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So she refuses to give OM up, she's showing pregnancy symptoms, and she's moving out? Sorry, PZ. Sounds like your marriage is over and she knows she is probably carrying OM's kid. She will definitely contact him as soon as she safely can.

I'm sure you already know that if she is pregnant, you need to make sure that she acknowledges that you are NOT THE FATHER! (and try to sound like Maury Povich when you say that)

You should start the 180 now and work with your attorney to file as soon as you can.

No advice. This is just sad.

PZ, I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you’re facing this situation. Just a couple of questions”

Early in you stated that YOU have a kid and that she wanted to take the child to the country....the way this is worded sounds as though this is not her biological child. Is this the case?

Can you describe her demeanor when she returned and the confrontation began?

Could this be an exit affair or do you think she has deeper feelings for the OM?

Also, has she indicated that she “thinks” this is yours or is that a ruse?

Wow, what a shitty situation .

KG

Posting as a member

Hopefully you know this already. I am not an attorney, but in some states, "condition," (sp?) is a thing. Meaning if you have sex with her after you discovered the A you can't file under adultery. You've condoned it by forgiving her by sleeping with her.

Keep your sane mind in control. She is not someone who has your best interests at heart.

Keep your guard up. Buy a VAR and keep it on you at all times. Record those convos. You would not be the first BH to be accused of spousal abuse.

Document, document, document. Provide all to your attorney.

This was an exit affair.

She just showed me a letter that she wrote bafore the affair, in which she complains about all I failed to do in this marriage, and confirms that she checked out a year ago. Now she refused the post-affair contract, cited Esther Perel as justification, and refuses to use any of the computers at home.

This affair was just her way of asking for a divorce. She even expressed sorrow when it turned out she was not pregnant.

I am snowed in today, so I had to reschedule appointment with attorney, but yeah. This is the end.

You were all right.

I'm sorry. It is unfortunate that she couldn't have had the conversation with you before the A that was in the letter and allowed you to skip all of this pain. You'll get through this. Take care of yourself and concentrate now on your rights and being able to handle your responsibilities post-Divorce.

Very sorry to hear. So she had no interest in going to MC, that was just a ploy. In my opinion you still need to expose the affair. Inform the OM’s spouse. Expose her to family and friends. What she did was 3xremely cruel. Her cheating is not your fault in any way. She had lots of avenues to express her dissatisfaction with the marriage.

Take care of yourself and your son. Detach. Eat healthy, workout, and put one step in front of the other.

Very sorry to read your last... not that it will change the outcome... but there is no such thing as exit affair.. it's an excuse for the fog they feel and to attempt and right their wrongs as they want out to get that chemical high with their new partner. Cheating is an addiction. Think about had you never pushed or investigated, in that how long the A would have gone on? This is a huge fallacy with many BS in understanding the reasons for cheating. It's always about having the support IE "mundane" and then have the "vacation" IE selfishness.

I would put money that this letter is another ploy which really does not matter at this point but it is there to try and justify herself against what she did. The typical "i cheated because he was not doing what i wanted, he did not make me happy" bullsh!t. vs logical attempts like counseling or controlled separations or even divorce... nope because cheating is a very different animal.

cheating is not and will never be because of marriage issues or issues with yourself. Please understand this and use it to help build a new you with confidence and knowing that what she did to you is all about her and what broke inside her.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by atreides at 10:07 PM, January 18th (Thursday)]

Posting as a member

This affair was just her way of asking for a divorce.

It never ceases to amaze how cowardly a WS can be. Further did it really take hurting you in this way to get what she wanted ?

I hurts now, but I think your life will begin to be so much better without this toxic person in your life.

Take time and mourn. Follow through with the D. Leverage any guilt she might have to get a favorable outcome for you and your son. If you can file on the grounds of adultery in your state I would do so.

Even if you change it later you can always use that as a powerful bargaining chip.

As much as your heart aches, you are saving yourself from a whole passel of further heart ache.

Time for you to get into a protective mode for yourself and your future. Put yourself in the hands of a good atty that you click with and let them use their expertise for the best financial outcome possible.

We are here for you.

Man, PZ. Really sorry.

We HATE being right. But better that you know now then having this drag on for months or even years.

Keep up with that attorney visit and put this in your rear view as quickly as possible.

Best of luck to you. Sending you strength, dude.

I too am sorry you are dealing with this. Like numb said, it still amazes me that so many waywards can't address the issue and D prior to the A. I don't understand why they can't have enough respect for themselves to act this way. I guess it's hard for me to understand the lack of morals. But yet, many of them will tell the BS's how sorry they are. This to me is total crap. Acting in this way is completely selfish and shows a total lack of concern for your spouse and their feelings.

This was an exit affair.

No, she just got caught, that’s all.

The affair had nothing to do with you or your marriage - please know this.

She didn’t do this with the intention of ending the marriage.

If she actually, honestly wanted out of the marriage then she would have simply talked to you about separating and/or divorcing rather than talking about having another child with you.

