SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why is she in control.

You need to see an attorney, your wife is in deep. Thus guy is going for the cash and by giving her number to people she worked with, she is giving it to him.

Get out now.

Please take out a restraining order because he knows where you live. I would also take the information you gathered to HR, especially now that your wife no longer works there.

Your post made me cry. I'm so sorry. I too am going through my husband cheating with Escorts after a 30 year marriage. This is a great place to get advice and comfort. So glad you found it.

Married for thirty six years and she does this? Hard to believe this is her first rodeo, especially after reading the multitude of threads here.

She has shown absolutely no reason for you to reconcile with her. I haven't seen anyone mention this, but the fact is it will take, on average, two to five years to get back to a normal life with your wife. In your case I doubt you ever will. Her statement about sorry she got caught seems to express a lot of hate to me.

I personally don't see anyone getting over this. How old are your kids. Please tell me you are not hiding(lying to them too) this from them. They have been cheated on too.

Your wife is totally broken but for how long. Is she in counseling. If anyone recommends MC, it's way too soon.

[This message edited by Chappie at 9:41 PM, September 25th (Monday)]

Hi 36, I'm so sorry you find yourself here and yet, sadly, you find yourself amongst a very large number of people that are walking your walk.

I'm also deeply sorry you and your wife lost a child. You've officially entered two lousy clubs no one wants to find themselves in and to say this betrayal is the worst thing you've went through is testimony to how deep these wounds go.

I can't disagree with anything the posters have said to date - yup, the story is real bad - is she remorseful? No, doesn't sound like it - should you be protecting yourself financially? Yes - getting tested for STD's? Yes.

My husband drained a 401k account for his A partner after she extorted him for abortion money. Shortly after my Dday, he met her for lunches and gave her another $3,000 because as he put it: "She was in a real bad place." Apparently, she was committing credit card fraud and had also embezzled $20K from her previous employer. Meanwhile, I was home, caring for our 4 year old who was headed into surgery. I was barely making it through the day, but she was in a real bad place.

Had we had a dual signature form on those 401K's he would have had to come to me, but we didn't. I'll never make that mistake again, but I trusted him and in no way could have imagined the nightmare I was entering into.

Yes, your wife sounds like she's in a fog. We all hurt. We all suffer. It doesn't excuse behavior, but we're all operating at different levels of emotional intelligence.

The day I found out about H's A, I asked him how many women has he be f*&^ing. His response: "How many did I f*&^ or how many did I want to f*&^? That was almost 3 years ago. We're still together.

We're not together because he was the poster child of remorse; although, he is now. It took a year to dig through his TT. He did start IC right away and even with that, it was quite a while before he came out of the fog.

I also didn't find this site right away and was in my own trauma fog hell of my own, so I didn't really know what to do or what measures to take. It took me 6 months before I had counseling, legal advice or STD tests and in that, you're ahead of the game.

I stuck it out because somewhere inside I truly believed my husband was a good man who made some horrible choices. That doesn't mean we still don't have horrible days over what happened or that on some days the whole world seems to be a trigger for me, but I did stay in the game.

The two of you have been together for a lifetime. You've had children together and have buried children together. Only you can make the choice to stay or leave and in the meantime, you are taking the right and correct measures to protect yourself.

I'll also let you know that you'll be in this pain for a long time. This type of trauma is not for the faint of heart. It's course is long and the pain is deep. It's easy to become bitter, but if you can work, even the smallest bit, at aligning yourself to your highest light and love, I promise you an indestructibility will be born inside of you that is solid and true with even more love and compassion. I know that feels hard to believe right now.

36, hang in there and take it day by day. Also, get some rest. Take great care right now.

I'm so sorry you are here with us. Your reaction is understandable. It is heart breaking and traumatic. Your W does no sound remorseful. My advice is to take care of yourself right now. Live one day at a time. Breathe. Eat. Drink.

Of course it was hurtful that she suggested you try things in bed. It's cruel or lacks empathy. She needs help. She is very broken.

What we you decide to do long term, I believe taking Astro g stance now is best. It protects you if you D. It also happens to give you the best chance at saving your M if you are interested in that route. She isn't R material at this time. That is clear.

