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What kind of industry does your wife work in where they're boozing it up on the clock and everybody is screwing everybody else? I work in a company full of hundreds of people. Very liberal California people. None of us are boozing it up on the clock and screwing each other. Your wife needs a new job.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 11:51 AM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

As bizarre, odd, weird, ridiculous, preposterous, unbelievable or sad, yeah that's about right.

I have to know, who is telling you these stories?

What kind of industry does your wife work in where they're boozing it up on the clock and everybody is screwing everybody else? I work in a company full of hundreds of people. Very liberal California people. None of us are boozing it up on the clock and screwing each other. Your wife needs a new job.

She has left that place of employment. It was an organization that provides home services to the elderly, the ill, and those that for some reason cannot take care of themselves temporarily or permanently. There is travel involved within our state. Most of the Care Givers do not work directly out of the office. They are usually in office to pick up their paychecks or to do training.

Those who work within the office are doing job fairs, assessments, hiring and on occasion traveling to help or assist prospective clients.

I have to know, who is telling you these stories?

Much of this crap has been uncovered from private investigations and women who are now coming forward.

So she has left this place of employment, says she doesn't want to D...but has she looked into IC yet?

So she has left this place of employment, says she doesn't want to D...but has she looked into IC yet?

She has left the place of employment.

She says she does not want to divorce.

She went to IC, didn't like it and is now seeing another IC.

We have also seen MCs, though it is my impression from many here that this may be a waste of time and money at this time.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 12:44 PM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

The OM must be one charming motherfncker.

Seems like he has found his calling, tuning up lonely blonde Christian women in their 50s with no repercussions...weird.

Much of this crap has been uncovered from private investigations and women who are now coming forward.

Yes, but who have you personally heard it from. Has your WW been the one to tell you, have you heard it from the source?

What investigations? And why hasn't the guy been fired?

The women are coming forward and the guy still has a job after DATE RAPING a woman and having affairs with multiple co-workers.

I'm trying to fathom how its not a bigger deal within the organization and how this man still has a job.

She has left the place of employment.

Positive.

She says she does not want to divorce.

What has she done/what is she doing in this regard?

She went to IC, didn't like it and is now seeing another IC.

It's my experience (and probably the collective experience of this group of people here) that true reconciliation is very difficult work. Facing realities about yourself that are distasteful and go contrary to how you've viewed yourself are very difficult to get through. Couples who have truly reconciled will tell you it's a good 2-5 years of very hard work. In the beginning, the WS has to do a lot of the heavy lifting since the focus needs to be the stabilization of the relationship so that long-standing issues and unhealthy ways of dealing with the relationship can be addressed and managed. A lot of WSs cannot deal with that level of scrutiny or that large an effort.

At their core, a WS is a very broken and maladaptive person. Can they change? Certainly. But it's a lot of work, and much of it can be very difficult. This is why working with a good IC is key. While we all recognize that there are bad ICs out there, I'm concerned that she could be therapist-hopping until she finds someone who tells her that the marriage was the problem and who won't hold her accountable because everyone needs to "follow their heart." I would be very attuned to that.

I would still continue with the attorney, because I don't see anything here that is indicating she is on the road to any manner of self-improvement. This appears to be surface level appeasement right now.

Cat

She has left the place of employment.

She says she does not want to divorce.

She went to IC, didn't like it and is now seeing another IC.

We have also seen MCs, though it is my impression from many here that this may be a waste of time and money at this time.

I would agree that MC is not ideal at this time...have you been to IC yet?

Whats your current position on R or D?

This situation is as bizarre as it gets.

Change numbers.

No contact, except through lawyer.

Head for the hills, pronto.

She went to IC, didn't like it and is now seeing another IC.

Curious, why didn't she like it? Did they tell her to accept full responsibility for her actions and that's the last thing she wants to do?

[This message edited by CincyKid at 1:38 PM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

I would agree that MC is not ideal at this time...have you been to IC yet?

Yes, I have started IC.

Whats your current position on R or D?

I am at a loss as to which way to go. I still love this woman. We've had four kids together. I've dedicated nearly 4 decades of my life to her and our marriage; so it's not mentally easy for me to walk away. But at the same time I don't want to be with someone involved in infidelity. My mind goes back and forth on this a hundred times a day.

One of my current sticking points is this: how could this woman, my wife, have a PA with this POSOM when she knew he was screwing other women from her office and in her office?