She got caught betraying her own family and is spinning it in any way she can to minimize guilt and find justification where there is no justification.

Your goal now is to take care of you and your child and ONLY you and your child.

It may be difficult to realize this right now but be assured that, in the end, you will be much better off and much happier with this person no longer in your life.

Can you see the contradictions in her story and timeline?

You two have been talking about a new kid and have been working towards that goal.

When did that work start? When did you two start the conversation about having another child? Has that conversation been ongoing?

Before or after she tells you, she’s been unhappy for years?

Nah… That letter is justification and not the truth.

She just showed me a letter that she wrote bafore the affair, in which she complains about all I failed to do in this marriage, and confirms that she checked out a year ago.

PeriodicZen

The letter may have written before the affair or last week. It’s quite common for people to demonize their marriage to justify their affair and feel less guilty. Some don’t even realize how bad their marriage is until they start talking to AP. So don’t take all she wrote to heart.

Now, she swore that they just had sex with condoms.

This affair was just her way of asking for a divorce. She even expressed sorrow when it turned out she was not pregnant.

PeriodicZen

I disagree. You can just have an affair and confess if you want an excuse to divorce. You don’t have to get pregnant by another man and hide it. Why lie about the affair or the condoms?

She may have wanted to divorce you someday but she wanted to pass the OM’s kid off as yours first. That’s the lowest thing that I’ve heard of. Affairs are nothing compared to that. She’s truly evil.

keptmyword, you are right!

The move out of the house got nixed after she wole up one night, to find me crying on the floor in the living room. She apologized then, and seemed to understand the pain.

But a few days later, the WWW apologized for the pain that she caused me, not for the EA/PA, but for the pain thath knowing about it caused me.

In other words, WW is sorry she got caught. That's it.

As for her professional fall-out? That's her problem now. I don't care about what happens to her career, and am severing all the formal and informal connections that we shared, where she is the primary contact.

Bigger: The letter timeline is easy: we have been trying for a year, and she has some issues, but the letter - might have been written on the plane back from her trip as a perfect justification.

This week is getting IC, and filling paperwork.

The facts sound clear yo any of us. Take her phone from her. Does she have a password u know. If she is faithful she will give it to you and you can apologize after. If she us unfaithful she will refuse and deny everything. Check her phone texts messages file manager.

My wife gave me hers, but had cleared d everything. What she didn't know is I found the thousands of texts to one number. So I pretended I was her and had the wife f2f texting me everything.

Try to get her phone bills and phone if possible

Destroyed9592, she had deleted everything.

As of now, WW remains ambivalent, and keeps referring to OM as a good person, and someone that might be a perfect soulmate in other conditions.

So, as I referred in a previous thread, still in the fog. I personally consider that OM as a scumbag and a manipulator, but I might be biased. I do need to get the detectives to get the real info on OM. Also, blaming him only would excuse the faults in WW, and she has to own them.

WW is in IC, working though her issues, and, per her words, looking forward to a R.

I made clear that we don't have a marriage to repair yet. We might re-build this, but we don't know yet.

She's finally left her phone unattended, and gave me the key to unlock it. I remain hopeful but wary.

And you wonder, is she sorry she got caught, sorry for the pain she caused, sorry for what she did?

She's sorry for the first two. Yesterday she was still justifying her actions and praising OM for being there to protect her.

Thanks to NC laws, we would have to go through a separation of one year before D, and because monetary issues, that's not an option at the moment. So, we have to work with what we have right now.

I already got a new bank account, lawyer, and IC. Also, we are going to get a post-nuptial, since my in-laws have so nicely suggested that in the past.

Very much unknown what are we going to do right now. I keep monitoring her, and we talk every night with as much disclosure and vulnearability as we can muster.

Apparently, she put aside the Perel books and is now seeing my pain, and perhaps recognizing hers as well.

And that's the kicker: I can see her pain, same that she refuses to acknowledge. Our kid is savvy enough to understand that there is something serious going on, and he's constantly sad now (Yes, we have a psychologist for the kid now). I keep going to the gym and strictly adhering to my diet.

What about the 180? What I learned from that and many other sources is that, once you ackowledge that your partner is not your partner anymore, that you are alone, that all this ended, it is easier to go through life without pining for the past: WW understands that what I do with this gym and diet, is not for her, but for me, and that whatever professional and personal collaborations we had, ended. She has to earn my trust now, with actions, and we still far away from that.

Oh,yeah, I do have issues as well, and that's why I am going to IC. I don't care if she does, or if she seeks a good therapist, because that's her problem now. We are not partners anymore.

Practicing that intentional self-reliance is interesting. I get more power and reclaim more of my own person. For exmaple, when I mentioned the gym she asked me to get muscular, because that's what attracted her many years ago: I simply told her that this time, cardio and lean is my thing. That insignificant and small step was, though, a tiny victory against the insidious and interfering objections that always appear.

As for R, we will see.

Practicing that intentional self-reliance is interesting. I get more power and reclaim more of my own person.

A thousand times...YES! Good for you. Hard to achieve, so satisfying.