36,
I thought it was a very good idea when you said you were going to book into a hotel and have a break from the atmosphere at home. The drinking was understandable. However, what surprised me was that when your wife contacted you, you told her where you were.
So I check into a hotel. She contacts me and asks to come over, next thing I know the cops show up.
36, why on Earth would you want her to come over when the whole point was to have a break from her and the atmosphere at home? And once again she lied; she didn't come over, she set up a scenario in which there is now a record that shows her as a concerned, worried spouse, asking the police to check on a husband who has gone walkabout.
Now, I realise some may say, "But he can't just vanish, she will think he may have had an accident, or worse", but as the whole purpose of the hotel night was to be away from home, and have a break, why did you answer the call from your wife, and - more importantly - why did you tell her where you were? I understand that perhaps 'going dark' and not answering the call might not be 'fair', regardless of how unfair she has been to you, but you could have just told her you are fine and safe, and left it at that.
If you need a similar break again, I think you should send her a brief text to say, "I won't be home this evening. I am going somewhere I will be safe, so there is no need to call the police". If you do that, she cannot say you have just vanished, or that she was worried for your safety, and you will have a copy of the ext message as evidence. But give her no more details than that, switch off your phone, and then have an evening out of her reach so you can do some thinking without her constant interference.
I get the impression that she is actively trying to disrupt your thought processes as much as possible, because a spell of clear thinking on your part may well result in her getting her marching orders.
36, you have said you don't want the stigma of going to see a psychiatrist, but you have also been clear about what this is doing to you, to the point where you feel like you don't want to go back to your own home at the end of the working day. So at one end of the equation, you have your wife, actively messing with your head, hitting you with one traumatic revelation after another, and at the other end is you, observing the impact of your wife's actions on you, but not reaching out for help from your physician or an individual counsellor. At some point, something's gotta give, and unless you get some more people on your team where you are, the thing that gives will be you.
I totally understand the desire for a night in a hotel. I think it would be good if you could take some vacation time from work, have a break from your wife, and talk to your physician, a counsellor, a pastor, or a local support group for betrayed men and women. You do not have to tough this out by yourself. If I broke my leg, I'd go to a doctor, not lace my boot up tighter and pretend my leg was fine. If half the muffler fell off my car, I'd take it to a garage to get it fixed, not cruise around in a car that sounds like a Sherman tank. If I wanted a cordon bleu French meal, I'd go to a restaurant, I wouldn't try and make it myself and half poison everyone. If I needed a new suit, I'd go to a tailor, not make one myself.
There is no stigma attached to any of that stuff, is there? No! Because we run our lives around going to other people who know how to do certain things better than we do, because they have spent years training and finding out how to do them. The same is true with physicians and counsellors. They are just service providers. And what they can do for you is help you get a handle on why you have trouble thinking straight at the moment, and why you feel like you are heading for depression. Why not get people who know what they're doing on your side? I would. Loads of people here did.
Please go and see your physician and describe your symptoms to him or her. Let them help you, just as we want to help you. We hate to see what this is doing to you, but we can't be there in person to be with you. Your physician can. Please, 36, why deny yourself a source of help and support that is so easily available? Your physician can do more good for you than whiskey, and I say that as someone who tranquilised himself with vodka on several evenings when I was at a low point.
I had another thought about why MC is not a viable option for you at the moment, and it so obvious that I am surprised I didn't see it before. Going to MC implies that reconciliation is underway, because it would be utterly irrelevant if one or both parties did not want to 'save' the marriage. But you aren't sure what you want at the moment, are you?
When your head clears - which is the first order of business to take care of - you may well decide that you do not want to spend the rest of your life with your wife, and opt for divorce. At the moment, you don't know. I am not surprised that your wife is trying to railroad you into MC, because it is effectively forcing you to accept what she has done and begin reconciliation. Why would you want to do that?
You need time to figure out what you want for your future, you should not be forced into a reconciliation you may not even want just because it suits your wife. Your wife has been pretty good at doing whatever she wants so far, so maybe it's time that you start doing what you want, even if she doesn't like it.
Look at how the last MC session went; was it a success? Of course it wasn't - because you are not ready for it, you did not want it, and you were only there because she forced you to be there. I think you were absolutely right to say what you said and walk out. Your wife is constantly bullying you, which is why we have suggested the '180' technique to help get her and her selfishness out of your head so you can start thinking clearly about what you want and need in life without her forcing her nonsense into your mind and wrecking the process.
So please, 36, in order of priority:
1) Go and see your physician
2) Look up the 180 in the Healing Library here and begin to put it into practice
3) No more talk of MC until you know you are 100% committed to remaining married to your wife
4) Explain your situation to your boss, you do not have to go into great detail about your wife's actions, just say things at home are not good, and it has hit you hard, and that is why it has affected your work.
5) If it is possible, take some time off work, and get away from your wife to do some thinking away from her influence.
6) Find yourself a good counsellor who knows about infidelity and its impact, and have a few sessions just letting everything that has been bothering you out. Lance the boil. That is what counsellors are there for. You have been talking to us, and this a great first step, so adding a counsellor to the mix gives you another source of advice and guidance. There's no more stigma to going to see a counsellor when you are having a tough time than there is to going and getting a steak in a restaurant when you're hungry.
7) Talk to a lawyer and get the lowdown of how a divorce would look. You may or may not want to take that option, but if you're anything like me, you want all the information on all of the options available to you, so you can make the best choice for yourself.
8) Accept the fact that you have a controlling, manipulative, abusive partner, and act accordingly to safeguard your safety and well-being.
9) Once you can start thinking clearly, formulate a plan for yourself that looks like the best option for your future as an individual. That may be staying with your wife, or, if she is bringing more bad into your life than good, it may mean divorce and parting ways with her. The most important thing is that it is what is best for YOU, not your wife. She seems pretty good at looking after herself and doing what she wants, so it is time you do the same for yourself.
I hope some of this may be useful to you, 36. we're all on your side here, and we want what is best for you.
