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Just Found Out :
Everythıng just changed in a day

Topic is Sleeping.
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notanotherchance ( member #46677) posted at 1:21 AM on Sunday, April 9th, 2023

I made my decision about divorce clear to her for a few times, but she insists on denying and she seems determined to save this marriage no matter what happens. She has the same difficulty of accepting the truth now, as when I found out about the affair I guess.


You do not need your WW to give you the thumbs up to file for D. Delaying is just a stalling maneuverer, for what reason on your side I am unsure. Your WW cheated on you brutally after only 1.5 years of M, she did not confess voluntarily, she confessed cause you caught her, albeit with a steady stream of trickle truth, she has shown you exactly what qualities you would never expect from a spouse. It seems like your hoping she will snap out of the WW body and return as your princess bride. Good luck with that. You know what you need to do, so why haven't you after four months of listening to the verbal diarrhea pouring out of your WW mouth. The only one prolonging your misery is yourself.

Sending strength my man

posts: 589   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2015   ·   location: Overseas
id 8786319
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 5:05 PM on Sunday, April 9th, 2023

Hi, I am so sorry you are here. I have been here for 5 years, and I will be honest my view changes sometimes based on the situation.

I think your ww has some serious issues and individual counselling is a good thing. No matter what.

But I am not sure divorce is the only option. Cheaters lie for all kinds of reasons, and they are not trustworthy but they can change. I don’t think your wife is a particularly sophisticated cheater from what you have said.

Your ww did the unthinkable. Absolutely. But if you truly think it was the only time, and you want to give it another chance, you could. I don’t think this is unrepairable. It all depends in you. It is totally your choice to continue or to end the marriage. If you think you can get over this and forgive her and you think your love, and she is still worth the work, then you could give it a shot even for a defined period.

But if you cannot look at her or conceive, that you can forgive her, absolutely end the marriage, I just don’t want you to think that divorce is the only choice. Divorce needs to be the RIGHT choice for you.

I eventually chose divorce. It took me a long time before I knew it was the right decision for me. Take the time you need to make the right decision for you.

No matter what, your journey will not be smooth sailing for a little while. I wish you all the very best.

To be redefined

posts: 2205   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8786359
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Icedover84 ( member #82901) posted at 2:56 PM on Monday, April 10th, 2023

This is my first reply here on SI, as most of my other interaction has been on [no soliciting] forums.

I'm a few weeks shy of one year of D-Day here and in my honest opinion, you should get out now. I've been with my wife for thirteen years, we have a mortgage, thirteen animals, and separating would be a huge pain. As I'm not completely innocent myself, we chose to stick it out and work through our issues. But the point I'm getting to is that there hasn't been a single day this past year where I haven't thought about it. Not just in passing, but truly focused on it and obsessed. I still read these forums every day. I'm still broken and distrustful. We've come close to calling the whole thing off several times since.

I feel that you're going to be experiencing some pretty wild emotions for a long time, and they could affect you in ways you don't even see coming yet. You're barely in this marriage and you don't yet have a strong foundation to fall back on. It's like you just started building a house and the frame collapsed in a windstorm, but they didn't pour the footings right, so the foundation is also heavily damaged. This might not be something you can come back from, and you don't have much to fall back on.

I really believe you should walk away. Sometimes I wish I had. You're young and have plenty of time, plus you appear to be flexible in regards to relocating or changing up career paths (I'm fiercely attached to my hometown and family, so you have an advantage over me).

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:12 PM, Monday, April 10th]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2023   ·   location: NY
id 8786406
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 12:14 AM on Tuesday, April 11th, 2023

married 1.5 yrs and no kids. Cut your losses buddy. Everyones gonna say, oh it your decision, you decide.... No kidding. Im here to tell you that as someone who has moved on from his WW that cheated on my, and we were married for 10yrs, and dated for 7 prior, your best bet is to cut your losses now. YOure still young, you can find someone better without this baggage.

Once you get rid of your WW, you will open up a new world for dating and you have no kids. Look at all the repeats on this site. Don't get tricked into staying. I would not waste more time on this. She has cheated on you only after 1.5 yrs. Whats she gonna do in 5, 10, 15 yrs when she gets board. Don't wait around to find out. Please please read around this forum and you will see, those that go the divorce route don't have regrets, but many of those that stick around and give their WW/WH another chance end up with multiple Ddays, sometimes yrs later. By then you will have to lose your house, your savings and retirement, and have kids. Think about how messed up it would be with kids.

posts: 1424   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8786441
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 11:25 AM on Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

How are you doing DS?

