SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have always believed there are 3 basic elements necessary to have an affair:

1. Motivation

2. An available AP

3. Lack of Personal Boundaries

These types of worthless articles tend to focus on the motivation aspects of the affair. Most of us have heard it all before, the WS is dissatisfied with their life and/or marriage, they rewrite the marriage history, demonize their BS, and then become the victims of their own choices. Blah, blah, blah!

This is why having strong personal boundaries is the most important aspect to preventing affairs. Someone that believes infidelity, lies, and betrayal are wrong will stop themselves from having an affair, regardless of their circumstances. They will find a way to maintain their integrity without leaving a wake of destruction and suffering in their path. Of course, these types of articles never go there. They might as well be advertisements for Ashley Madison.

Well, I find it so sad that there could ever be an article to damaging to people. Who writes that kind of crap?

My impression of society has been so jaded since DDay, and well, this article just adds another layer. I am so sick of infidelity being romanticized and made out to "improve marriages". I am so sick of people thinking infidelity is okay and not that bad instead of soul crushing.

I don't understand how anyone could ever get to the point that they could tell themselves that hurting someone they say they love is ever okay.....even if they don't know about it ....YET.

I mean, of course, you need to get laid on the sly with someone other than your spouse in order to feel good about yourself right?

You couldn't possibly feel good about yourself without someone sticking their dick in your right? What does that actually say about the general public now?

I hope this isn't OT, but damn! Haven't these people heard of STDs? The only bodily fluids my H exchanged with the skank were their salivas.

Do you know how many serious diseases you can get from open-mouth kissing? Plenty, including syphilis.

Disgusting!

When I was a kid, I used to read women's magazines in doctors' waiting rooms. Half the time I'd read crap about, 'I'm cheating, and it's improving my M' and, yes, 'My A is keeping me happy in my M.'

These cra justifications for cheating have been with us constantly. It's not new. The article is just the same old bullshit.

And I almost hope these women's Hs are cheating to make their Ms stringer, too.

I hate bad statistics, bad history, and bad editing.

(signed) sisoon wearing his historian hat

Trying to understand infidelity is worthwhile. The reasons that men and women are unfaithful is a legitimate subject for exploration. People ought to feel free to discuss possible explanations for infidelity without being condemned for "justifying affairs".

In particular, there must be some way to support unfaithful spouses who are willing to try to answer questions about why they had their affairs.

Lots and lots of people have affairs. They can't all be narcissistic scumbags.

I tell my children (who are all grown and married) that you cannot fix relationship problems by bringing a third person into the marriage. Cheating always causes worse problems eventually. Your marriage does not improve by screwing someone outside the marriage. Your communication with your spouse does not improve by going to a third party to communicate.

I hate the "all is fair in love and war" adage (which, by the way, only seems to be quoted by people who want to justify bad behavior) because both fail to consider the consequences to the innocent. And that is not fair whether in love or war. I say all the time that if you must destroy an entire group of people in order to be happy, there is something wrong with what makes you happy. If your desires are more important than the destruction you will cause, there is something wrong with you. If you cannot think past your own genitals to all the people in your life who will be affected by your happiness, you should be seeking professional help long before you should consider rubbing those genitals up against another person.

I don't think someone who is unhappy in his/her marriage should stay in that marriage without resolution. But an unhappy marriage does not get fixed with an affair. And anyone who thinks it does has never been betrayed.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 2:01 AM, October 6th (Friday)]

I read the article.

"I'm nicer to my husband when I have something special going on that's just for me."

Yeh, right. My wife was a perfect saint when she was having her affair. Our marriage could not have been any better. And yes, she didn't tell me about her affair because she didn't want to hurt me. How noble of her. How sacrificing. She did it for us. I'm so lucky. And yes, please go have another and don't tell me about it.

Really?

This is like interviewing an active drug user why he or she will not choose to stop using drugs. You get back irrational rationalized beliefs mangled into brains to relieve cogitative dissonance. It makes them feel better and they actually believe it. And when the interviewer/writer doesn't know any better, you get an article suggesting these mangled ideas are possibly true.

When considering what is true, let's not forget the value of honor, commitment, and courage.

When considering what is true, let's not forget the value of honor, commitment, and courage.

Perfectly said. I would also add loyalty.

I think this is complete bullshit for the most part. I believe that most WW's cheat because they crave attention and their AP showers them with ego kibbles which they trade for sex. I have read hundreds of examples of WW's and this seems to be the most prominent theme for the most part. I am sure there may be a small minority of women who are not sexually fulfilled in their marriage and who may have a bigger sex drive than their husbands but I think this is a very small minority.

