SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had an affair 12 years ago, and I had thought we'd reconciled. Seven weeks ago, however, my husband informed me that he felt no connection or intimacy with me, and he was leaving to have time alone to figure things out. I suspected there might be more to the story, and sure enough, over the past week I've pieced together unusual behavior, based on cell phone logs and calls to a family friend who is also a colleague.

Turns out that our college aged daughter, who is home on Christmas break, also picked up on something and was independently investigating. She found incriminating text messages last night, which she shared with her older brother, who confronted my husband / their dad today. He denied everything, but once I realized what the kids had found, I asked him a yes / no question: are you having an inappropriate relationship with OW? He denied it to me, and I asked him to leave.

Having been here once before, and now wondering whether there have been even more affairs that I don't yet know about, I've already contacted a divorce attorney and am going to celebrate the arrival of 2025 by starting my new, single life. I've also shared with my family, as well as my mother in law - and I called the OW's husband to share with him.

H emailed the kids tonight to admit to the inappropriate relationship and to apologize for hurting them and for how they found out. One kid is angry about the email and wonders why he's apologizing to them but not to me. And the other kid won't even read the email.

While I could say that I've wasted the last 12 years of my life on what turned out to be false R, I'm thankful for having used that time to raise two awesome kids and for many moments that I think were truly happy. And after 26 years together, it's time to move on. I can't be more grateful for my kids, who found definitive proof and stood up for what they knew was right.

Sad and stunned to be in this place again, but truly relieved to have the weight of wondering "is he, isn't he?" lifted from my shoulders. Just wanted to share my story and ask for support during a tough time.

So sorry that you're in this spot again. It sounds like your children are amazing and you can support each other.

It sounds like you're getting your ducks in a row and are moving towards getting out of infidelity.

Here's to a better 2025!

Hey, for what it's worth, I'm sorry you are dealing with this situation again. You sound like you are in a place of strength though.

Is it me, or are we seeing this type of narrative more and more, where couples who have been R are retutning to once again deal with infidelity?

Thanks to you both, leafields and Justsomeguy. Appreciate the positive comments as it helps me stay in the right frame of mind for myself and for my kids.

The kids are my primary focus right now. There is no good age to have your parents divorce. Mine are college aged, and that's a double-edged sword. Old enough to understand what is going on with some level of sophistication and depth - after all, my daughter is the one who had the instinct that something was wrong - but not old enough to have been in serious adult relationships themselves and to have that perspective.

Anyway, I woke up this morning to an email from my husband apologizing for what he's done and the pain he has caused me. He knows the marriage is over - I'm never going back - but it was still reassuring to see him say he's sorry and tell me that he and the AP have agreed to no contact. And they both plan to leave their jobs (where my H was AP's boss). During the first affair, I got none of this. In fact, for months after D Day, he was trying to figure out how to keep that AP in his life in some way as a friend. I'm shocked that he's taken these steps on his own, with no prodding from me, and that he's volunteered any information to me.

So today's behavior is a big change. And I know, it's just one email, and it's only been 24 hours, but at least it gives me hope that he is going to finally hit rock bottom enough to do some serious reflection and work on himself. Too late to save our marriage, but I hope that if he can figure some things out for himself, with time, the kids will be willing to have some sort of relationship with their father. He's flawed - we all are - but he's a decent human and has been a good dad, so I hope they'll find their way back to each other someday.

Ug. I’m sorry you’re going through this again but you sound like you’re handling it fantastically…better than I would be!

I’m sorry for your kids…it sucks at any age for one of your parents to behave badly in a very public way.

Wishing you the best as you move forward. Shields up.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that we cannot be in charge of another’s happiness. If he was not satisfied and cheated years ago he should have looked at what HE needed to do to fix things. So now he is no further along in maturity because an affair looked like just what he needed.

Your decision is based on your ability to protect yourself. He thinks the highs he gets from cheating are the real deals. Contentment is the real deal. Being happy within is the real deal.

