SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh 36, I'm so sorry you've been treated so badly and continue to be treated the same. Please listen to all the good advice you are getting here. Your worth is not tied up in your wife having an affair. That is all on her. Please get yourself into individual counselling to rediscover your sense of self worth. ...and please tell your boss what is going on - or at the very least that you are having a family crisis so that you can hopefully get some understanding and support there.

It sure looks like you are being set up, get a VAR and keep it on you at all times! You're going to need it soon I bet!!!

Ramble away 36. We're listening.

I agree will all that have posted here, ( aren't these guys awesome!) from the IC to the VAR.

Look at it this way, you've been hit by a big truck of infidelity, and you just stopped bouncing into the ditch. You are shaken and trying to figure out what happened, where you are, and how bad you're injured. No wonder you're dazed and confused. Anybody would be. All of us have been there, brother.

The good news is that you're OK, you're gonna make it, but you need to recover for awhile. Go easy.

The worst thing that could happen is that you might divorce your cheating selfish wife. In the big picture, it's nothing that you can't handle, no big deal.

Time to get back to being logical and rational, not that any of this fits that category, but try to be objective. Identify the problem and figure out the options. They tend to narrow themselves down as you go.

The goal is to get out of infidelity. That means it's your wife's job to straighten out her shit and convince you she is worthy of continuing to be married to you. You get to be the judge and jury for that.

If she refuse, or fails, that option has been eliminated and you move to the other, divorce.

You call a lawyer and have him start the process. Everything else is just details.

Detach and be objective. When you get to that point of "indifference" whether or not she stay or goes, you are halfway though this.

Keep ramblin', we don't mind at all.

[This message edited by twisted at 2:37 PM, September 28th (Thursday)]

how would she feel if you had an A?

she loves this sexual predator.

She does not care that you are hurt.

She is still lying. She is still in the A.

File for D and expose.

I feel like I am slipping away into a deep depression, a black hole where I no longer have value as a husband or a human being.

You haven't lost value as a husband; she has lost value as a wife. It's natural to grieve that. In fact it's part of the grieving process.

I'm still advising you that MC with a non-remorseful WW is a waste of time and money.

This may be hard, but it's not complicated. Tell your wife precisely what you expect from her if she wants a chance at R. If she won't agree, start the divorce process. You're living in purgatory. Get yourself out. Right now there's nothing a MC can do for you.

[This message edited by badmemory at 3:40 PM, September 28th (Thursday)]

Hi, 36, all of our replies are probably swirling around in your head as well.

IMO right now you MUST see your doctor. He will give you temporary medications that will help you cope AND think clearly.

As difficult as it is, put the A on the shelf when you are at work. Even for brief periods of time while you focus on one task at a time.

The mental fog will clear. It will. Keep yourself occupied. Visit with your children, go out with your friends for a beer or a quick bite, a sport, volunteer, a hobby. ANYTHING that will take your mind off of this nightmare. Keeping yourself occupied with other things other than the A will help you to re-energize.

I agree with the others, MC is truly a waste of time. You need individual counseling with a GOOD counselor, many have no idea how to deal with infidelity.

At the end of this nightmare 36, you will come out with integrity and honour and will be able to proudly look yourself in the mirror.

What will your WW have? None of the above.

Keep your spirits up, you are the better human being; hold onto that. Good luck.

Your standard response to ANYTHING she says to you from now on should be "fuck off" followed by a derogatory name for her (increasing in vileness as she goes on). She'll soon get the message.

36 past is gone. No point in thinking about it. What you have is only now. Not even tomorrow. So this moment you have to live to your best, which I think you are not doing well. You are kind of self destroying because of what your WW did. Who is going to be victimized by that. You and yourself. Your wife has (my be) little care for you. If you keep digging your hole eventually she will get the best deal she can get and leave you.

The thing is not to get victimized over and over. Do your things even better e.g. your job. You are on your own. Get angry (positively) and use that energy to re-engage in your affairs like the job

also tell your supervisor. You NEED to keep your job. Also tell your kids and other close relatives

[This message edited by goalong at 4:59 PM, September 28th (Thursday)]

I think you all are giving pretty good advice. It's just very difficult for me to process right now.

I'm sorry to hear that it's getting worse and your WW is not at all remorseful. I can tell that you're in depression right now. That's normal but the problem with depression is that it causes you to delay protecting yourself and your finances. I should know, I was once where you are.

In my first post I gave you a list of things that you need to do in order to protect yourself. You probably feel that it's not important especially given your current state of mind, however you really need to push yourself to accomplish those things. You also need to push yourself to get STD tested ASAP if you haven't already done so.

I'm hoping that you explained the situation to your boss so he understands why your performance is down. Depression will also cause you to make potentially bad decisions like quitting your job. You need an outlet right now and your job gets you away from the house.

From what you've written, it sounds like your wife has been a serial cheater all along. I had the same experience as you. I thought a whore would change into a good wife and mother. It doesn't happen and I'm sorry that you had to learn it, like I did, the hard way.

You really should contact a lawyer ASAP and start the divorce paperwork. You'll hate yourself later for waiting. There's no obligation to go through with it if you change your mind and there's no fast-track if you realize later they you shouldn't have waited.

I feel bad for you and I know that you're in a fog right now but laying around and ruminating on it doesn't make it better. You have to get up and make a plan for your future. Figure out what you need to do right now to get there, and do it.

I'd also suggest that you either move out or kick your wife out. The separation eases the pain and allows you to get your head together. Don't continue to spend time with someone who's not willing to take responsibility for their choices. Her behavior is controlling you right now; it's causing you to not think straight. Your mind and abilities will come back to you. In the mean-time force yourself to kick it in gear and take back control of your life.

why do not you get psychiatric help until you get over this

I don't want to be further stigmatized by seeing a psychiatrist.

No stigma there . . . Would you feel better with the term therapist or counselor? IC (Independent Counseling) has been beneficial to many many betrayed spouses here. The one advantage of a Doctor, of course, is possibility of anti-depressants, if needed. Again, many BS here have experience with this.

[This message edited by c24j at 6:13 PM, September 28th (Thursday)]

I've decided not to go home tonight. I'm sitting in a bar and am going to have a few drinks then walk across the street and check into a hotel.

I need fresh sheets.

Have someone who is friendly and responsible in the circle with whom you can talk face to face. Your supervisor cab be that someone

If you had cancer or diabetes you would go to the doctor right?

Right now, you are suffering trauma - PTSD, anxiety, depression, shock, triggers, and mind movies. There are medications that can ease these symptoms to some extent.

If you absolutely won't see a psych, go see your primary care doctor. You need to stop the bleeding.

It might be the alcohol talking, but as I'm sitting here drinking (I'm not a drinker), I'm thinking that I've been abused for a long time. This shut doesn't just happen. Her friends certainly wouldn't cover this thing up if she hadn't degraded me to them for all these years.

Alcohol is giving me a new perspective and it's one I really don't like.

If that is the case you are kind of helping her assertions by your neglectful conduct