I can't wrap my head around that. Is this some sick character flaw in her? Is this part of the "Women like bad boys" cliche?

I don't even know if I should be thinking about that, but I do. She had someone who treasured her. Who lifted her up above all others. Who took care of her and never lusted after other women, let alone slept around. And yet she chose this %$#&%$#! loser over me.

So once again, here I am rambling. I love her. I wish the marriage could be saved. I loathe her and want to get as far away from her as possible. I have both feelings at the same time. Is this unusual?

On top of that it looks like she has changed most of her passwords again.

I feel ruined for life.

how could this woman, my wife, have a PA with this POSOM when she knew he was screwing other women from her office and in her office?

I can't wrap my head around that. Is this some sick character flaw in her? Is this part of the "Women like bad boys" cliche?

I don't even know if I should be thinking about that, but I do. She had someone who treasured her. Who lifted her up above all others. Who took care of her and never lusted after other women, let alone slept around. And yet she chose this %$#&%$#! loser over me.

Do you ask her that when she calls at 3:30a? What is her response?

I am at a loss as to which way to go.

You don't have to be 100% one way or the other right now. But I would file (and then tell your attorney to take their time). You need to be protected. This is a bad situation. Divorce is a process, and it takes time. You can use that time to become more at ease with all of this.

One of my current sticking points is this: how could this woman, my wife, have a PA with this POSOM when she knew he was screwing other women from her office and in her office?

WSs are broken, broken people. What's important is that THEY need to get to their why and understand why they made the choices they made. Right now, she does not want to take personal responsibility for having made these choices, so you're not going to get to a genuine why. Perhaps not ever.

Is this some sick character flaw in her? Is this part of the "Women like bad boys" cliche?

Definitely a character flaw, and perhaps a heaping helping of self-esteem issues and possibly even buried and never-voiced resentment and hostility. But does it matter? Unless SHE is willing to get to the why, it really doesn't. She did it. You now have choices as to how you are going to deal with it.

One person cannot save the marriage. It takes a concerted effort from both. The fact that she's changed her passwords again tell me that she is not currently (and possibly not ever) reconciliation material and that she has potentially taken the affair underground.

Cat

Tell me, is she still in contact with him?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:23 PM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

Tell me, is she still in contact with him?

To the best of my knowledge, no. But she is still in contact with her former workplace.

Yes, but who have you personally heard it from. Has your WW been the one to tell you, have you heard it from the source?

I have heard directly from the sources. I have also heard from my wife. In addition, I have confronted the boss lady in person.

What investigations? And why hasn't the guy been fired?

I have engaged in personal private investigations and involved close friends in law enforcement. Why hasn't the guy been fired? That's the million dollar question. When the boss lady was questioned about this she claimed no one has ever come forward. That's bullshit, I have some of the documentation.

The women are coming forward and the guy still has a job after DATE RAPING a woman and having affairs with multiple co-workers.

Women are coming forward but the boss lady seems to be the stop gap. The guy should not have a job. He should've lost his job the first time he grabbed my wife's hand and stuck it on his penis in the office. This was before the affair began. I don't understand and can't fully comprehend why the hell the $%^#%#&#*& isn't in prison.

I'm trying to fathom how its not a bigger deal within the organization and how this man still has a job.

You and me both.

She says she does not want to divorce.

What has she done/what is she doing in this regard?

That's difficult for me to answer I'm not positive she's done anything other than tell me more lies.

She went to IC, didn't like it and is now seeing another IC.

Curious, why didn't she like it? Did they tell her to accept full responsibility for her actions and that's the last thing she wants to do?

I can't answer the honestly because I was not there; but she tells me the IC just wanted to chat and get to know her. Not worth $120 an hour according to her.

how could this woman, my wife, have a PA with this POSOM when she knew he was screwing other women from her office and in her office?

I can't wrap my head around that. Is this some sick character flaw in her? Is this part of the "Women like bad boys" cliche?

I don't even know if I should be thinking about that, but I do. She had someone who treasured her. Who lifted her up above all others. Who took care of her and never lusted after other women, let alone slept around. And yet she chose this %$#&%$#! loser over me.

Do you ask her that when she calls at 3:30a? What is her response?

I have asked her all those questions, but not necessarily at 3:30 in the morning. She claims she never intended on having an affair and that she didn't like the guy. She thought he was a perv and blah, blah, blah.