Affairs are surface behaviors and have shelf lives and then the inevitable low comes after.
I hope you find your contentment because it sounds like you tried for many years to lift him up but he got too heavy.

I'm very sorry your H screwed up so badly.

I think these awesome kids mean awesome mom, too. I'm glad you have their love and support.

I’m sorry you have been put through this again. The first time we go through it it’s a different path to navigate. We all keep the road map handy in case it ever happens again. I’m not saying it’s any easier on the mind and body but we have established some muscle memory.

I woke up this morning to an email from my husband apologizing for what he's done and the pain he has caused me.

No!! He saw what it did to you the first time and couldn’t be bothered.

Here’s to 2025 and a new found freedom.

Again, you sound like you are I a very different place than before. It is the dividentvof having done the work as a BS. It's shitty work, but it can make one stronger in the end.

You're in a very different place than I was at Dday 2 as you've had years to process. For me, th shit met the fan and 6ish months later, I told my WW we were done. There's a lot of debate on human nature, and the mind is what it is. For me, people are who they are and few really change their core behaviour, at least in my experience.

What I wanted to tell you is that you are going to be just fine. The end of your M is not the end of things. Yes, there will be pain and scars, but you've already experienced those and survived. Judging from your post, you've thrived.

You will mourn and grieve for a time, and then you will begin to move forward and heal. Then you will grow.

Looking back, I oscillated between different emotions right after I decided to D. There were days I wept, moments I raged, but there were also times I felt genuine excitement and hope for the future, my future.

My kids were younger than yours, 12 and 14 I think, so that came with its own challenges. I had to parent and process simultaneously. It was not fun. Butvitvalso helped pull me out of being fully in despair.

It's been 6ish years now, so according to conventional wisdom, I'm healed. I'd agree with that, though my buddy is skeptical, but he is often wrong 😉. Do I feel healed? I'd say yes,though the pain and trauma will always be a part of me. I still, to a small degree, mourn the life I had, or more accurately, was under the impression I had. Save winning the lottery, I'll never fully rebuild. I've lost that sense of family, with its core and radiating arms. But family comes in all forms and close friends have filled voids.

I once thought that I was burdened by blessing. I had a wife, house, kids, career, purpose... then things fell apart. It forced me to reevaluate my life, and I looked at my M with fresh eyes, finally seeing what my friends had tried to tell me. I was slowly dying and didn't realize it. I was the frog and my M was the post of water. Now that I'm out, I have eyes that can finally see.

What I have now, after this whole process is peace and contentment, both of which gave been hard earned. I'm tying this on my phone while having my morning coffee in bed and staring out the window at a cold, wintery day... it's a guilty pleasure. I'm alone, but fully at peace. Where once the source of my greatest misery laid, now rest a couple of extra pillows. Having removed the thorn, I've now healed.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my blue days. Hell, sometimes I have no idea what the trigger is, but I k ow that the feeling is transitory and soon I'll be back to contentment. I lave learned to sit in those moments and learn from them rather than fight them. How does it go? We must look at them as unwanted guests but allow them to stay until we have learned from them...

Normally I don't post much anymore. I usually write and then delete, but I had some time this morning. I hope you find your own peace and contentment. As for me, I'm off to fix another coffee and crawl back into bed...

Sorry you are in this position, but I love your resolve. You will still have tough days and wonder if you are doing the right thing (you are!), so keep the course. Your kids will help you - they sound amazing. And great job exposing him.

Get your ducks in a row. And look into IC to help you navigate the roller coaster of emotions. There is peace on the other side. You will find it.

Sending strength.

(Like you, I hope my XWS figured his shit out after a 2 year relationship with me. But that is his to do - and no longer my problem. They will or they won’t- nothing we can do to affect that.)

