SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DD was three days ago. I don't know who is this person.

We had been talking about having another kid. She has issues, so the path was arduous.

And then a job trip opened up, off she went, and we kept talking via phone, skype, the works.

We talked about how we would miss the ovulation date, and how that would make us wait another month. NBD, I can wait.

Of course, since she was away, I had to keep track of many things including her cloud account, make copies, and do some editing on some documents she's working on.

And boom! A week after day she was supposed to start ovulation, I see her in a selfie with a guy she works with, and to which she has been referring a lot. I copied the photo, and about a day later she deleted it from the account.

Now, about the selfie: the woman I married is a person that doesn't drink, doesn't party, goes to bed at 10pm at latest, doesn't like pictures in social media, doesn't do selfies and most importantly, abhors physical contact with strangers. Seeing her with this guy was as out of character as seeing a germophobe digging through trash. That photo was in itself shocking. But that also made me remember the last conversation before ovulation day: curt, short, clippy and perfunctory. It was a person that seemed eager to dismiss me.

So, I went to her family phone tracker, because she used to make sure we are all safe at home or at school, and of course, I see her driving to liquor stores late at night, and by her own admission ("via text") partying until 5am. Of course, she says she didn't drink.

There were no more pictures, but her tone in the messages was off, angry, hurtful, accusing, and these all ceased about ten minutes before she headed off to the next party, to the next liquor store, and another in which she drives half an hour to go to an oyster bar before heading to the hotel. The guy - she kept telling me about him - was her driver because he knew the region, and he would be the one driving. So, in every instance, I know that it is this guy driving, and we are paying for it!

The last thing I see is that they are staying at a fancy hotel, and she told me that she had to hire him full time to travel throughout the region. Basically, I seems as she is having her own honeymoon, while I stay home and take care of our kid.

She will arrive in three days, and I am dreading the conversation. She is adept at telling stories (True or not) and making people like her, so I need proof that would be admissible by a lawyer and a judge. At least I need her to acknowledge out loud that she cheated, both for get her to work towards a possible R or, if things don't improve, D and all the attendant custody and alimony issues.

I have read the forums, but besides the need to get a lawyer, a VAR and solid proof that can be admitted in court, I can’t think of anything. Also, I know not to have sex with her at least until a) she gets checked out for STDs, and b) enough time passes so I don’t run the risk of having doubts about the paternity of a possible pregnancy. I know that, realistically, there's a high probability that we will engage in some weird hysterical bonding, so I am preparing a medical excuse to avoid things, at least until I have some more solid proof.

Am I having ideas, am I hallucinating, am I making this stuff up? Surely this intelligent gorgeous dedicated person that I love wouldn't risk everything we have worked so hard for all this time in a mindless ill-advised tryst? Surely she wouldn't risk her professional reputation with a personal illicit relationship with a married man that works under her! Surely she wouldn't try to have sex on ovulation day with a stranger!

I can't sleep, can't eat, am depressed all the time and I really hope I am imagining things, that I am making a storm where there's nothing, that this is all a misunderstanding and that they are all just friends, but there are so many signs out there making a pattern, a pattern so familiar, that it even hurts to think about it.

Thanks for reading this rant.

You are NOT crazy! What you think you see and know is all true and more. If you need more hard proof, you may want to go low key with your pressing her. Go the route of a VAR and other ways you can observe her actions and her online accounts. It will be hard, but she will NOT give up the truth just because you tell her she has to and if you press her, she will likely become more savvy and cautious with her activities, what she says, and her use of new accounts or a dedicated phone.

I am sorry you are hear. But from this point froward you need to be the smart one, at least until you have it locked up in evidence.

There's something about "hide and seek" that brings out the child in people.

Unfortunately, when people never grow up on the inside, but do grow up on the outside, that game often changes into " hide and sex".

And the membership numbers on this site would suggest that there's a LOT of people who have been in the shoes and shits you're fearing that you're standing in right now.

I know for my part that it's possible to clean the mess and replace those shoes...for BOTH of you. But the smell and the feel of that thing....I'm still trying to get past MYSELF.

