SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure if this is appropriate to post here, so Mods please let me know.

But this article is currently on the front page of the CNN website. I read it earlier this morning and literally almost threw my tablet across the room.

I know around here this kind of article does nothing to really help us heal, especially when there's so many body parts still left to be recovered.

Here's a couple highlights:

These women were turning to infidelity not as a way to explode a marriage, but as a way to stay in it. Whereas conventional narratives of female infidelity so often posit the unfaithful woman as a passive party, the women I talked to seemed in control of their own transgressions. There seemed to be something new about this approach.

It's such a precarious balance keeping everyone happy, that for many women, to start a long conversation about her own sexual satisfaction seems like a bad idea. We now tell women that they can have it all, that they can work and have a family and deserve to be sexually satisfied. And then when having it all is miserable and overwhelming or they realize marriage isn't all it's cracked it up to be, maybe having affairs is the new plan B.

There's not one mention of the devastation and pain infidelity causes. Simply justifications and a total condemnation of marriage in this post-feminist society. No hint of how obviously wrong infidelity is.

Most likely written by people who have never been on the receiving end of infidelity no doubt. It brings a different perspective. The article seems to be written from the wayward mindset. Cake eating selfishness without any empathy for their families and no sense of moral responsibility or loyalty.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 7:59 AM, October 5th (Thursday)]

This crap sounds like Esther Perel is at it again.

We now tell women that they can have it all, that they can work and have a family and deserve to be sexually satisfied. And then when having it all is miserable and overwhelming or they realize marriage isn't all it's cracked it up to be, maybe having affairs is the new plan B.

I very much agree that lots of women work their asses off trying to make EVERYONE happy while usually getting little in return. I've lived that very thing most of my life and know many, MANY women who are also living that 'dream' as well.

It seems women are expected to be all things to all people, and we end up neglecting ourselves because we're giving 110% to everyone else and everything else - working, raising kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, menu planning, food shopping and every other chore most women are stuck doing day after day. Sorry, but studies show women are STILL doing the overwhelming majority of domestic work and child rearing even though they're working a full time job just like their husbands.

So I do agree with the fact that a lot women are overwhelmed with work and responsibility and constantly giving of themselves to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes it DOES seem like marriage ain't all it's cracked up to be when you're the one constantly giving 110% day after day after day while the other party is laying on the couch scratching his ass and watching TV or playing video games all night. I'm sure there are probably lots of women who wonder what the hell they thought would be so great about marriage. So I agree with that part of the quote, as well.

But the part I DON'T agree with is the claim that the answer to this self-imposed life of servitude is an affair. Jesus, that's just MORE freakin' work on top of the load a woman's already carrying.

I've heard that same drivel about cheating as a way to stay IN the marriage but attributed to being a reason for why men cheat. I guess it's a universal bullshit justification for all genders.

I keep reading that but I never, ever in my whole life got the message that women could have it all and I'm a feminist from way back. That's a notion put out there by the other side to demonize us.

I ended up being a SAHM. I never, ever, not once, had anyone even hint that I should've done things differently or that let women down, etc. Never. The only person who said something negative was XWH's male chauvinist boss who said "pretty nice gig to marry someone who goes to work while you stay home all day and do whatever you want."

So if you want to have a constructive conversation here, please understand that feminism has nothing to do with it.

The reasons more women are having affairs are many. Social media plays a huge role, easy to find old boyfriends, easy to meet new people, etc. More women work so they're exposed to more men everyday. As a SAHM, I only saw men stacking the aisles in the grocery store and the meter readers (exaggerating to make a point). The other shift in our society is more women drive so if they are interested in an affair, they have a way to meet the AP somewhere. And look at how we raise our kids today - they're in every activity imaginable. And so more women are dropping kids off at soccer practice and she's all dressed up from work and he's in those cute little shorts and maybe a little sweaty and people take note.

All that said, I was in those situations and I never thought about cheating. I could have so easily because my XWH was gone fishing a lot. And bowling. And golf. I had the time, the means and plenty of opportunity. But I didn't do it because I'm me.

Don't blame anything other than the person who violates their vows. They have a flaw, a failing, a hole in them somewhere.

Most likely written by people who have never been on the receiving end of infidelity...

...that they know about.

Nope. Not buying it.

Justification.

A load of crap.

Well gee, isn't that empowering and romantic?

