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Reconciliation :

Topic is Sleeping.

 Grieving (original poster member #79540) posted at 2:20 PM on Saturday, May 6th, 2023

It’s been almost three years since i discovered my husband’s affair. Reconciliation is good overall, but I still struggle with that flat feeling of being mostly back to normal, but without the same spark I felt toward him before, and with an undercurrent of sadness that I feel now and then.

I don’t get many triggers any more, but I’m struggling with one right now.

Tomorrow is our 23rd anniversary. I wish the day were just over or non-existent.

On our 20th anniversary he was deep in his affair. On the actual day he was in another state, caring for his dying sister. I was holding down the kids and home fort. It was the height of the early pandemic lockdown. We couldn’t celebrate together, but in the days prior, I went through 20 years of photos, culled the best ones of us together, wrote a heartfelt long email, and timed it to send at midnight. I also made a really emotional and celebratory social media post, which is somewhat unlike me (I’m relatively private). We were texting each other leading up to midnight, and I called him right on the dot of 12. We talked for a while, professed our love, reminisced, etc. He also did a social media post (also unusual for him).

One of the first things I noticed as things came to light over soft DDay 1 a month later, and nuclear DDay2 a month after that, was the phone records of that night. He was texting her in between texting me, and he called her as soon as he hung up with me. I cannot tell you how seeing those phone numbers and time stamps destroyed me. It obliterated every vulnerable thing in my heart. I knew right then that even if we fully reconciled, our anniversary was done forever.

It gets worse. After DDay2 in July of 2020, there has been almost no trickle truth.

Except for one significant instance. Late last summer he wrote me an email to tell me there was something he hadn’t told me that he wanted to get off his chest.

So, in May 2020, while he was at his sisters on our twentieth anniversary, I planned a picnic and hike for us to a place we had never been so that we would have some kind of 20th anniversary celebration when he returned. Everything was shut down—there were virtually no other date options available. Even most parks and nature trails were shut down, so it took some real effort to figure out.

The trickle truth? He turned around the next week and took his AP to the same place. A place he would never have known about if I hadn’t planned our anniversary outing there. And she blew him in his truck. The vintage 80s jeep Comanche pioneer truck that I helped track down and do the logistics to buy a month before that because he needed a truck and I wanted him to have something cool because he was working so hard and going through such a time with his sister.

Folks, that was a rough piece of trickle truth. I was stunned and just tried to absorb it, but with our anniversary staring me in the face tomorrow it’s come up like a bitch. I feel sick. How does anyone ever wrap their head around shit like this and fully move on? I mean, I’m ok. But sometimes I wonder if being ok just means I’ve just adjusted to carrying around a lot of pain and sadness as I live my ordinary life.

Why do we, the betrayed, feel this so hard? And why don’t they? I feel pretty sure nothing would make my husband happier than going out on a nice romantic date tomorrow, celebrating, and having great sex. That would not be hard for him to do at all. And I love him, and I wish that were the case for me. But here I sit, wishing the day didn’t exist.

[This message edited by Grieving at 6:12 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 624   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8789889

Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 4:04 PM on Saturday, May 6th, 2023

The day my wife and I married many years ago is looming in the near future for me, too.

And my Dday is two days after that.

My wife’s AP was my (our) best friend. He was IN our wedding.

I will never, ever celebrate that day again. Ever. No matter the state of our marriage or the reconciliation process. Never, ever will I celebrate the day she made promises to me and he made promises to protect our marriage. He used his proximity to my family to stab me in the back with her willing and enthusiastic cooperation.

So fuck that day.


My WW knows better than to even mention it or hope for any kind of ray of sunshine from me. She’d love for me to say something that sounds like "I’m all in on this marriage" but I won’t say that because I’m not and I definitely won’t say anything like that on that day.

She did this. So did your husband.

It feels like it feels to us, you and me. I wish I could just go to sleep one day and wake up about four days later with the anniversary and Dday behind me.

I feel your pain. I hear you.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 330   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8789891

Saltishealing ( member #82817) posted at 4:43 PM on Saturday, May 6th, 2023

I completely understand your thought process. Our wayward spouses were not betrayed. So of course they want a romantic anniversary and have no problems with milestones. I am only a year out from d day but I anticipate I will feel as you do. I’ve told mine to not ever plan to celebrate our anniversary. I don’t plan on wearing my wedding rings again. I hope my feelings change. Maybe they will but knowing myself I don’t think they will. I also don’t think I’ll feel the same for my WS. I’m not sure how you can. I also have an underlying sadness. It’s still pretty pervasive for me but I hope that gets better with time.
Big hugs to you. My anniversary is in four months and last year was the first one since d day. It was hard.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2023
id 8789894

 Grieving (original poster member #79540) posted at 9:16 PM on Saturday, May 6th, 2023

Thank you both. It means a lot to have people understand. I wish we didn’t have to experience this.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 624   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8789917

ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 3:26 AM on Sunday, May 7th, 2023

Sorry Grieving,

Many BS don’t want to celebrate Anniversaries anyway. This is the day vows were exchanged that turned out to be meaningless to our WSs. The way your WH shit all over yours makes it especially hard.