I hope your worst fears there are all wrong. But if you're right about it all and about her temporary insanity spree, then just know that you can move forward and possibly she can too. It just takes some serious work and honesty and reality checks that don't just bounce.

You will not find this reassuring. Behavioral researchers and pick-up artists alike are aware of this fact: Women are far more likely to engage in risky sexual activity at ovulation time. Her intelligence has nothing to do with it, other factors are more important.

Also, private investigators make a living doing that dirty work for you.

Kinda like undertakers for rose colored glasses, more often than not, but at least you can maybe control the rate and degree of discovery and subsequent trauma you end up subjecting yourself to, if your worst fears end up being true or end up actually exceeding by your own worst imaginations (which is sometimes the case with some of the situations and folks on here).

Surely this intelligent gorgeous dedicated person that I love wouldn't risk everything we have worked so hard for all this time in a mindless ill-advised tryst?

The person you love wouldn't do this, but that is not who you are married to. The person you love is in your mind. The person you are married to is having an affair with with the driver you are paying for, while visiting liquors stores, etc.

the woman I married is a person that doesn't drink, doesn't party, goes to bed at 10pm at latest, doesn't like pictures in social media, doesn't do selfies and most importantly, abhors physical contact with strangers.

She does now. Boy, does she ever.

At least I need her to acknowledge out loud that she cheated...

The moment you need something from her, that gives her control and leverage. You do *not* want her to have any control and leverage. You need her to need something from you. you need to be in control. All the rest is detail.

Sending strength!

You don't need to prove anything in a court. Most courts don't care why or what causes divorces. You need just enough proof to know for yourself.

Hire a pi in the city she's in now on vacation if you must. One half day and he will have proof enough for you. One room? Two?

See if you can get a PI in her area to immediately jump on a case for the next 3 days.

North Carolina (NC) is one of few states where infidelity can factor heavily in divorce. It also allows alienation of affection lawsuits.

Based on what you share then everything indicates infidelity, but you might want more proof. One idea might be to hire a PI in the city she’s staying and getting photos of them, hotel registration or whatever.

Gathering this info is not the same as filing. If you want a chance to reconcile then getting proof of the affair won’t harm that possibility. But IF this ends in divorce then money spent NOW will be a great investment. Plus the threat of divorce for adultery and an alienation of affection lawsuit empowers you tremendously.

You need to listen to Bigger and the previous posters. You MUST get solid proof now.

Even if you have to give an excuse, I would refrain from sex with her when she gets back for at least two reasons:

1. STD

2. The alienation of affection divorce statues in NC can be nullified if it can be proven that you knew she had an A but you continued to have sex with her anyway.

I know it may not be your first thought, but do not think lightly about what the alienation of affection option can do for you in a D if you need it.

Let me guess. She’s around 40 years old.

Even if cheating isn’t a factor in your state you still need more solid evidence. She will swear up and down that they never had sex. You will spend the rest of your life being 90% sure that she did. Now is the time to find out for sure.

PI. Very quickly. If you can't afford it get a loan because without concrete proof she'll gaslight you and make you doubt everything.

Get the proof you need.

Another reason for getting positive proof one way or the other is that whether you reconcile or divorce, the fact is that a man needs one of two things to face his enemies or fears.

1) Seeing. If you have proof that you can see or read or hear, then you can identify your issue or fear or enemy be it the enemy of ignorance and confusion or the enemy of actual adultery and lies and betrayal being committed against you and your marriage and trust.

2) Believing. If you have an indisputable truth or belief that you are entirely certain of and cannot be moved from, then you can identify a lie or fear or falsehood that threatens to undo or undermine you and your confidence.

Without knowing what you absolutely believe about this, you are dealing with fighting not only an "invisible man/ghost" and a question mark for an enemy in addition to your WIFE and your sense of what to do with her and yourself and your marriage...but you're also gonna be fighting against YOURSELF over and over and over in the process as well. And that's waaayyy too many fronts and issues to deal with all at once, especially when you yourself (and the regrets of not finding out what you could when you had the chance) are one of your worst enemies to have to face in sucha civil war as you're currently embroiled in already.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 2:50 PM, January 11th (Thursday)]

3) FIRE. (Not just smoke screens and inhalation but actual fire.) Yet ANOTHER reason for getting positive proof right NOW is that the other two points and reasons even apply to the bewitching and temporary insanity and " amnesia" that so many (if not ALL) waywards seem to develop while drunk with the delirium of adultery and " the fog" they get seemingly possessed by.

