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Wayward Side :
Dday #3, husband has asked for divorce but we arent moving forward

Topic is Sleeping.

 mollyfauxlightly61 (original poster new member #83154) posted at 5:35 AM on Saturday, April 8th, 2023

In fact, we are still acting like everything is normal. We are both incredibly confused on what to do.

As a quick overview: My very strong emotional/sexual online affair started May 2022, he discovered the affair after July '22. I struggled to see my marriage as something worth fixing, but wanted to try.
I also struggled to disconnect from AP. I wasn't actually able to do so until December '22. Which I was staying true to since our marriage was thriving and we fell back in love with each other, until the end of March '23 while visiting a friend for a week.
A few days after I got home from my vacation, an old friend of my husband reached out on Snapchat.. After a day and a half of him pushing to cross the line, I caved. I talked to him for 3 days before the weekend hit. By Sunday(3/26), my husband knew by my behavior that I was hiding something.
He confronted me, asked who it was, then said he wanted a divorce.

We are military, I don't live close to family or friends. We are H.S. sweethearts, been together half our lives and no with one else.
Before the affair I had been expressing to my husband how unhappy I was in the marriage, I didn't think we were compatible anymore. I was changing as a person, and wondered if marriage was even for me. He pushed back with everything and our marriage stayed stagnant. I completely checked out.

Its been almost 2 weeks since he told me he wants a divorce.
My husband is beyond angry with what I have done. He is, of course, completely broken. What breaks my heart is seeing how much I hurt him.
He told me after the most recent dday, that he doesn't hate me, he doesn't plan on treating me any different, he does not want to place his anger onto me, and that he still loves me...
We are going out to lunches, town festivities, running errands together, cooking for each other, sleeping in the same bed, even have had sex a few times... With an anticipated move to a different duty station this summer we talk to our friends like nothing has changed between us,. He has offered to pay for everything I need from here on out(I quit my job 5 months ago due to a toxic environment/poor mental health).
It's strange, because in a way we are doing better than before...

We both are stuck. We cannot imagine our lives without the other.
My husband has told me he doesn't want this divorce, but he needs to protect himself, which I understand.
In the last 2 weeks we have had a few bad days, at times I feel the need to speed up my departure from the house.

The other night he got drunk(which has been a huge challenge in our marriage for years) and raged, understandably so...
The next morning he was apologetic for his behavior. He realized he truly needs to stop drinking.
I spiraled fast. Because I have been asking him for 10 years to stop drinking...

He said maybe the best thing we need to do is to stay together and help heal each other. He actually doesnt know if that's what he wants, or if its even a good idea but considering we both don't want this divorce its why he said it.
It was confusing to hear; heartbreaking and delightful..

My husband, my mom, my best friend, and myself all believe the best way for me to gain confidence as a person is to spend some time gaining my own independence. Moving in with my best friend where I can work, and work on myself.
Over the last few years Ive realized how much my relationship has shaped me as a person, into someone im not proud of. A huge cause to my low-self esteem and lack of confidence. Resulting in depression and self-loathing.
My husband isn't abusive at all. He is a great and proud man with high expectations of himself. I just often felt I was never accepted by him and always being pushed to better myself. Even though that was not the narrative he was pushing. While also supporting me 110% in everything I ever wanted to do.

We both want this marriage to work. But I think I am so lost and he is so broken by me that we don't know what where to go from here.
I love this man so much, he has always been there for me, we have great memories living in 6 different states together over 10 years of marriage. I have always supported him in everything he wants to do for his career.
But I am truly terrified that a year or 2 will go by and we will be right back in heartbreak because we didn't take time apart to work on ourselves.. especially me. Not particularly because I stray again, but because we fall back into old behaviors, his drinking gets bad again, my depression sets in again.

We have been in MC since dday#1. We have our first appointment since all of this on Tuesday.
I have been trying to managed my mental health for 2.5 years.
I was in IC but when I brought up vulnerable issues they were disregarded and appointments were randomly cut short so I stopped going...
Working towards finding a new therapist.

I guess I just need support...
Share your thoughts? Or experiences.