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8787494
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 TheDesperateSilence (original poster new member #83034) posted at 4:03 AM on Saturday, April 22nd, 2023

Hello everyone, just wanted to make another update after some time.

I am currently doing much better. I have been working out for the last 3-4 months and never skipped even a day. This makes me feel better and improves my faith in myself and my own willpower.

I am happy to see that I have some valuable friends and I enjoy sharing my time with them. They make me feel more comfortable and relaxed.

One of the issues however, I think I am smoking a bit more than usual now. Before it was like 5 cigarettes a day, now it is around 20 per day. I want to start reducing the numbers again some day soon.

I currently stick to what my IC advised. I was really killing myself to make a decision on leaving or trying to reconcile. And 99% of the time it was filing a divorce. But my IC said I should not be bothering myself with this and I should not be stressed out. She said, "Let her try to make you feel better and just observe her. You do not have to do anything and you have every right to do anything you want with your life in this situation. She may struggle and feel down because of her actions, but maybe she needs this to grow up. She was the one who destroyed everything, and now she needs to try making up for it, if she does not want to lose you forever. The final decision will grow by itself and in the end, you will know which path to chose eventually." After a few months, if she fails to convince me, or although she does everything right and I still cannot see a future and cannot forgive her, then it is also decided. Also I believe since my decision would be more certain in time, I would feel a bit more determined and relaxed about this. I can see now, this is not the end of life, no matter what I decide in the end.

I can really see my wife is ready to do anything now to become a better person. She is reading lots of reconciliation books, and doing online research on how to fix something like this almost all the time. Some days I feel really down and tell her whatever I have in my mind to say with no filters, even if it seriously breaks her heart. (Not as much as she broke mine of course.) So far she is still holding on, and not giving up from her hopes for reconciliation. She is doing IC as well and doing whatever her IC says. Her priority is to do whatever is necessary to help me get over this A. She is really putting effort to make me feel better, seems not really working so far because I still cannot see myself with her in the future but I can see she is trying really hard. I am totally unsure if she will do anything like this again in the future because I still do not trust her at all, but since 12th March, she never lied to me (as far as I know of course) and she is only doing things I approve, and avoids things I dont like. She shares everything going on in her life with me, including all her social media accounts, her phone etc. She never goes out alone, not even with her friends. So far what my IC said really comforted me. I will keep trying to fix my own life and I will keep observing her behaviour.

The way I see it now, she wont be able to change how I feel towards her. Because my entire view against her is totally fcked up now. But if I am going to decide the divorce, I do not want to do it in a way of saying go f. yourself to her. Instead, I would like to thank her for the 5 years we had together, wish her the best and leave as a confident and strong man.

Maybe even some day, I can start trusting other people again. But for now, the only person I trust is me, and I intend to keep it that way for some time. I will always listen to my gut feeling and never ever dodge it no matter what happens.

Thank you very much for being here, helping all people in this terrible situation. I will keep updating If something new comes up, or any changes occur. But I can say, I am starting to accept what happened, and getting ready to decide what needs to happen next.

[This message edited by TheDesperateSilence at 4:15 AM, Saturday, April 22nd]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Netherlands
id 8788051
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:44 AM on Saturday, April 22nd, 2023

Thanks for the update, TDS. I gave myself 6 month increments to evaluate the situation. If I wasn't ready to make a decision, then I went 6 more months. Having a timeframe for deciding helped me to not push the decision off forever.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8788057
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Mene ( member #64377) posted at 4:33 AM on Sunday, April 23rd, 2023

This may sound strange to you but make a lot of sense to the veterans on SI.

Many of us wish we were in your position.

Why?

No kids, short marriage. You’re young and have a great career ahead of you.

LEAVE HER!

Your marriage will never be the same again. Many of us stuck it out because we are older, have children (3 in my case) and financially under pressure. If only I was in your position…

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 869   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8788156
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seaandsun ( member #79952) posted at 9:05 PM on Sunday, April 23rd, 2023

The biggest problem in your relationship is your wife's planned affair, her determination to continue with the man even when she knows you have doubts.

you went out to dinner 1 day after sleeping with the guy in a place you don't go regularly, your wife knew she was caught and started to make up her story in her head, the point wasn't for the fiction to be sound, it was to confuse you, convince you to stay with her with personal issues and other things

she knows you and must have had such relationships in the past, you never caught her, you never doubted, she was overconfident and for the first time you followed the subject without hesitation.

