SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sorry that you are facing this nightmare.

Your shock and sorrow and confusion are off the chart right now so my recommendation is to be measured and deliberate. If you confront tonight simply state what you know but keep everything as brief and emotionless as you can. She's going to be a mess. Be prepared for an avalanche of emotional reactions from your wife. Do not get pulled into her drama - you have your own real trauma to contend with.

If you choose not to confront tonight you don't owe her any explanation for your sorrowful mood. Take care of yourself, interact lovingly with your daughter and do not engage with your wife. You will have flippin' months to muddle through this hell.

But regardless of how you choose to handle tonight I can tell you what you MUST do tomorrow. Tomorrow you will go see an attorney.

My heart breaks for you. I know the injustice rocks you to your core.

Just keep posting and know there are many caring people here to support you.

I don't know where you stand on faith, but if it helps, I'm praying for you tonight.

Do not jump into MC!!!! Or offer her anything upfront.

I'd take some time away and figure out what I wanted to do.

This is a huge betrayal.

You really need dome close friends and family members you can trust for support.

Don't try and carry this shit on your shoulders alone.

You probably only know the "tip of the iceberg".

Take care of yourself first.

I would see a good attorney immediately to figure out what my Rights were.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:15 PM, February 1st (Thursday)]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. All posters here have given you solid advice. My only advice to you is to remember that she kept that flash drive for all these years. So this is not a case of recovering deleted texts or emails. I think this is quite telling. I do not want to add to your unbearable pain at tis time, but I believe that she may have been keeping these records in order to relive the affair at her leisure. Keep this in mind when you confront her. She will likely attempt to convince you that she has changed, and that she is no longer the woman who once sought to betray you. The fact that she deliberately kept this shameful memento in such close proximity offers strong evidence to the contrary.

Once again, I am so sorry for your pain. Good luck.

so sorry.

that she would do this is horrible.

tell her to leave.

she may have cheated several times.

My friend past is gone. You cannot do anything about it. Do not suffer thinking why this happened. take steps to make your interets are served as best as you can for your future. getting victimized over and over because of this betrayal only affect you, not your uncaring wife. So pay attent to your other interest s like your job even more.

[This message edited by goalong at 8:19 PM, February 1st (Thursday)]

Praying for you!!!!

As others have said make copies but also include a cloud. See a lawyer. She will be able to tell that something is up. If you don’t want to confront now have a cover story. Like you’re sick or problems at work. Use a real problem at work and make it sound worse.

You have something in common with two other posters. Their wife’s affair was long over when they discovered it. I don’t know about your wife but their wife didn’t end the affair. In one case the affair ended because the other man (OM) died. The other was because the OM dumped her.

AmbivalentOne http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=614285

Having an affair is bad. Having an affair with the husband of a couple that you’re friends with is worse. Having the OM hold your infant daughter and watch her grow over the years is so bad that it’s in another universe.

Whether my wife is faithful to me now or not I don't know

dumbfounded74

If you want to know her true feelings today you might want to put a voice activated recorder (VAR) where she talks on the phone. Under her car seat with Velcro is a good place.

Do this before you confront her. She may call friends or a current boy friend to discuss her problem. You may find out if she loves you or is just staying with you for security.

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:23 PM, February 1st (Thursday)]

So sorry to read your story and what you have been put through. Did you feel in the past few years something was up with your marriage? Did you think she was being distant and cold at times that made you question if something was wrong? Or did you always think your M was well and you were never questioning anything? As others said, you need a VAR to learn the truth. The POSOM is no more in this universe and if she is genuinely remorseful you might have a chance to R in the long run. Keep us posted, sending you strength and patience.

Hi Dear

I Did not read all the replies

But i just want to tell you that please

Don't leave your daughter

And there is no need for dna test.

You should not give a damn about DNA.

Ok

There is absolutely a mandate to get a dna test, if not just for potential health history reasons of the child.

Don't reveal this site. Have a var ready just in case and use it. Tell her you know of a and then wait for her to respond, don't give away video til she's had her chance to lie or be honest.

Hey man, please update us on how it went last night. I’m sure it was a nightmare no matter which way it went.

There are a lot of people here for you. Lean on them. Everyone here has gone through something similar to you, so this is a good place to vent, get advice, whatever. We all know how you feel. Almost every one of us has been sitting where you are now, and we hurt for you. We know the pain of this, and we all hate seeing it happen to others. I think all of us would be very happy if that member count stopped growing, but it does, every day.

That’s why we stay here. To help people like you who’ve just gotten hit by the same truck that hit us in the past.