Its so hard for both of us to stick to a decision.
Staying together and working through it sounds lovely until you think about where we both are mentally and emotionally.
Choosing to take time to separate sounds like the better option for us, until I think about planning everything out. Then I can't cope.

I appreciate your responses and request you take it a bit easy on me... *wince*

posts: 1   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2023   ·   location: All Over, USA
id 8786230

BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 4:48 PM on Saturday, April 8th, 2023

Hi, Molly. Welcome to SI. I'll be frank with you, but please know that it's coming from a place of support. As a WS myself, I'm not looking to throw stones, but rather to help you see what this looks like from someone who has been through cheating on someone I loved and come out the other side.

I'm not sure if I missed a D-Day (your title says 3, I only count 2 in your story), but I tend to doubt it would change much, because your story is already all over the map. Your marriage was stale and stifling, and your husband wants a divorce, but also you're both really committed to saving the relationship. In December, your marriage was thriving and you had fallen back in love, but you were also still struggling to extract yourself from AP. Having broken that strong connection, it took 1.5 days for a random interloper (a friend of your husband, no less) to get you to cheat again.

Gently, Mols, I think you're rewriting everything to the point where you have no idea what's true and what's not. You're trying to feel the way you believe you should feel, but the "should" is driven by changeable beliefs. One minute your marriage is a chain around your neck, and the next, you're desperate to save it. You've got resentment and guilt swinging back and forth in wild arcs.

I think you're right that you need some space in order to figure out what the truth is. From the high level view, I think it's that you married young and can't be happy until you've had some freedom to explore. Even the facsimile of happiness that you had over the winter wasn't enough to keep you from deliberately sabotaging your marriage again at the first opportunity. If that's true, then I'm not sure separation (rather than the clean and permanent break of divorce) is particularly kind to your spouse. If you need the ability to date, it should probably end the relationship permanently. Fear and guilt are not a good foundation for rebuilding, and your husband deserves someone who is with him for better reasons. Recovering from infidelity is a massive challenge even if the WS is all in.

You have challenging work ahead of you no matter what direction you go. Accept now that all the paths to authenticity lead uphill. When you turn off other people's voices, which view does your heart tell you to climb towards? Are you being honest about what are you leaving behind on those other mountaintops?


posts: 3627   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8786266

Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 2:37 PM on Tuesday, April 11th, 2023

Welcome molly. I'm sorry that you find yourself here. I do agree that your story is a bit hard to follow, but I think I get the bigger picture, which is kind the most important, you had a couple of EAs (emotional affairs).

One of the things that we always tell wayward spouses (WS, in your case WW-wayward wife) is that they need to make themselves safer partners. You cannot be a safer partner until you take some time to do the work in understanding why you choose to cheat. Most often that requires that you get yourself into to a therapist that specializes in infidelity and can help you figure our your reasons as to "why" you cheated. Remember, that you swore during your wedding vows that you would always remain faithful to your marriage and that commitment had a hole(s) in it that allowed for you to cheat. While your husband has been betrayed and his feelings there are valid, keep in mind that the wayward betrays their vows and most importantly, themselves. I doubt that you got married with the intention to cheat (because none of us plan to cheat on our wedding day) and cheating sometimes is like that classic boiling a frog in a kettle of water in that it is gradual. With online EAs, it starts with tiny boundary crossings and over time you suddenly realize that you've gone way past the point of appropriate relations with a non-spousal person.

Aside from therapy, one of the other things that is important if there is hope to save your marriage is that you cut all contact with the affair partners. Look up how to write a NC message/email and send one over and block them on all avenues (email, texts, social media, etc.)

[This message edited by Bor9455 at 9:51 PM, Friday, April 21st]

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 665   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8786491

Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 10:32 PM on Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

BS here - no stop sign, so duck.

After a day and a half of him pushing to cross the line, I caved.

Jesus, take some responsibility for yourself. By your own admission, your marriage was thriving, and it took only a day and a half for a stranger to get you to "cave?" You are not a safe partner.

He said maybe the best thing we need to do is to stay together and help heal each other.

Super bad idea. Two broken people cannot fix each other.

My husband isn't abusive at all. He is a great and proud man with high expectations of himself. I just often felt I was never accepted by him and always being pushed to better myself. Even though that was not the narrative he was pushing. While also supporting me 110% in everything I ever wanted to do.