Forgot to add from reading your post your other surviving children are probably adults you may want to expose to them they might like to know their mother has gone off the deep end and oh yeah there's that thing we're your wife an her AP were wishing you were dead probably talking about murdering you, pretty sure they would like to know that last tidbit.

I wish you strength in these difficult times for you, it is tough, SI is here for you and many good things already have been said.

Your wife threw you and your marriage to the sharks, disrespects you, betrayed you, cheated on you with another man, and cannot be trusted anymore, hates you?, and even joked with OM about wanting you dead!

I cannot help to think that this OM showed up at your house to see what he could via her get after your...future untimely demise. I am sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable, but you should understand that OM is a predator with no morals and may think he is entitled to your wife and assets, and that your wife wants to please him in any way because of the sex/drugs and love that she feels for him. Yes, people in love do crazy things, you know that, and this here is a dangerous combination of the two. I also cannot help to think that this OM may be bragging about doing rich wives of other guys to buddies of him, and those buddies may also be idiots and get fantasies about getting rich. You are not the first one here on SI whose cheating wife talked with her lover about killing the husband, and those husbands who came here, some of them have not been heard of since, this is serious and not a joke.

She is a real danger to you, and not a child that needs help or something, and I was happy to read that you already took action.

You need to regroup, best to go notify her that you will go and be spending time with family, so that she cannot legally accuse you of abandonment and claim the house (check for this with your lawyer), and in the mean time start the process and divorce her. Even if you would try reconciliation, you will never forget this, staying and going are both painful, but with divorce you are safe and there are also benefits to divorce (i.e., no stress, less pain, freedom and doing all those things you always wanted to do, etc.).

I wish you well, strength brother!

You need to speak to a lawyer about the life insurance. There is a very good chance you can remove her from whatever you want but she is still first in line.

You need to speak with same lawyer about the implied death threat.

If he was a former co-worker you need to expose both of them to the workplace where they were where they met. Blow up his world.

Latest Update:

We went to counseling last night as a couple. The counselors were excellent and for a brief period of time I had hope.

She stated the OM has been screwing other women where she worked. Including the HR person. The place of business is an absolute immoral cess pool. I've never seen anything like it.

The counselors asked me what I wanted out of therapy I said I needed to see that she repented and was totally remorseful. She interjected that she said she was sorry.

I told her that words weren't enough because she had become an expert at lying and doing so with the ease of changing her clothes. I told her that I felt it was wrong that she thinks she can return to the marriage and expect there to be no accountability for her actions.

It turns out she has several close friends who knew about the affair all along and did nothing, but tell her it's ok because her H is an asshole. I suggested that she shouldn't have friends that are not friends to our marriage.

I suggested that changing her phone number and then immediately giving it out to the people where she worked was not a sign of cutting off contact and eliminating or at least mitigating the opportunity to reconnect. She found that to be insulting to her integrity and controlling.

I told her and the counselors that for me to even consider R or staying in this marriage there has to be transparency. I should have the right to inspect her phone, email, Facebook account, etc. and was more than willing to provide her passwords to any and all of my accounts.

She told me this was unacceptable and controlling and that I was a "Classical Narcissist" for asking. And that it was my problem that I didn't trust her anymore.

It was at that point that I stood up and politely said, "I've has enough. I can't stay in a marriage with someone who cheats, takes no responsibility, refuses accountability and then decides my not trusting her is my problem alone."

I walked out.

20 minutes later she came out and got in the car and told me I was rude for leaving.

We drove off and I suggested I drop her off at the OM's house so she could get the full taste of what it is like to live with someone who will get the benefit of sex without the responsibility of marriage.

It was an absolutely horrible night.

I need advice. Is it wrong for me, as the BS, to expect her to accept accountability and be transparent and 100% honest? I want to see her phone, email and private messages on Facebook because that's where all the communication takes place. She tells me that's unreasonable and controlling because she's already told me that the A is over and she is not communicating with him.

I cannot believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 10:03 AM, September 26th (Tuesday)]

You are not wrong. Stand your ground. If she can't be transparent, then she had no business with you.

what Wool94 said I agree 100%

You are spot on. Don’t back down.

You need to control what you can control.

