I really don't want to downplay the transgression here, please do not think that this is that. I do think it's important to keep in mind that as far as we know right now, nothing went past inappropriate texts. I imagine that her mother's affair and her parents' potential divorce is weighing heavier on InkHulk's daughter at the moment, than this is. It may not be registering to her as the trauma as we are assuming it is. Again, the last thing I want to do is suggest that this is okay or be seen to be standing up for OM, but as someone that was formerly a 16 year old girl, this is pretty standard shit. Again, 16 year old girls should NOT HAVE to deal with it, but I get the impression some of you might be astounded by the number of adult men who wouldn't think twice about being inappropriate with 16-year-old-girls (heck, I recall stuff creepier than this from when I was 12 - I'm not sure some sketchy texts would have even registered). I'm not talking about aggressive line crosses like touching but the "softer" stuff, like being overly familiar and using terms like "sweetie" etc. I swear, when I was this age, I could have walked into any crowded room, taken my shoe off and thrown it and hit at least 5-6 guys like this (all 2-3 times+ my age!). At the time, some of it felt mildly creepy, but when you are 16 and naive and this is so common (it really is!), it can skew your view of what is normal. It can even feel empowering for an adult to talk to you like an equal. Obviously, your perception of it changes with age. I'm a full grown adult now and work in a professional male-dominated field where I wear a suit most of the time, and I STILL get older men (who are for all intents and purposes my equals) calling me "sweetie" or touching my waist to get around me when it's obviously NOT NECESSARY to do so. Please let me be clear, I'm not saying it's okay (it certainly fucking isn't, and I don't think it should be acceptable on a personal or cultural level), I'm just saying that this probably wont be the first and certainly not the last time InkHulk's daughter has to contend with inappropriate behaviour from run-of-the-mill paternalistic creeps. I do think Mrs. InkHulk showed incredibly poor (dangerously poor) judgment if she did, in fact, pass on her daughter's phone number to an adult man - seeing nothing wrong with it. I see deleting it after-the-fact as just typical, CYA Wayward behaviour.
I meant she put her in a position to be groomed. I don't think she knew that would happen. I don't think she thought of your daughter's safety at all. It was all about OM, and keeping him close.
She says she had never considered it. She’s fucking blind, probably willfully.
Precisely. I don't say this because I'm not empathetic to InkHulk's daughter. Quite the opposite. My heart breaks for her that she was caught up in any of this. I just think that in our collective outrage, we are getting a little lost in the weeds. I believe that the most relevant issue is the fact that Mrs. InkHulk's wife is still lying and continuing to display Wayward behaviour in putting herself (and her desire to control the outcome) above the wellbeing of her husband and her family. I think its deeply problematic that her reaction to InkHulk moving towards separation is to insist that "she's not going to be treated badly" and offering some sort of grocery store peace offering instead of moving heaven and earth to show him that she's ready, willing, and able to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to save the marriage.
To everyone: If you can allow me this, set aside the grooming piece for a second and tell me how you’ve been able to recover from D-day 2, or from Trickle Truth atomic bombs. From where I stand right now, I just don’t see it.
I think it's just too son. When I say I was done after my "fuck it" moment, I mean it. I really was done. I wasn’t waking up the next morning wondering whether there was still a chance. My old marriage was dead (and I suppose it was dead on D-day) – it’s just that I was finally was prepared to stop trying to salvage it. I agree with Oldwounds and CT and WOES that it’s what happened NEXT that made R possible. WOES wrote:
I don’t want to give you any false hope because not every WS is built for the work that has to be done to get through this. The truth is that she has to begin some Herculean efforts to heal herself, dig down deep and discover some pretty ugly truths about herself and then genuinely own them in order to work on changing them. She has to fight like Hell for this marriage and demonstrate that it is her number one priority. She has to find remorse for her actions without you prompting her to do so. She needs to drop all of her defensiveness and learn to see her actions through your perspective. She needs to be able to question her motives and be honest with those answers. She needs to understand that her actions hurt people beyond your circle and can have lasting effects that take time and energy to heal.
I agree with this 100%. It’s not about what she did or convincing yourself that what she did wasn’t a dealbreaker. I think this where the BTW crows gets lost sometimes (I'm not saying they are around at the moment). They just keep seem to focus on how bad it is, as though you are incapable of seeing that. Obviously ALL of what she did was awful and unforgivable and sufficient on its own to be a dealbreaker. The affair set your marriage on fire, its just that now instead of frantically trying to salvage what’s left, you’re ready to put down the fire hoses and let it burn down. From the ashes, you can both decide to turn your back and head for greener pastures or you can decide to try to rebuild. Rebuilding is a lot of work and you know pretty well by now, that you cannot do it alone. The question will be whether you wife is cut out for this type of labour. Right now, its not totally clear that it has registered to her that the house is on fire.
What's happening with the separation from a practical/logistical perspective Ink? You had mentioned she was packing, but if she's grocery shopping, it sounds like she's still in the house.
I forgot myself for a bit. Oh,and the OW, who follows me here, had some "how to recover from CSA" books overnighted to me. Wonderful surprise this morning.
What an absolute POS. I’m so sorry Hellfire. I cannot imagine living such a pitiable existence that I would find it worth my time to stalk someone for 7 years and (checks notes) tease them about CSA. It really doesn’t get much lower than that. Does she kick puppies and children with disabilities in her spare time when she's not still obsessing over you? What a nasty, deeply pathetic person.