Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Wayward Side :
Things that every WS needs to know

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MareP ( new member #64182) posted at 4:04 AM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2019

Thanks for re-posting. We are slightly over 14 months after DD. My BS sent this to me early on, and when I first read it I did not understand how accurate your description of the unbelievable pain and suffering caused by my affair. Now I understand it much better, and regret my selfishness and insensitivity in not doing so earlier.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress.

The above really resonated with me. I never dreamed I would be caught, and especially did not think the AP would be the one to disclose the affair. I never truly considered the harm my actions and deceit caused, even if the BS never discovered the truth. What I most deal with is my lack of morals and ethics that were always so evident by my behavior, but which I never addressed because of my own selfishness and sense of privilege. My BS now has to endure the pain of betrayal due to my actions, and for which there is no one else to blame.

The pain and suffering are almost constant. Even during what most would describe as a good time I see expressions that tells me something is triggering thoughts of the affair and my betrayal. It permeates our life, surrounds us, and never goes away. While I understand I must accept my actions, and their horrid consequences, I will never forgive myself for my actions and the harm they caused.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2018
id 8354968
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Barregirl ( member #63523) posted at 12:01 PM on Saturday, April 6th, 2019

Bump

posts: 500   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: NY
id 8357881
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EvolvingSoul ( Guide #29972) posted at 2:24 AM on Friday, April 12th, 2019

Bumped for hopingforpeace19.

Me: WS (60)Him: Shards (55)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2531   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8361489
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EvolvingSoul ( Guide #29972) posted at 5:14 AM on Thursday, April 18th, 2019

Bumped for Change4thebetter.

Me: WS (60)Him: Shards (55)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2531   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8364666
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EvolvingSoul ( Guide #29972) posted at 3:32 AM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

Bump.

Me: WS (60)Him: Shards (55)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2531   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8370521
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PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 11:48 PM on Sunday, May 5th, 2019

bump

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8373605
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EvolvingSoul ( Guide #29972) posted at 10:17 PM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2019

Bumped for Firework.

Me: WS (60)Him: Shards (55)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2531   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8375262
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:18 PM on Saturday, June 1st, 2019

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26037   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8386435
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 9:09 PM on Saturday, June 1st, 2019

Why is this thread NOT pinned?

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6361   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8386542
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EvolvingSoul ( Guide #29972) posted at 6:54 PM on Saturday, June 8th, 2019

Bumping for the good of the world.

Me: WS (60)Him: Shards (55)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2531   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8389952
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EvolvingSoul ( Guide #29972) posted at 5:43 AM on Wednesday, June 19th, 2019

Bumped for Lostone29.

Me: WS (60)Him: Shards (55)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2531   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8394780
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 2:03 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2019

I've read this several times and keep coming back to it. Time to have my WH read it, I think he might be ready to receive the message. Thank you.

BW: 61 WH: 61 Both 57 on Dday. M: 34 years, 2 grown kids, 9 year Affair with MOW, 7 month False Recovery, year + trickle truth. I got rid of her. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time.
Sorry for the sticky shift key and typos.

posts: 259   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8397840
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burninghouse ( member #63308) posted at 4:47 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2019

Thank you for re-posting. I'm going to print this out to give to my counselor. I hope every BS and WS reads it. Although I am not in R, this is incredibly validating. It so accurately articulates in depth (and breadth) much of what a BS goes through. It's very helpful.

BW (me)
WH (him)
D-day 3/2018
Divorcing

Reminding myself often, "The last of the human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor Frankl

posts: 457   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2018
id 8397929
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EvolvingSoul ( Guide #29972) posted at 2:18 AM on Thursday, July 11th, 2019

Bump.

Me: WS (60)Him: Shards (55)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2531   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8404291
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sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 3:55 AM on Thursday, July 25th, 2019

Bump!

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8410453
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Fixingmyself ( new member #71108) posted at 7:15 PM on Friday, July 26th, 2019

Thank you so much for all the contributors in this thread.....

This and one or two other threads have helped me realise the extent of pain my decisions have caused those around me.

I read this almost daily to remind myself what my BS is going through

Me: WS (38)
Her: BW (36)
D-day: July 25, 2019
Last AP contact (At Work): July 25, 2019
NC (non professionally): July 11 2019

On the long road to recovery

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2019   ·   location: Berlin
id 8411202
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PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 9:23 PM on Saturday, July 27th, 2019

Bump again, this is an amazing read!!!~

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8411668
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 6:45 PM on Friday, August 2nd, 2019

Bumped for LifeDestroyer

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8414493
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:02 PM on Monday, August 12th, 2019

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26037   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8418982
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 1:05 AM on Wednesday, August 14th, 2019

Bumping to keep near the top

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8419928
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