SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One little thing is that she has started apologizing more about it. Yesterday she only blamed me once for her A.

Ok, either he is the dreamy McDreamboat twin flame and it was "fate" that they had an affair OR it was all your fault and you pushed her to have an affair with someone she doesn't deem as the dreamy McDreamboat twin flame.

So, next time she lights another blameshift match on you immediately blow it out and tell her something along the lines of - "Look, you either think it was all my fault or you and that POSOM were meant to be together. You can't have it both ways. If you two are meant to be together then it was 'fate' instead of 'blame'. If it was fate then ask yourself what the hell is still keeping you here? Ask yourself why isn't POSOM moving mountains to come steal you away? I don't want to know the answer to that BTW. The only answer I want from you right now is if you will abide by my boundaries and requirements to work on our R. Other than that, keep your affair rationalizations to yourself and your IC."

Why, because you don't have to put up with her rubbing her A into your face everytime that little conscience of her's reminds her who is really to blame for the affair.

Remember, it isn't you that should be doing the pick me dance. It is she that needs to be doing the pick me dance.

There was a great posting that is floating around here about how you deal with a wayward spouse that "wants" the AP by basically giving them exactly what they want. Then, all of a sudden what they want so bad isn't so desirable anymore because it is so easily available. If anyone else can post it I think it really applies in PeriodicZen's situation.

PZ, what do you do for a living... or what do you want to do?

Periodic

Thank you for sharing.

I can’t grasp the idea of your WW going back to the place of her betrayal while telling you that she wants to stay in the M. How does she explain this? Is it simply that she wants the convenience of having the benefits you provide and her Sex toy both?

Just hard to grasp.

Sharkman, I was in IT, and now trying to get back as data analyst or business analyst after a while of being out of the job market, with only a few projects here and there.

It has not been easy.

Interesting development, and one that all of you had suggested. After a little more TT, I festered for a day or two.

I stopped having conversations, and simply told WW that a) She lies, lies and lies. I don't trust her anymore. b) Stop blaming me for the A. Own up ot it, it is her fault. c) AP is a scumbag, and stop defending him. d) She doesn't get to decide what is being NC. Checking social media status is maintaining contact, still being in the affair. e) We are starting separation now.

Over the rest of the day WW started crying and begging like I have never seen before, showed me her phone and deleted AP contact from there, and showed me how all her accounts and passwords are all already open in my computer. Apparently, the reality of a separation started the flow of consequences and hardship to all of us that it entails, and that made her face reality.

She seems to get, now, that her little trip is a two year ordeal of recovery for me, and was terribly hurt and sorry that her A caused me to not trust her.

It feels better. I told her that, regarding her sexual history with AP, I don't care anymore. That was also a shocker for WW, since that seemed to have the strongest effect in me. Basically, I started to reclaim my space.

WW: "PeriodicZen, I chose you"

PZ: "No, dear WW, if anything, I might choose you. You are not the one choosing here."

Jpbetrayed, a great update... cheers.

That's great! Now keep it up by using good boundaries.

Great work PZ.

The “I chose you” line and sentiment is always a laugher for me. What do they expect us to say to that? Thanks? We feel so lucky? Where is my gold medal?

What are we? It’s like we are an expensive vintage car and they (AP) are the current year’s model that they took for a test drive or leased and decided to return it when they realized they couldn’t make the payments for both.

You’re handling it like a champ.

[This message edited by LetItBeMan09 at 12:05 PM, February 19th (Monday)]

PZ, that was a great reply to "I choose you". I always want to add that was what they supposedly already did. But "I might choose you" is awesome.

e) We are starting separation now.

Carry this through no matter how much she cries and begs. You want her to not only remember the consequences but also feel the pain and loss associated with it. Like I said it is HER turn to do the pick me dance and if she is telling the truth that you are the one she really loves and want back in her life she will take EVERY opportunity to prove it and never waiver. Weak cheaters quit on the work not because it's "too hard" but because they are still selfish and only see it through "what's in it for me?" frame of mind. True empathy is what mot8vates one to stay the course.

Hang in there. This process will take some time and your commitment to remove yourself out of infidelity.

I fear that, if I don't do this, she will simply think of it as a bluff. So, yeah, it's going to be tough.

Also, all I have is her panic attack and her tears, but I need to see a real change in actions before I even start to believe her. There was a little of that yesterday.

Why is so hard for the WS to comprehend that they are not trustworthy anymore? How can't they get the enormity of their betrayal?

My next step is to get legal info on AP and sue for Alienation of Affection here in NC. It doesn't do anything, since AP lives in other country, but if he ever wants to come here, it will show up and mess his visa application, because it is considered as "moral turpitude."

but I need to see a real change in actions before I even start to believe her. 

I think you would want her to change completely to a much better, safer woman than she ever was before. That's the least she can do for you. Otherwise you would try to R with the same broken person.

As for lack of comprehension of their actions just know that waywards began gas lighting themselves with rationalizations far before they try gas lighting their spouses. It takes a while to unfyck their own minds. Which is why IC is imperative before MC. When your WW owns it all that's when you have a chance at R

Your doing great btw.

Why is so hard for the WS to comprehend that they are not trustworthy anymore? How can't they get the enormity of their betrayal?

Because if they did that then they'd have to own up to the fact that, at least for a while (during the A), they were a terrible, horrible, person.

They don't want to be a terrible, horrible, person. Thus the lies, the blameshifting, the TT, all of the rest. It flows from there.

See what happens when you get strong and go your own way. Don't be surprised if she changes her tune later especially if you back down.

Nice job. I bet you wished you done this sooner.

PZ, I may be able to put you in touch with IT positions. I once you get in full swing let me know.

Thanks all.

Thanks, Sharkman, for the offer. I will be messaging you soon.

Yeah, WW has past issues for which she refused therapy, or even to discuss it. Now, part of the conditions is that she goes to IC, and one that addresses all those problems, not only the A.

I am bracing myself for more TT, now. It is becoming more irrelevant, though, as if I am checking out of here with every little lie. Is that normal?

Yes, very normal. As many say here it is actually the lying which kills the M the most. Hopefully, your WW understands that soon enough. If not to save them M then at least to help you heal before you now on.

Jduff, that's right. She has shared in the past situations where others have crossed her boundaries, or simply abused her generosity, and while not excusing her A, this is definitely a thing that she has to address with her therapist.

I am bracing myself for more TT, now. It is becoming more irrelevant, though, as if I am checking out of here with every little lie. Is that normal?

Perfectly normal. Think about it with a person that you just met. They seem nice enough and then you find out that everything that they say to you is a lie. Do you continue to build a friendship, or do you distrust them and pull away?

Lots on here say that it isn't the sex that kills a relationship, it is the continued lies about it.

She is valuing herself and her feelings and her "reputation" with you over you, your feelings, and your need to be told the truth. She has destroyed your "narrative" and that has you reeling.

Your narrative, btw, is that inner belief in how you got to where you are now in life. You trusted that what she told you was true and that got worked into your narrative. Now you find that it isn't true and your narrative is destroyed. That's a heavy emotional and psychological blow. And then she continues...

That makes sense. I started detaching, and I am seeing that her problems are now less my problem and more her doing, and her responsibility.

I did suggest, though, that she gets therapy, and I am insisting on it. That has introduced an element of introspection that was missing here.

Also, how much does the WS greives for the lost A? That seems to have caught WW by surprise.