Thanks, all, for the comforting words. Tonight has been rough, as H came over to pack up some clothes. We talked for a while, and the conversation included many gems such as:

"we don't need to rush through the divorce or jump to attorneys and an adversarial process" (when I want to through the divorce as fast as possible although admittedly am so angry right now that I would probably bring a contentious energy to the process)

When confronted with some of the angry / hurt sentiments that our kids have shared with me in the past 24 hours, "my relationship with them shouldn't be a one-way street. Why should I have to go to them to talk? Why don't they show enough concern to come to me to get my perspective?" (everything is about him wanting to share his perspective...never about his wanting to sit with the kids' hurt)

"I have a responsibility to protect OW" as they execute a plan to allow her to exit her job gracefully later this week. When I asked about his responsibility to protect our kids, his answer was "there are many hurt people involved in this, and there isn't a ranking". My view...the kids should be the one and only thing he's focused on.

My decision to call OW's husband (who also is a neighbor and long-time family acquaintance) to tell him about the affair in H's view shows that I am "vindictive"

His plan - had the affair not been discovered - was to tell me this coming Thursday that he wanted to separate and divorce. And then, he and OW would gradually bring their relationship to light as a legitimate new partnership, with no one the wiser that it had started while each of them were still married. Yet as of this morning, she was going no contact with my H to focus on her marriage. So how serious was their "love"?

And it goes on and on. I know the answers to these questions, as sadly I've been around this block before. Yet, by the end of our~hour of talking, I was in tears and wanted nothing more than to hear H say there was still some shred of hope for us. And why? Why am I feeling anything for him when he has had at least two affairs and treated me poorly throughout our marriage? Yesterday I felt tremendous relief to have a clear, obvious end to the limbo and wondering...and today I'm somehow wishing I could reconcile with someone who is not a safe partner. Why am I feeling this way?

Justsomeguy, I think you nailed it: Looking back, I oscillated between different emotions right after I decided to D. There were days I wept, moments I raged, but there were also times I felt genuine excitement and hope for the future, my future.

I guess that's where I am today. I have to remember it's been a day since DD#2, and I just have to trust that time and space will calm the oscillations.

I’m calling BS on the proposed plan of telling you Thursday he wanted a divorce, etc. That’s him attempting to rationalize his affair to himself. I know you know this.

Divorce is hard. Remember at this point everything he says and plans is about protecting himself. Not you. Not the kids. Not the OW.

Shields up. Get an attorney. Get your joint and individual financial papers together and printed out immediately in case he tries to move funds without you knowing about it.

Being nice got me absolutely nowhere during the D. It just made the wounds deeper.

Best of luck. Stop letting him dictate how things are going to go. He lost his vote the minute he started screwing around with OW.

YOU’VE GOT THIS.

The only way I can think of for dealing with situations like you are in is through ultra-reality.
That reality is that he has checked out, and it would require a significant and major change in his mindset for any chance of reconciliation. It’s even very likely – and sounds like so to me – that YOU don’t have any wish or belief that reconciliation is desirable or possible.

I think it can help you tremendously to accept some "facts". Well – "facts" in as much as anything can be factual in human interactions. These facts can help you tremendously moving on:
His world is fantasy. It’s where he mitigates all the pain and damage. OW leaves the job with no consequence for him (as a superior dating a member of staff...). OW leaves her marriage. He leaves his marriage. Everyone rides white horses along the sandy beach... Reality has yet to kick in.
He’s trying to keep everyone happy. He’s amazed at how some (like the kids) aren’t sharing his joy and appreciating his efforts.
He probably envisions this scenario where you two divorce as friends and maybe even you and the kids send him a nice card when he marries OW and then you all meet for coffee on Sundays and laugh about the past. Maybe he plays golf with OW ex jilted husband in the afternoon...
He envisions a financially safe and ample future for all.
He thinks you all can solve this amicably over a cup of coffee and save on legal cost. Keep this all civil and nice and cheap.
He thinks you will take part in this fantasy by being compliant to the divorce, and in working your butt off in establishing a relationship between your kids and their dad.

Then there are some "facts" we the BS sometimes fall for:
You will get revenge.
He will lose his kids.
You will get the house, the cars, the boat, his golfset...