Boil it down and it still says, people have affairs because they are selfish.

Josie,

I'm not blaming feminism at all. I only mention it because there is talk about gender inequality in the article:

the concept of female infidelity as a subversion of traditional gender roles.

I know WW began to vilify me as she began to learn feminism in her recent college courses.

As others here have already mentioned, there's no justification to any of it.

As 1survivor put it,

Cake eating selfishness without any empathy for their families and no sense of moral responsibility or loyalty

[This message edited by squid at 8:53 AM, October 5th, 2017 (Thursday)]

Don't blame anything other than the person who violates their vows. They have a flaw, a failing, a hole in them somewhere.

BOOM

Mic Drop!

Bunch of crap... the reason anyone, man or woman, has an affair is because there is something deep down inside their core personality that makes them think it is OK for them to do what they are doing. At some point every cheater (consciously or subconsciously) does a cost benefit analysis... and make the decision that the benefit of the cheating outweighs the cost. Everything else is just window dressing and excuses. Until a cheater looks deep within themselves, identifies where/what is wired wrong with them and where the sense of entitlement to cheat comes from - they will at their core remain cheaters at their core. Gender is irrelevant.

If the question is why are more women cheating now... my guess is that due to modern divorce law in the US (overall) the social and finacial cost of infidelity has made it less catastrophic for women to exit a marriage. historically women paid a catastrophic price for getting caught cheating.

I very much agree that lots of women work their asses off trying to make EVERYONE happy while usually getting little in return. I've lived that very thing most of my life and know many, MANY women who are also living that 'dream' as well.

It seems women are expected to be all things to all people, and we end up neglecting ourselves because we're giving 110% to everyone else and everything else - working, raising kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, menu planning, food shopping and every other chore most women are stuck doing day after day. Sorry, but studies show women are STILL doing the overwhelming majority of domestic work and child rearing even though they're working a full time job just like their husbands.

I would argue that a huge percentage of cheating wives are NOT this "working their ass off and getting nothing in return" variety. Many, if not most, have husbands who are also working their asses off. The selfishness that allows her to go Wayward likely also shows itself off throughout the marriage.

I've seen it from tons of BHs here. Toiling tirelessly to be a good husband and dad, then the WW cakeeats. Probably only a small fraction have legitimately bad, lazy husbands--and in those cases why aren't they divorcing?

I saw this.

How about because they are selfish, self-centered assholes who can't see past their own needs?

How about because they are selfish, self-centered assholes who can't see past their own needs?

This, of course, is the real reason that a woman (or a man) has an affair.

I think the article is reasonably accurate for my wife. That is, the quote is the lie that she told herself.

Nah it's do to entitlement as associate with someone broken.

Clickbait. Total opinion piece, no facts or real research. Written to generate page views.

Well, it is CNN. Their credibility has dropped so low they'll do whatever to try and get ratings and an audience, any audience.

I think it's the equivalent of Cosmo magazine covers.

"35 Things to Mind Blowing Sex, etc.....

The level of what is considered an acceptable of depravity keeps getting raised by the effort to see who can be the most controversial and to gain the most attention.

You can compare the media to a narcissistic spouse, always in denial, always about them.

STBXWH'S cheating stemmed from his own innate selfishness

You know what.

My elder sister and husband's AP have this exact view.

Both adulterers and excellent excuse makers.

What the quote is saying indirectly is " Of course, the A is the BS's fault."

Unfortunately, blaming the BS for the A is nothing new.

*sigh*

"Misconceptions about A's you had b/4 being cheated on? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=593607&AP=1&HL=

Here's a post I wrote on that thread

"Before the A

The BS must have done SOMETHING to make the CS consider cheating.

That something may be

1) Not enough sex

2) A nag

3) Cold

4) Unsupportive

5)ETC to infinity.

During the A

How can the BS not know that the A is going on ?

How can the BS not spot the signs of an A?

How can the BS not know that they are being lied to ?

After DDay

The BS is dumb for staying with the CS.

The BS is vindictive and unforgiving if they divorce.

It is the BS fault when the BS can't "get over it" within a month or less."

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 11:14 AM, October 5th (Thursday)]

In the end, cheating always comes down to "I wanted to and I thought I could get away with it." The first part can be dressed up with all sorts of justifications, and the second part has its own variations, but from 50,000 feet it's all the same.