She is not one bit Remorseful. Here are some steps to take next.

And I got to tell you, I would expose to the spouse of everyone that works at that place. “My wife had an affair with shithead at the office where your wife works. I am told she is not the only one. He is a piece of crap with a police record who makes a living seducing wives. Watch your back”

Here are the types of things you should be doing just to get her to a point where she is remorseful enough to even start working on R. You are no where near that point right now.

If you never see remorse, file and find your way out of her Infidelity.

1) you should get a lawyer. Call tomorrow. Go interview a couple next week. When you settle on one find out your options. Tell them to draft D papers to be served at your notice

2) get in IC. If you are not already find one that specializes in infidelity

3) open your own bank account at another bank. Move half your joint money to it.

4) Contact the OBS (if there is one). Don't tell WS you are going to talk to the OBS. It's none of their freakin business. You need to coordinate with OBS so you both know what is going on.

5) full on implementation of the 180 (read it in the Healing Library). Until she gets her head out of her ass you don't need to talk to her about anything but finances and kids (if you have kids). Again... SHE IS NOT YET REMORSEFUL so there is no reason to talk to her about anything else. If she is still in love with him and talking to him there is no way R can work so stick to the basics. Besides the 180 is not to get your WS back, it's to show yourself you can stand up and be strong without her.

6) STD TESTING. Did you get that done yet? If you know it was a PA make sure you are healthy and no sex with her until she proves he is healthy and NC.

7) Expose to close friends and family. You need support in this difficult time. Don't sell your close relationships short. You'd help them if they'd ask so give them the chance. "My WS has fallen in love with someone else. Whether we R or D i hope I can count on you to be there when things get tough for us"

8) tell her to leave. That she can go be with the OM if that is what makes her happy. Kick her out if that is what it takes. You don't want to be with her if she is going to be pining away for someone else

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:13 AM, September 26th (Tuesday)]

You should have dropped her off

Yes, you were completely correct in your demands and actions, now take it the next step.

You need to see a lawyer so you know your rights, and possibly even file if she doesn’t come around.

Do not let the possibility of D paralyze you...you need to be willing to lose your M to save it.

If you file and she never comes around then you know you took the right course of action and will be better off in the long run. She may also come around, you never know.

Please take some time and read in The Healing Library, also read the Tactical Primer thread at the top of this forum.

You did the right thing!

There can never be R without accountability, truthfulness, and transparency. Period. These are non-negotiables.

You should have dropped her off

Honestly, I'm with Sharkman, I WOULD have dropped her off, if it took booting her physically out of the car.

Walking out of the MC session was EXACTLY what you needed to do. You da man!

If that doesn't get her attention and change her attitude, then I fear you are wasting your time with her.

36 , you absolutely did the right thing. Your wife thinks because she said she's sorry that you just start trusting her? No way. Unfortunately for her she's going to have to earn your trust back if that's even possible. Everything you asked of her a remorseful spouse would have agreed to without hesitation. Your wife acts like a selfish , self entitled,unremorseful cheater without a stitch of empathy . I would recommend you talk to a lawyer and start getting your ducks in a row. You can stop the process anytime, but at the very least you will know your options.

36,

You did an amazing job at the session. You ticked all of the right boxes. She failed on all.

Continue to get your ducks in a row:

1.Finances

2.Legal

3.Your support system

4.Your self care. see a doc if you need sleep aid or AD.

5.Get one or more voice activated recorders to protect yourself from a false domestic violence charge. This can be an app on your phone. Be prepared to record all encounters with her

6. Tell your children before she has a chance to demonize you.

Please be attentive to #5. She has a whole cheer team of UGGs (U Go Girl!). She has a dangerous OM to coach her. This is a power trip for him that will likely escalate.

Don't rule out further exposure to the workplace. Go up the food chain. Start at the top.

Keep posting. There is a tremendous collective predictive ability here to gauge her next steps.

I am not kidding. Expose completely to the work place. How? Contact the spouses of all the women who work there. Whether or not they slept with this guy the husbands and boyfriends should be informed and warned.

Make this guys life miserable.

Then threaten to sue. Let the owner/boss know.

Tell them you’ll be organizing a class action suit.