I still don't understand WTH she was thinking. I also don't understand how this week is different from last week. She's suddenly being kind and loving. Am I being played again?

One person cannot save the marriage. It takes a concerted effort from both. The fact that she's changed her passwords again tell me that she is not currently (and possibly not ever) reconciliation material and that she has potentially taken the affair underground.

My thoughts as well. This whole thing is one big clusterf^ck.

First let me say I am not advocating R or D. You treated your wife with love, devotion, and faithfulness. She returned this with infidelity. So let me say this. Being past the 55 year mark myself, I can tell you there are thousands of women your age that will be glad to take her place. Women that would not break your heart for a few quick bangs with a POS. Maybe you need to tell her that. I do wish you well.

She says she does not want to divorce.

Of course she doesn't! But why is it her call? She is the one who has done everything to justify you throwing her out, and then after all that, she doesn't want a divorce. Most burglars don't want to go to jail either. It's just that no-one asks them.

One of my current sticking points is this: how could this woman, my wife, have a PA with this POSOM when she knew he was screwing other women from her office and in her office?

Simple answer: ego. The guy knows how to play women 'of a certain age', when they have started to doubt their looks and desirability, and they lined up for him.

She claims she never intended on having an affair and that she didn't like the guy. She thought he was a perv and blah, blah, blah.

...And she so she had sex with him regularly, and brought him to your home for a threesome, as one does with unlikable perverts that one has no intention of sleeping with.

Yeah...That makes perfect sense. I believe her.

He should've lost his job the first time he grabbed my wife's hand and stuck it on his penis in the office. This was before the affair began.

Yes, quite true, but maybe your wife should have left the job when that happened. Instead, she was so disgusted by his behaviour that she began an affair with him. Go figure. For some guys, the direct approach seems to work very well. She only left the place when you threatened to kick her out of the house.

And now your wife knows he's also a woman-beating date-rape drug specialist. Is she prepared to make a statement to the police about what she knows, to try and help stop this guy, or is she fine for him to continue doing what he's doing to other women? It's a question she really needs to be answering, because the longer she does nothing, the more women are going to be attacked. Sorry to be so harsh about this, but women are being raped by this guy, women are going into hiding and taking out protective orders, and a whole bunch of women like your wife are sitting around knowing about it and doing nothing. I'm a guy and I want to stop it, but what's wrong with these women? Sorry, 36, it's not a question you can answer, I just think this is a horrible situation that needs dealing with immediately, before yet more women wake up dazed, bruised, and with no memory of the previous 8 hours.

she is still in contact with her former workplace

Sorry, but why?

She's suddenly being kind and loving. Am I being played again?

36, my heart goes out to you, but yes, you are most definitely being played again. Like a violin. I had it done to me. Thousands here have been the victims of this stuff. Remember the false allegation of domestic violence and the police showing up at the hotel a few days ago? And now the nicey-nice routine...She keeps changing her approach to see what works for her, and what keeps you in a state of confusion.

On top of that it looks like she has changed most of her passwords again.

And there you go...

Sorry if all this seems downbeat, 36, but this whole thing is beyond messed up, as you yourself say. It is great that you are in IC, a very positive move. Also good that you are investigating the OM, because women are being drugged and assaulted by him and it has to be stopped. But as far your wife goes, honestly, I really think you need to try and detach and stop listening to her. Her words and her actions do not match, and what she says does not stand up to even mild scrutiny. All you are getting from her at the moment is lies and changed passwords. What does that tell you?

But she is still in contact with her former workplace.

She's still in contact with him, directly or indirectly. Upon this you can bank.

She's suddenly being kind and loving. Am I being played again

?

I'd bet money on that.

Look, she is not a reconciliation candidate right now. Your best bet is to file for divorce and exclusive use of the house and then move everything at about the speed of molasses.

This gives you time to see if she is going to back up her words with action. Most of us think not, but you also need time to adjust to your new normal. This is hard. No question.

I"m going to private message you with some additional information I'd rather not divulge publicly. Check for it.

Cat

Is she post menopausal? I only ask because I have seen other women completely lose their freaking minds. Men too, with the mid life thing. Not just women. But there can be a powerful chemical element.

It's just so odd to me that she was a "good" wife and mother for 36 years and now it's like she's gone completely insane.

I'd continue on with the filing though. Something has to snap her out of it, and if she doesn't snap out of it, you need to be protected. Please be careful.