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Remain best friends after an affair and breakup

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 soobaroo (original poster new member #83344) posted at 1:54 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

My wife of 33 years had an affair that went on for 6 months so she says. I came home early from work and caught them together at my house. Wife left and rented a house but wants to be best friends. I tried that for a short while but realized I can’t be friends with someone who betrayed me and I no longer respect. I completely cut ties with her and we are getting divorced. I must say I’m feeling better being away from her. Just seeing her made me upset and angry. I was afraid of being alone at first but getting used to it. At least I have a nice big house while she lives in a tiny depressing rental house. The deal in our divorce is I pay for her car and insurance while I get the paid for house. She may come to regret all of this but there is no way I would ever go back to her. Like many say the shock, anger and hurt is absolutely horrible but life will go on.

Terry

posts: 1   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2023   ·   location: Mi
id 8791044
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:07 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

First of all: Just in case it’s a mistake then you might want to edit your signature.
It’s a generic enough text that can be seen at the bottom of all your posts, but if the word that is there is your name, then you just might want to protect your anonymity by going to the profile menu and changing your signature.
Not a big issue – the content right now is very generic and only limits the possible people to maybe half a million or so…


But the idea of everything being fine and friendly… that’s a common request from the wayward spouse.

If you guys are divorcing there isn’t any need for any form of relationship beyond what coparenting and you might want. If no kids, then you can live a good life without ever seeing her again. At the same time – you don’t gain much from hating her for years to come. Your goal should be to eventually feel very indifferent to her.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8791049
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:13 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I am so sorry you had to be part of this group (although we are great people! If I do say so myself.)

"Wife left and rented a house but wants to be best friends"

This would be a hard no for me. I think of it as getting something from me that is not earned. I have learned to choose my friends wisely. I do not willingly/knowingly associate with unrepentant cheaters/cheater supporters.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8791052
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:54 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you've been betrayed. This is just a note to say that SI has a Divorce/Separation forum that may provide support. Check it out.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30041   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8791071
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DebraVation ( member #51156) posted at 7:01 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

It's a common theme. I am going through divorce at the moment and my WS also wants to be great friends and doesn't seem to believe me when I say it won't be happening. He thinks I am mad now but I'll get over it.

It suits them because then they can convince themselves it wasn't such a bad thing they did because - look! - everyone is happy now. And also maybe it will stop you talking badly about them to other people. Not to mention that often the WS didn't REALLY want to leave the marriage so this is the next best thing and they get to keep a bit of contact.

Weird. You wouldn't stay friends with a spouse that beat you so why would anyone accept this kind of abuse?

posts: 1610   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8791091
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 7:56 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

There's cordial, and then there's friends.

H has gone back and forth on us going to D. During those "pro-D" times, he's promising we'll be friends and he'll always love me no matter what. I told him that I will always love him too, but we're not going to be friends. Friendly, respectful, cordial, business partners who go home at the end of the workday and have their own separate private lives. Remaining friends to me means remaining enmeshed and not allowing room for healing and growth apart.

Your "business partner" will be just that- a business partner who helps tend to the business of raising your children. No more. There's no need for hostility or rudeness or being cold and unkind with a co-worker you don't like... Just... not much more than a casual indifference. Striving for the casual cordial indifference is going to be crucial going forward- think about weddings, baptisms, birthdays... there's going to be a lot of future events shared with your kids. For THEIR sake, achieving that kind of indifference is going to reduce the amount of stress and drama they will have to deal with around what should be joyful times.

Good luck. I know this sucks.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1183   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8791104
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 10:08 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

HI Soobaroo,

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I don't think you are under any obligation at all to be friends, much less "best friends" with this woman. It might be advantageous for you to remain collegial while the divorce is ongoing but afterwards you can cut and run.

She is likely trying to remain friends because a) it makes her feel like less of a jerk, both to herself and others (if I were really a villain, he wouldn't still be friendly with me. This is all for the best); and b) she wants the best of both worlds (your companionship and her AP on the side).

Your only job is to take care of you and surround yourself with people that love and support you. She is clearly not one of those people.

I wish you all the best.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2167   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8791136
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 10:24 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I’ve been close to three situations in my life where a cheating partner has betrayed their spouse terribly and then wanted a fantasy amicable split where everyone remains happy friends. Then, when the person who’s been stabbed in the back isn’t all on board with fantasy friendship land, it’s suddenly their unenlightened fault for not being completely hunky dory fine with being treated like garbage.

You don’t owe friendship to a person who has shown themself to be profoundly unworthy of it. There’s no use in being mean or nasty, especially when kids are in the picture, but friends? Them wanting that is a form of rugsweeping. They don’t want to face the truth of how badly they have treated another human being.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 638   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8791137
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 2:00 AM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

Remain cordial to get through the D, but friends? No, its a way to try to control you and stay in your business. Cut ties and let her live in la la land.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3468   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8791160
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hardyfool ( member #83133) posted at 2:11 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

Friends? I can count the number of people I consider friends on one hand. These are the people who I can count on, regardless of the situation, regardless of what I can do for them in future and have never over the decades betrayed me.

How can an X possibly fit into that category?

The advice I got during the divorce from my lawyer was spot on, I can remember the big ones.

1. Consider it a business meeting with a known liar with hostile intents.

2. Be professional, pokerfaced and unemotional.

After all the legal nonsense is completed just walk away. You can treat them how you wish afterward.

[This message edited by hardyfool at 2:11 PM, Wednesday, May 17th]

posts: 144   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2023
id 8791211
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bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 5:35 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

Being "best friends" after caught cheating and destroying the relationship? That's just a typical power move. I hope you don't fall for it.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8791259
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 12:44 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

They all want to remain friends once caught (one of the first things my WH said was "can we remain friends pls?") of course they do, it eases their conscience. 🙄

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1851   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: UK
id 8791371
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:36 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Ex asked why we couldn't stay friends. It's just modified cake eating. They still get to lean on you as a friend and get to the new relationship energy from AP. I'm an introvert so I don't need many friends. I'm pretty selective in them. In no way did she make the grade.

posts: 1603   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8791385
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