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General :
Letter of apology?

Topic is Sleeping.

 Stillconfused2022 (original poster member #82457) posted at 5:48 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

My husband and I discussed sending the OM a letter of apology. I am glad that he feels remorse and cares about the OBS but I wonder whether it would be painful for the OBS. My question is for any BS but particularly for the men because I don’t know if some men would not want this. I can say that I would have appreciated a letter of apology from the married OW. It would not likely restore my opinion of her but it would set something right in the world for me.

Does anyone have an opinion of whether this is a good idea?

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 10:17 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

posts: 379   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8809268

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:31 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

No, please don't. As a BS, the OW tried to apologize to me and it was extremely painful. Plus, you don't want to put anything in writing that might be used against you later.

PS, AP'S apology letter caused me to have a panic attack.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3476   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8809269

1345Marine ( member #71646) posted at 6:41 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

The only way your husband should apologize to the OBS is if the OBS were to come after him to confront him/yell at him/ fight him/ whatever. If AP had reached out to me in any way the only result would have been enraging me to go after him. That's just my .02. Your husband needs to completely leave that man alone as much as it's his choice. If the OBS makes it not his choice by reaching out via text or social media, I'd still recommend silence. Just don't respond at all. If somehow OBS knows how to contact your husband physically or over the phone, then and only then, should your husband apologize, with his mouth and not in writing, in an attempt to pour some cold water on the fire and get both men to a place that they're able to peacefully neglect each other and try to heal their own lives.

posts: 100   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Eastern US
id 8809272

Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 9:45 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

Absolutely not! Best thing the affair partner can do is stay as far away from the betrayed husband for life! That’s just my opinion but I don’t ever, and I do mean ever, want anything from that POS. That may be because he’s a serial cheater who continues his life of screwing other women and wrecking families.

posts: 244   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8809276

annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:05 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

No! Just let a sleeping dog lie!

There's enough pain all around, please, please discourage him from doing so.

posts: 12158   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8809279

MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 11:06 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

I think you should explain to your husband that contacting this man would like traumatise him and that he's being sel absorbed to try and minimise his guilt by offloading inappropriately.

He owes R and apologies to only you, and the OBS needs to be left in peace.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809280

HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 11:46 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

What could he possibly say? Dear OBS I’m sorry I had sex with your wife? He can church it up and talk about his FOO or unmet needs or whatever other garbage WS use to justify their crap, but that is all the OBS is going to see.

I know we try to not generalize here, but I can tell you that OBS is very likely thinking of the many ways he can physically hurt your husband. No apology will resolve that.

To be honest, if AP sent me a letter I would think he did it to mock me, to show me he could still effect my life or something. I get furious just thinking about the idea.

Me mid 40s BH
Her mid 40s WW
1 year EA/PA

"Just" a R, getting by

posts: 396   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8809284

CFme923 ( member #82955) posted at 11:52 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

Please don't. My WHs AP was so determined that she HAD to say sorry to me to make herself feel better that she harassed me. Any sort of contact with her brings me panic.

Now in my WHs case, the OBS reached out to me and asked if WH would be willing to talk to him over the phone. He had a few things to say. My WH agreed and what resulted was a surprisingly civil conversation where OBS expressed how devastating WH made his life along with AP. My WH apologized for his actions and promised NC. OBS told me after he actually felt a little lighter. I think this is an exception though.

posts: 99   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023
id 8809286

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 12:56 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

My xwh's ap sent me an apology and it did nothing but enrage me. I found it insulting at best, actively traumatizing at worst.

IMHO, the ap has absolutely NO right or reason to ever contact the OBS.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8809292

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:51 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

Has anyone of the above posters suggested he not do it? laugh

I think it would be a terrible idea to contact the husband.

In 12-step program the ninth step is to make amends:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Even there – a program based on making yourself accountable for all your transgressions – they have that caveat for those where a direct amend would injure them or others. Making direct amends to the betrayed husband would definitely fall into that group.