I wouldn't put much merit into anything Esther Perel says. She's the most pro-adultery relationship "expert" you'll ever find. She's a huge adultery apologist.

Is adultery really "more common" now among women or is it not just so hidden?!?

Edited to add - LOL - not really looking for answers....

[This message edited by gonnabegr8 at 8:08 AM, October 6th (Friday)]

The weird thing about Perel's article is she talks about good friends of hers that are secretly cheating on their husbands. One of them, she said, has twins at home. Now I'm no Sherlock Holmes but would the husband of this woman know that she's friends with Perel and that they have twins? It seems Perel gave away too much info and this dude should be able to figure it out pretty quick.

Lots and lots of people have affairs. They can't all be narcissistic scumbags.

Not all. Most though.

Edited: Some are remorseful, reformed narcissistic scumbags.

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 8:51 AM, October 6th (Friday)]

I think a LOT of them are narcissistic scumbags. The rest are just plain old scumbags.

Or at least people who are never going to be satisfied with anything long term. You see again and again the same person cheating on the next partner, and the next....and yet never stopping to think that maybe the problem lies with them rather than marriage per se, or their (multiple) partners.

Lots and lots of people have affairs. They can't all be narcissistic scumbags.

Probably an obvious question, but are all cheaters narcissists? And do all NPD's cheat? Probably not. I know that most WS's have some emotional/mental deficiency that they're not willing to confront or reform.

I can't believe that any WS can be thinking rationally and logically and make such choices. It's one thing to think of something. But deciding to act on it is something else. Weak boundaries factor into that. No one in their right mind would/should cheat. Except sociopaths. I'm ranting here.

I think Esther Perel is a narcissist I think maybe?

Its likely that the stories are all made up to push her agenda.

Only people looking for an excuse to cheat, would believe that drivel.

Lots and lots of people have affairs. They can't all be narcissistic scumbags.

Are they all narcissistic scumbags?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Maybe each to varying degrees.

But if they are narcissistic or not is not really the point.

They are ALL adults.

They are ALL fully aware of what is fundamental right and wrong.

They ALL know they are betraying the person they gave their greatest vow that they would never betray.

They are ALL dishonest.

They are ALL deceitful to their spouse and children.

They ALL know they would NEVER want, under any circumstances, anyone to betray them the way they are betraying others - especially those they vowed to never betray.

This is ALL true about ALL adulterers.

Does that make them "narcissistic scumbags"?

What names some may call them doesn't matter.

What matters is what is true about them.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 1:23 PM, October 6th (Friday)]

^^^ Fuckin' A, keptmyword.

I'll buy the "it helps my marriage" angle only when the person saying it has also been up front and offered to carve out time and relationship space for their spouse to have their own affair.

Way too many people think infidelity is cool when they get to compare their spouse to their boyfriend/girlfriend and talk about how the competing attention makes them feel fulfilled. Then they seem to hate the shit out of it when they're the one having to do the competing.

(There's a reason that when a WS shows up on a site like this, within a week or so after D-Day, they're already doing the "is my spouse going to have an RA? That's not going to help our situation!")

ETA: I would like to meet one of these do-it-all wives who has a husband who sits back and does nothing but be another child. This doesn't resonate with any marriage I've been in or seen in my social group, except for maybe my parents' marriage...but they're a different generation.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 3:50 PM, October 6th (Friday)]

Oh please, give me a break. I am a SAHM and do everything on the home front and have always put everyone above me. I was with held sex during my WH's A and my needs were no where near being met. Hell, they still aren't. Am I out or was I out having an affair of my own? No.

How about the fact some women are just flat out mean, dumb bitches that get off on choosing another woman's man and if she feels like screwing him does everything she can to make it happen? She gets into a competition of sorts unbeknownst to the wife of course, and becomes the WH's plaything. Manipulating and acting in a way to lure him in further. Nothing but cold calculating bitches.

As far as feminism is concerned, really? So women degrading themselves, performing sex acts with the AP that they never would consider with their husbands is feminism? Or better yet maybe acting like a bunch of frustrated wanna be porn stars, and taking pictures and making videos of themselves and their A sexual encounters doesn't exactly come across as female empowerment. They're making our gender a joke. There certainly is no shortage of women on social media willing to bare it all. For what? Do women today have any self respect left at all? You can be sexy without being a vulgar pig.

I don't give a damn what the reasoning is. There IS and NEVER will be a reason for doing something so selfish, disrespectful, hateful, and low as having an A with another woman's husband that is acceptable.

They can have it all. Yeah, they can also have an ass beating by a BW.