You have to think about 5 years relationship, plan the polygraph and take it away

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2022
id 8788216
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 11:53 PM on Sunday, April 23rd, 2023

Agree with seaandsun. HIGHLY recommend a poly to verify her timeline as well as other adulteries, cheating prior to marriage, etc. Do this unless you’re 100% on the D train (which I’d highly advise - you’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase and she’s already betrayed you in the worst way possible).

posts: 366   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8788225
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Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 2:35 AM on Monday, April 24th, 2023

I've read your posts 'Desperate' and am encouraged by the way you've come around in your thinking and actions. It seems, and I hope that I'm correct, that you realize now that your wife did what she did with intent. It wasn't an accident. She didn't do it for any of the bizarre reasons she gave. She did it because she wanted to. She never thought of how it would affected you or the marriage because she thought she could get away with it. She has no excuse for her actions. She purposefully betrayed you, had no remorse, and would have kept doing it if you hadn't started questioning and the other man hadn't discovered she was married. She's only upset now because she got caught.
The best thing you can do right now is continue to workout, eat right, and become your own man again. Continue to trust your gut and break the emotional ties to your betrayer. Life will continue to get better for you as you find yourself again and realize that you will survive this and be a better person than you were before. Your counselor is correct that there's no hurry toward divorce, but if your gut is saying it's time to move on, then listen to yourself and move on.
I'm hoping for the best for you. smile

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1802   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8788233
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 3:45 AM on Monday, April 24th, 2023

But if I am going to decide the divorce, I do not want to do it in a way of saying go f. yourself to her. Instead, I would like to thank her for the 5 years we had together, wish her the best and leave as a confident and strong man.

Just wanted to say you are one classy guy ! It’s totally her loss to give you up for 2 hours of mindless sex with a stranger that too on Tinder. Also want to point out, the said stranger has more class than her to end things with her after knowing she is married. I bet if he wouldn’t care, she would still continue. She manipulated you during the affair and I suspect she is still manipulating you with all the reconciliation drama.

I do hope for you that you leave as a confident man.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8788238
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MessageInABottle ( new member #83020) posted at 2:10 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023

- Comment has been removed -

[This message edited by MessageInABottle at 10:19 AM, Wednesday, May 10th]

posts: 10   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2023   ·   location: netherlands
id 8788284
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 1:47 PM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023

How are you doing DS?

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8790426
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MessageInABottle ( new member #83020) posted at 9:19 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

The guideline really means BS ONLY.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:20 PM, Tuesday, May 16th]

posts: 10   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2023   ·   location: netherlands
id 8791013
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Icedover84 ( member #82901) posted at 2:05 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I'm not trying to force you to make a decision, but just think of how much fun she had f***ing that guy. She wanted it so badly she went out of her way to make it happen. Like, it was no "oops," she intentionally sought out and pursued someone else to take her clothes off, ravage her body, give her pleasure, and then she lied to you about it.

I'm saying this because you deserve to be so furious you're tearing walls down. She could have had you, the touch of a man who knows her, her wants, desires, fears, hopes and dreams. But she didn't, she looked for someone else. She looked for ways to hide it. She didn't want you to know that she was getting one up on you, and she loved that feeling.

If you aren't angry, then you're still in shock. She traumatized you. She betrayed you in the worst way she could possibly have.

If I were going down in flames, I would take her down and anyone else involved down with me.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2023   ·   location: NY
id 8791048
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 11:49 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

OP, I’m so sorry your WW has put you in this situation. I won’t go into detail about all the BS in her versions of her "truth", but I’ve been here for close to 7 years and will say that the way your WW is acting and behaving isn’t uncommon. My WW did the same, for many years, don’t be like me and lead R. She should be the one that leads.

I too agonized over how my WW was capable of doing this. I also suffered from the ED issues you spoke of, although, after dday 1 for me.

Your WW’s "reasons" for cheating are total BS. Here’s a simple version of why she cheated:

1. She wanted to.
2. The opportunity was there.
3. She took it.

When you break down cheating to its simplest form, she did because she wanted to. Lots of people will come up with reasons, and they may be contributing factors in cheating, but at the end of the day, she cheated because she wanted to, plain and simple.

It sounds like she lied to the AP as well. My WW did too, apparently my WW and I were in an open relationship, I just wasn’t aware of it. She told her AP this because he didn’t want this pissed off, 6’7", 250 lb husband to come find him. My WW knew what to say to get what she wanted. Same as your WW.

Don’t fall for the crying and professions of love. You are right to think "where the hell was all this when you were screwing your AP??"

