SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stay strong my friend, trust your gut. Make sure you continue to take care of yourself and don't become an emotional wreck- I know personally that's easier said than done. I hate reading stories like yours, it brings back bad memories from not only my current situation but from another past relationship where my fiancé was always out with girlfriends - when in fact it was men.

You are taking action. That's good. The time in between is devastatingly slow - we all get that.

Take care of yourself. Drink lots of water (force yourself), and no booze! Eat nutritious, calorie-rich food when you can (force yourself), and get as much exercise as you can - it helps clear your mind, and might even help you sleep.

Keep posting here as much as you feel you need to. We get it, and we can probably help.

I'm sorry you have joined our group. True your gut. People don't approach you at a party and tell you your wife is cheating without there being truth to it, not even drunk. I would believe him.

Gently, your wife doesn't respect you. Otherwise she wouldn't flirt in front of you , she wouldn't be going on this trip if she knew how it would make you feel. I would get a var and plant one at the house and one in the car. The pi was a good idea. It's hard to prove things when you aren't there. If her phone records are clean there is a good chance she has a burner phone.

She's going away for the weekend with the woman you caught her making out with in the hot tub??

Why????

This is an affair partner. That she's the same sex doesn't make a damn bit of difference. She cheated on you with this woman.

She should have zero contact with this woman. Period. End of story.

Why are you ok with this??

And,yes, she's cheating with the OM. The friend tried to tell you. His wife told him,and he told you.

This isn't a gut feeling. You've caught her cheating in the hot tub. She blatantly disrespected you by leaving you on the dance to dance with OM.

She has zero boundaries. She's been cheating for years.

Oh my goodness. So much of this has me reeling. I am a SAHM/W. never would I cheat. I don't have time. My home is clean, I cook dinner every night. I handle all appointments, handymen, bug men. I volunteer. I workout. Because I manage our home and our life. I would have zero time to pursue other men.

So much of this is gross. I wouldn't discuss this with her. She is entitled. She isn't doing any of this because of love for anyone. It's all thrills.

I think the OM was a cover. I bet she is involved with his wife. There is no way a "normal" woman would allow a mistress to go anywhere with her.

Please do a few things immediately. You have a long term marriage. Find out the laws in your state. You have a stay at home wife with a long term marriage. You are going to need leverage in case of a divorce.

Please schedule several appointments with attorneys. Find the best ones. This will block her from using the best ones. Second, hire PIs. Also put VARs around your house and in your cars. How is she getting to the airport? Never ever disclose about the VARs.

This Napa trip has me going crazy, yes the worst two women that she could go with. I will get the VARs and probably a PI. I would not be surprised that the two women know something more. They are my wife's friends not mine. The guy who told me of the affair invited me and my son over to his house this Saturday while the wives are away.

GNO's are a perfect opportunity for a PI to catch something. That's when they are at their most relaxed with their guard down, thinking their spouses are too busy back at home with the kids. I think you will get your hard evidence on this Napa trip. Ask your WW if she has an itinerary for the trip. I would ask the other guy ahead of time if he got one as well and compare them. Provide it to the PI so he/she has some idea where to monitor them, even if they stray (pun intended) from their Napa plans.

If your WW has a favorite place around the home she likes to talk on her phone, get a VAR and place one there. Get one for the vehicle drives most as well. If you haven't seen anything in the phone call logs on the phone bill, check out the data usage and see if there has been a spike or higher than average use. They could be using chat apps to communicate.

It looks like your wife is quite careless, so it shouldn't be too hard to get hard evidence.

Attorney should provide information how (and if) infidelity affects divorce where you live. Knowledge is power and you need a lot of it now.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I think you should 100% trust your gut; your wife is prone to inappropriate action and gaslighting.

Jduff is right about seeing if you can get a PI to follow the Napa trip. If there is an itinerary, try to get it from your wife or the guy who told you about the affair.

Also, can you put a GPS app on your wife's phone that will tell you where she is? That can be very useful when it comes to uncovering lies about where people say they were (and very useful if a PI is following them).

The sad fact is, there is no smoke without fire, and you have already seen several traces of fire. As others have said, your wife is probably quite confident that she can get away with what she is doing, even though you say she has sensed a change in you recently. I know it is hard, but try to act as 'normal' as possible, so she does not change her behaviour.

We all feel for you.

Reading what you have seen and heard, this is no longer a matter of gut and fortunately a number of forum members have pointed this out.

The hot tub experience was already a PA. Drunk or not, it is what it is. So, that girls weekend she has planned, including the hot tub lady can't go ahead. As was already pointed out, your wife is more than likely having a PA with the wife, not the OM, albeit, he may well be involved.

As for her leaving you on the dance floor to dance with the OM, that shows absolutely no respect for you or your feelings. She is rather brazen in going after her desires it seems.

It becomes a very scary world when your wife is open to cheating with either sex. Suddenly you have no idea when their friends become a threat to your marriage. I have had to work with that dilemma for some years now, has left me on edge more often than not. I certainly wouldn't feel comfy with my wife on a girls weekend anymore.

Sorry for the situation you find yourself in and how it will and has probably shaken your world. If you want to keep you marriage, put an end to the girls trip and call her out on her activities to-date. Chances are she won't want to put a stop to them and that will leave you with a decision to make.

