SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

36,

See why you were told repeatedly to get a VAR? Your W is absolutely fvcking bat shit crazy. She has the ability, means and motive to drive you crazy. And to get you put in jail. And get you thrown out of your house.

Get yourself in the hands of friends/family who will look out for your personal wellbeing until you are more on your feet and can cope. And most importantly, until you can protect yourself.

Get people who will fight for you IRL. Take one active step today to save yourself. Get an attorney.

I hope you read this. Please read this and take it seriously.

By everything that you have described, your wife has a personality disorder. It will never get better.

I am currently divorcing my wife, who has Borderline Personality Disorder. From descriptions, your wife is probably somewhere in with BPD and the rest of the cluster-b disorders.

Look up symptoms of BPD, NPD and HPD. If what you see there matches up, know that your wife is not who you think she is, and she is dangerous.

Is it just me, or is this beginning to sound a lot like GW's thread?

I guess this whole thing has been screwing with my rational decision making skills.

Totally understandable, normal actually...thats why SI exists.

So what happened with the po-po?

Have you gotten a VAR yet?

The po po were fine. One of them is a close friend of mine and kept the whole thing from escalating. But I can now see why I need to take measures to protect myself.

Why were they called in the first place?

False DV

36, I wish you had someone with you. A brother or trusted friend? Can you call someone to stay with you for a day or two? Until you get this figured out?

Ordinary Dude wrote: 36yearsgone, if you don't start listening to the people here that understand what you're going through and know what to do, you'll end up in jail and she will walk away with everything you have ever worked for.

Now get yourself sober and straighten up!

-Do not talk to her about anything other than logistics...finances, dividing assets, etc.

-Do get to a lawyer ASAP to understand your rights, file for D and get away from her ASAP.

-Stop trying to figure out how to fix this, you can't, because she doesn't really want to.

-Get a VAR to record any and all conversations with her, to protect yourself.

Please, please, please, read what he wrote and do what he says. These people know what they're talking about, you need to trust them or things are going to end very badly for you.

So how are you going to protect yourself going forward?

36, I hope you will take the time to go back and read everything everyone has written to you. These are wonderful people and they all know exactly how you feel and they know exactly what you should and shouldn't do.

They don't get paid for this. They hang around here to help new victims of infidelity because they totally understand how horrible and devastating it is and they want to help others avoid the excruciating pain and also to help them not make mistakes in navigating all this because it's foreign territory for us. No one is equipped to deal with it.

So please, listen to what they say.

The following was written by Sharkman. Please read it 100 times.

Infidelity IS spousal abuse. Period. It's not "like" PTSD. It "is" PTSD.

You are a victim in ongoing spousal abuse. Fortunately for you, unlike so many others, at this very moment in time you can decide to stop being a victim.

This is where literally every since piece of advice that you get here will guide you.

36yearsgone, you are right on the money that she has been saying terrible things about you to her friends for years. Men whose wives do this are at the highest risk for false DV charges as you now know. Friends endorsing the cheating that have been lied to about the husbands is very common too. See a lawyer and tell them everything. You will be at risk if you choose to stay with her after this.

36 you need someone to support you surely you have a friend or family member you can reach out to. This forum is amazing but your situation is serious and you need a friend more than ever. Just reach out please do it today - it will help ease your pain.

36 you need someone to support you surely you have a friend or family member you can reach out to. This forum is amazing but your situation is serious and you need a friend more than ever. Just reach out please do it today - it will help ease your pain.

I will start looking for someone to reach out to.

Start with your PCP and see if they cannot recommend a therapist that can work with you. You need perspective on this situation, and therapy will do that. You may also need medication to help you over the hump.

You might want to consider letting your manager know so that they don't ding you on your performance.

Cat

But how are you going to protect yourself? Would you make a plan today that does that?

Be specific.

Go to the store TODAY and get you a VAR (voice activated recorder). There's a lot you need to do, and you won't be able to do any of it if you're sitting in jail!!!

Start documenting your time where you're at all times through the day so you can prove where you've been.

All you need to know is this PSYCHO wants you DEAD and has a reported a false DMV on you. You need to stay AS FAR AWAY FROM HER AS POSSIBLE!!!

Please answer this question. Have you told your children what's going on?

Also you need to check the law in your state about recording conversations. In Texas where I reside you can legally record a conversation without the other person(s) knowing. What about your state?

If you can record conversations legally, you may be able to set your wife up by calling her and bringing up the false DMV during the conversation and see what she says. She may say some stuff that will reveal that she lied about this. However before doing this I would discuss this with an attorney.

Have you separated your finances?

Have you cancelled credit cards?

36 please let us know what action you've taken thus far?

YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND COME TO GRIPS THAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH PURE EVIL RIGHT NOW!!!

