SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey UM -

Just thought about you. How are you holding up? I hope you were able to get clarity since you last checked in.

Hi UM

How’s things been hope your well 😊

Hi UM hope you’re holidays went ok, let us know

How you are doing

Unsureman...

I hope you are doing OK.

I wanted to comment on a few things.

First of all, you said that you have always spoiled your wife, but you said that after kids were born, you "allowed" her to go out once a week with her friends. Allowed her?

Now she seems to have acted out repeatedly right in front of you. Is it possible that in the past you were controling of her? (Not that it would in any excuse her behavior if you were.) Maybe when you said you "allowed" her to go out - maybe you meant that by watching the kids, you made it possible for her to go out.

This is commendable of you, but I would also say it is also not so much" above and beyond". Having been a SAHM for many years, it always baffled me when a working H thought that it was an act of generosity to watch his own kids while the mom got out of the home periodically. Maybe I misunderstood the way you phrased that.

I also want you to know that IMHO you place too much importance on your looks, your physical stature, your income, etc. Not to say that you are boasting. But your WW's actions would be unacceptable if you were a short, fat, unattractive, poor guy. Marriage is marriage. Commitment is commitment.

My H is severely disabled, and in a way that makes his body what I am sure would make him unattractive to many. But that would not be any justification for me to betray him.

And, finally, I am wondering - if you feel your wife has hacked or somehow otherwise has access to your phone - why you haven't gotten a second phone? And is it possible that she has placed VARs of her own? I never saw a response to how she knew you had set up your VARs.

I think that we sometimes think if we are behaving in an admirable way, and our spouse betrays us, then we should get tougher, try to control, etc. i know I did. But I feel we should behave in our relationship in the way that feels right to us. And if we determine that we can no longer stay in a relationship with a partner who is doing x, y, or z, then instead of modifying what we believe to be right, we have to make the difficult decision to stick to our standards.

I hope your holidays went well, and that you are able to work through this terribly hard time and come out on the other side - with your integrity / standards intact - whether together or apart.

Please keep us posted. We care about you.

UM, I hope you come back to us no matter what the outcome or state of your marriage today. Just know that you deserve so much better than a WW who disrespects you, derides you, tells you you're unworthy of her, manipulates you, cheats, and lies to you. You have more integrity and loyalty in your pinky finger than she has ever had in her entire life.

Swish, swish, swish.....

Cases like these. Sometimes they come back in 6 months to 2 years. The story is always the same.

UM, if you are still reading or someday follow up on your old thread, don't hesitate to reach out here again. There are many "You were right" threads, but I've never once seen an "I told you so" response. We truly get just how hard this is.

You are worth more than I think you know.

sorry for my absence, I have been trying to make things work with my WW and it has been very difficult. We had a number of serious fights where we told each other that we wanted a divorce. We did in house separation for several weeks and we had a horrible Christmas where WW was absolutely miserable and ruined everyone’s holiday. I told her that she should be ashamed that she runs a sad unhappy home. That really set her off.

Her AP we ran into at a neighbors Christmas Party, he was so drunk and stoned that he caught his sweater on fire standing next to an outside propane tower heater. He was so f—d up that he didn’t even know he was on fire. His wife and several neighbors extinguished him. I would have helped but I was drinking Woodford Reserve and didn’t want to spill it.

I believe my wife seeing what a complete high achieving loser he actually was caused her to reevaluate us. Surprise I am not such a bad plan B. My WW is happy one minute upset the next. She is affectionate one minute then cold, a real roller coaster ride. She has been drinking way too much and she had a meltdown at a friends house and she was a complete ass to me. She has since stopped drinking and trying to engage me, she is looking for a full time job and we are looking into counseling.

I know she cheated and I know that it is killing her to keep the secret. I can’t just let this go, my life is good my marriage is rocky. I am uncertain what our future will hold, I don’t know if we are going to stay together or not.

I wanted to add that during one of our fights my wife damaged our bedroom closet door and I became enraged and physically ripped off of the hinges. That really scared her and I had a moment of clarity where I realized that I have to fix our relationship or divorce. I stood there with the splintered door and realized that I am as ourt of control as she is. If she had called the police I would have been arrested. This was not one of my better moments.

[This message edited by Unsureman at 11:11 AM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

"Her AP we ran into at a neighbors Christmas Party, he was so drunk and stoned that he caught his sweater on fire standing next to an outside propane tower heater. He was so f—d up that he didn’t even know he was on fire. His wife and several neighbors extinguished him. I would have helped but I was drinking Woodford Reserve and didn’t want to spill it. "

one of the best things I've read on SI

where I realized that I have to fix our relationship or divorce.

You do know that it takes TWO people to fix a broken marriage? If it is just you doing the work, you are going to just get more frustrated (and risk having another melt down - BTDT).

You do know that it takes TWO people to fix a broken marriage? If it is just you doing the work, you are going to just get more frustrated (and risk having another melt down - BTDT).

Point taken, I guess I should have said I have to decide on whether to stay or leave. WW is willing to do anything except admit to the affair.

Point taken, I guess I should have said I have to decide on whether to stay or leave. WW is willing to do anything except admit to the affair.

I guess not everything!

She continuously demonstrates that she is not a safe partner.

[This message edited by Hotdog at 12:34 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

Hi Unsureman

Glad you’re back and ok !

IMO it sounds like you would like to R but you must have honesty first

UM-

I’m sorry you’re here, and even more so that your WW keeps lying. That’s not respect. I hope you demand a poly, install keyloggers in her phone and Computer, and VAR in the car and Home

This is striking a chord with me today, sorry in advance. My former SIL Is being a "super christian" again on facebook. That's funny, people who are genuine typically apologize which hasn't happened. IF you wife were actually remorseful, she'd of come to you AND told the truth. She wouldn't be over drinking and freaking out (and ruining holidays) sounds like she's grieving for AP.

You're surprised you ripped off a door? WHY? She's been throwing an affair in your face and you continue to say and do what you think she wants rather then stand up for yourself. You may be a slave to her approval, but your heart and soul has it's limits even if you choose to ignore them.

She's not sorry at all, worried about getting caught probably which means when the paranoia dies down she'll do it again or with someone new.

People show you with their actions exactly who they are.

Have you mentioned a polygraph to her? She needs some motivation to confess.