My WW and her last AP met in March of 2004. They "bonded" over the fact they had both just their 20th Anniversary’s days before (3 days apart). Meanwhile, I think we have "made it" to 20 years despite almost all of our friends being divorced. So even though I would not want to celebrate that day anyway, it’s now a big Hell No. I’m already dreading next year when we hit 40 years since "that day". Our kids and friends (none of who know about my WW’s infidelities) will want to make a big deal around a day I am already dreading almost 10 months out….

I hope you can find the best approach to get through the day with minimal triggers and sadness.

Me: BH (61)

Her: UW (60)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 143   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8789936

Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 12:21 PM on Sunday, May 7th, 2023

Grieving, I'm so sorry you had to experience this, it was heartbreaking to read your post. Over the years I read so many similar stories, one would think I’d already be used to all sorts of shitty behavior WSs exhibited. And again, they manage to shock me. If cheating had to happen, if it was absolutely unavoidable, don’t you wish it was at least more humane? I know this is ridiculous – there’s nothing humane about cheating. But to know that nothing was sacred to them, to know you and your marriage meant so little, somehow really makes it worse. I have examples of my own, and I agree with you – it’s hard, perhaps impossible, to wrap your head around shit like that. How can you move on knowing they are capable of such inconsideration? Perhaps this is what enables them to move on, celebrate, and enjoy the anniversary as if nothing happened – they don’t stop to think about things.

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."

posts: 369   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8789956

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:51 PM on Sunday, May 7th, 2023

How does anyone ever wrap their head around shit like this and fully move on?

You don't really. You heal yourself (which takes a long time and at times is a bitch) and the rest will fall in place - whatever that looks like. But the power here is in healing yourself.

Why do we, the betrayed, feel this so hard?

Because we were the victims of the betrayal.

And why don’t they?

Because they believe the lies they tell themselves.

You need to do what you need to do on this day.

I have trigger days (Mother's Day, my birthday, Valentines Day) and on those days I make it known to WH that he is to pretend they don't exist as special days. That's what I have to do to protect myself from the hurt he inflicted.

Ironically my anniversary is not one of those hard trigger days.

You have been hears. And you are totally entitled to your feelings on this.

Bottom line - you do what you have to do to protect you and your feelings. And if you have to tell him how you are feeling and what your expectations are, that's what you have to do. If that is one of those days that is lost as a collateral damage from the A - that's what it is. You have to protect yourself.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3776   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8790010

FireandWater ( member #80084) posted at 12:51 AM on Monday, May 8th, 2023

Grieving - You and I have the same anniversary. My wedding was 35 years ago today. This should be a milestone for us, but this date will be forever tainted in my mind. It marks the beginning of a marriage that WH chose to end by cheating. We're trying to build something new, but the original marriage is dead, at least in my mind.

To make it worse, WH screwed his AP on this day in 2020. They had just begun the physical part of their A about a month or so earlier. They were both working late every night, then going out to her car to do it, including on our anniversary. He wasn't going to tell me, but I read an email in which she was ranting about him not giving her anything on the following Valentine's Day. She said, "I deserve to be recognized on Valentine's Day. These holidays can't possibly mean much to you and your wife. After all, you shared your anniversary by having sex with me." It was at the beginning of the pandemic and I recall him working all day and late into the night. I sat at home wondering if he was going to try to get home earlier that day, or at least call, text or come home with flowers. None of that happened and now I know why. He was otherwise occupied.

So today, I'm sitting at home alone, watching TV, cleaning the house. He's out at an all-day rehearsal for a show he's in. It's not his fault that rehearsal was scheduled to be all day. And we did have dinner delivered last night and ate together. He acknowledged the anniversary as soon as we woke up, said some kind words and that he loves me and really wants to work on our relationship. I think he's being sincere. He did a few things before leaving like picking up the weekly grocery order so I wouldn't have to do everything today. Still, the day seems tainted. It's not the happy time it used to be. This is only our 2nd anniversary since D-Day. Perhaps it will get better with time. Perhaps it won't. My mom called today and excitedly said, "Happy Anniversary! 35 years! That's such a big accomplishment!" She doesn't know about the A. I just said thank you and then we talked about other things.