Liars are often soooooo good at their game that end up actually believing their OWN BULLSHIT! I know that sounds really crazy, but it was true for my situation and a LOT of others on here in SI.

Having that proof can not only help YOU, but can also help burst their little unicorn-fart-fantasy-bubble about how wonderful and innocent THEY and their special partner-in-crime both are and were during their adultery-drunken binges.

It's like being on LSD for some. They imagine themselves as innocent victims and their partners as being brave knights in shining armor rather than the reckless, brainless, heartless, crash-test-dummies (home& heart wreckers) that they ACTUALLY and in fact really are.

With PI positive proof, the spell gets snapped and broken pretty quick and they tend to wake up and small out of their stupid sleepwalking dream like a slap in the face or a cold water firehouse to the face as opposed to just tuning out all reason and reality and burying their face that much deeper into the pillows and genitals of other men.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 3:08 PM, January 11th (Thursday)]

Please keep us updated you’re going to need a lot of support as you are going through this. It’s amazing the horrible shit people will do to people that they are supposed to love... Please update us...

[This message edited by trojan007 at 3:05 PM, January 11th (Thursday)]

Maybe I missed it....I see the description of her normal behavior is very different from what you are seeing via her skypes and other conversations so....I am not really questioning you on this however: Do you know she is cheating? Did I miss the part that says she slept with or played with this other guy?

I get that it's out of character on the selfie, drinking and partying....that's a major red flag I get it but I would definitely hold out until I got more proof of infidelity.

Also, was there any reason for her being cross or disrespectful on the phone...i.e. arguments, accusations etc?

4) Leverage, Protection/Defense, and Castling.

Definition and example of "castling" in chess:

http://www.chesscorner.com/tutorial/basic/castling/castle.htm

It is very often said that the best defense is a good offense. Among the crazy that often possesses a wayward is the tendency to not only attack the betrayed from behind his/her back with lies and hidden adulteries, but they often go on the offense with false accusations/charges, tantrums, lies, and power plays to protect themselves, their "fantasy Island vacation" they've already paid into and their fudgy-buddy(ies) they've got along for the love boat ride.

When you threaten to sink their lil battleship/titanic cruise ship they're all hot tubbing in, they VERY OFTEN shoot BACK, and with ANYTHING and everything they can get their addicted little hands on too!

But the cold war was won partly by having bigger guns to bring to the poker match with. And having one to brandish if you need a show of strength can be immeasurably helpful to ALL parties involved to not bluff or "cheat" any further, but to show their hands and let their accounts and cards be seen and settled on a relatively honest and bullshit-free manner.

To do this effectively, you gotta wait for the right time to make your move though. This is why I included the link for the chess move. It works best when you have YOUR ducks in a row and the "trap" set to make the bust from a position of power and good timing, while the offender is at their most vulnerable or caught with their pants down and red handed from an argumentative or legal standpoint.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 3:40 PM, January 11th (Thursday)]

5) Damage Control.

Finally, the sooner you pull the fire alarm and put a STOP to the fire that's raging out of control (even if it's just in your own mind and imagination), the less damage and destruction you'll have to clean up and heal and recover from.

And that's even true where your offending " drunk driver" wayward and her co-conspirators and THEIR betrayed spouses/SOn's and kids et all are all concerned as well. Less trauma, less disease, fewer mind movies (for all parties involved, both dreamy or nightmarish), and less collateral and financial damage as well.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 3:48 PM, January 11th (Thursday)]

So why do you need courtroom level evidence? Does your state take infidelity into account when divorcing?

If that's the case it's simple. Not easy. But simple.

Demand a polygraph. If she refuses, assume she screwed the guy, and serve her papers.