USM,
You say:
“I will meet my friend Saturday find out everything then speak to the OM.”
This occurs to me:
What if the friend does not want to discuss it when he is sober? What if he says, “Oh, that was just the beer talking. Nah, I was just kidding. Come on…Your wife? You know she wouldn’t cheat? You shouldn’t listen to me.” You are rather counting on him to provide a full history, whether hearsay or not, which he may not be willing to give when he realises what you may do with the information. This is not to say that you shouldn’t ask him, just that you need to brace yourself for him panicking and clamming up without a gallon of beer inside him.
Ginac makes some good points about this guy too:
“I would listen to him, but don't clue him in on your plans to confront om or have your wife followed by a PI.
Since he is the husband of the OW, he might share information (even if it's unwittingly) with his wife, who might tip off your ww.”
I really think you need to try and be as low-key about getting info from the guy as possible, unless you know he is willing to talk.
As for speaking to the OM, you need to have realistic expectations of what that is likely to achieve. If he and his wife are in an open marriage, and they basically lead a swingers’ lifestyle, to the point where he told you to not make a fuss of your wife having sex with another woman in the hot tub, what kind of mentality are you going to be dealing with? If you start asking him questions, he is likely to tell you to take a chill pill, and to take the issue up with your wife. Unless you are just going to read him the riot act, he has very little to gain by telling you anything that might spoil his fun in future. Sorry to put it that way, but that’s how he is likely to see it. If you press the matter, he may say something like, “She was never forced to do anything, anything she did was of her own free will. Why are you hassling me?”
It things go down that way, you may not have much to go on before you say…
“Sunday when my wife returns we will have our come to Jesus talk.”
“Randy- If the evidence is weak my plan is to have a weak confrontation then use a Var to record her conversations and see who she calls and what is said.”
Honestly, USM, I think you should bide your time before a confrontation, because the second the sh*t hits the fan, the bunch of them are likely to start comparing notes and asking who said what to you. Therefore, you really need to have enough evidence to satisfy you before you actually confront your wife, because after you do, I am sure that the whole crowd will pretty much stop talking to you, thereby cutting off a source of information. So you need to have all the info you need, and your ducks in a row, before you make your intentions obvious via a confrontation.
Also, bear in mind that a confrontation is likely to change the dynamic of your relationship with your wife, because up to now she has felt free to misbehave, in the knowledge that she will get away with it, or just say she was drunk. Once you change that, and she realises she faces actual consequences, she will either reform and fly right, or become more furtive and guarded. If it is the latter, you need to be prepared for that, in terms of how you will monitor it, and how you will deal with it emotionally.
Or…She might come to her senses if she values the marriage, and she realises what she stands to throw away for some cheap thrills. I don’t know your wife, you say she is already unravelling, maybe she will back away from the slippery slope she is on.
My point is, you need to choose the timing of the confrontation carefully, and do it at a point that is the best for you, and the plans you have made for the future. Confronting too soon may be ineffective, may drive things underground, and may get your social set clamming up whenever you are around.
However, that does not mean you cannot take immediate action prior to any confrontation.
For a start, I think you should reduce the amount of contact you have with that toxic crowd. It is obvious that your wife cannot be trusted around them, and they have different boundaries to you, so why can’t you withdraw from that social set? They have already proved that they are not friends of your marriage, so why socialise with them? Similarly, this Napa trip should be the last time she does a road trip with the free love auxiliary. That is just tempting fate way too much. Have you discussed with her the idea that she shouldn’t go? Considering her track record with the OM, and then her hot tub performance, it is surprising that this trip ever got the okay in the first place.
You can ramp up your surveillance, which you say you already plan to do, with VARs in her car and various key rooms at home. You may need a PI to monitor what she does and where she goes when you are working. That can be an expensive and gruelling process to go through, but it can also be vital to your peace of mind, and to verify that her actions match what she is telling you.
You can have some carefully planned, pointed conversations with her to get her views on fidelity in marriage, swinging, honesty, integrity, and so on. The best way to do that would be to think them through beforehand, and to conduct them with an air of detachment, so that you do not get drawn into giving much away, or worse, getting emotional and saying too much before you are ready to confront.
Your wife will not miss the significance of what you are asking, but if you keep it all theoretical – what about this, what do you think of that – then it is not a direct confrontation or accusing her personally of anything. However, it will have an effect, because she will start wondering why you are asking, and where you are going with it.
Up until now, she has been complacent and has believed she can do what she likes. Talks like this will help to put across the message that you are more tuned in to the subject than she has given you credit for, thereby rattling her confidence to do ‘wrong’, without giving her any hint that you are actively ‘watching’ her like never before.
This one is rather unsubtle, but what might her response be to a question like, “If a person keeps being caught cheating, why do you think their spouse would want to stay married to them?”
Like I say, not subtle, but it’s not a direct accusation, just a discussion about outlook. Whatever she says, it is likely to be enlightening, but you should stay cool and detached, and respond with something bland like, “That’s interesting”. If she turns the question back on you, an answer like, “I’m still thinking about it”, will have the desired effect of moving the ground beneath her feet, and making her feel less confident about doing whatever she likes, regardless of your feelings.
You could find that doing these kinds of things might mean a confrontation is not needed, if she starts to change her ways, and your evidence does not make a showdown unavoidable.
These are just my thoughts, to take or leave. Everyone here wants the best for you.