I totally empathize with you, Grieving. Hopefully things get better for us in the future.

posts: 163   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2022
id 8790035

 Grieving (original poster member #79540) posted at 2:15 AM on Monday, May 8th, 2023

Hi FireandWater. I’m so sorry we’re in the same boat, with the same anniversary. And I’m sorry your husband ruined yours in that way. It’s painful to read about, let alone experience.

My day went better than I thought. My husband isn’t clueless, and outside of his affair, he’s not a selfish person. He was kind and sensitive, and we talked for quite a while about where we are. It’s a difficult reality to look at where all this has landed us, 23 years into our marriage (25 years being together). His affair killed, or at least mortally wounded, some really precious things about our relationship. But we do want to be together. It’s just a long, hard road to walk.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 624   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8790038

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 6:26 AM on Monday, May 8th, 2023

How does anyone ever wrap their head around shit like this and fully move on?

(((HUGS))). What a HARD thing to deal with. It is such an INSENSITIVE act!! My H and I had planned on going to an actual working windmill that had been converted into a restaurant when I was with him in Holland. It only opened at certain times though...and my H was working 12 hour days...7 days a we were never able to make it there.

When I had to go back home for a family emergency...I was so HAPPY when my H told me he was able to go to THAT restaurant. He then sent pictures of the inside...describing it to me just like the waitress had told him. WE were sharing this experience...except my H left out the fact that he had brought the adultery co-conspirator to that restaurant. SHE WAS THERE when he was taking the pictures. When I realized what had actually been going made me so SICK.

This was a place I couldn't OWN. I couldn't go back there...sit in the SAME place she did...and TAKE IT BACK. But my H came up with an idea that helped me in a pretty cool way! One day while he was at H asked for me to meet him at a local restaurant here in the town we live in. This restaurant is very quaint...but we had NEVER been in it for over 2 decades that we had lived here. Like the restaurant in Holland...this restaurant wasn't open when my H would be off of work. But on THIS particular day...he was insistent that we go there. It wasn't quite a year after I had my Dday.

I got to the restaurant first...and it was a very cute place! Then my H came in...with the biggest GRIN on his face. I was confused as to what was going on!! He came to the table and whispered in my ear..."You OWN the restaurant on the 25th now!" This was my mantra shortly after Dday...that I was going to OWN the A. I was determined to TAKE BACK as much as I could...and I was going to BEAT any trigger I came across!!

It didn't even dawn on me...but he had taken the adultery co-conspirator to the windmill restaurant on the 25th of the month...and this particular day was the 25th!! It wasn't the same month...but it was a very similar scenario being done on the 25th!! And HE thought about it...planned it out...and wanted to HELP me OWN this!!

My H can NEVER go back and UNDO what he did. I am sure it is the same with your H...if my H COULD go back he would...but he can't. However...he CAN try to do something that will HELP me to not be so triggered...and he sure came through that day!!

I also found out that my H took the pictures and talked to the waitress when the adultery co-conspirator was in the rest room. He knows how much I love history...and he wanted to make sure he got as much about the history as he he could relay it to me. He was still talking to the waitress when the adultery co-conspirator came back to the table. My H didn't think of it as bringing HER there...he saw it was opened...and wanted to share the history with me as best as I could get it. It did NOT turn out to be the sentiment he wanted...because he wasn't supposed to share HIMSELF with anyone else!!!

Have you talked to your H about WHY he brought the adultery co-conspirator there? It might be a moot point for you...and I completely respect that. I have seen where this happens often. Waywards will go to similar places...or do similar things that they do with their Betrayeds. But the Wayward can't replicate the feeling that they had when their Betrayed was with them. It may bring a little insight into his mindset during that time.

My day went better than I thought.

I am so HAPPY it went better than you thought!! It is a long hard road to walk for sure. But when y'all are walking it isn't so bad all the time!

ETA: This revelation HURT you...and your H knew it would. But he told you anyway...because he knew it was better to be HONEST than to keep this secret from you...and not allowing you to HEAL like you should. That is pretty significant Dear Lady!

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 6:30 AM, Monday, May 8th]

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6605   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8790051

 Grieving (original poster member #79540) posted at 9:55 PM on Monday, May 8th, 2023

Thank you, Want2B. I always appreciate your take on things. I do think it’s important and meaningful that he chose to tell the truth, even though I really wouldn’t have known otherwise.

When it came out, I did ask why he took her there (although I asked it in the much more loaded sense of how he could possibly have done that; it just seems so perfectly designed to take a giant dump on anything special between us). He insists he didn’t see it that way. It was Covid, and there was literally nowhere to go. Everyone was quarantined at home, they didn’t want to get caught together at their place of work, where people weren’t supposed to be around each other, and most nearby parks/trails were closed or too risky—we live in too small a town for them to just go somewhere together, especially in Covid.

