SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unsure, you may have rugswept but it's not your fault that she chose to cheat then and chooses to continue cheating now. You're not at fault for her cheating. Getting a divorce also doesn't mean that you leave your kids and stop being a parent. You may even be able to keep the house and get more than 50/50 custody.

I really think your friend is the key here. Him inviting you over sounds like the perfect set up to tell you all about your wife's affair and maybe even give you the proof that you are looking for. Even if your WW never admit to the A, it doesn't matter because you know what happened and can act accordingly.

I'm so sorry you're here, Unsureman.

I would have left her after the hot tub incident; however I would not leave my children. They deserve a great home and everyone thinks that we are the perfect couple. I am to blame for not having the courage to put this to rest years ago. I only kicked the can down the road to now. There is no more road.

Be nice to yourself--do not blame yourself. Many of us kick the can down the road or wish we handled things differently in the past, but you do the best you can with the information you have at the time. We never expect that our spouses will be this deceitful, neglectful, shameful. We expect they will behave like healthy, kindhearted people.

It sounds like your WW is in the full-blown affair mode. I am sorry. You've described rugsweeping, deceit, blameshifting, and also that she seems to be unhappy or doesn't have peace in her heart. That's the biggest sign to me--a spouse having an affair will not have peace in their heart. She knows she is wrong. She is ashamed. She is unhappy with herself and the life she has created.

It sounds like you have a plan. Implement it.

You have one huge thing going for you here, and that is you KNOW what you want. You know you need proof. You know you aren't going to put up with an affair. Your course of action is pretty clear right now.

Stay strong. You have a lot of backup here at SI.

You have means - a financial freedom so many of us lack. Hire a private investigator. No need to hide in the shadows like so many of us did - to find the proof we WERE NOT crazy and indeed being betrayed and abused by infidelity.

Hire a PI and you'll have your answer.

Can you view who she has been texting on the phone bill?

XZOOMX - Perhaps I am shallow but mediocre sex which is what I get or extremely late and I have to get up in five hours sex. That is unforgivable to me. If she is having an affair now, I will burn her down! I will not get over this.

Nekonamida- My friend just texted me now and asked me again to come over on Saturday. That is my plan.

Twice wounded - I have a plan and I will work my plan. I do know what is going on and I won't rug sweep this again.

Sassy Lee - yes I do have the financial freedom from my years of 60 hour weeks and travel, so that my wife and children had everything they wanted. This just sucks

Shark man, no I have Verizon and they don't provide the details

I am at a loss as to why my wife would cheat, I am 6'1" and weigh about 225lbs , I am very fit and workout at a gym four or five times a week. I consider myself attractive and a good catch, that is why this has hit me so hard. I never thought that it was in the realm of probability , perhaps I am just an arrogant man, . Why would she risk our great life for this nonsense.

[This message edited by Unsureman at 11:10 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

I would:

-Tell her you've been given reliable information she had (and may be having) an affair;

- Tell her you will not reveal the source or proof

- Tell her that her making out with the lady from the party would have been itself grounds;

- That once she gets back from Napa she will be raking a polygraph to prove her fidelity

Because it is not about you, it is not about what you are or what you aren't, not about what you do, did or don't, didn't.

It is all about her.

I think the biggest shock for waywards is when (if) they come out of the "fog" is to realize how much they have destroyed to get so little.

PlanC - my plan now is to say nothing and let this drama unfold. I will meet my friend Saturday find out everything then speak to the OM. Sunday when my wife returns we will have our come to Jesus talk.

Black Hole Heart- you are probably right , but I am still stunned and struggling with this, yes it was years ago, but I never healed from it.

Because you could be a rock star amazing hot guy with loads of money and the kindest heart and it is not the point. The point is that they are looking for something missing inside of themselves. Her choices have nothing to do with you. It takes a long time to get there in your heart and mind, but you will.

Unsureman - she cheats becAuse of what SHE lacks. It has nothing to do with you. Don't allow her actions to dictate your self perception. You are many things - hardworking, fit, generous etc - but most importantly - you are loyal and faithful...a man of Integrity.