Only a couple of things I’d say here: She is your daughter. IDGAF how she came to be, you are her father, and she needs to never have to worry about that.

Lastly, I hate to say this, but this is going to be a LONG road. Whether you leave her or reconcile, it’s a process that you will spend the rest of your life on. There will be good days, bad days, and days you just want to die. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but that’s just what it is. No matter what path you take, this is going to be a battle for a long long time.

I read somewhere that there are, for all of us, markers in life. Be it marriage, hardship, infidelity, etc. We all have these markers: “Before this, and after this.” You just got a big one, labeled “February 1st, 2018: the day I found out about her infidelity “.

Mine is dated “October 1st, 2015”. I’m still here. You will be too.

For what it's worth, there are kits you can buy that have you swab the inside of your mouth and your daughter's, and you send the test swabs back to their lab for analysis and a DNA report.

I used those kits for my kids. It is easy and inexpensive. I told the kids I was doing a DNA test (which was kind of true) so you can do a paternity swab and a 23-and-me swab at the same time if you want a cover story to get the kids freaked out.

You have been given a lot of good advice already. I hope the confrontation went okay last night. What a horrible situation to be in.

I will say that you should download a VAR app to your phone, and quietly record all conversations you have with your wife on this subject. The only reason I say this is because it's a highly charged, emotional subject, and I know my memory of things is hazy from the days when I just found out, and this advice was some that I was glad that I was given, as stories changed down the line.

I logged back in today to post an update on my situation. Figured I’d read a few posts quickly and move on! Not the case I’m here for a reason! Let me share it from my perspective. I am the product of an affair my mom had that just recently was brought to light 45 years later!

I found out through Sibling DNA testing late Dec that I am not biologically related to the man I called dad for 45 years. I was not really shocked because for years and years I suspected it. I am very different than anyone in my family. I’ve never fit in. I have a completely different personality and don’t look anything like my 3 sisters. Everyone I grew up around teased me I was the mailman’s from a very young age. When I was 5, I watched my mom being caught with her pants around her ankles in her bedroom cheating with a man by my “dad”. “Dad” is who raised me. Shortly after that our family stopped being friends with this family. From a very early age I was treated very poorly by my “dad”. He called me the Ugly Duckling. He beat me with his belt buckle and left welts on my body. He called me a tramp, bitch, whore,, slut in my teens (I was a good kid with straight As and didn’t start going out with friends till I was 17). His parents died and left me a nice amount of money. For the last 7 years he has said several times “you shouldn’t have gotten the _____ money. I didn’t know what it meant but things started to all piece together which is what led me to ask my sister to do the DNA test. This was an accredited lab I used and is used in Canada’s court systems and Immigration Canada. I got the results back 3 days before Christmas 2017. Since then I started therapy. Last week I confronted my parents and told them I know about me being the product of an affair. I asked for my fathers name, even though I already know it’s the man my “dad” caught her with when I was 5. At first she denied it and said I was a liar, it didn’t happen. She told my sisters I was crazy and to delete the texts as she had like it never happened. When I heard this I was mad. I sent a follow up email and pushed them into a corner. Give me the name, agree to a paternity test OR I will take out an ad in their local paper seeking any info about my biological father. I also said I’d send a letter to this man and ask for a DNA sample. My “dad” sent a letter in response to my email. It was abrasive but he acknowledged I am not his. From the letter I’m not sure if he too is just getting this confirmation at the age of 77. My mom refuses to speak about it to me and has cowered in the corner like she’s the victim. I have not spoken to them since last May cause he burst into a raging fit in my home for no reason. All of this recent communication is by text or email. So here we - two hurting souls trying to wade through a very messy situation. He says I have nothing to gain from contacting my real dad. I say that’s not true. I’m not sure I want a relationship with this man but I know I have 2 brothers. I also am married and have two children. It’s important to me to have that side of the family’s medical history. I’m very angry and I guess this is what I want to share! Your daughter and you are the victims in this. I hope you treat her the same as you did when you didn’t have this information. BUT most importantly when your daughter is old enough and mature enough to understand, she should be told that she has a different dad. She should be told she has other siblings and those relationships should be encouraged to flourish. I can speak from experience when I say I feel cheated out of knowing my 2 brothers (I had 3 sisters)! The biological dad I’m swaying back and forth on. The jerk cheated with my mom. Yet I didn’t have a relationship with my “dad”.

