SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry for the crap your WW has put you through. Your story is about as bad as I've heard around here.

He then suggested that we take him out drinking and dancing and I could be the designated driver. I discovered later that he was hoping for a threesome with me and my wife.

This guy sounds more like a gigalo than a 'Christian social worker'. In what world would you ask a married womans spouse what you were asked? It begs the question of what disparaging remarks your WW told this umm... 'gigilo', that would lead him to believe that you would be up for that kind of vileness? Seriously if this happened in my neck of the woods it would have ended up on the evening news. You've got tremendous restraint. Yep... lawyer up and run like your life depended on it... and the way your story has unfolded perhaps it does.

So sorry for the pain you are in, 36 years is a lifetime. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL!!

'Sorry I got caught' says it all. She has no remorse at all.

Listen to everyone but be patient in making your own mind up.

The good news is you found this site, we have all experienced the agony betrayal brings. You will find the best support and advice in the world here. Keep posting and take the practical steps, get IC, drink plenty of water, eat healthy, and do whatever you need to do to get through each day. Be kind to yourself this is a traumatic time, it is the worst pain but you will get through this. Time heals.

Sending you strength and hugs!!!

36,

Gently here.

I know you are dealing with a horrible situation and you are doing as well as can be expected.

I get that in your mind, you are trying to reconcile because you are often thinking about your wife of 36 years rather than the monster she has been for the last 2 months. However, I am sure that the monster of the last 2 months has caused irreparable damage to what you two built up over 36 years.

Keep in mind that it is not your job to fix what has happened, it's hers. It's also not your job to figure out what happened, it's hers.

The bigger questions are

1) Can you ever get over it. If you can't, don't reconcile. Think 10 years, 5 years, 3 years down the line and project.

2) At any point over your 36 years, reflecting back, do you think she may have done this before ?

3) How do you get over her being infatuated so much that she wanted you dead ?

4) Part of the equation is what she did for the 13 days she was out of the house while you were suffering. Do you have any idea ?

5) Even if you take her back, you will have difficulties trying to figure out how you measure up to the OM sexually and what she is thinking about when you two do have sexual relations in the future. Trust me, this happened with me. Are you ready for that ?

6) Her lack of guilt and remorse and her arrogant attitude reflects on her character. If she is potentially R material, she needs to be brought to her knees.

I am not the most pro-R person and couldn't in your case.

Please, moving forward, keep in mind that while you have kids, any decisions from here on out are yours and yours alone. So often, I see the WW try to turn the kids against the betrayed. I see kids trying to keep the parents together even at the detriment of the betrayed. There are other ways for them to support the parents without forcing this.

Have you kept in mind what is really in this for you to stay ? Positives vs negatives ?

Here are my suggestions

1) 180, people say this is to work on you and it really is. Yes there are other benefits of it. You find out really fast what the WW's intentions are and it is a good way to put the pressure on them to leave due to the discomfort and BTW, YOU NEED TO GET HER OUT. As another poster said, she is a danger to you now and is still in the affair, despite what she is saying.

2) Protect your assets legally. Hire a good attorney and protect what you can. Ensure you have enough for a good divorce attorney.

3) Beware of the dreaded false DV order. Your wife may see it all falling apart and may try to lie and get desperate to keep her lifestyle afloat. She has already lied before. Could you imagine you out of the house and this guy with your wife in your house ? Don't let that be you !!

4) Expose this cult that they have. Expose them all to their spouses. Exposure helps these people's spouses realize what is happening and let's them stop it, makes them safe and blows up this guys world and maybe some of theirs and while many here say to expose to end the affairs, I have no hesitation to expose to damage serial cheaters and AP's. Holy crap, a Christian Social Work organization behaving a s a brothel is mind shattering.

5) Get that attorney consultation. Hire a good one.

6) I like what you did by instilling an immediate consequence by taking her off of life insurance. Now she's scared and will try to get back on it. Keep her scared.

7) You need to prepare for the 'wolf in waiting' trap. She's sticking around and may still be plotting against you. Do you have any VARs installed ? PI hired ? Lawyers informed ?

8) When that guy came by and thought he could entice you guys into a threesome, did he do this thinking that she was single ? Did she set that up ? Or is he that brazen ?