It took me quite a bit of thinking and searching and looking at options to find that place. So after I planned it and took him, it basically gave him the option of somewhere they could be alone together, which was pretty hard to find at the time. And so he took advantage of it. In his mind it wasn’t connected to our anniversary or special stuff with us at all, though he understands now how hurtful and clueless that was.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 624   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8790129

Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 2:14 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

One of my husbands shitty reasons for continuing the affair was that I didn’t do anything for his 50th birthday. I was deep in child’s academic endeavors that took her out of town- but my spirit didn’t even make it a big deal as I usually make it. He was deep in his affair and had the effin’ nerve to be upset that I didn’t celebrate and throw him a party.

I’m the beginning months of reconciliation when the emotions are going wild he’d bring it up ——
I screamed at him "You DIDN’T deserve celebrating and the Universe knew it before I did!!!!"

He has never mentioned it again.

I think for me those dates- the disregard- those anniversaries that went with the texting both of us proves that nothing meant anything to them but themselves which is why they could sneak and call on their birthday and then turn around and dump them too- it wasn’t about anyone else but them.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 200   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8790157

yowbw2019 ( new member #74697) posted at 4:50 AM on Wednesday, May 10th, 2023

I have the same feelings about anniversaries. It was my 20th year with my husband last week and 10 married coming up in July. It was hard to "celebrate" anything. I haven't been on here in awhile as things have been relatively okay, but this anniversary was a trigger for sure (four years out from dday). I told him I didn't think we would be here and wanted to ask if he thought there was anything truly worth celebrating. I didn't want to "ruin" the day and it bugs me that I have these considerations when he never did. I definitely itely feel the flatness. I still do love him and similar to you, aside from his affair, i do think he's a good person, but I realize I'm still only half heartedly here in the marriage. Is there ever a time when you truly "move on"? Sometimes I think this is as good as it will get.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8790280

Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 2:34 AM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

About a month ago I decided to get off the Zoloft. The emotions ran high for a few weeks. During that time I was having issues when I looked at my wedding band. That was something she gave me as a gift, a reminder and a promise to be committed and faithful from that day on. It used to mean something to me, but it is now tucked away in my safe, a keepsake of a time since gone. I don’t know if she has even noticed it, I’ll bet she has but she has not asked me about it. I did tell her over the weekend that I haven’t been sleeping well as our anniversary comes up at the end of this month and it has been bothering me that it doesn’t really mean much to me and I figure that will make her feel bad and I am an individual who thinks of others feelings over my own. This thread was very helpful to me as I was feeling guilty of not caring about my anniversary. I’m glad I’m a member of this group. You are all so supportive. Thank you.

posts: 212   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8791164

 Grieving (original poster member #79540) posted at 10:47 AM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

I’m so sorry, Coping. I hate that we’re all here trying to process betrayal and the impact of it on our lives, but it is a blessing to have companions on the journey who understand.

I see in your signature line that you are carrying most of the reconciliation load—is that still the case?

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 624   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8791189

Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 11:03 AM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

She has very slowly upped her game, she has finally committed herself to reading about and understanding the affair. After reading "How to help your spouse heal from you affair" she has admitted that for the last two years she has behaved selfishly, and she outright told me that my behavior during these last two years have been unbelievable and she is amazed that I haven’t left her. She has never really been a very empathetic person her whole life, even her best friend from high school echos this. I do struggle at times. And I wish she was more supportive and caring, but I’m learning to find happiness outside of her. I’ve been doing things with my friends more that doesn’t include her. Those are always good times. This life we now have to trudge through just really sucks a lot and I don’t really want it to continue like this much longer.

posts: 212   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8791190

Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 12:41 AM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Grieving, thank you for sharing your story on this issue. I read it last week and it struck home. Next week is our 24th. Husband also went for hikes with POSOW (not as catchy as POSOM but I still kinda like it). Thanks to your post I did some pre-planning. His affair was seven years ago but I also got some fun information last August. That the supposed EA was actually PA. I have actually celebrated our anniversary for past 7 years but now it’s different. When they kissed vows were broken, that marriage over. I have accepted 3 beautiful wedding bands and new engagement ring in last 7 years. Now they’re just stuff on my hand. Because of your post I requested he take the day off. not to celebrate but to provide support. I also requested he spend this weeks IC session discussing how an anniversary must feel to a betrayed. I’m now going into the day with at least a degree of serenity. I’m glad your day went better than expected. My husband is also generally very kind and I was tied up in knots trying to think about dealing with kind acts/gifts on that day from him. It is better that he is now prepared so thank you for helping me be proactive.

posts: 354   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8791325
Topic is Sleeping.
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