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General :
5 Years Ago This Weekend...

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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 1:06 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

This is the weekend that my wife was out of town 5 years ago where I started digging on her old phone because I didn't believe I had the REAL story. For 15 months, she had sworn up and down that it was ONLY phone calls & texts, that they had NEVER met up outside of the house (he was the contractor remodeling our master bath) and that there was NOTHING physical between them.

The digging (thank you Dr. Phone) revealed that she had been lying the entire time. They had met up. Multiple times. It had been physical.

D-day v2.0 was better than v1.0, though. There was no shouting. No anger. No outbursts. I just sat and listened-in silence-as she responded to my "confrontation". I had simply printed out the recovered text strings and laid them on her pillow for her to see when she had gotten home. I never said a word.

Over the years, this "segment" has gotten easier. I had hopes that it would merely "come and go" this year. Those were dashed on Friday night.

As some of you know, AP is part of the same Tae Kwon Do center where my youngest studies. Typically, he takes the classes at our gym (AP is never there) and does his sparring on Thursday nights (AP is not at the center on Thursdays).

But, because I had a speaking engagement on Thursday evening and Mrs. Cap had a migraine that day, we had to do the Friday sparring.

I expected that AP would be there. Not the worst thing in the world, since he is often at the belt testing as one of the judges. I am able to sit in the back of the gym, focus on my youngest, and generally not be bothered.

But last night was just one reminder after another. AP was assigned to work with the group my youngest was in. I had to watch the interaction all evening. At one point in the sparring, my little guy brought over what I thought was his belt that had come off to have me hold onto it. Turns out, he has picked up another kid's belt (who was looking for it at night's end). AP actually had to come up to me and point out that I was holding the kid's belt.

As I pointed out on Dorothy's post regarding physical violence, had this been 5 years ago, I couldn't have been in that room, let alone carrying. Yesterday, however, was a 180° different story. I didn't get upset (internally or externally). I merely looked up, looked him in the eye when I was addressed, told the kid "Oh, sorry dude" handed him his belt, and went back to what I had been doing.

In that brief moment, I could see how uncomfortable he was having to speak to me. That was a warm fuzzy.

But still, I had hoped to not have things quite so front and center. Obviously, it is on my mind moreso than I had hoped, otherwise I wouldn't be posting about it.

But, for those who are fairly new in this game, I wanted to pass along hope. Hope that the sting does dull over time. Hope that you can bump into the AP without a visceral response. Hope is available.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8782941
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 3:27 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Thanks, Cap. Mission accomplished, a little flicker of hope added in this home tonight.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8782963
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 3:50 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you still have the reminders, but very glad it’s gotten better over time.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 624   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8782964
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 5:02 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Sorry you had to experience that. Was your wife there with you? Was she empathetic? I hope so.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3595   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8782970
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 1:01 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Actually it was just me and the youngest.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8782996
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 2:06 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

That’s one of those triggers you anticipate the worst, and then get through it. Triggers always reveal something and it seems you are now aware of your healing.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3388   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8783006
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:51 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Well done, Cap. AP is approaching the level of insignificance he deserves.
And look at you all healthy and healing :-). Love to see you doing so well.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5918   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8783035
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kaygem ( member #57956) posted at 3:34 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Hi Cap! It's been a long time but I decided to come onto SI tonight, the 6 year anniversary of my Dday. I was glad to see your post, I've wondered how you were doing but just needed to stay off of SI for a while to be able to focus more on our R and my healing. I am happy that you were able to go through that day like you did. Yay for forward progess in this crazy, pain filled journey.

Me: BW
Him: fWH Remorseful, doing the work
Dday-3/17 (ONS's)

posts: 1459   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2017
id 8783115
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OneInTheSame ( member #49854) posted at 8:55 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Way to rock the calm spirit! You are my hero!

I am assuming because of the martial arts connection this is perhaps not the only time you’ve been in the same space with AP? If this is correct, do you think that has acted to desensitize you, toughen you, or diffuse your reaction? I’m asking because I have not in over seven years encountered my wife’s AP, her ex-gf. I know that time often files off many "sharp edges" we develop regarding the AP, but I am curious if proximity over the years, exposure to meeting, serves to whittle away some of the desire to do immense bodily "revenge" so to speak. (I still picture myself giving her the good old-fashioned back-hand — just because!)

Anyways … congrats on another milestone. smile

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2533   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8783123
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 3:53 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Progress made! Good going!

BS Fwh

posts: 3267   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8783147
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 4:38 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

kaygem, so great to hear from you! It has been a journey, to say the least!

OITS:

I am assuming because of the martial arts connection this is perhaps not the only time you’ve been in the same space with AP? If this is correct, do you think that has acted to desensitize you, toughen you, or diffuse your reaction?

I first discovered the connection a couple of years ago, 100% accidentally. We had been testing at the gym during his regular class time, so we never even went to the TKD center location. But, we were gone for one of the tests & needed to do it at the center. I happened to have just pulled into the lot when I saw AP's vehicle and said (to myself because the young 'un was right with me) "No F'n Way..."

That evening, the AP was quite uncomfortable (judging by his face throughout the testing & when he had to present my guy with his new belt). I might have taken a bit of satisfaction in that.

Over the next couple of years, I've run into him a couple of times at the center. It was never on any "antiversary" dates, so not really any trigger combinations for me until this past weekend.

Overall, while there have been maybe 3 or 4 total "run into's", I don't think that is what has helped desensitize the most. That was really my EMDR work that helped.

And I'm sure that seeing his level of discomfort is a bit of an aid as well. 😁

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8783156
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 5:03 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Well done, Cap. AP is approaching the level of insignificance he deserves.

Eggzactly!!!

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8193   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8783165
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Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 9:26 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Good job Captain.

Now, I'm posting in your thread.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5514   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8783231
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 12:43 PM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

CaptainRogers...AWESOME post!!! Thanks so much for sharing it and giving others HOPE!!! This is what I LOVE about this site...people in different stages of their healing...HELPING others as they go along!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6604   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8783439
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