My WW also emphatically told me we were going to save our marriage and she would do anything to accomplish this. It was strange to hear her say this. I said to her "you wouldn’t have had to save anything if you could keep your legs closed". To me, these statements are insulting.

posts: 832   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8791147
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 TheDesperateSilence (original poster new member #83034) posted at 10:08 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Hello everyone,

Wanted to make a small update after some time.

Recently found out that my wife was secretly checking my social media accounts and browser history regularly. I was having a chat with one of my female colleagues on instagram, and I totally see her as a friend. Then my wife was extremely upset with me for talking to her. We were talking about cars and how to call in sick at work... I was angry with my wife, for checking my accounts secretly and told her that she is no longer someone who can do that. Then I changed all my passwords and she went totally crazy. She smashed my tablet and old phone with a hammer. I tried to stay calm and took a video of her doing it. Then she suddenly grabbed my phone and threw it on the ground. She was just about the smash it and I managed to get the hammer from her in the last second. I yelled at her and was very furious with her. Then she went upstairs crying and took a bath, fallen asleep in the bath tub. She even took her sexy pictures in that bath tub, I dont even want to think about who she sent those pics.

My final decision is divorce. We have spoken afterwards and even divided the household goods already. She is ready to accept in any way, and I am planning to divide everything for both of us as much as possible to be able to continue our lives separately. I will start the divorce process within a week or two. We put our house on sale. I am already looking for a new house to buy for only myself. I am also actively looking for a new car as well, we will sell the old one. It will take time, and will be a difficult path but no matter how much it hurts, I began to notice that her presence hurts me, reminds me all the bad memories, everything that she put me through. She is kind of like a source of pain for me.

I was a nice guy, i was considerate and thoughtful, at least I thought I was. I was buyimg her gifts, I really tried to make her happy. Now I feel like I get furious pretty easily, I am always stressed, there seems to be an itch inside me which never goes away, trying to tear me apart. I am trying to fight it and try to be back to myself again. It will take time, but I will be back to my original self again in time. This angry, stressed, anxious man is not who I am.

I also noticed a few hours ago, my wife also posted here on the WS side. She even wrote a reply under my post here as well, mentioned something like I am happy with my future gf, working out regularly etc. Thanks to SI staff, they removed her silly post. She means the colleague that I had a chat with about cars, only a chat. Even after she actually had sex with someone else, even after she became someone else's girlfriend for a month, she still has the courage to attack me for just talking with some other girl in a friendly way. To me, it is nothing but dicacity.

Long story short, I dont even know how to feel inside. But I know what I must do. We had a long and nice 5 years relationship together. I really loved her with the deepest parts of my heart, I enjoyed our relationship until the end, I even remember that I was thinking I have everything I ever dreamed of, before the affair. I was feeling complete with her. Everything was just crashed like a piece of glass in front of my eyes, just like my heart and she was the one who smashed it relentlessly, selfishly, for just a fuckboy, for a few days of joy and pleasure.

I am pretty sure that I can no longer be with someone, who can do this to me after all I did for her, for us. She acted like the most selfish person in the world. And I cannot take it anymore.

I know it is a longer message than I intended, but wanted to make an update after some time with you guys. I will keep posting during the process as well. Thank you very much for being here and letting me share my story, with all these bullshit going on in my life. Even just typing all these makes me feel a bit more relaxed. I really appreciate all your replies here.

[This message edited by TheDesperateSilence at 10:26 PM, Thursday, May 18th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Netherlands
id 8791471
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 12:23 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

For some people, infidelity just isn't recoverable. It's a dealbreaker and no matter how hard you try, the feelings just aren't enough anymore. That's okay. There's no right or wrong answer. In the end, D can be a better choice for BOTH of you. It's in no one's best interest to stay together when the marriage is broken beyond repair. Neither of you could be truly happy if that's the case.

You are both still young and have a lot of life ahead. If each of you invest in your own healing and recovery, your chances for future happiness will be great.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7049   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8791508
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Icedover84 ( member #82901) posted at 2:43 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

The sad news, unfortunately, is that you will never be your old self again. It's gone forever, because the innocence you had at the time has been shattered. You've seen too much, and from reading these forums, you're too aware of something you weren't aware of before.

You will forever be a different person from this point on, whether you wanted to be or not. It's up to you what kind of person you choose to become, though. You can definitely find happiniess, but you'll never be able to erase this trauma, only learn to live with it.

Make sure you stay in therapy as long as you need to. It could be years. I'm just over a year in and I have no intention of stopping anytime soon.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2023   ·   location: NY
id 8791622
Topic is Sleeping.
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