The bolded part is basically just a bullshit excuse then, right? He's great, supportive, was totally not pushing you to be better, but you're gonna SAY you felt like he was, because....?

Not particularly because I stray again, but because we fall back into old behaviors,

Yes particularly because you stray again because you already have at least 3 times. And your old behaviors definitely include straying.

Do the right thing and set him free. You are bullshitting yourself so much, there's no way you won't still be lying to him too.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 49 Him (WH) 52 Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 335   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8787584

SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 3:23 PM on Thursday, April 20th, 2023

Trapped74, you have a PM.

posts: 10033   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8787661

Breachoftrust ( member #66252) posted at 7:11 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

From the betrayed spouse point of view I think trapped74 pretty much covered it.

Married 19 years, together 24. 3 children. DD1 2/21/18. DD2 6/7/18 EA. BS 49, WH 50.
DD3 3/30/22 PA

Actions prove who someone is; words prove who someone wants to be.

posts: 77   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2018
id 8787957

Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:31 AM on Monday, May 8th, 2023

Hi. Bs here

Your husband sounds like a nice guy.

I think you need to spend time apart. It doesn’t mean you won’t get back together but you sound like you need to do a fair bit of work on yourself. Be brave. Face it. Otherwise you both will get hurt again. And divorce will be certain.

Being alone is not easy, so if you do want your marriage, get to work with full commitment.

All the best.

To be redefined

posts: 2205   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8790039

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:31 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

The Stop sign on threads in this forum is to let BS know the thread is a Wayward-only thread, it’s not a permit to come in swinging if it's missing… The guidelines posted before entering this forum still apply…

Molly – Divorce doesn’t come gift-wrapped. You don’t "ask" for one, you file for one. If your husband wants a divorce he can go talk to an attorney and file. It would be common courtesy to let you know, but for all it matters the next knock at your door could be someone serving you the papers.

I usually don’t place too much weight on a spouse asking for a divorce. In most cases it’s a grown-up version of the kid that threatens to hold it’s breath until it dies if mommy insists they eat their greens.

I think the "I want a divorce" statement with no follow-up is more of a cry for help. A cry for change.

Molly – Consider doing this.

Consider sitting your husband down one evening when you both have plenty of time. Remind him of his statement regarding divorce and point out that he can go file whenever he wants. It’s not what YOU want, but it’s enough that he files and that will get the ball rolling.

But… make it clear that you would prefer reconciling.

To make that possible – offer him the complete truth. The complete timeline, the complete details, how you kept in contact, the accounts, emails… Ask him what he needs – what you can do to convince him that you are committed to saving the marriage.

Offer to go to MC. Let him know you are going to IC.

Just place everything on the table. Any detail he asks – be prepared to answer. Well… you can refuse to answer but NEVER lie. Never be caught in contradictions.

If you do the above the worst that can happen is he divorces.

If you don’t… he divorces…

Lies, lack of trust and trickle-truth probably kills more marriages than the affair itself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:31 AM, Tuesday, May 9th]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12398   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8790193

numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 3:39 PM on Friday, July 7th, 2023

It sounds like both of you have decisions to make. Relationships are hard without infidelity afterwards it approaches the impossible. There is no way to determine what will happen, but you clearly don't think being together is a good idea.

Be kind to both of you and divorce. If it makes it easier to believe in the fairytale to get there then fine. Fairytales are not real life and are an escape from this thing we call life. Disney has done us a great disservice in setting unrealistic expectations for romantic relationships.

I did not say it was impossible, but building a new marriage is approaching that level. The marriage is over BTW. Does he really want to rebuild something he didn't know was broken? Familiarity is comforting and I hope he can see the difference between familiar and safe. Until you do a fuckton of work on yourself you aren't safe for anyone, including yourself.

You both seem to want different things in life, and just my .02, you both would be happier working towards those goals. Set him free so you can go chase that fairytale and he can find someone he feels safe enough to be vulnerable again.

Surviving infidelity doesn't mean you stay M'd. It does sometimes, but that path never involves fairy-tales. . those belong in pretend mediums where no one ever does the real work.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5116   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8798535
Topic is Sleeping.
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