Through counseling I have three more questions for my parents and then I’m ending the chapter with them, closing that book. At first I thought it was important to nurture the relationship with my new discovered brothers but in reality I need to repair the relationship with my husband who had an affair on me 4 years ago. We’ve never discussed or worked through it. I struggle with feeling worthy, fitting in and having relationships. I have been an unhappy person since my husband had the affair. The two situations are meshing together right now and causing me tremendous pain. I am numb. Please please please consider your daughters feelings in this, now and as she gets older. Please don’t keep this as a secret from her. The TRUTH always finds its way out as you’ve discovered! As much confusion and hurt it would of caused I wished my mom would of been honest with my “dad”. I wish they would of told me so I didn’t have to find out this way. You deserve to know the truth but more importantly your daughter deserves to know! If you want to pm me to keep your thread away from my situation feel free! My “dad” could understand the pain you are feeling. I am an older version of your daughter and I NEVER would want her to feel what I’m feeling right now. Never!

Hi everyone. Thanks again for all the advice, support, and info. It is really helping me.

Smart or dumb, I knew I couldn't keep things to myself last night. I had to confront my wife. I arranged for my daughter to go to a neighbor's house for a while when she got home from school. To keep things clear, I'll call the other man Dave, Jen is my wife, and Amanda is our daughter.

I don't remember the exact sequence of everything or exactly what was said between Jen and me, but I'll try to describe what happened. She asked what was wrong as soon as she came home. I guess it showed on my face. I said, "Yes, I found out today there's something wrong. Wrong between us, and there has been for a long time." I took Skan's advice in terms of just calmly sitting her down and asking her if there was anything she wanted to tell me about our old friend Dave. I said I'm giving you a chance to be completely honest for once.

There's one thing my wife knows about me, and that is I never confront anyone about anything unless I've got them dead to rights. I'm that way with neighbors, friends, everybody. She knew I had found out and I could prove it. Her eyes started to tear up and she glanced upward for a second at the ceiling toward where the storage room is upstairs. I didn't say anything. I had made hard copies of the emails as someone here advised. I handed them to her. She really started crying then and said, "What were you doing around my grandmother's cabinet anyway?" I didn't let her change the subject.

I told her to start at the beginning. She said Dave had come on to her several times and she resisted. Then one day she didn't resist. She said I just didn't seem very interested in her during that time (I wanted to defend myself against this, but I didn't want to get off track), and that she just thought it would be a short term thing to satisfy her needs. Before she knew it they were meeting whenever they could. I said, "Yeah, I know, I saw the videos."

She kept crying and saying she was so sorry. She insisted it was the only time she ever cheated. I said, "How do I know you're not cheating with somebody right now? What's in your iphone, care to show me?" She did show me and told me the passwords. There was nothing incriminating in there, of course that's no proof of anything. She said she loves me, and never stopped loving me, even when she was with him. That just made me angrier, but I tried not to show it.

I said, "Ok, you've told me this much. However you answer this next question won't make things any better or any worse. Tell me the truth, Jen. Did you conceive Amanda by me or him." She took a deep breath and said she was pretty sure it was him. She said that she and I weren't having sex much at during that time. I snapped back with how I was at a rough point in my career then and I was dead tired every night. She broke down again and I just tried to calm down. Neither of us said anything for awhile.

Finally I said, "Why did you save that flash drive? It makes no sense." She said that Dave broke off the relationship about two months before he was killed in the accident. He supposedly had a change of heart and rededicated his life to the church (I do remember him talking about getting back to church around that time -- turns out he had a damn good reason to). She said she left the emails and clips on her old computer, but had no intention of saving them for good, and then he died. She said when she heard about his death, she copied them all to the flash on the spur of the moment. I said you must have loved him then. She said no, she cared for him but it wasn't love.

She asked if I could ever forgive her, even though she knew she didn't deserve it. I said I didn't know. She tried to touch me and I walked away. She kept crying on and off for most of the evening. When Amanda came home she knew something was wrong, but we both tried to comfort her and told her it was nothing she should worry about.

We both stayed at the house, but slept in different bedrooms last night. She went off to work as usual, but my workplace will be closed till Monday. I slept most of this morning. I was exhausted. I've just been turning things over in my mind.

Folks, I wouldn't blame any of you if you think I'm stupid, but there's a part of me that wants to try to reconcile. I know what she did was horrible, but I did love her with all my heart until yesterday. It's too early I guess to know how I really feel now. I don't know how much of what she said I believe, but I don't want to go too fast in any direction. I am seeing a lawyer today in case I do decide to go forward with a divorce.

You aren't stupid at all and you handled it like a champ!