There is NOTHING your husband can tell the husband that makes things better. Nothing.

What 12-step suggests in situations like this is to make amends in other ways. Like if he had been abusive to a former spouse who has since moved on and doesn’t want any contact with him then he could contribute to a domestic abuse center.

Maybe that would be an idea? If he wants to make amends then suggest he volunteers his time (not money – time is a greater gift) to a needy charity? Maybe if he has some specialist-skills (roof the homeless shelter, fix that single-mom’s car, cook at a soup-kitchen, visit the elderly…)

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:52 PM, Monday, September 25th]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

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id 8809298

SadieMae ( member #42986) posted at 1:56 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

While it may be a good exercise for him to write the letter; I think the best option would be to then either read it to the wind or burn it. He needs to realize that this is an exercise for him, not for the OBS.

Me: BW D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020
Yay! A new D-Day on 11/8/2023 WTAF

posts: 1414   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8809300

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 5:49 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

While it may be a good exercise for him to write the letter; I think the best option would be to then either read it to the wind or burn it. He needs to realize that this is an exercise for him, not for the OBS.

Agree. In my early days remember being indignant that OW had never apologized to me. I remember someone here pointing out in a similar type thread that there is likely nothing OW could write or say that would make me feel any better about it and in all likelihood, anything she might say/write would probably piss me off more. I remember considering that and trying to engineer what a perfect apology from her might look like/say and realizing there was nothing she could say that would bring me any peace. I wanted to be mad at her and there was nothing she could say that I wouldn't be able to twist to continue with my anger. If nothing else, I would resent the fact that she would likely be using the apology (and in essence ME) to make herself feel better. In my mind, she didn't deserve that.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2134   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8809323

 Stillconfused2022 (original poster member #82457) posted at 6:27 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

Well at least it sounds like there is very clear answer here, i.e. don’t to do it.

I know he doesn’t want to hurt this guy worse because even during the affair fog he was horrified at himself for hurting this man - NOT ENOUGH TO STOP WHAT HE WAS DOING! Plus the AP was always trying to behave as if the husband wouldn’t mind. She implied that her husband was gay, which I find very very unlikely. We have mutual anquaintances and there was no evidence of that.

I think I haven’t dismissed it outright because I want him to feel that he wronged this person. Emergent8 said that she thought she wanted an apology and I have wanted an apology as well. I like the way she described the thought process that brought her to realize she didn’t want it really. I have wanted it because for the last 8 years this woman has always behaved like everything that happened was completely my fault. I ran into her face to face just a year ago, she pulled into a parking lot where I was parked and rolled down her window and started screaming at me, all pent up with rage. I just rolled my window up and drove away. I think she is legitimately mentally ill. She ended up in a psychiatric hospital on the day I found them in the woods together. My H had told her there would be no more contact and she was begging me to let her remain his secretary. To be clear no one was trying to fire her from the practice, just insisting that she move to become a different doctor’s secretary at the same practice.

I dont really know what the OBS knows. 8 years ago I only knew that the OW had tried to kiss my H, her boss. I called the husband. Then I received a facebook messenger from him saying he had received my voicemail and didn’t want to know anything else. Now I wonder if it really came from him. Now that I know that it was an intense many month physical cheating A I feel some responsibility to tell him but I am having trouble sorting out whether that is the right thing to do.

The alternative of doing some volunteer work as an act of atonement seems a better idea.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 10:20 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

posts: 379   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8809332

MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 12:33 AM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

Just a note here Confused, as he has ASD he will work in moral absolutes, which might make him think sending the letter is the "right" thing - he just might not be able to imagine the emotional impact on the person getting the letter.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809518

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 1:01 AM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

The answer is no because it opens the A and feelings up again, its better off left alone.

However, AP (stranger) sent me an apology in response to my WW's NC message, he assured me there would be no further contact and wished us well, he was misled about the status of our M. At the time it was a comfort to me and allowed me to put him out of my healing equation. I felt closure in my rage towards him.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3458   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8809520
Topic is Sleeping.
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