can’t break up their families. So they sacrifice their love and sneak around behind their spouses backs.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:05 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

saw a lawyer yesterday. He said I had a good case if I wanted to file for divorce. I know how to proceed if I decide to do so. As for DD, he said that in this state, I'm the legal father if I was married to W when D was born and I signed the birth certificate, which I did. He said it would take a paternity challenge from another party to put my parental rights in any jeopardy.

Does the OM have an estate? Can you sue for back-owed child support against the estate?