From what you have indicated, R is not an option if she has cheated (which by normal definition, she has - in the hot tub). Think that is more first hand evidence than most of us get, we normally land up chasing phones, e-mails, etc.

[This message edited by artec at 4:48 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

Tough night and some tough responses. Last night we had back to school night for our youngest and later went to a small historic tavern for dinner and drinks, the OM and his wife were there as it is near the school and their child is in my sons grade. We live in a very small community.My wife spoke to them and I went and sat away from them. My wife joined me and said that I was rude. I bit my tongue,but said that I want nothing to do with them. My wife brought up the hot tub incident and said she can't drink and be in the hot tub because it totally gets her so intoxicated that she is out of her mind. She then said that OW was devious, It was nothing compared to the OM. I asked her what she meant, but she started slipping up on her words and backtracking. Artec, I agree she has little respect for me, I am a doting Father to our children and I spoil them terribly. This said I have never neglected my wife, I treat her very well. I have a plan I intend to implement after her Napa trip. I just need to get some data together.

[This message edited by Unsureman at 11:01 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

This said I have never neglected my wife, I treat her very well

I'm afraid that this is quite common. And then we get completely blindsided by their cheating.

It is good that you have a plan.

My wife brought up the hot tub incident and said she can't drink and be in the hot tub because it totally gets her so intoxicated that she is out of her mind.

In my opinion this is the technique known as "blameshifting." She's shifting the blame from _her_ and her shit boundaries to alcohol and a hot tub.

Regarding the hot tub incident, both OM and OMW were there when she was making out with OMW. What did OM do about it? Apparently, nothing. Apparently, he was okay with his W's behavior.

Unsureman, I know how you feel and I've been in that situation. xWGF was having an A with both OM and OMW in my case. She moved in with them when she walked out on me. I get it.

Does she do the typical hiding her phone behavior? Is it locked all of the time? (Note - that last isn't exclusively done by cheaters. Smart folks lock their phones because it is safer to do so.) Do you have her phone password if it has one?

xWGF, when her A was full-on, did things like dance with the OM, too. And disappeared at parties, etc. I thought that we were mingling and got separated for a bit. Little did I know (then).

Whatever your plan stick to it. I had a plan and I kept adjusting it, to my detriment.

Just reading her take on the hot tub, it is a shocking attempt at making an excuse for her actions. Then to continue to want to be involved with that couple and expect you to do the same - wow.

Unsureman friend

you have the opportunity to know that you are not crazy. Let your WW go to the meeting of friends, and hire a Private Investigator, no matter the cost. The tranquility that will give you know what has been happening behind your back is priceless.

Stay calm and simulate everything to give her the feeling that she can get away with it.

the red flags are evident from the first moment and she, like all infidel, knows how to hide their footsteps and deceive us.

They use our love and trust and that's why infidelity is so destructive.

I remind you friend, the private investigator is the best option and if there is no conclusive evidence of this trip, just be patient I repeat the infidels are very astute and perceive when you are about to catch them.

greetings and do not stop updating about your state and read to older members of SI who know what they speak better than a therapist.

Then the decision will be yours on R or D.

Right now my wife is freaking out over this, it is making herself crazy. We were watching the series Pretty Little Liars and when Reece Witherspoon was having an affair I triggered and my wife said to me " you would never forgive an affair would you" I said no not again. This whole mess has really taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I used to be so happy and outgoing, now I am stuck in this perpetual misery. I know my wife is unhappy as well. She would never leave me or admit to infidelity, so unless I can prove more it is just he said she said. I would have left her after the hot tub incident; however I would not leave my children. They deserve a great home and everyone thinks that we are the perfect couple. I am to blame for not having the courage to put this to rest years ago. I only kicked the can down the road to now. There is no more road.

Later that night a mutual friend of mine advise me in a very drunken state that my wife in this OM have been having an affair off and on for several years and that it was common knowledge

Have you followed up on this wth your friend?

Userman, it's called rug sweeping and it's quite common . It's so tempting to just let it drop when your spouse does it the first time and promises never to do it again. You carry on until dday 2 happens and you realize the problem of why they cheated has never been fixed.

This place is a great place for support and the collective wisdom is amazing. You have done well to find this place.

Wool94 - No, not yet I am seeing him Saturday evening. His wife was also in the hot tub with my wife and the OM and OW. I guess she told him everything I am stressed but there is no going back on this.

Isurvivor- yes it is rug sweeping and it's my fault for tolerating it for so long. I will not stop her trip but I have reached out to a PI in San Francisco to be my eyes and ears. Very pricey

You are doing all the right things. I wish I had done so many things differently, and now, you are following solid advice. Know that and stay strong. Please keep checking in and getting support as you need it.

If you can hire PI for the trip at least for peace of mind that would be a good option. They sell wireless cameras that can be used in the house,now that your youngest is going back to school and she will have the house to herself while you're at work making a lot of money providing her life style. GPS her car the VAR in the car may not record all and you might spend the hour listening to radio talk, they also have spy applications that you can download to her phone some even allows you to turn her mic and camera on so you can listen and see. Talk to the friend who told you she was/is cheating sounds like she's been having threesomes with this couple, while you get a mediocre sex life. Another thing check her car for burner phones, lingerie or any other suspicious things, then repeat for the house even under the sinks some people tape things to hide just pretty much CSI your house from the top down.

[This message edited by xZOOMx at 9:43 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]