On a final note, this OM is a complete predator. I am guessing your wife is about 56-60 years old. Players like this guy usually go for younger prey so this guy is using your wife to get into your pocket. This in no way shape or form is critical of your wife's appearance as we all feel that our wives are enormously attractive. It is just reality and this is more the reason to batten down the finances and get her out. Being cheated on is bad enough and the mind movies you have I would be having too and it would be ripping me apart. Being set up for this is horribly painful too

It was at that point that I stood up and politely said, "I've has enough. I can't stay in a marriage with someone who cheats, takes no responsibility, refuses accountability and then decides my not trusting her is my problem alone."

Like a boss.

I loved her "narcissist" comment.

Projection much??

This IS one of the worst WS stories I've read here.

The upside is that she isn't trying to fake remorse. She's completely unremorseful and hoping you'll just suck it up and be ok with that. Unlike many BS's here - you know from the start exactly what/who you are dealing with.

Looks like she has a thing or two to learn about you.

I think I really need help.

Yesterday we agreed to take a day off from this situation, go out to eat, come home and talk like adults without focusing on the affair.

It started out as an ok evening. Dinner was fine. WE came home, had a glass of wine, sat on the couch and talked for awhile. When the evening ended I told her I would sleep on the couch. She invited me into OUR bedroom and said we can sleep side-by-side without doing anything. I foolishly agreed.

We lay there together and I had couldn't sleep. Somewhere in the night she rolled over and began to get amorous.

Then something went off in my brain like a huge flash of light and I couldn't see just her anymore, I saw her with the asshole on top of her pumping away and her moaning. It was like watching a horror movie.

I jumped out of bed and went into the other room and tried to sleep on the couch, but I couldn't get all the images out of my mind. I feel like I am going insane. I'm not sure what triggered that or if it is going to happen repeatedly, but I'm starting to feel like a soldier coming home from war to discover he has PTSD.

Is this normal?

Yes, that was normal. You're suffering from the mind-movies that so many people post about. You're on a roller-coaster, you are suffering from shock and having your world turned upside down, and then !bang! she says one thing and does another (sleep beside each other, then she gets amorous) and your mind suddenly goes off on a shock/PTSD-inspired run-through of _everything_ that you've been through.

I'm sorry, man. Fist bump of solidarity. }{

Hi, 36, yes, this is very, very normal. It's what we call triggers, anything that will bring the A to the forefront, images, words, songs, the WS.

Those images will fade with time, but lots and lots of time...years in fact IMO.

Please, please, do not engage in any type of sexual activity until you are both tested for STDS.

Stand your ground. A moment of weakness, but you did the right thing by removing yourself from her Manipulation.

I highly suggest you find a good counselor for yourself. Yourself. One who will help you process this nightmare. You might also consider making an appt. with your doctor for some temporary medications to help you cope/sleep.

Unfortunately, there's no easy button out of this mess. You have to be proactive. Have you made appts with attorneys yet just to find out your rights? Please take Jeaniegirl's advice, she is an attorney.

[This message edited by annb at 9:35 AM, September 27th (Wednesday)]

I feel like I am going insane. I'm not sure what triggered that or if it is going to happen repeatedly, but I'm starting to feel like a soldier coming home from war to discover he has PTSD.

I truly think BSs suffer from PTSD to varying degrees. The mind movies like you describe can be awful. I had to read a little about what mine and OW wanted to do with each other in their text messages and it was not at all as graphic as some people here have experienced. A good IC for you would help tremendously with that.

why is she there in the first place ?

Anything short of saying "It's her house too and I can't keep her out" is setting you up for failure.

Also, so far, you have no 180 in place, in fact it seems like you had 'date night' with her even after her episode at the counselors.

She's roping you back in and you are falling for it to an extent.

You don't even know the true depth of her affair and whether it's still going on or not

You need to take a step forward, not backwards

Infidelity IS spousal abuse. Period. It's not "like" PTSD. It "is" PTSD.

You are a victim in ongoing spousal abuse. Fortunately for you, unlike so many others, at this very moment in time you can decide to stop being a victim.

This is where literally every since piece of advice that you get here will guide you.

36,

Yes, those thoughts are normal. "Normal". However, no one her uses "normal" in a way to minimize them or what you are going through.

Other "Normal" things to look out for:

1. Weaponized Sex. She may use sex as a means to put you into a "Pu$$y Coma" (full credit to CT for this term) so you will rug sweep things.