I previously encouraged you to read up on divorce in your neck of the woods.
I never advocate going for a contested divorce. Do this as "nicely" as possible. But by its very definition divorce is confrontational, and IMHO it’s more an act of focusing on the real issues and avoiding the minor ones. People don’t divorce because they get along so well, and as a rule they don’t hang around each other after the process.

I think that if you realize and embrace the reality this can be a much quicker and less painful process.

For one – it is a process. It’s a process of the correct papers being filed at the correct place within the correct timeframe. Initiating the process might give you more leeway and power in maintaining that process. It also removes the power of waving the D threat from his hands. It gives you some control.
Even if done with a mediator, even if you two agree to sit with the mediator without legal representation, then YOU have your attorney in the next room. Nothing is agreed on or signed without consulting an attorney.

Once again – don’t aim at being unfriendly or confrontational, but don’t fear being either. Your attorney will tell you what’s fair. As long as you are within "fair" then get what’s yours. Like... if he thinks he should keep his pension or 401k and you have a legal right to some of it... get what’s yours even if he says it’s "unfair".

Don’t take on roles you don’t want. It’s not your role to make the kids like him. At the same time – don’t place any hindrances between them and their dad. Make it clear that they don’t have to chose sides on this issue.

One final suggestion:
"Half of everything" does not equate to half of every item. If you have a clear picture of the total assets/debts of the marriage you can maybe agree to give way on one item and get an advantage on another. For example: more equity in the house in lieu of his pension/savings.

Finally: You won’t get revenge... Not the way you think at least. Maybe he and OW will be happy and live a great life or whatever. Maybe not. Your revenge is that YOU will live a great life and what happens to him in the future will have no impact on you other than how it might impact the kids.

Arnold01.....you ask why you have any shred of hope?

Because YOU LOVE. Yes ...you are a person who loves. And that is precious. What a tragedy. May God comfort and guide you in the right direction. I do know this, He can heal and mend. But He also can lead you to a new direction.

First of all, I'm so sorry. What a shitty time of the year to have your life unravel.

Your STBXH (or as someone said to me early in my D process: shitbox) is delusional. Truly. And I suspect he's probably NPD or on the narcissist spectrum.

And I know, it's just one email, and it's only been 24 hours, but at least it gives me hope that he is going to finally hit rock bottom enough to do some serious reflection and work on himself.

Which is why, there is no rock bottom for these guys. What they've done, in our perception, is catastrophic and if it was us, we would be checking into the nearest psychiatric clinic, but these guys... nope. Despite the irrefutable evidence that they've destroyed their families with their decision making, they just don't hit rock bottom. You need to let go of that hope and start to accept that this is genuinely who he is.

Exhibit A:

Why should I have to go to them to talk? Why don't they show enough concern to come to me to get my perspective?"

You sound good. You're the one hitting rock bottom at the moment, realizing that this M wasn't going to be good for you, not now, not five years ago, and certainly not five years from now. It will take you some time to detach, that's normal in a long term marriage, but in the coming years you will start to see him and the marriage more clearly.

If you haven't done so, get a therapist and start working through this. Also, get an STD panel in any case. This sucks, but it could be worse. The sooner you start digging out, the better you will feel. Getting control over your life again by moving forward with the divorce will be critical in your healing.

There was a beautiful article recently written by the wife of the actor who left her for Ariana Grande in Wicked. She's a therapist and the fact that she had her life so publicly blown up when he left her is horrifying. She has a great line from the article though that I think is apt here "Knowing what you now know... you are stronger than you assume. Some of what you loved most about your partner was actually your own goodness reflected back to you; it's yours to keep and carry forward."

Big hug.

I am so sorry for what has transpired.

Your very selfish STBXH (shitbox😂) doesn’t get it.

And never will.

😡 email apology
😡 not putting kids first
😡 not wanting to "rush" the D
😡 protecting the OW

All self serving behavior.

I understand your hurt. Doesn’t make sense why you want to get some type of acknowledgment or apology or feeling from your cheating husband.

But deep down you know that even if he shows you any signs of remorse, it’s fleeting and designed to make him feel better. Not you.

You deserve better. I hope your kids survive this.