Reconciliation suggestions for what to do for my BH
Hello all,
About 2 years ago I(28) cheated on BH(31) -no child - and we divorced. For some time, we were both sad, angry and tried to move on to our lifes with two confused minds in seperate ways. After we divorced, we were still living in the same house - since we bought it together and were trying to sell at that time.
The thing is, while we were in that situation I realized that I wanted to work on getting back our relationship. I was having therapy during that time and this was what I discovered. After some thought on it, I had a talk about this with BH. He agreed to spend time together but not as H-W or BF-GF since he didnt want to feel attached again. Bu we promised each other to talk about if we talk with other strangers for a new relationship purposes. For over 1.5 years, we were loyal and true to each other. I tried everything to get BHs trust which I did (this what BH says). BH even says that I am a completely new person: more mature, more loyal to him and he is suprised for that. I am very happy about the person I've became. I am happy that he feels better due to new me. I am still trying and BF also tries to trust me and get the bad memories out of his mind.
About a month ago, we took a big step on our 'situation' and decided to become BF and GF. I am very happy that we are taking step forwards. I know that we have things time to time that BH remembers something and then I try to comfort him by giving examples, explanation and such. We never talk about the D-Day and affair but we talk about the fear BH has about me cheating on him again. I try to comfort him about this as much as I can by giving explanation and saying how much I love and care him.
To be honest, our relationship now, compared to pre D-Day is alot better and filled with love. We had communication issues before especialy from my side - I didn't insist on things I wanted and say yes to what he wanted all the time then became sad about it while he didn't aware about anything. Now, I always communicate with manners and explations about how I feel and what I want and this makes our relationship better.
The reason I wanted for suggestion is about the message I got from BH last night while I was sleeping. Btw, since we sold our house, we both have our seperate houses now. That's why we don't live together. Anyway, in the message BH states that he feels awful even when he tells me that he loves me, calls me lover, honey or etc. BH told me that he triggered while we were watching a movie 2 days ago. (in the movie she cheats on her H, but we didn't know this from the trailer of the movie since she is a side character.) BH states that he doesnt know what to do since he don't want be without me but he feels restless. BF says that he wants to run away without telling anything to anyone but he also didn't mention about breaking up. Tbh, I didn't know that the BH's situation was this bad and I feel extremely stupid about this. BH says that he is trying to hold and hide this feelings but I am extremely sorry that I've never seen the signs.
So my question is, what should I do to make BH comfortable? BH says that when he is with me physically, he don't have any hesitation since I can make him forget about it, but when he is not then he starts to have nightmares about this fear of him - being cheated on again by me. We both want to reconcile and I knew that its not going to be flowers and butterflies, but I'm not sure what to do in some type of situations. That's why I came back here to ask some ideas and suggestions from the fellow W and B friends about how they overcome this type of triggering situations with their partners.
9 comments posted: Monday, February 10th, 2025
Totally Lost Everything
Hello dear valuable members,
I am really sorry to find this website. I don't even remember how many times I attempted to share my story and how many times I decided not to. But today is the day, without having any hopes left I want to share my story.
I don't know where to begin. I broke the most amazing man's heart. He meant the world to me. He was nice, caring, polite and intelligent. We have been together for 5 years, married almost 2. Seems like its not too much but we have such amazing memories together in that amazing 5 years in my life.
I think everything started with our marriage being super fast. We engaged, married and move to a different country in just 3 months. Everything happened too fast. I think my first regret was to not having the "dream wedding" with him. But come to think about it now, it is my inner was just a toddler throwing a tantrum. For about 1.5 year of our marriage, we spend our time to get used to this foreign country, our new jobs, buying a house and a car together, and trying to handle everything alone without any knowledge, we tried to learn everything by ourselves. Man, it was really stresful and hard. But he besides me, we are the best team. Well, I think we were, not anymore..
It all started couple of months later we settled with everything. Got our permanent contracts, bought a very nice house etc.
I think the minor problems became unmanageble for me. Yes our house was perfect in papers but it was not the house that I want. Yes, we are better financially but I literally had zero friends in this country. Yes, our marriage was good, but I have to give up on myself sometimes to not having a big fight with him. I am the type of person who avoids fights, screams and such due to my childhood and teenager traumas. That's why, even though I didn't like this house very much by heart, I said yes to it because my husband wanted. This kind of things always happened even for small things like buying a small plate even.
I think that all these combined with me working in shift schedule (2 days morning, 2 days evening, 2 days night which affected my body & hormone routine badly). All of these seems like big issues that I had to talk with him and solve together with him. All lies in a good communication, wish I knew this by the time then, then I would feel more happier at that time.
Then I had an affair for about a month in december, 2022. I know that it is just for me wanted to feel that fake happiness for a short period of time but what I was actually doing was ruining a good man, perfect relationship and betraying myself.
My BH and I both engineers. He is very smart guy. He found out about the affair by checking my Google Maps timeline on January 2023. I ended it immediately and at first, I told him about the affair but with tons of lies under the name of truth by being afraid of losing him. Such a stupid behavior, now I come to realize. He actually believed in me at first, I had deep regrets in my heart about it. But I couldn't tell the truth. I was too afraid of telling the truth, I didnt't want to lose him.
Everything was going okay-ish. Then on March 2023, he told me that he will contact with AP for the truth. Then I confessed everything without any lies and with all the details I could remember by the time. Now I realize how big mistakes I made during this last 6 months.
Now, after all the truth has been told, I am still trying my hardest to get him back. Both of us go to IC since March 2023. It seems IC is not helping to my BH. They are doing EMDR together, but after every session, he acts super mad and give up from everything. Which is his right, I guess. It was all my fault to act like this stupid over and over again with all those lies and betrayals.
I even cannot forgive myself, how I expect him to forgive me? I betrayed my future self, I betrated this amazing relationship and such a good man.
During these times, I tried to suicide twice because I can't handle to the idea of not being with him anymore. I started to not care about my health, having some skin issues related with stress, lately I fainted due to low blood pressure, always in depression, all those aches and pains.
I don't know how many times he got drunk and told me all those bad words, sometimes with small physical harm, psychological damage all the time, yelling, hitting walls and coffee tables.. (Which always make me remember my childhood trauma - my dad beated me by the time when I was a child)
But all these time, I tried to act calmed, and show my affection and love to him. Prepared water and coffee for him after he throw up, cooked dinner, lunch, prepare breakfast for him. I read lots of books, watch lots of videos about infidelity, self development, understanding the root cause of the problem and such..
Bht now, it seems nothing is helpful. We are still living in our own house, with our little kitten. We sleep in different beds, we still share and talk about our days. But it seems its fading away now. I can't explain how much I hurt this loving man, how much I hurt myself.
Seems like, we are going to sell our house and buy 2 houses for each. We will do the same with our car. He still didn't sign the D papers or even started the D process. All I want for us is reconcilation, but it seems it is not the case anymore.
I am here for telling my story, my grief, my mistakes.
I know that there is still a long life for me out there. But I don't know if it is worth now to living it. I cannot see any good thing coming out of that.
I literally don't know what to do now. Sometimes I feel like I just have to accept everything and leave him because he told me that his biggest trigger is me and he doesn't want to be with me. But sometimes, I think that he says all those words but he doesn't take a step, so maybe I can keep trying and trying...
Both of these feelings, memories, mistakes, regrets, basically everything eats up my mind. I just wish we at least try reconcile. I really respect all those people out there who reconcile succesfully.
[This message restored by Webmaster at 1:25 PM, Wednesday, May 10th]
11 comments posted: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023