2. Hysterical Bonding. Over the top sexual frequency. It would be mutual. You would want it. You would even seek it out. Keep in mind Item 1 above. #1 can lead to #2 and before you realize it you are on a slippery slope of minimizing and rug sweeping.

Understand how vulnerable you are now. Emotionally vulnerable. Complicated by your physical and mental reserves being tapped out.

I recall you used the term "repulsive" when referring to her in an earlier post. You were repulsed just looking at her. Employ the 180 to detach from her and over time you move toward a point of indifference.

Completely normal

I recall you used the term "repulsive" when referring to her in an earlier post. You were repulsed just looking at her. Employ the 180 to detach from her and over time you move toward a point of indifference.

Repulsive is the right word. I've been there, and is not that is doesn't feel right, or isn't enjoyable, it is indeed repulsive, and that includes a level of disgust and betrayal in it.

And in my opinion, she the one that should be on the couch, not you. That is a bigger deal than you realize. She failed the marriage, and she should have to leave YOUR bedroom. The distinction of that sets the tone for any possible reconciliation.

Tell her SHE needs to sleep on the couch or elsewhere, because SHE fucked up, not you. You are NOT to be the gentleman in the instance, you need to reclaim your place, and it damn well doesn't need to be passive, subordinate, or accommodating. And don't feel the least bit guilty about her being uncomfortable, she needs to feel some rejection for her actions.

Throw her ass out of bed.

She invited me into OUR bedroom and said we can sleep side-by-side without doing anything. I foolishly agreed.

Not foolish, but it was a mistake. You need to be implementing the 180; in association with starting the divorce process.

There's really no need to get in a back and fourth with her about this. She'll either accept consequences and demonstrate remorse or she won't. What else is there to talk about? She needs to understand what it feels like to lose her marriage for cheating.

Right now, she's sure she can wait you out on this. Sleeping with her only reinforces that mindset.

So, you're at a crossroad. You can either accept rugsweeping this and living in a false R, or you can be willing to end your marriage to have any chance of saving it.

She's unremorseful, won't be transparent, and is hostile towards you. She and her AP have discussed the value of you being dead! So, why are you associating with her at all?!

As to whether her affair is still going on....YES IT IS!! Why do you think she won't show you her phone or emails. You need to man up.. get a great lawyer, file for divorce, tell your grown kids what's going on, and protect yourself.

And to think she is so uncaring as to risk your health. Even if STD results are known, you don't know if she has dipped into the cesspool again.

She put herself first in every possible way during the A and, so far, in the aftermath of Dday.

36, please put yourself first. I'm sayin first even before your marriage.

"WW, You came back saying you wanted to work on the M. I asked you to do certain specific things that I could use as indicators of your willingness. This time I've written them down. Here is the list. I can't force you to do any of these things. But I am getting out of infidelity with or without you. This list represents your ticket to get on that train with me. Otherwise, the train is beginning to leave the station and I intend to be on it."

She contacted me a little while ago and asked if I could help her remove all the porn fro her smartphone. WTF? I thought porn was supposed to be a guy thing?

I personally don't view porn and not sure I want to find out what kind of porn she has on her phone. Did it precipitate the affair. Did the affair cause the porn? Who the hell is this woman?

When I get off work this afternoon I am going to take a very long drive and try to think. She's not the sweet, innocent girl I met 38 years ago.

I feel like she is screwing with my mind, but I don't know if it's intentional or not. Oh, and one more thing, forgive me if I mentioned this previously, my mind is in a fog: She tells me she has remorse but no empathy for me. Is that even possible?

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 1:52 PM, September 27th (Wednesday)]

She tells me she has remorse but no empathy for me. Is that even possible?

I'm not sure I can even respond to that. And she doesn't have remorse either, that's regret for getting caught.

Have you read The 180 yet? You shouldn’t be helping her with anything. You shouldn’t even engage with her except on finances.

You should be finding an IC who specializes in infidelity for yourself to help work through the pain she has caused.

The drive is a really, really good idea.

She contacted me a little while ago and asked if I could help her remove all the porn fro her smartphone.

I think she's trying to mess with your head. Her phone, let her figure it out,....while she sleeping on the couch.

Quit doing anything for her, she doesn't need your help.

Snappy come back when in the heat of battle:

I cannot believe anything that comes out of your mouth, because I can believe anything that came in your mouth.

(Too much? Is that insensitive? Just askin'....)

[This message edited by twisted at 2:16 PM, September 27th (Wednesday)]