Newest Member: IHateEverything


Dday #3, husband has asked for divorce but we arent moving forward

In fact, we are still acting like everything is normal. We are both incredibly confused on what to do.

As a quick overview: My very strong emotional/sexual online affair started May 2022, he discovered the affair after July '22. I struggled to see my marriage as something worth fixing, but wanted to try.
I also struggled to disconnect from AP. I wasn't actually able to do so until December '22. Which I was staying true to since our marriage was thriving and we fell back in love with each other, until the end of March '23 while visiting a friend for a week.
A few days after I got home from my vacation, an old friend of my husband reached out on Snapchat.. After a day and a half of him pushing to cross the line, I caved. I talked to him for 3 days before the weekend hit. By Sunday(3/26), my husband knew by my behavior that I was hiding something.
He confronted me, asked who it was, then said he wanted a divorce.

We are military, I don't live close to family or friends. We are H.S. sweethearts, been together half our lives and no with one else.
Before the affair I had been expressing to my husband how unhappy I was in the marriage, I didn't think we were compatible anymore. I was changing as a person, and wondered if marriage was even for me. He pushed back with everything and our marriage stayed stagnant. I completely checked out.

Its been almost 2 weeks since he told me he wants a divorce.
My husband is beyond angry with what I have done. He is, of course, completely broken. What breaks my heart is seeing how much I hurt him.
He told me after the most recent dday, that he doesn't hate me, he doesn't plan on treating me any different, he does not want to place his anger onto me, and that he still loves me...
We are going out to lunches, town festivities, running errands together, cooking for each other, sleeping in the same bed, even have had sex a few times... With an anticipated move to a different duty station this summer we talk to our friends like nothing has changed between us,. He has offered to pay for everything I need from here on out(I quit my job 5 months ago due to a toxic environment/poor mental health).
It's strange, because in a way we are doing better than before...

We both are stuck. We cannot imagine our lives without the other.
My husband has told me he doesn't want this divorce, but he needs to protect himself, which I understand.
In the last 2 weeks we have had a few bad days, at times I feel the need to speed up my departure from the house.

The other night he got drunk(which has been a huge challenge in our marriage for years) and raged, understandably so...
The next morning he was apologetic for his behavior. He realized he truly needs to stop drinking.
I spiraled fast. Because I have been asking him for 10 years to stop drinking...

He said maybe the best thing we need to do is to stay together and help heal each other. He actually doesnt know if that's what he wants, or if its even a good idea but considering we both don't want this divorce its why he said it.
It was confusing to hear; heartbreaking and delightful..

My husband, my mom, my best friend, and myself all believe the best way for me to gain confidence as a person is to spend some time gaining my own independence. Moving in with my best friend where I can work, and work on myself.
Over the last few years Ive realized how much my relationship has shaped me as a person, into someone im not proud of. A huge cause to my low-self esteem and lack of confidence. Resulting in depression and self-loathing.
My husband isn't abusive at all. He is a great and proud man with high expectations of himself. I just often felt I was never accepted by him and always being pushed to better myself. Even though that was not the narrative he was pushing. While also supporting me 110% in everything I ever wanted to do.

We both want this marriage to work. But I think I am so lost and he is so broken by me that we don't know what where to go from here.
I love this man so much, he has always been there for me, we have great memories living in 6 different states together over 10 years of marriage. I have always supported him in everything he wants to do for his career.
But I am truly terrified that a year or 2 will go by and we will be right back in heartbreak because we didn't take time apart to work on ourselves.. especially me. Not particularly because I stray again, but because we fall back into old behaviors, his drinking gets bad again, my depression sets in again.

We have been in MC since dday#1. We have our first appointment since all of this on Tuesday.
I have been trying to managed my mental health for 2.5 years.
I was in IC but when I brought up vulnerable issues they were disregarded and appointments were randomly cut short so I stopped going...
Working towards finding a new therapist.

I guess I just need support...
Share your thoughts? Or experiences.

Its so hard for both of us to stick to a decision.
Staying together and working through it sounds lovely until you think about where we both are mentally and emotionally.
Choosing to take time to separate sounds like the better option for us, until I think about planning everything out. Then I can't cope.

I appreciate your responses and request you take it a bit easy on me... *wince*

8 comments posted: Saturday, April 8th, 2023

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