She cheats because she is selfish, entitled, dishonest, a cheater. You did nothing to earn this treatment. Keep your head high Unsureman.

Sunday when my wife returns we will have our come to Jesus talk.

And when she denies it, you are back to square one. I'd work on evidence while her defenses are lowered.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 11:35 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

Demolished inside / SassyLee -I get this, just close to impossible to understand.

Randy- If the evidence is weak my plan is to have a weak confrontation then use a Var to record her conversations and see who she calls and what is said.

Demolished inside / SassyLee -I get this, just close to impossible to understand.

Unsureman

This is what I’ve put together from your posts:

Your wife has a great life with you and plans to grow old with you. Your wife knows how to handle you and it’s easy because she knows you so well. It’s also easy because you have always been motivated to make your family happy.

Your wife doesn’t see sex as a big deal. It’s just something to be enjoyed. Because of this she didn’t feel guilty about cheating. After all she was never going to leave you so she was faithful to you in the way that mattered most.

She was relaxed and confident when fooling around because:

1. You trusted her so much that you would never check on her

2. Even if you caught her the marriage is so good that you never would divorce her.

This is why the following rocked her world.

Right now my wife is freaking out over this, it is making herself crazy. We were watching the series Pretty Little Liars and when Reece Witherspoon was having an affair I triggered and my wife said to me " you would never forgive an affair would you" I said no not again.

Unsureman

If she’s smart she will immediately start being a good girl. You may not find anything new until the dust settles.

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:59 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

Hi Unsureman:

I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here with the rest of us, but it's a place with people of broken hearts, courage, fortitude and great wisdom.

Just a thought, and I apologize if others have already mentioned it: the friend that you're going to talk to-

Tread carefully.

I would listen to him, but don't clue him in on your plans to confront om or have your wife followed by a PI.

Since he is the husband of the OW, he might share information (even if it's unwittingly) with his wife, who might tip off your ww.

Sending you strength.

[This message edited by Ginac at 12:02 PM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

Randy- If the evidence is weak my plan is to have a weak confrontation then use a Var to record her conversations and see who she calls and what is said.

I would go ahead and plant the VAR's in the house and under her carseat before the conversation. If she is having an affair she will be itching to talk to OM right away.

BTW, are you sure Verizon doesn't give you texting history? I have AT&T and I could monitor real time who my then wife was texting. She must have exchanged a hundred texts with OM the day I confronted and couple phone calls.

You may want to test out the VAR's for a couple days before you have the conversation just to see what you find. Maybe it will help that initial conversation better.

ETA: Don't tell her your sources and don't ever tell her about the VAR's even if you find proof on them. In some states unauthorized recording is frowned upon.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 12:11 PM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

I will meet my friend Saturday find out everything then speak to the OM.

Understand that whether he is a player or not, he will be on the phone to his W after you leave, thus taking away your advantage of surprise.

Saturday you'll will know what your friend knows. But that isn't everything. Again, he is likely to call/text his W the minute you leave his house. Ask for his confidentiality, even to his W.

Are you getting a verbal report from the PI so you'll have that info for your Sunday confront?

I think your plan needs tweaking.

Definately, don't speak to OM before your wife. He will lie, then he will call your wife and tell her to lie. Above all, you will lose the advantage of surprise. Be like a Ninja.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 12:20 PM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

Again.. the woman in the hot tub is an AP.

Why are you allowing this "friendship" to continue?

Michigan- I wish that I could say your assessment was wrong ,but I can't . Not a pretty translation but probably accurate.

Ginac - I've been upset writing all this, so I'm probably messing up the text. During the night in the hot tub incident, I caught my wife in the hot tub with the other man and his wife as well as , the wife of my friend who advised me of the affair. When I caught them in the hot tub I felt as if someone had just punched me in the stomach hard. I stood there for a moment not knowing what to do. I just to Stood there for a few seconds and watched my best friend and lover betray me. I approached them and the OM told me not to get upset that the girls were just fooling around. I told my wife to come with me she told me no she was staying. I finally grabbed her out of the tub and carried her to the car. I just realized how traumatic this event was for me.