If there was a rattlesnake in your home you wouldn't say "oh I'll deal with that tomorrow". Everything would cease and you would NEED to kill the snake or have it removed from your home because if you don't it could mean the end of your life.

I know you didn't ask for this CLUSTERFUCK but you better damn well get with the program and deal with it NOW!!!

Your life depends on it!!

36,

False DV

The po po were fine. One of them is a close friend of mine and kept the whole thing from escalating.

This is serious stuff, and you need to talk to your friend in the police about getting this incident logged as a false call, and a waste of police time. Please do not leave it standing as a genuine call that turned out to be under control; you need to get your wife's actions logged by the police as what they were. It is not enough that they stopped it escalating, it was a false allegation, deliberately made to cause trouble for you. Please, talk to your friendly cop and ask his advice about how to play things, because there is every chance your wife will try this nonsense again, until she gets some kind of official rebuke. Maybe your friend the cop could call round and tell her that fraudulent allegations are a serious business, and she can end up in trouble by making them.

"...I can now see why I need to take measures to protect myself."

Indeed. I said earlier in this thread that something in this whole thing had a weird vibe, unlike the majority of quite straightforward infidelity stories. It is quite possible that your wife has been chipping away at you for years, a little here, a little there, but it is now ramping up to the level of shoving infidelity in your face, constant criticism, and false domestic violence allegations.

Is it any wonder you have felt like your head is spinning for some time now? Anyone in your position would be in that state. Your mental and emotional well-being have been under a prolonged and sustained attack. I think this latest incident is finally helping you to understand that.

I will start looking for someone to reach out to.

1) Family

2) Trusted friends. There is no stigma in being in your position, and you might be surprised to find that once you mention the issue of infidelity, your friends start opening up and admitting that it has happened to them too. A female friend of mine did that, and she was amazed at how many of her friends said that their boyfriends or husbands had cheated on them. She never knew. We tend to think it's just us, or something we have brought on ourselves, until we start talking to other people, and we find that there's loads of us in this club. You are a bright guy, and you will know which of your friends would be good to discuss things with.

3) Your friend the cop. A cop can be a fantastic advisor and ally to you, particularly now your wife is escalating her aberrant behaviour to making false allegations. You don't have to tell the guy all the gory details, you can give him a summary, but focus on the way your wife is going off the rails and ask him if he has seen this kind of thing before. In his line of work, there is a good chance that he has. The point is, so far you have been a few steps behind her, as she careers ahead like an out-of-control bus. With a cop to advice you, you can start to be one or two steps ahead of her. A cop can tell you steps you can take to avoid getting jammed up on false DV allegations.

3) Local support group for survivors of infidelity. There are lots of these, all over America. Do a few Google searches, and if you have no luck, put a post in the "General" forum asking for advice and info. People here are always very keen to help.

4) Your physician

5) A lawyer, who is absolutely vital. Like the cop, your lawyer can provide a ton of advice about how to not get jammed up on false DV charges, and, if necessary, can advise about taking out a protective order against your wife. If that sounds nuts to you, ask yourself if a few years ago your wife would have been bringing men to your house for threesomes, or making false DV allegations against you. By talking to a lawyer, who will have seen all this stuff before, you will be staying a few steps ahead of your wife, and you will be prepared in case her odd behaviour continues escalating.

What I have sensed underlying all of your wife's actions, big and small, is aggression towards you. It seems to be increasing in its intensity, so you need to batten down the hatches and get a cop and a lawyer on your team. You already know the cop; find the lawyer!

I am sorry to say this, 36, but while she may be your wife, she is most definitely not your friend. You need to recognise that and act accordingly to protect yourself.

And while we are at it, you could start a thread in the "General" forum along the lines of "Wayward Wife made a false DV Allegation - What can I do to protect myself?" There are loads of people here who can help with that, but the "Just Found Out" forum is not the place for a thread like that. It is fine to have threads in a few forums here at one time. In fact, it will be good for you, because it gets even more people here working for you, and giving you the benefit of their experience.

Reaching out is a good thing, 36. You reached out here, and look at how much support you have had. It didn't cost a bean, but it may save you a fortune, and a lot of hurt. That's got to be worth it, hasn't it? So keep on reaching out, 36. It's healthy, and it helps. If nothing else, I hope your experience so far has shown you the benefits of not trying to 'go it alone'.

Sending strength and best wishes,

M

36,

I have to say I disagree with you trying to DIY this DV thing with the police. Even if he is a friend of yours. You need a skilled attorney that will create a written record and paper trail that fights the charge.

Look man, you are being set up by her. You can't DIY this. You say the charge is false. But guess what, there is a police report that says you went to that residence and your W called the PD. In a first call like that (if no evidence of physical assault) *most* POs will have the two parties spend the night apart and call it done. The next call they won't. It won't matter if your friend responds.

And she can still independently file to get a restraining order/order of protection put in place.